Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.     In the well of the U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell bench-presse​d ​Kirsten Gillibrand ten times.

9.   Kamala is reading an entire children’s book to a 3rd grade class.

8.  Donald Trump and Chris Christie meet in a sumo “cage” match…

7.    Adam Schiff dons an 18-pound, portable, back-mounted lie detector, 24/7.

6.   Gavin Newsom ​to ​walk alone through San Francisco at 2:00AM, with a $100 bill stapled to his lapel.

5.    First Lady Dr. Jill and First Gentleman Doug Emhoff set up a D.C. “kissing booth” as a fund-raiser for their favorite charity:  “The Hunter Defense Fund” on GoFundMe.com.

4.  US Senator Jon Fetterman wore a windsor-knotted tie to the office THREE DAYS in a row!​   The last one he tied himself.

3.    Rushing towards a TV crew and then a radio microphone, Chuck Schumer set new “Senior Olympics” marks in both the long-jump and the high-jump.

2.   Joseph Biden taking “Cornpop” behind the school gym (any gym!) again.

…and the NUMBER ONE “FEAT” a POLITICIAN is DOING this WEEK to PROVE HER “FITNESS for OFFICE” is…

1.  Hillary seeks world record with the 25-pound sledge hammer, smashing 35 harddrives in 60 seconds.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               10. “OUR SHRINKING FEDERAL DEBT”

9. “SUCCESSFUL SOCIALIST STATES”                      (sorry, no answers available for this category)                                                                                                                                                   8. “FIDEL CASTRO – THE EARLY YEARS”

         7.  “HEROIC LEADERS with SPORADIC DEMENTIA”

          6. “NAME that WHITE SUPREMACIST”                                                                                                                                                                         

          5.   “BIDEN FOREIGN POLICY ACHIEVEMENTS”

          4.   “ROUSING SPEECHES to the COMMUNIST​ PARTY CONGRESS “

          3.   “YOUR INFLUENCE-PEDDLING WORLD CHAMPIONS”

          2.  “WHITE-ADJACENT PRIVILEGE”

 …and the NUMBER ONE NEW “JEOPARDY!” CATEGORY if BERNIE, AOC & SLEEPY JOSEPH BECAME PRODUCERS is…

         1.  “19th CENTURY TRANSGENDER PRESIDENTS”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. IF I AM ON FOREIGN SOIL, THE COUNTRY CAN’T DEFAULT, CAN IT? 

9. WHILE I AM POSING ON MOUNT FUJI, WILL KAMALA BE IN CHARGE!

8.  ​JAPAN’S PRESIDENT IS FUMIO KISHIDA.    IT’S FUN TO SAY “TANAKA,” BUT DON’T DO IT.

7.   JILLY:  ​GET​ ME AMBASSADOR WALTER MONDALE.

6. DO NOT REFER TO YOURSELF AS “THE BIG GUY.”    THERE IS NO MONEY TO BE MADE HERE.

5.  WHA’D’YA MEAN, AIR FORCE ONE STILL AIN’T CARBON NEUTRAL?

4.   DAMN!    THE JAPANESE HAVE NEVER​ EVEN​ HEARD OF SCRANTON.

3.     KIM JONG-UN ISN’T IN THE G-7?

2.    REMEMBER, OKINAWA IS JAPANESE, AND SAMOA IS AMERICAN.

…and the NUMBER ONE SCRIBBLING in the MARGINS of PRESIDENT BIDEN’S “BRIEFING BOOK” for JAPAN is:

1.   SO, MIGRANTS CAN’T ACTUALLY WADE INTO JAPAN?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Camilla, that’s not really perfume, is it?

​ 9.    ​“The crown is mostly polyester, duct tape and rhinestones?”

8.  “No, that guy actually​ IS​ Carrot Top.”

7.      “If ol’ Charlie is such a big climate guy, what’s with the thousand vehicles?”

6.   “OK, ​I see​ Dr. Jill in the front row.    But who are the guys in the horse suit?”

5.   “Who knew that Kim Jong-un ran a great kimchee truck?”

4.     “Is that a foreign leader or just a nut riding shirtless on a horse?”

3.     “For $125 million, I coulda-got everybody lobster tail!”
   2.     “So if I pay cash to the guy with the cigar, I can stay in Buckingham Palace tonight?”

…and the NUMBER ONE REVELATION DISCOVERED by PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS at the CORONATION is…

1. “I thought London had ‘congestion pricing.'”   

  “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.    Seek “observer” status for the 2024 “Party Congress” of the CCP.

9.  Wade across the Rio Grande to show solidarity with drug mules.

8. All in for new BFF Kamala —  help her to “control” the border​… ​ though it’s not really needed.

7.  In my constituent newsletter, explain why New York taxes are such a privilege to pay.

6. Denounce that awful insurrection.     No, not the one in Nashville.

5.  Hire my next Congressional campaign manager.     Arrest record preferred.

4.    Be careful to condemn deaths as “executions” only when they are prompted by white males.

3.  Remember to never separate the phrase: “MAGA Republicans.”

2.    Seek carbon-neutral ways to commute from the Bronx to Washington.  Wait… Scratch that!

…and the NUMBER ONE ITEM on CONGRESSWOMAN A.O.C.’s “TO DO” LIST, 2023-24, is…

1. Deliver a baby “identifying” as a male.    Then, name him “Fidel.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “36?    Is that the temperature in Fairbanks?”

       “No sir, that’s your approval rating.”

9. “Where’s the basement?   Take me there, Jilly.”

8.  “Aren’t we makin’ any money off this video?”

7. “Did I re-record this already?”

         “Yes sir, this ‘take’ makes eighteen.”

6.    “This doesn’t look like Rehoboth.”

5.     “Fentanyl…   Fentanyl…   is she the Foreign Minister of Norway?”

4.   “This is a great house.    Isn’t that enough reason to declare again?”

3.     “RFK wants to run?   I knew him and his wife Ethel.”

2.     “We need to finish the job.       Some Americans still have savings accounts and guns.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WHISPER OVERHEARD DURING JOSEPH BIDEN’S RE-ELECTION ANNOUNCEMENT VIDEO PRODUCTION is…

1.  “The price is $400,000?  Hunter painted that one in kindergarten.”      

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.     Enjoying your Hummer?  ​Now, drive it directly into the penitentiary, where you will begin serving three-to-five.

​

9. To reduce emissions from meat production​:​ a $5 deduction for each grasshopper you buy for consumption.   Incentive raised to $10 per insect during Thanksgiving week.       ​(​When filing your tax return, please attach photos of ​all family member​ chewing and swallowing Federally-approved insects.​)​

8.  $2,000 cash if you remain seated while​ listen​ing​ to the entirety of an AOC speech on climate change.   ​(​Only three Americans have been able to accomplish this feat.​)​

7.    $500,000 tax credit and 100,000 airline miles if you can persuade John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Leonardo di Caprio and Al Gore to NOT fly private jets for 365 days.

6.     $100-worth of government cheese for each  week a homeowner avoids utilizing more than 10 gallons of hot water.    Feds will also provide perfume and high-test deodorant.

5.   Child care credit will be replaced with more eco-friendly Celibacy Tax Credit.

     4.  Turn up your thermostat, receive visit from an armed Elizabeth Warren.

3.      New York will introduce a “Green New Year’s Eve”​:  ​ ​All​ energy-sucking lights​ and Jumbo-trons​ in Times Square​ will be shut down.

2.   Purchase three electric vehicles you can’t afford, then receive the “XI Jin​p​ing $20,000 Federal Subsidy” and a personal thank-you call from one of his active copper or cobalt mines.

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW BIDEN POLICY to “PROD” AMERICANS TOWARD “GREEN” LIFESTYLES is…

1. For all members of Congress voting for the “Green New Deal”:  Office thermostats will be set at 50 in winter and 90 in summer.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “TRANSPHOBE”  – Pretty much anyone walking down the street.

9. “WHITE SUPREMACIST”   – Suburban parent ​of any race​ asking a question about curricula.

8. “IDENTIFY”   – Completing the partial, uninspired job your parents did.

7. “INSURRECTIONIST”   – Certain persons disrupting governmental proceedings, even if unarmed.   Not applicable in Nashville, TN or Madison, WI.

6.   “INVESTMENT”      – Taxing more to expand welfare and “green” spending.    Never applicable to pay for military or law enforcement.

5. “TERRORIST”   -Parent inquiring about assault upon teen daughter.

4.  “WOMAN”      -Who’s to say?

3.  “INFLATION”    -What inflation?   There is zero inflation.

2.   “IMMIGRANT”    – That guy emerging from the river with waterproof bags of fentanyl.

…and the NUMBER ONE VITAL 2023 GLOSSARY TERM (approved by the U.S.        

Department of Justice) is…

   1.    “FATHER”       -Symbol of patriarchy and oppression, though a fine source of cash.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   Joseph actually considers Delaware to be a backwater, as bad as Scranton.

9. During family meetings, curtains are drawn and Biden men go shirtless and smoke cigarettes provided by lobbyists.

8.   In a pinch, you can get the Chinese to pay you with Venmo.

7. Fentanyl costs less per ounce in Kent County, Delaware than in Chester County, Pennsylvania, and the cartel guys are friendlier.

6.   There is no personal rush like speeding in reverse with an illegal pistol in your waistband.

5.   On Air Force One, there is a small bathroom where crack cocaine can always be found.

4.   “Cornpop” is actually an older cleaning lady for the Rehoboth mansion.

3.  “Climate justice” is fine for Kerry, Gore and DiCaprio, but….​

2.  For a romantic weekend, it’s tough to beat the Trump International Hotel.

…and the NUMBER ONE LATEST REVELATION from the LAPTOP is…

1.  Three paintings sold by Hunter for a total of $390,000 were actually painted by a Labrador retriever.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Czarina for the northern border

9. Chair of ​ the​ new​ Federal​ “Disinformation​ Junta,​“​ with power​ to order IRS audits and cancel restaurant reservations

8.  Primary researcher of the “root causes” for police resignations across the nation

7.    Warden and Minister of Re-education ​for​ the prisons holding January 6th ​detain​ees still awaiting trial

6.   Oversee US Naval strategy to protect and pacify the Taiwan Strait 

    ​5.  Care Manager for any cognitively-challenged residents of the White House      

4.  Surrogate speaker and translator for Transportation Secretary Buttigieg

3.  ​Attending any and all head-of-state funerals to come in Micronesia

2.  Chair of new “bail fund” to spring non-white supremacists arrested for looting, arson, shoplifting, riot, assault, home invasion, auto theft and other “infractions”

​                                      (Not applicable in “no bail” New York state.)

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW ASSIGNMENT (based on dazzling achievements) BEING CONSIDERED for our VICE PRESIDENT is…

1. Exclusive Washington-area distributor of 500,000 just-discovered 1970s-era “Whip Inflation Now” lapel buttons 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. As a thank you for the $1.5 billion investment from Red China, Hunter delivered 10 complimentary toasters to Ambassador Zhang Jun for opening ​those ​new accounts.

9. Joseph Biden has asked architects in Delaware to draw up plans for a large pagoda.   Construction costs will be paid in cash.

8. Overlooking the beautiful Yangtze River in Shanghai, there is a 9,000 square foot penthouse condo​, purchased​ in Dr. Jill’s maiden name.

7. Based on explicit photos in the laptop, Hunter might actually benefit from some of those arcane medications seen on TV.

6.  That $3.5 million “consultancy fee” from former Moscow First Lady Yelena Baturina was spent mostly​on ​private tasting​s of Russian vodkas.

5.  To keep tabs on each other, Biden family members read Miranda Devine in the NY Post​,​to see who is out-grifting whom.

​      4.  At the Rehoboth Beach mansion, Joseph and Dr. Jill order Chinese takeout from a local restaurant, only to have it delivered by Defense Minister General Wei Fenghe.

3.  In a lesser-spoken Ukrainian dialect, “Burisma” means “grease the American’s palm.”

2.  Classified reports on hypersonic missile technology are available near the hot fudge machine in the Wilmington Dairy Queen.

…and the NUMBER ONE REVELATION DURING EARLY INVESTIGATIONS by CONGRESSMAN JAMES COMER’S HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE is…

 1. Second cousin “Bridie” Biden has been hired for the summer as a $200,000 receptionist in the Chinese Mission to the United Nations.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Wearing a fake Groucho nose and glasses, FBI Director Wray sighted handing Gatorade and a bullhorn to Ray Epps.

9.  CNN’s Wolf Blitzer briefly anchored the Capitol protest coverage wearing Viking horns.

8.   When the Secret Service wouldn’t drive him, President Trump got to the Rayburn Building in 97 seconds on a high-speed segue.

7.   Suddenly having a free afternoon, Nancy Pelosi got her hair done.   Still no mask.

      6. When lawmakers arrived at  their secret temporary location, many did not realize it was the Biden basement in Wilmington.

5.    Graffitto seen in the House Cannon building elevator:  “For a good time, call ​Antifa-Dating ​at 202-555-0000.” 

4.    Congresswoman Lauren Boebert fired four shots into the air, but no one seemed to notice at the time.

3.   We think that was Bill Clinton near the Senate Hart Building, running after an individual in leg warmers.

2.  The images were blurry, but it appeared that six people were carrying illegal Redskins flags while wearing black judicial robes.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE in the NEW JANUARY 6^th VIDEOS SEEN on TV THIS WEEK is…

1. Once evacuated from the Capitol, Jerry Nadler rushed back in, knowing he had the House cafeteria buffet all to himself.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “‘Canceling’ all customer debts currently held by tavern owners.”

9.  “Re-naming Sequoia National Park in California as ‘First Gentleman Doug Emhoff Toxic Masculinity National Forest​.​‘”

8. “Ordering the use of Federal Eminent Domain to Evict that dang Wilmington, Delaware Computer Repair Shop, so that an Ice Cream parlor can replace it.”

7.   Ordering the Lifting of Restrictions on Gas & Oil Drilling and Fracking….     but only on Trump properties.”   

6. “Creating new taxpayer-funded free tuition scheme, exclusively for Gender Studies majors.”

5.   Ordering that during “press availabilities” in the state of Delaware, questions will be limited to ice cream flavors and toppings.

4.  The Keystone Pipeline is herewith donated to the U. S. Olympic Luge Team.

3.    ​Camp Beauregard in Louisiana is forthwith named for non-Confederate Hunter Biden.

2.   All successful applications for Federal grant funding must utilize the term “equity” at least twenty times.

 …and the NUMBER ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER to be ANNOUNCED this WEEK by JOSEPH BIDEN is…

1.  “Re-naming the Rio Grande River in Texas as ‘Kamala Krossings.‘”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Who’s to say when I am on “personal time?”

9.  If highways are racist, what about tank cars with chemicals on fire….?

8.   Let me out of the limo, so I can bicycle the last two blocks to the news conference.

7.   Those Bidens doesn’t deserve me….

6.   What’s more important than pilots and air traffic controllers?   That is why I am announcing our “Flight Equity” plan today.

5.     These rubes in East Palestine haven’t even heard of transgenderism.

4.   I went to Harvard.  That makes me competent automatically.

3.    It may be time for more “family leave” again…

2.   I need to take the private jet to Hawaii, so I can give speeches about mass transit.

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST THOUGHT of “POTHOLE PETE” BUTTIGIEG is….

1.  These goggles, vest and hardhat are exactly what General MacArthur would have worn…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “BONANZA” –   Human traffickers from four continents, fentanyl mules and some “just” seeking US benefits wade across a shallow river, greeted with free food, cell phones and free bus rides to the cities and luxury hotels of their choice.

9. “MISSILE COMMAND” –     An eccentric, compromised chief executive allows a Red Chinese craft to photograph hundreds of sensitive sites from sea-to-shining-sea, only to follow up by shooting down a $12 hobby balloon with missiles costing $800,000.

8. “THE FETTERMAN FAMILY” – An innocent college co-ed is in for the fright of her life when she wanders down the wrong Philadelphia alley, only to be confronted by Senator John Fetterman and family members resembling Morticia, Uncle Fester, Lurch, Wednesday and Pugsley.

7. “TO SLEEP WITH ANGER”  (A Movie-of-the-Week)  –    After delivering a “State of the Union” address laced with distortions and scurrilous, vile attacks on those who differ with him, an elected official dozes through his own Cabinet meeting.

6. “THE HONEYMOONERS”   –   Dr. Jill and “First Gentleman” Doug requisition Air Force Two for a secret getaway to a romantic location no one would ever imagine:   the southern border.

5. “ALL IN THE FAMILY” –  Although replete with undergraduate and advanced degrees, a powerful family relies on a hooker-cavorting  crackhead to close multi-million dollar influence peddling deals with hostile foreign leaders.

4. “THE FBI” –  Advances in technology enable TV producers to create speaking holograms of  Efrem Zimbalist Jr. and Jimmy Stewart, both urging Twitter and Facebook to censor all criticism of a sitting president.

3. “SKY KING”  –  Biden Cabinet members John Kerry and Pete Buttigieg compete to see who can log the most air miles on their private, taxpayer-funded  jets.

2. “NIGHT COURT: REHOBOTH BEACH”-      It began with public lewdness on Amtrak…

…and the NUMBER ON NEW TV SHOW BEING CONSIDERED for the FALL SEASON is…

     1.”YOU BET YOUR LIFE”  –   Ordinary Americans are released near ATMs in urban areas with District Attorneys funded by George Soros.   If they can withdraw $200 and walk 10 city blocks without incident, they win free home security systems.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “What is the expected longevity of a bumbling president who is juggling multiple investigations?” – Kamala (Tuesday)                                              – G. Newsom (Thursday)

9. “If I am in New York illegally, how do I upgrade my free hotel room?”       – “Buddy”

8.  “36 Hours in Taipei, Taiwan.”     -Xi J-P

7.   “Would a new gender identification help or hurt in the polls?”       – Chuck S.

6.     “On balance, can we save the planet by flying private?”      – J. Kerry,   “Mayor” Pete B.,    Leonardo

5.  “Do people who leave New York plan to come back?”         – Kathy H.

4.     “What do they call that Cabinet agency that has the military in it?”    – Joseph B.

3.    “Is it easy to send Leopard tanks across a border anonymously?”    –  Chancellor Olaf

2.    “Do we really need a Strategic Petroleum Reserve?”      – Secretary E. G.

…and the NUMBER ONE “GOOGLE” SEARCH by CELEBRITIES this WEEK is…

1.   “If someone is wandering aimlessly, is it more humane to open or close his robe?”    – Dr. Jill B.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. During the State of the Union, that seat behind the President, reserved for the Vice President?   Look for Hunter there, smoking.

9. Kamala arrives home​ at the Naval Observatory​ to see Mayor Pete​,​ smiling with a coffee mug.

8. Her proudest achievement:  “Border Czar.”

7. During interview on “Meet the Press,” Kamala’s responses are “explained”​ live​ by ​Karine Jean-Pierre.

6. When Joseph ​i​sn’t call​ing​ her “President Harris,”  he refers to “y’know, the girl, ​ ​y’know.”

5.  She is spotted discussing legislation with George Santos.

4. Kamala in​sulted​ Hunter​ by not investing in his​ ​latest ​Chinese scheme.

3.   Top item on her “to-do” list is always “finding root causes.”

     ​ 2.  To chauffeur the VP to Andrews AFB, staff is issued a 2008 Impala from the GSA Motorpool.

…and the NUMBER ONE EARLY TIP-OFF​ that KAMALA MIGHT not be on the 2024 TICKET is….

1.  This week, the “Kamala Cackle” is trending as the #1 ring tone in America.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  Inserted into Kennedy Center audience brochures

9.  The cafeteria at Dr. Jill’s community college

   8.  The Corvette’s glove compartment

   7.   In a pile of local business flyers at that Wilmington ice cream parlor

   6.   Left behind on the private jets used by John Kerry and Pete Buttigieg

   5.   A computer repair shop in Delaware

    4.   Near the damaged door in the Pelosi home

   3.   Collated with official menus at the Vice President’s residence

   2.   Folded into origami ornaments on the White House Christmas tree

 …and the NUMBER ONE YET-TO-BE DISCOVERED LOCATION for SECRET, CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS is…

   1.    Hunter’s sometimes-locked trunk of narcotics

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. The “smoking lounge” for members will be re-opened …. but only to pot users.    – Hakeem

9. One House session per month will be convened in Eagle Pass, Texas.     – Byron

8. They nominated me for WHAT?         – Donald

7. OK, we will have to vote in person.   But that c​ould be​ from the Capitol Yoga Class.     – Hakeem

6. Of course ​the Cheyenne Mountain NORAD Base ​should be renamed ​for Lauren Boebert.    -Kevin

5.  ​The 21st tourist to visit the House Cannon Building each Monday will be able to trigger a “motion to remove the Speaker.”     -Matt

4.   As part of the “House Wellness” program, Statuary Hall will be home to the new “Andy Biggs Hot Tub & Spa.”      -Kevin

3.  By special arrangement, but after midnight, Air Force Two will be requisitioned for a lucky member’s flight back to “their” district.                                                           – Hakeem

2.   That great Christy painting of the “Framers at Independence Hall?”   We can photo-shop your likeness between Hamilton & Madison…. IF you are the deciding vote.    –Kevin

…and the NUMBER ONE SECRET PROMISE to OBTAIN VOTES for SPEAKER of the HOUSE is…

1.  Who wants to be the new spokesman for “My Pillow?”     -Chip

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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BLESSINGS to our READERS for this new year!

10. Pete Buttigieg:    If you’re so smart, resign and start your own airline. 

9. Kamala Harris:   OK, show us a list of your accomplishments.   We dare you.

      8. Joseph Biden:     Resign prior to impeachment, but get President Kamala to pardon you.

      7. Rep. Eric Swallwell:   Create new bilingual (English/Chinese) dating website for married Congressmen.

      6.  Vladimir Putin:    A new girlfriend could serve as a welcome distraction.

5. George Santos:  New PR strategy:  “Well, I IDENTIFY as a Goldman Sachs executive.”

4. Brian Stelter:  Score a new high-paying “anchor” job on Russian TV or Al Jazzeera.

3. The Cuomo brothers:  (to discourage unwanted touching) Always wear those oversized soccer goalie gloves whenever you leave your homes.

2.  Rep. Adam Schiff:   Get a new hoax to sell on CNN and MSNBC.

…and the NUMBER ONE POLITICAN RESOLUTION for 2023 is: 

1.  Gov. Kathy Hochul:   Citizens shouldn’t protect their families?    Then give up the 24/7 phalanx of armed state troopers who guard you.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “​On ​Fetterman​, On​ Warnock”  —  Chuck Schumer can’t believe he has a majority

    9. “Cuomo the Fake News Reindeer”   —  despite 2022, yet another “news” channel hands him a big payday anchor job 

8. “I’ve Got This Jan. 6th Report to Keep me Warm”  – a former president considers a bonfire

7. “Rockin’ Around the National Debt” – $32 trillion in ​arrear​s means coal-in-the- stocking for future Christmas taxpayers.

6. “I’m Dreaming of a White Supremacist”  —  The White House Press Corps Chorale

5. “All I Want for Christmas is ​Gas​“  –  ​Former European BFFs of Vladimir

       4.  “Signatures”  – ​petition-gatherers ​s​i​ng to the melody of “Silver Bells”

3.   “Ballots Roasting O’er an Open Fire”   –  ​our Christmas prayer: ​one person, one vote                                                                             

2.  “Silent Night” –  Mainstream media fails to report on the gargantuan scandal of FBI leaders promoting falsehoods worldwide through their allies at Twitter

…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY SONG WE’D LIKE to HEAR is… 

1.   “We Three Kings” –  gifts from wealthy influence-seekers in China, Russia and Ukraine arrive to warm the hearts of  “the Big Guy” and all Bidens      

    “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.   To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. For ​White House press secretary Kar​ine Jean- Pierre—    some believable material

9. For Harvey Weinstein —   a nice, long prison term in an all-male facility

8. For Brittney Griner  —  voice lessons for her first solo performance of the Star Spangled Banner at a WNBA game

7. For  Michael Avenatti — a complete collection of Donald J. Trump “superhero” trading cards 

(​exchang​able for cigarettes in prison)

6. For Kamala   —   a special GPS that never strays from the Rio Grande River region

5. For Joseph Biden   —   a promise from Hunter to enter the seminary

4. For Brian Stelter & Chris Cuomo — new “gigs” co-anchoring the evening “news” in Pyong Yang, North Korea​  (will work for food?)​

3. For Gavin Newsom & Kathy Hochul  — an endless caravan of rich people willing to be taxed ​ruth​lessly

2. For DHS Secretary Alejandro Majorkas —  a well-honed poker face for those moments when you simply have to lie to Congress

….and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS OR HANUKKAH GIFT FOR a  CELEBRITY is…. 

     1.  For Chuck Schumer – a wind-powered, portable microphones-and-cameras set that will follow him anywhere

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH from “YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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  For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung:  You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order.   But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received.  

For example:  Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.”  But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song:  “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

 Try that format with today’s creation, below.  Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Fi-i-ve Schiff collusions.”    

Now:   Your NEW 12 Days of Christmas….

1. On the first day of Christmas, my true love game to me:

         “Cash for the Big Guy from Xi.”   (JEE)

2. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          “Two Cuomos groping.”

3. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        ” Three nudists with hammers.”

4.  On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          “Four million migrants.”

5.   On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

            “F-i-i-i-ve Schiff collusions.”

6.  On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

             “Six Omar rantings.”

7.   On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

            “Seven million loans ‘forgiven.'”

8.  On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

           “Eight spies for Swalwell.”

9.    On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

              “Nine percent inflation.”

10.  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

                  “Ten mics for Schumer”

11.    On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

                  “Eleven fake newspapers.”

12.   On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

                   “12 million mail votes.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” (and this week’s “Twelve Days”)   is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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  10.  “Feliz Navidad from 35,000 feet above the Rio Grande River.”               – Kamala Harris

    9. “THEY wish THEM a pleasant and secular December.”–   Biden HHS Assistant Secretary “Admiral” “Rachel” Levine and Energy Dept. Deputy Assistant Secretary “Sam” Brinton   (yes, you should search for the photos….) 

   8. “The university proudly announces new ‘Safe Spaces’ for students celebrating the Winter Solstice.”  – University Vice President for Safety, Equity, Diversity, Sustainability and Mumbo-Jumbo.”

   7. “T’is always the season to reach out and touch someone.”    – Harvey Weinstein

   6. “I wish you an early Meli Kalikimaka, before climate change floods my state.”     -US Sen. Maisie Hirono (D- Hawaii)

   5.”We wish you a holiday filled with equity, prior to climate change submerging our beloved Martha’s Vineyard.” – Barack and Michelle

   4. “With the optimism of the festival of lights, it’s only right to hope for revolution in Teheran.”          -Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, writing from the Trump Heights

   3.  “If you can just believe in Frosty the Snowman… you can believe our southern border is secure.”            – Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas

    2. “This St. Patrick’s day, let us build back better.”                -Joseph & Dr. Jill Biden

…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY CARD INSCRIPTION is…

1. “You’d better not tweet…      You’re not the Deep State…    Why chance it right now…     With ruin your fate?”          – Elon (written prior to his big purchase)

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10.   Thanks to Bidenflation, 41% of U.S. heads-of-households are considering a dinner of “mashed potatoes in the shape of a turkey.”

9.  On Wednesday, the President might not grant clemency to a traditional large bird…      but instead, he’ll pardon Hunter.

8.  Congressional “Squad” will declare that “Black Friday” sales are arranged only for the benefit of capitalist predators.

7.  New York Times editorial headline to read:  “GRATITUDE… FOR WHAT?’

6.     Anonymous White House aides planning to rename: the “White House Winter Solstice Tree“ and the “National Cold Weather Candelabra”   (formerly the White House menorah…)

5.    At the President’s “surprise” (everything is a surprise nowadays) 80th birthday party, Nancy Pelosi to show up to sing her version of “Santa, Baby!”

4.    At the southern border, Democrat office-holders to greet Thursday’s migrant arrivals with plates of taxpayer-supplied turkey, gift shoes and free tuition vouchers….   .

3.   Outraged that the classic movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” is being televised every day, a TV critic sees “the hand of white supremacy.”

2.   In Qatar, government officials have promised that same-sex couples attending the World Cup this week “will not be arrested” until the quarter-finals.

…and the NUMBER ONE UNEXPECTED HAPPENING this THANKSGIVING 2022 is….

 1.At the annual Thanksgiving Parade down Broadway, the huge “Kamala Harris balloon” will be positioned between the “Snoopy the Aviator balloon” and the “juggling Santas.”

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10.      47% OF FETTERMAN for U.S. SENATE SUPPORTERS HAVE NEVER SEEN “THE ADDAMS FAMILY” ON TV

 9. ​ ​ OF THOSE SURVEYED, 9​6​% OF AMERICAN VOTERS SUPPORT “EQUITY”

 8.   9​7​% OF AMERICANS COULD ​“​NOT DEFINE​“​ EQUITY

 7.   38% OF SAN FRANCISCANS SURVEYED BELIEVE THAT ASSAULT CHARGES SHOULD BE INCREASED WHEN YOUR ATTACKER IS A NUDIST

 6.   3% OF NANCY PELOSI VOTERS SUSPECT THAT SHE WAS THE NUDIST WHO ATTACKED PAUL PELOSI

 5.    12% OF WISCONSINITES BELIEVE THAT LT. GOVERNOR MANDELA BARNES WAS PREVIOUSLY THE  PRESIDENT OF SOUTH AFRICA

 4.     3% OF FLORIDIANS VOTED FOR GOV. DeSANTIS BECAUSE HIS MIDDLE NAME IS “DION”

 3.     ​43% OF ​A.O.C. VOTERS ADMIT THAT THEY “LOVE FREE STUFF” FROM THE GOVERNMENT

 2.      2% OF “LATE VOTING DEMOCRATS” FAVOR AN IMMEDIATE U.S. WITHDRAWAL FROM VIETNAM

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING RESULT from EXIT POLLS on ELECTION DAY was…

 1.    AMONG LEGAL MARIJUANA ADVOCATES, 7% WANT RUSSIA TO STOP ATTACKING “THE YUKON”

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10.  Why would you need a gun?      That’s what we pay my armed guards for!

 9.  Eventually, we will have metal detectors in the subways.

 8.  My new “Gun Free Zone” signs in Times Square will scare off all those bad guys.

 7.   The “Son of Sam” is still in prison, right?

 6.   We don’t want the “wild west” here, like dangerous Boise or West Palm Beach.

 5.   Even Hunter Biden threw out his gun.

 4.  Nobody’s going huntin’ in the Bronx!

 3.  Look at how scary that rifle grip looks!

 2.  New gun stores could crowd out those cappuccino and potpourri shops….

…and the NUMBER ONE REASON WHY GOVERNOR KATHY HOCHUL WANTS EVEN MORE GUN CONTROL is…

 1.  The police get to nearly every home invasion within 45 minutes.

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10.  You proudly show your Ilhan Omar tattoo to most everyone.

 9.   You are for choice….   but never parental school choice​, of course.​

 8.   You identified with a new gender this week….

 7.  “Paying one’s fair share” in taxes is always for someone else.

 6.  You’ve really learned a lot from Greta Thunberg and AOC.

 5.  When you saw a migrant out yonder from your “Vineyard” mansion, you actually did clutch your pearls.

 4.   You lecture your immigrant cab driver on his duty to pay off your Harvard Law School student loans.

 3.  You ​hated​ Joe McCarthy’s goals, but love his methods.

 2.  ​From your private jet’s mobile phone​, you call in to CNN about the “existential threat” from climate….

…and the NUMBER ONE TIP-OFF THAT YOU are a GENUINE PROGRESSIVE is…

 1.  Your big idea:   transfer border patrol officers and their weapons to the IRS​.

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10.  “What the &%$ were you thinking?”   (NOT sent to Vladimir, February 2022)

 9.   “​Wills​, if you’re out tonight, could you bring back a carton of Luckies?”

 8.   “Nice haircut there, Boris.”

 7.  “I used to think Camilla wore hideous headgear.”   (NOT sent to Lady Gaga)

 6.   “Joe, just read what they hand to you.   The ​press corps will never catch on.”

 5.    “Truly?  You would teach me to drive?”

 4.    “Harry, where’d you find this bimbo?”

 3.    “​You really think I would benefit from a ‘Linked-In’ account?”​

 2.   “Andrew, weren’t you ashamed to fly a private jet to Epstein’s island?”

…and the NUMBER ONE MESSAGE “NOT SENT” by the NEW KING in RECENT YEARS is…

 1.    “Now I see, Angela.   Close down your nuke plants and open more Russian gas pipelines.   What could go wrong?”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is “on hiatus” this week.

We will be back shortly. Thanks for your support!

• Herb Stupp , editor

​10. ​  Can I get my Joe Biden cash advance for the student loan I’m about to take out?

​ 9.   ​  No, I was born in Kentucky.   Can I still get asylum here?

​ 8.  ​   ​Five hundred bucks​ cash and this government phone is yours….

​  7.     Mr. Uber, ​ ​t​ake me to the Museum of Modern Art.

​  6.​  I’ve seen this b​us terminal​ on “Law & Order.”   No way I’m sticking around here.

​   5.  ​ The Milford Plaza Hotel?    That is not up to our standards​, my good man.​

    4.  ​ M’am, what dating site do you recommend for the ​Times Square​ area?

​  3.  ​ OK, I’m here.    Where do I get my teeth fixed for free?

​ 2.​  Occupation?  Special assistant to a human smuggl​er.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT HEARD as ILLEGAL MIGRANTS from TEXAS are DROPPED OFF in NEW YORK CITY is…

​1.    ​Look, buddy…   I’m a New York taxpayer.    Could I pul-eez ride back to Texas on your bus?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. An all-new “Reliable Sources,” but hosted by (Brian Stelter idol) Michael Avenatti via Zoom from prison…

9. “Dirtiest Jobs — Woke Edition”   —  Premiere Show:   Bobbing around the Bering Sea, a boat with all-transgender deckhand staff searches for king crabs

8. “Progressive Blind Date”  —   Joy Reid, Rosie O’Donnell and Joy Behar see if they can get their blind dates to avoid committing suicide before dessert….

7. “CSI Mar-a-Lago”  —   Federal authorities risk their lives to prevent a world-wide catastrophe, caused by putative violations of the Presidential Records Act….

6. “All in the Family” — no talent, no experience slackers leverage the family “Big Guy’s” government influence to score millions in government contracts and foreign “investments”

5. “Bonanza”  –   A widower and his three grown sons tap into the Federal “Build Back Better” largesse to purchase the dormant Solyndra corporation for only $2 billion

4. Million Dollar Movie:  “Red Dawn”  –  see live coverage of hordes of Communist fighters from Cuba, Nicaragua, Venezuela and Mexico, traversing the Rio Grande by jet ski.

3. “What We Do in the Shadows”  –  sticking a multi-trillion dollar bill to taxpayers, an American president and Congress pass a wildly inflationary “Inflation Reduction Bill” that few people can explain….

2.   “Bay Watch”  –  No longer saving ocean swimmers, Supervising Lifeguard Gavin Newsom is shocked to learn his upscale beach has become a narcotics market, open-air toilet and a graveyard for stolen cars….

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW TV or CABLE SHOW UNDER CONSIDERATION for the FALL SEASON is….

1. “Castle”  –   after campaigning as a “man of the people,” a president builds an impenetrable wall around his beachfront mansion, handing the taxpayers the entire $1 million bill. 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “WOMAN”        –    no longer has definition; preferred usage:   “identifies as a woman”​ ; archaic:  biologists over 75 may point to secondary and primary sex characteristics to label what they might call “a woman.”​

 9.  “PRIDE”           –   formerly one of the deadly sins;  Today:   mandatory virtue of endorsing “approved” groups

 8.  “MALE”            – a person who identifies as a male (pregnant or not);  those who hold doors open for women and have used the term “fairer sex” must now be considered TOXIC MALES

 7.   “CARCERAL STATE”  –   the mere existence of a prison or detention facility, pretty much anywhere

 6. “ENVIRONMENTAL JUSTICE”   –   providing a “right” for every​ low income person to​ enjoy​ acres of green space and forests

 5.  “SHOPPING”            –  looting

 4. “PROTEST”               – activity includes arson, assaulting police officers, destroying family businesses…  but can present professionally printed posters during TV coverage.

 3.  “WORK”                        – receiving a check or cash;  in extreme cases, may include showing up to voluntarily assist an actual employer

 2.   “TERRORIST”               – might be Iranian-supported opponents of same-sex marriage, but more popularly used to define parents who brazenly speak out at US school board meetings

…and the NUMBER ONE LATEST WORD REVISION in YOUR NEW “WOKE” DICTIONARY is:

 1. ‘INMATE’     –     archaic: someone housed in a correctional institution; now please use “incarcerated person” **;  secondary usage:  non-radical student attending nearly any American university

** This week, NY Governor Kathy Hochul signed legislation to remove the word “inmate” from all state communications, replacing it with “incarcerated person.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  WITH YOUR HELP, WE CAN BE #1 IN STATE TAX RATES AGAIN…

 9.   TAX DOLLARS FOR ABORTION FLIGHTS….BUT STOP THOSE MIGRANT BUSES…

  8.   IF MY HUSBAND CAN’T SCORE SOME EXTRA CASH WITH MY INFLUENCE, WHAT ARE FAMILIES FOR?

 7.   GIVE ME YOUR POOR, TEMPEST-TOSSED…   ‘CAUSE WE HAVE A USED TENT FOR THEM ON 34th STREET

  6.     THINK OF ME AS ANDREW CUOMO IN A SKIRT WITH A TIARA…

  5.   HAH!  YOU THINK THE “BUFFALO BILLIONS” WAS A HUGE SWINDLE?    WAIT FOR THE NEW BILLS STADIUM !

   4.   ACCORDING TO KERRY AND GORE, WE’LL HAVE THE SAME WEATHER AS FLORIDA SOON

   3.   CASHLESS BAIL IS JUST MY WAY OF CARING…

  2.     IF TAXES ARE YOUR ISSUE, NEW YORK IS NOT YOUR STATE  **   (** Gov. Philip Murphy of NJ actually said this about his state

                                    while running for re-election IN 2021…)

… and the NUMBER ONE  RE-ELECTION SLOGAN FOR GOVERNOR KATHY HOCHUL is…

  1.      ACTUALLY, YOU CAN FOOL MOST OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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.

10.   SPEAKER SEES NO INCONSISTENCY IN ​ JAILING ​BANNON​, BUT NOT HOLDER, ​FOR “CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS”  -San Francisco Intelligencer

 9.   KAMALA HARRIS EMERGES AS BIDEN’S BEST INSURANCE AGAINST IMPEACHMENT -Buffalo Panda-Express

 8.  CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF SEES “COLLUSION”​AGAIN; GINNY THOMAS IS NEW TARGET – Plattsburgh Democrat-Chronicle

 7.   JOSEPH BIDEN REDEFINES “RECESSION” AS “WHEN YOUR PRESIDENT LOSES HIS JOB” – Wilmington Fleecer

 6.  TO PUNISH U.S. FOR PELOSI VISIT TO TAIWAN, C.C.P. WILL DONATE TO KAMALA’S “BAIL FUND” FOR VIOLENT RIOTERS – Honolulu Glacier

 5.   KIM JONG-UN WADES ACROSS THE RIO GRANDE, JUST TO PROVE HE CAN – Eagle Pass Reporter

 4.  SENATOR SCHUMER OVERHEARD IN BODEGA, COMPLAINING OF “BIDENFLATION” – South Bronx Home News

 3. ​  CONGRESSMEN THOMPSON, CHENEY NEVER EXPLAIN HOW AN INSURRECTION OR COUP COULD SUCCEED WITHOUT WEAPONS – Tupelo Star-Ledger

 2. TREASURY SECRETARY SUGGESTS THAT RAISING TAXES DURING A RECESSION COULD SUCCEED  – – EVEN IF FOR THE FIRST TIME – Chattanooga Mirror

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING in the MAINSTREAM NEWS THIS WEEK is…

1. CHRIS CUOMO’S NEW ANNUAL SALARY AMOUNTS TO $41,000 PER VIEWER – Milwaukee Register

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10.  TOXIC / MALE / WHAT’RE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?

 9.   DUH / WHA? / HUM?

 8.  FRILLY / GIRLY / ​ MAY I​ HOLD THE DOOR FOR ​YOU​?

 7.  CEO / BOSS/ YES, IT’S NUTTY, BUT WE MUST BE IN COMPLIANCE

 6.   HAS A BUILDING NAMED FOR HIM/ HER ON CAMPUS

 5.  “CIS” / STRAIGHT/ I GUESSED RIGHT

 4.   HUNTER / PROTECTOR / CARRYING​ CONCEALED​

 3.  ROVER, CAPTAIN, DON’T TOUCH THAT

 2.  PREGNANT PERSON, PREGNANT PERSON, RALPH IS DUE SOON

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW SUSBSTITUTE for the “PREFERRED PRONOUNS at “WOKE” CORPORATIONS and UNIVERSITIES is….

1.  K​EMOSABE, TONTO, SILVERHEELS

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— Herb Stupp, editor

(Note: ‘Your Weekly American Top Ten list” will NOT publish on Monday, July 18th).

10.  In a playful moment, she was spotted tossing Joe’s “nuclear football” around with Tony (Blinken) and Susie (Rice)…

 9.  Kam can now speak extemporaneously on her favorite topic, “the significance of the passage of time.”

 8.  Turnover on her VP staff has slowed down to 50% this week.

 7.   Kamala has properly identified Mom & Pop gas station owners (plus Putin, naturally) as the true sources of crushing Bidenflation.

 6.  In solidarity with elected Rhode Island Democrats, her press office is developing a new “twerking” video.

 5.  The best way to drive Vladimir, Xi, the Mullahs and Kim Jong-un truly bat-crazy?    Kamala’s scary cackling laugh!

 4,  Border security?   Another problem solved!

 3.   Knows that every problem can be solved with more Federal spending and taxes.

 2.   Don’t call them illegal migrants…   they’re just new voters.

…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN that KAMALA is READY for her PROMOTION to the “BIG JOB” is…

 1.   Wait! if Kamala is a” birthing person” now, is she still the first woman vice president?

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10.   “Olaf, it’s your turn to lead him around today.”

 9.  “Emanuel, can we buy some of your nuke power?”

 8. “Don’t tell anyone, but I could go for some mean tweets right about now.”

 7. “What is your preferred pronoun, Boris?”

 6.  “No, not smart.   Then we’d get Kamala!”

 5.  “The way he’s yelling about the Supreme Court… he really thinks he’s on Rehoboth Beach.”

 4.     “Joe, three of us crossed your southern border yesterday….    just to prove we could!”

 3.    “Vladimir is pounding on the front door.   What do I tell him?”

 2.     “Trudeau really modeled his gun ban on North Korea’s ?

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD at the G-7 MEETINGS in the GERMAN ALPS THIS WEEK was…

1. “In Tokyo, we call it ‘Bidenflation.'”

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(Now that a photo with VP Kamala has been discounted from $15,000 to $5,000 !! )

10.   Personal Tweet from Anthony Weiner….  ( $6)

         (With Photo Included, $26)

 9.  An Evening of Controlled Substances Sampling with Hunter (16 hour commitment)…   ($75,000, including China’s finest narcotics)

 8.  Slow Dance with Andrew Cuomo…    (YOU get free dinner, courtesy of Matilda Cuomo)

 7.  Ice Cream Cone with the “Big Guy” — (Must use Rehoboth Beach Venue Only….)    ($10, plus, you treat, including sprinkles)

 6.     Front-Row Seat for VP Kamala remarks on “the importance of the passage of time”….      (DNC will pay YOU $100 to remain seated for entire speech.)

 5.  DVD of Bernie Sanders reading three chapters from Das Kapital,  ($4)….   Spanish language Version, as Read by Comandante Maduro,  ($3)…

 4.      Join Nancy Pelosi for her Regular Botox Treatment,     ($5.49, plus cost of your treatment…)

 3.     Arrange for Adam Schiff to say something truthful about you in public…   ($250,000)

 2.    Take-out dinner from the French Laundry, with Gov. Gavin Newsom.    Paparazzi OK; masks and hoodies provided.        ($100 + your share of the food bill.)

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW PROMOTION from the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL COMMITTEE is…

 1.  Photo with certified non-female “Menstruating Person”….    ($1,500,000 cash   )           (Event to take place within Area 51, Nevada)

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10.    No, sir.   Kamala is heading to that fund-raiser, not to the border.

 9.    I need a break!   Can you put a Rudy Vallee record on the Victrola?

 8.    Um…   I believe he is napping, but he’ll be up for Jim Acosta.

 7.  Sorry, sir.   We cut back on pretzels due to rising costs.

 6.   Of course we can tax our way out of this!

 5.  Let’s see:   the police are “the enemy,”  so let’s disarm regular Americans.   Now watch the fun.

 4.  No, that door’s to a gaming arcade, not the men’s room.

 3.      Are those voters I see, marching towards the southern border?

 2.  On Tuesday, could we blame inflation on Kim Jong-un?

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AROUND the WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK is…

 1.     Sir, we believe you should change out of your robe for this TV speech.

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10.  Fireworks.

 9.  Create a “Truth or Dare” segment, featuring Geraldo Rivera wiring up Adam Schiff to the very latest lie detector equipment.

 8.   Whenever a lie is detected, Nancy Pelosi is dunked into a large pool of cold water.

 7.  Switch TV hearings to Fox News, sponsored by “No-Doz.”

 6.    Pay whatever is required to bring back Bob Barker and Vin Scully as co-hosts…

 5.  Provide live coverage from wherever Hunter is hanging out.

 4.   Encourage Adam Kinzinger to cry throughout the entire series of shows.

 3.  During obligatory 15-minute recess, televise video of Kamala updating the nation on all her successes at the southern border.

 2.   Post an “inflation calculator” in lower corner of the TV screen, showing Americans the shrinkage in their paychecks and savings, minute-by-minute.

…and the NUMBER ONE IDEA to IMPROVE the TV RATINGS for the DEMOCRATS’ JAN. 6th “HEARINGS” / SHOW TRIAL is:

 1.    For the grand finale, Committee Chairman Bennie Thompson and Joseph Biden reprise their famous “tumbling jugglers” routine, before viewers doze off.

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10.   Successfully deflected all national media questions about the arrest of her drunk-driving husband  (Wait! Were there any questions at all?).

 9.    Handed over her Speaker’s gavel so she could continue to pour cups of coffee for husband Paul Sr..

 8.    Gave commencement address at Brown University, urging graduates to support clean water, equity and compassion.

 7.   Diverted Congressional staff to guard the liquor cabinets in her DC and San Francisco homes.

 6.   Issued proclamations of support for LGBTQ “Pride Month,” Pacific Islander Hall of Fame Week and the “Identity Politics World Championships.”

 5.   Passed legislation to arm Ukrainians and disarm Americans.

 4.    Praised the critical work of her January 6th committee, which, after all, is safeguarding our democracy.

 3.     Received briefing from staff, only to learn that Americans are opposed to inflation and higher taxes.

 2.   Added to her 250,000 air miles and 76 trips this year, courtesy of the U.S. Air Force… (but none to the southern border).

…and the NUMBER ONE NANCY PELOSI ACCOMPLISHMENT THIS WEEK is:

 1.   Visited Walter Reed Medical Center, received botox tune-up.

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10.  While calling on the Air Force One phone, yells at staff to “turn down that Victrola!”​

 9.  Referred to​ the ​ “Fingerization” of that nation governed from Helsinki.​   (This one is true!)​

 8.   With a live mic nearby, praises Hunter as “the Biden family meal ticket.”

 7.   President lashes out at man, calling him a “lyin’, dog-faced pony-soldier…,”   only to realize he’s in a confessional.

 6.  As Transportation Secretary Pete Bud​d​igieg arrives in the Oval Office, Joseph asks him for “a Coke and a hot dog.”

 5.  Calls President Xi and assures him that “I am indeed ‘The Big Guy.’”

 4.  Looking out of a bedroom window toward the Potomac, asks Dr. Jill: “… is that the border​, honey​?”

 3.  Threatens military action if Canada doesn’t stop sending us comedic actors, affordable energy and TV game show hosts.

 2. After introduction from his new White House Press Secretary, President utters:  “Thanks so much, Kamala.”

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN GAFFE THIS WEEK is…

 1.  While in Seoul,​  Joseph greets new South Korean President Yoon Suk-yeol with a “Hey, Moon!” shout-out…. then apologizes with “Sorry, Kim,” and proceeds to forcefully denounce “Jim Crow 2.0​.​”

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 (​This​ memo left in the Press ​Secretary’s​ desk drawer…)

10.    The ​ambient ​temperature in the White House Briefing Room is Putin’s fault.

 9.    Remember, abortion is “health care.”   Yeah, and you can keep your doctor.

 8.    If Dr. Jill is present, feel free to refer to the Vice President as “that woman.”

 7.    “Sure, some prices have increased, but not used Pelotons, Victrolas or CD players.”

 6.   “Remember, you are a pioneer.    No press secretary has ever had to defend so many catastrophes at once.”

 5.     If you head to the White House Mess for lunch, try the “Ultra-MAGA Chili.”   It’s about time this administration created some new sources of gas.

 4.     No presidential Press Secretary has ever gone hungry.   On the other hand, our boss has already created some truly amazing shortages.

 3.     “This administration is not in monkeypox denial.”

 2.​     Repeat this one:   “The climate is in crisis, but the border is secure.”​   

…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTION LEFT by DEPARTING WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI for her SUCCESSOR, KARINE JEAN-PIERRE is…

 1.  If you see Joseph wandering around after hours, it is OK to close his robe.

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10.  You still haven’t heard about Hunter’s laptop.

 9.  Visitors to your home are greeted by a bust of Brian Stelte​r​.

 8.  You say: Thank you for ​fighting inflation​, Joseph Biden.​

 7.    That Homeland Security guy says the border is at peace.

 6.   Russian gas pipeline​ = good​, Keystone pipeline = bad.

 5.    Illegal migrants​ need all that baby formula.​

 4.   Of course Kamala is ready to run the country.

 3.     You are passionate about women’s rights…   but can’t define “woman.”

​ 2.     Y’know, there’s a good side to $7 gasoline.​

…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE BEEN RELYING on the TIMES and CNN for YOUR NEWS is:

1. Your greatest fear is being perceived as “transphobic.”

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10.  At today’s​ prices​, Air Force One has​ just​ ​enough fuel for PR trips to Europe…    but not to our own border. 

 9.  To add sprinkles to ​Joseph’s​ ice cream cone, server charges an extra $11​.​

 8.  Just since last year, the taxpayer cost for the Vice President’s “NO BAIL” tattoo has gone from $2,000 to $5,000.

 7.  President Zelensky emerges from secret location to request foreign aid in pesos, not dollars.

 6.   Cost of 33 RPM ​Victrola​ record players and rotary-dial phones are through the roof!

 5.    From the Oval Office window, you can see hot dog vendors pushing wheelbarrows of cash to the bank.

 4.     New Federal poverty level ​for 2023:   $96,753 per annum​.

 3.   Joseph’s “hair plugs tune-up” will cost taxpayers $7,000 this year, versus $4,000 last year​… (​even in Delaware​!)​

​ 2. ​ Remember that $8 billion worth of military hardware Mr. Biden left in Afghanistan?     The Taliban is willing to sell it back to us for a mere trillion.

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY JOSEPH BIDEN and KAMALA are BEGINNING to SENSE THAT INFLATION is a PROBLEM is…

​ 1.   According to Hunter, an “escort” charges $200 more today than on St. Paddy’s Day.​

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​10.   “Hear me out, inflation can be a good thing.​“

 9.    “The world is a dangerous place.   That’s why Democrats say: Let’s cut the defense budget.“

 8.   “Democrats delivered on every promise.  Now, we feel your pain.“

 7.   “End the ‘Car Culture.’  Let’s Wait for the Electric Bus Together.“

 6.   “Proudly Shutting Down Natural Gas… and Opening Up that Southern Border.“

 5.  “We have only Six Years to Handle the ‘Climate Crisis,’ friends.”   (John Kerry Speak​ing​ from the cabin of his Private Jet.)

 4.   “Death and Taxes — Why Settle for Just One?“

 3.   “Peace through bumbling.“

 2.  “Cuomo Who?”

—and the NUMBER ONE HOUSE DEMOCRAT “TRIAL BALLOON” SLOGAN for NOVEMBER is…

1.   “Endorsed by Kamala Harris.“

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10.    “I have to go all the way to Warsaw for a Big Mac?  Really?”

 9.   “ Wow, this babe on “Moscow-mingle.com” is looking for a real man who’s not ashamed of his nuclear arsenal.”

 8.    “Who says that I’m polling worse than Congress?”

7. “Time for a new shirtless ride on horseback.”

 6.   “ When Stephanopoulos is on vacay, maybe I can guest host GMA…”

 5.   “ Ya’think the troops would accept payment in Bitcoin and vodka?”

 4.   “Get a hold of yourself, Vlady-boy.   Stalin never cried….”

 3.   “ Looks like we won’t be hosting the Olympics any time soon.”

 2.   “ I guess ol’ Kim Jong-un just doesn’t have any food to spare.”

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST THOUGHT of VLADIMIR PUTIN is…

 1.  “ Y’know, I could rein in that Amber Heard right quick.”

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10.  Waved at ​thousands of migrants iIllegally​ crossing our southern border (​from D.C., ​by Zoom only, of course).

 9.  Gathered European Heads-of-State by Skype​,​ Once Again​,​ to repeat her prescient “We could be on the brink of war in Europe” prediction.

 8.  ​Counsel​ed​ Hunter​ on how he could score best prices for his world-class artwork.​

 7.  Gave cackling Insider’s Tour of her Naval Observatory residence to MSNBC.

 6.  Repeated such deep thoughts as:  “the Governor and I were talking about the significance of the passage of time…..”

 5.   Held news conference to blame Vladimir Putin for inflation.

 4.   Issued “VP White Paper” on how U.S. energy independence was actually a bad thing.

 3.  Condemned those who oppose trillions in new Federal welfare spending… (while personally donating only 1.6% of her $1.7 million income to charity.)

​  2.   Signed new appeal letter seeking funds to bail out more violent offenders. 

…and the NUMBER ONE “LESSON in LEADERSHIP” is:

1.   Using frantic hand signals, directed the President on his best route to exit a stage.

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10.  “You don’t work for Barack anymore.   You don’t work for Barack anymore.”

 9.  “It’s Putin’s fault, man.”

 8.   “Remember, Kamala is my Vice President, Katanji is the new Supreme Court lady.”

 7.  “Men’s room is two rights and a quick left.”

 6.   “​ Tell ’em: ​No, do I look like ‘The Big Guy?​‘​“

 5.   “Hunter? I used to enjoy skiing in the Catskills.”

 4.  “Wait, is this the Naval Observatory?”

 3. ​  “So, Vladimir is the Russian and Volodymyr is the Ukrainian? So who is Olaf?”

 2.    “No questions today…    Jen, take over.”  (That was easy! No press pushback!)​

…and the NUMBER ONE “NOTE to SELF” FOUND ATOP the OVAL OFFICE DESK in the WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK” is:

 1.  ​ “If your family can’t cash in on your foreign friends, what’s the dang point?”

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10.  Putin is bad.  He should leave.  ​ First name:    ​Vladimir​, it says here.​

 9.  No, I’m not walkin’ that back.

 8.  My $​5.8​ trillion budget is paid for​, Jack​  (White House press corps will never ask how…)

 7.  I had pizza with our troops in Kyev… I mean…

 6.  I am passionately, morally, truly outraged (–fill in the blank)..

 5.   Our Vice President really unified NATO, didn’t she?

 4.    What laptop?

 3.   The border is secure.  Jen​, show them​ the live video from Dallas.

 2.   Fentanil?   Is that the new Cleveland team name?

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN “TAKE” from 3×5 CARDS PROVIDED by WHITE HOUSE STAFF is:

 1.   What inflation?

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10.  When you cross from Delaware into Maryland, you can buy different flavors of crack.

 9.  Even when spaced out and semi-conscious, Hunter refers to his stepmother as “Doctor.”

 8.  When flying private, like on a Gulfstream, the owners of the aircraft will get really mad when you bust up furniture and china on-board.

 7.   In a “gentlemen’s” club, the women are friendlier than out in the general population.

 6.  The New York Post is really, really accurate.

 5.  Though pixilated, one of Hunter’s videos appears to include a burro and a clown.

 4.  Venmo is practical when sharing cash bonanzas from China and Ukraine with family members  (Including the “Big Guy”).

 3.   The laptop contains 37 marriage proposals, all sent by e-mail.

 2.  Hunter pressed Dad for open borders, arguing for his “supply chain” needs.

…and the NUMBER ONE DISCOVERY as HUNTER’S LAPTOP gets a THOROUGH READING is…

 1.   In a “trial run” survey for Governor of Delaware, Hunter leads all Democrats.

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10. “In Wilmington, my ice cream cone went from $3.50 to $4.75.    Son-uffa B—-!   That ice cream server blamed ME for inflation!”

 9. “Vladimir is just tryin’ to jack my gas prices, which helps Trump.”

 8.  “Those dang construction workers on the Keystone Pipeline! They coulda kept goin’ as volunteers.”

 7.  “Back in Scranton, my Grampa told me how he bought a Model-T for under $3.   That’s only $3, man!”

 6.  “Why can’t Elon Musk just deliver 20 million electric vehicles ?”

 5.  “Flooding our economy with deficit-fueled, printing-press dollars makes most everything more expensive.”

            (Wait!  How did this nonsense get in here??)

 4.  “Dr. Jill, what is worse, a hyper-inflation, or… a hyper-sonic?”

 3. “In 1982, the U.S. taxpayers paid only $5,000 for my hair plug transplants.  Now, my next of plugs is gonna cost $30,000!   That’s inflation, folks.”

 2.   “Maybe we ought to cut out the Russian caviar in the White House Mess.”

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN MUSING on RUNAWAY INFLATION is…

 1.”Hunter just has to step up and bring home more bacon.  That’s all, no malarkey.”

10. VICE PRESIDENT’S CACKLING AT NEWS CONFERENCE VISIBLY ALARMS POLISH VIEWERS     -Philadelphia Herald-Tribune

 9. PRESIDENT SAID TO REQUIRE DIRECTIONS TO WHITE HOUSE MEN’S ROOM FOR THIRD TIME 

  -Buffalo Morning Globe

 8. HOCHUL MIMICS GILLIBRAND PLAYBOOK, SHIFTING FROM SECOND AMENDMENT SUPPORT TO GUN CONTROL ZEALOTRY    -Burlington Knickerbocker News

 7. GOVERNOR NEWSOM SIGHTED IN PUBLIC WEARING MASK         -Fresno Intelligencer

 6. BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FAILED TO ANTICIPATE UKRAINE’S NEEDS PRIOR TO INVASION     -Nashville Monitor

 5. E-MAILS REVEAL HUNTER ANGRILY DEMANDED THAT HIS FATHER KEEP the SOUTHERN BORDER WIDE OPEN                                                                                               -Wilmington Star Informant​

4. CONSENSUS OF NOBEL LAUREATES CONCEDES THAT HYPER-INFLATION CAUSED BY MASSIVE FEDERAL SPENDING    – Main Street Journal

 3. CUOMO’S CLOSING OF NUCLEAR PLANT LINKED DIRECTLY TO STARTLING SPIKE IN NYC UTILITY BILLS      – Syracuse Journal-American

 2. STUDY REVEALS THAT RELEASE OF SERIAL VIOLENT OFFENDERS MAY INCREASE CRIME   – The Hartford Obvious

​…and the NUMER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA THIS WEEK is…

1. SENATOR HIRONO APPARENTLY UNAWARE THAT HER WEEKLY FLIGHTS TO HAWAII CONSUME FOSSIL FUELS   – Samoa Gazette

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. ​“And​,​ if you pass my “Build Back Better” spending, we can double our national deficit in just months!”

​ 9.​  “Our southern border is secure, thanks to the leadership of Vice President Kam…   Hey,​ ​Kamala, wake up!   This is the part where I talk about you.”

​  8. ​ “As we know, inflation is caused by reckless Federal overspending.”

​  7. ​“We can beat Russia with windmills and solar panels, friends…”​

​  6. ​ “Four score years ago this November, a saviour of this nation was born in Scranton….”

​ ​  5. ​  “The West has not faced a ​violent ​challenge like this since the Cold War.     That is why I am proposing record cuts in our defense budget.”

​  4. ​“Our​ new urban​ strategy is to release ​predator​s and disarm citizens.”

​  3. ​ ” I am drawing a red line in the sand​s​ of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.”

​ 2.​  “Remember​,​ the police are the enemy.”     (actual Biden quote from 2020)

…and the NUMBER ONE LINE THAT SOMEHOW DIDN’T MAKE it INTO JOSEPH BIDEN’S “STATE of the UNION” IS…

​1.​  “​Just this morning, Hunter was saying to me… our​ whole family has a lot at stake in Ukraine!”

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10.  ​“​The Texas Pipeline Massacre​“​    (Joseph Biden puts an end to American energy independence on his first day in office​, earning new billions for Vladimir Putin​)

 9.  ​“​Margaret Trudeau’s Baby​“​

 8. ​“​The Conjuring​ II“​   (A frightening glimpse of the New York City Council in session, moving from defunding NYPD, to removing statues, to new tax hikes, all with the dispatch of super-mega-villains)

 7. ​“​The Chappaqua Witch Project​“​

 6.  ​“​The Silence of the Mainstream Media Lambs​“​

 5.    ​“​An American Werewolf in NATO​“​    (Kamala helpfully reveals to attentive European leaders that we “could be on the brink of war in Europe.”)

 4.    ​“​Bride of Buttigieg​“​   (Even during a lengthy child care-leave sabbatical, our Transportation Secretary presses on with his heroic campaign to obliterate our “car culture”)

 3.     ​”​Son of Biden-stein​”​ (A privileged offspring with zero experience is granted riches wherever he wanders.)

 2.      ​“​They Look Like People​“​   (A news conference with “The Squad” reveals an eerie detachment from reality, including notions that Americans are undertaxed, stealing is social justice, war is peace,  victims are supremacists, first responders are racist…)

…and the NUMBER ONE HORROR MOVIE AWAITING RELEASE in 2022 is…

 1.   ​”​We Need to Talk About Nancy​”​    (With plastic surgery to rival “Chucky,” the Speaker maneuvers to punish the American people while enriching her own family.)

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10.     Iconic view of Mount Tochal from Tehran obscured by stacks of new ICBM missiles. 

9.       High-stepping Iranian Guards regiment leading off beloved “St. Patrick’s Day Parade” in Manhattan.

  8.        Front-page headline on “Cosmopolitan” magazine:   “EXCITING NEW BURQAS TO DRIVE HIM WILD!”

 7.         McDonalds  introduces espresso beverage:   Bani Sadr Tabriz Truffle

6.        For six days now, callers to Tel Aviv and Paris always get that creepy “busy circuit” buzz. 

5.          “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive?”   — Supreme Leader Ali Khameni    (That vain Supreme Leader!   For the photo shoot, his robes were clearly more form fitting.)

 4.         Most popular baby names in the USA, 2021: ”Liam” and ”Olivia”

 Most popular baby names in the USA, 2022:  “Abdul-Fazi” and “Nazanin-Sahra” 

3.         The good news:   Finally, a woman appears on the $20 bill.           

 The bad news:   Thanks to the hijab, we can’t tell who she is. 

2.         “The Tonight Show’s” Jimmy Fallon goes on vacation.    

Guest host:    former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  

And…. the #1 way Joseph Biden, Kamala and Antony Blinken can tell if Iran is cheating on the nuclear agreement they are planning : 

1.           At the 7th inning stretch in Dodger Stadium, public address announcer intones:                  “Gentlemen, please rise and remove your turbans, as we chant “Death to the Giants.”

****

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10.  What inflation?

 9.  Ask your question in a Freedom of Information Act request, and we’ll respond in Biden’s second term.  Guaranteed.

 8.  What exactly does your question have to do with “equity?”

  7.  That is a question better posed to Prime Minister Xavier Bettel, of the Grand Duchy of  Luxembourg.

  6.   Our president is indeed standing up for America, drawing a red line in the sands of Rehoboth Beach,

Delaware.

  5.    This administration is ready to ship billions to Iran once again…   Naturally, we don’t have a precise amount for you, at this time.

  4.   It would not be accurate to say that the Biden family has amassed $40 million through the President’s service in government.    Next question to MSNBC.

  3. Vice President Kamala is happy to take your questions.   Please submit them, in writing, in triplicate, to her Naval Observatory address.

  2.  The President is well aware of the difference between a trillion and a gazillion.

…and the NUMBER ONE JEN PSAKI ALTERNATIVE to SAYING ‘WE’LL CIRCLE BACK to YOU’ is:

   1.    The President just won’t have time for a press briefing after the summit.   He’s scheduled to wash his hair plugs at that time.

*****

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10.  “Re-elect Biden-Harris” T-shirts for all.

 9.  Make it to Texas, US Homeland Security buys “BBQ Restaurant Week” special for all migrants.

 8.  Enter lottery to become next host of “Reliable Sources” on CNN.   (Ratings would surely improve).

 7.  Set off metal detector, get free massage from three sensitivity-trained agents

 6.  Claim discrimination against the rancher whose tractor you stole, win tractor.

 5.  Each week, three migrants (shoes required) get to compete on “The Bachelorette”

 4. Migrants randomly selected to meet with Kamala to discuss “root causes” of illegal migration (only by Zoom, of course).

 3.   Wade across Rio Grande, audit a “Dr. Jill” course, tuition-free.

 2.   Snap selfie at the border wall, get TV shout out from Jen Psaki.

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT AVAILABLE to ILLEGAL MIGRANTS at the BORDER is…

1. On midnight flights to secret airports, illegals with birthdays this month gets upgraded to business class.

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10.  During deployment to NATO’s eastern frontier, ensure t​​hat American ​​

t​ransgender ​personnel​ have ​vital​ facilities, clothing and support.

 9. Negotiate furiously with the Kremlin for that Trump hotel tape​.​

 8.  Extend Federal Deposit Insurance to Hunter’s banking and brokerage accounts in Ukraine.

 7.  Uncover roots of the name “Psaki.”

 6.   Priority in training Ukrainian military: got to include Critical Race Theory.

  5.   Deal:  If Ukes repel invasion, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov must vacation at Disneyworld.

 4.     Fox News Channel’s Peter Doocey heads to Vladivostok, and the Stolychnaya recipe comes to the Biden family.

  3.    Get Vlad to stop development of his new “ultrasonic” missile…..   then, he gets to host Super Bowls 57 and 59 in Sochi.

 2.  All vehicles, aircraft and ships transporting  NATO troops must be certified carbon-neutral.

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN STRATEGIC GOAL in EASTERN EUROPE is…

 1.   In return for not expanding NATO, Vlad will introduce Hunter to five of Aeroflot’s prime flight attendants.

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10. Hurriedly call Delaware news conference, publicly destroying his 1970s VCR tape of “Dr. Zhivago.”

9. Instruct Jen Psaki to give “unsatisfactory” rating to Aeroflot Airlines on TripAdvisor.

8. Take that, Nordstream Pipeline!!      Plead with Ayatollah to increase Iran’s oil production.

7.  At official White House dinners, replace Stolichnya vodka with Cuba’s Havana Club rum and North Korean soju liquor…

6. Order an immediate, complete ban on imports of snazzy Russian sports cars.

5. “Unleash” Hunter, so he can score a fresh $6 million from the former mayor of Moscow.

4.   Ask Trump to “collude” with Vladimir, finally, for real.

3. Draw “red line” in the sand, this time on Rehoboth Beach.  

2.     Send more blankets and granola bars to Kyiv.

…and the NUMBER ONE “PUNISHING” SANCTION BEING CONSIDERED by JOSEPH BIDEN if RUSSIA INVADES UKRAINE is…

1. Tell Vladimir very directly that he’s being rude and selfish.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To catch up on previous Tops Tens, please visit www.gipperten.com . There, you can subscribe for free, and you can scroll back to catch up on all Top Tens posted, 2016-2022. Enjoy…

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH SEVEN COURSES ARE ACTUALLY BEING OFFERED THIS YEAR…. AND WHICH THREE WERE COMPLETELY MADE UP BY YOUR FAITHFUL EDITOR? READ ON…

(With thanks to Young America’s Foundation, which has catalogued the ridiculous courses below, as well as many others in all 50 states).

10.   Gender & Sexuality Studies 2613:  “Compulsory Couplehood.”   (Vanderbilt University)  Focus on the “marginalization of the single person.”

 9.   Social Work 7004:  “Human Diversity and Oppression.”  (Louisiana State University)   “Social dynamics of human oppression…” studying the effects of ableism, cissexism, heterosexism, racism, etc. and “implications of human oppression… for social work practice and social policy.”

 8.   African-American Studies 339-0-20:   “Unsettling Whiteness.” (Northwestern University)  How whiteness leads to “dominating and violating forms of… doing and ordering, that define, assemble and rule the worlds of white and non-white populations.”

 7.   Gender and Women’s Studies 446:  “Queer of Color Critique.” (University of Wisconsin at Madison)   Study the emergent theoretical “field of queer of color critique, a mode of analysis grounded in the struggles and world-making of LGBTQ people of color. …Articulate the role of queer of color analysis in a vision for racial, gender, sexual and economic justice.”

 6.   Global Studies 3724: “Howard Zinn, Dorothy Day and the Imperatives of Christian Analysis and Life.”  (University of Notre Dame).   “With guest lectures from the Theology Department, we will explore the liberating revelations of Marxist Howard Zinn and the works of Dorothy Day, as instructive pathways for the society of equity, shared resources and inclusion that the Apostles might have envisioned.”

 5.   Comparative Literature 104A:  “Voice. Dissent.  Resistance:  Antiracist and Antifascist Discourse and Action.”    (Stanford University)  The rise of right-wing movements in the United States and Europe signal a resurgence of nativist and ethno-nationalist politics.” “The goal will be to understand how those involved in anti-racist and anti-fascist struggles have invented, created and practiced discourses and actions that attempt to resist racism and fascism.”

 4.   Brookdale Center for Health Aging 557: “20^th Century Struggles of Transgender Elders.”  (Hunter College / C.U.N.Y.)  Identifies transgender leaders, including formerly closeted-heads of state and Fortune 100 corporations, and how they coped with their realities, usually hiding their true selves.  Due to censorship and otherism, this rich historiography has been suppressed from emerging until the 21^st century.”

 3.   Ethnic Studies 3630:  “Reproductive Justice.” (University of Utah) “…We will discuss the reproductive health and access of people across genders, sexualities, social class, and race/ ethnicity and immigration status.  We discuss past and ongoing reproductive oppression of communities of color, but we will also talk about the ways in which society can support pregnant people and parents.”

 2.   Criminal Justice 709: “Shifting Police Resources to Social Service Interventions.”     (University of Arizona).   Building on the consensus that more police action and paramilitary spending is making us less safe, students will explore how social workers, mental health counselors, and nutrition experts can substitute for police response to domestic violence, disturbances of the peace and other situations that we have over-militarized in the past.

…and the NUMBER ONE NUTTIEST COLLEGE COURSE OFFERED THUS FAR in 2022 is:

 1.Gender Studies 113:  “Sex Work.”  (UCLA)  “Analysis of variety of contemporary sex work both in U.S. and abroad, from a feminist perspective.  Examination of how race, class and gender alter experience and perception of erotic labor….”

(“Courses” numbered #6, #4 and #2 were created by your editor. All others are actual courses being taught in the universities listed.)

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(With thanks to the National Association of Scholars, which maintains a roster of those who have been “canceled” at American colleges and universities.)

Can you tell which three of these “Top Ten” items are pure fiction, and which seven are true?     See answers at bottom.  

10.  Professor of Astronomy at Syracuse University fired for telling class that the planet Venus was “named for the Greek goddess of love.”     A transgender student complained that he/she was made to feel “otherized” by this science lesson.   The professor’s contract was not renewed.

  9.  Professor of economics at Lehigh University created a video on “Three Myths About Poverty.”    He was removed from the university’s “You Tube” channel and denounced on social media. 

 8.  Instructor in East Asian Languages at City College of New York suspended for one semester for referring to Kim Jong-un as “a typical Commie” in response to a student’s question.

  7.   A Chinese-American student at Fordham University posed with a rifle and a “Don’t Tread on Me” slogan as a memorial to those slain in Tiananmen Square by the Chinese Communist government.  Student was “disallowed from entering campus without advance permission” ;  banned from participating in extra-curriculr activities; and required to complete “implicit bias training.”

  6.    The Chancellor of one campus of the University of North Carolina declined to fire a controversial (now dead) professor, and in response to promotions of Black Lives Matter, said that “all lives matter.”  He was officially censured by the UNCW Faculty Senate.

  5.   A Professor of Music and a Professor of Art at Skidmore College attended a “Back the Blue” rally, expressing support for police.  Petitions were circulated throughout the Skidmore campus, urging that both professors be fired.

  4.  At the Cornell University School of Law, a professor and director of a Law Clinic posted two articles on his blog, criticizing BLM.  A serious petition was circulated, demanding that the professor be fired.

  3. Antifa members and other radicals at Princeton University entered the dorm room of the vice chairwoman of the Young Americans for Freedom chapter on campus.  They removed her from the dorm and chained her to a makeshift stockade until early morning, when campus security discovered her dozing, with the word “Capitalist” painted on her sweatshirt.

  2.  At Boise State University in Idaho, a Professor of political science “criticized feminism” in one of his classes.   He was condemned in newspapers, and students organized protests against him on campus.

…and the NUMBER ONE “CANCELATION” at U. S. UNIVERSITIES and COLLEGES is…

1.At the University of Cincinnati, an Adjunct Professor of Mechanical Engineering was placed on administrative leave and then terminated for an e-mail to students in which he referred to COVID-19 as “the Chinese virus.”

      TOP TEN items numbered #10, 8 and 3 above were made up by your editor.    All others are true, as catalogued by the National Association of Scholars.

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10.  (Bill DeBlasio:)  While running for NY governor in ‘22, urgently develop a “Plan B.”    Just sayin’.

  9.  (Andrew Cuomo:)   When in public, wear catcher’s mitts at all times.

  8.   (Kamala Harris:)    Move your official residence to DelRio, Texas; ​then relax ​until​ ​notified of removal from 2024 ticket.

  7.   (Hillary Clinton:)     Get Joseph Biden to pardon you, while the getting is good.

  6.   (Donald Trump:)    Keep everyone on their toes with a golfing vacation on Taiwan.

  5.    (Chris Cuomo:)     Act as if nothing ​is amiss​ during your first ​gig​ on Russian TV.

  4.   (Barack Obama:)    Figure out how to claim “climate change is an existential threat” while luxuriating at your $15 million oceanfront mansion on Martha’s Vineyard.

  3.   (Anthony Fauci:)     Maintain the same, consistent advice for an impossible 7 days in a row.

  2.   (Adam Schiff:)          Come up with a new and better hoax than “Russia​ c​ollusion.”

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTIONS for 2022 is…

  1.    (Joseph Biden:)      Remember, even when speaking with Vladimir, Xi, Kim or AOC… there’s no need ​to appear​ afraid.

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– On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         –A tax hike for you and for me

– On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         – Two Cuomos whining.

-On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – Three Hunter “art” sales.

 – On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  Four Bidens grifting.

– On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – Fi-i-i-ve  Glenn Young – kinsss.

– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Six CNN viewers.

– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Seven Veeps a – cackling.

– On the eighth day of Christmas, BILL CLINTON gave to me:

         – Eight maids-a-milking.   (We had to take one set of gifts from the original song!)

– On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –    Nine fake Times headlines.

–  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –  Ten percent inflation.

–  On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

           –  Eleven phony ballots .

–  On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

            – Twelve worldwide crises.

Yuletide blessings for the Christmas and Hannukah seasons to all “Top Ten” readers and your families, and good tidings to all for 2022.

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10. For Liz Cheney:  A nice new Congressional district in Manhattan or San Francisco.

 9. For Jussie Smollett:   A robust prison term …  in an all-female facility.

 8. For Kim Jong-un:     A new U. S. Ambassador, Dennis Rodman.

 7.  For Kamala Harris:  charm school lessons from Hillary.

 6.  For White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki:   some believable material…

 5. For Hunter Biden:  To extend his “art career,” a fresh set of crayons.

 4.  For Chris Cuomo:   an offer from Al Jazeera or Russian TV…  really, from anywhere.

 3.  For Vladimir Putin:  a new horse for his trips to the border with Ukraine.

 2.  For NYC Mayor DeBlasio (a candidate for governor):    Mass amnesia across his state.

…and the NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS GIFT for 2021 is…

 1.  For Joseph Biden:  a full pardon from President Harris.

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10. “Dear flag-waving bible-thumper:  Your Twitter account is still blocked.”     Happy holidays,   Jack Dorsey

  9.  “T’is the season to reach out and touch someone.”    – Andrew Cuomo

  8. “This Arbor Day, let us build back better.”                -Joseph Biden

  7.  ” I wish you an early Meli Kalikimaka, before climate change floods my state.”     -US Sen. Maisie Hirono (D- Hawaii)

  6.  “With the optimism of the festival of lights, we can hope for the Yeshiva Maccabees to remain undefeated.”   

 -Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett, writing from the Trump Heights

  5.   “The university proudly announces new ‘Safe Spaces’ for students celebrating the Winter Solstice.”  – University Vice President for Safety, Equity, Diversity, Sustainability and Mumbo-Jumbo.”

  4.    “If you can just believe in Frosty the Snowman… you can believe me, too.”                  

        – Jussie Smollett

  3.     ” I was only playing Mrs. Santa Claus.”         – Ghislaine Maxwell

  2.    “You better watch out, Joe Biden’s in power.  Time for all of us taxpayers to cower.”            – Your accountant

…. and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS CARD INSCRIPTION for 2021 is…

1.   “Feliz Navidad from the Rio Grande River.”               – Kamala Harris

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​10. ​Kim Jong-un: “With enough kimchi, we can divvy up this turkey among 26 million loyal North Korean​ subject​s.”

​  9.  ​Andrew Cuomo: “Mom, you want take out this year?”

​  8. ​Insurance salesman near Del Rio, Texas:   “Honey, my cousins are here…  please don’t refer to them as ‘the Caravan’ again.”

​   7.  ​Prince Harry and Meghan:    “We applaud all concerned citizens of the world, who join us this year in celebrating a ‘sustainable’ Thankgiving.”     (MESSAGE FAXED FROM THEIR PRIVATE JET, CIRCLING LAX WHILE THE COUPLE FINISHES THEIR MEAL.)

   6.  ​Chris Cuomo:    “Andrew, brutha, you doing take out this year?”

​   5. Vladimir Putin:  “Nuthin’ better with a Moscow Mule than Chicken Kiev.”

   4.  MSNBC​ anchor:   “​W​e have a report that Vice President Kamala Harris hunted for her Thanksgiving turkey this morning.”

​   3.​  ​Grandmother in Littleton, Colorado:    “Check out the living room, dear.   I think the boys all fell asleep watching the football game.“

Her daughter:               “No, Mom​, that’s a Joseph Biden speech on the screen.”

    2.   Rep. Ilhan Omar:    “Thanksgiving may be racist, but I just don’t go for Jello-mold.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD on THANKSGIVING LAST MONTH is…

   1.   Joseph Biden:       “Omicron?   Is that French guy acting up again?”

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10.   These days, a Congressman won’t even meet with you for a mere $150,000.

  9.   Just in the last year, the number of genders has increased by 3,087%.

  8.      Commercial airline pilot threatens “not landing as planned” over the intercom, unless additional payments are made (following pretzel distribution).

  7.     Your hotel mini-bar offers “expired chocolate bars” at much-appreciated $20 discount.

  6.   Joseph Biden has actually convinced one voter in Elizabeth, New Jersey that his $5 trillion welfare boondoggle is “actually paid for.”

  5.    Price break:   at the supermarket, you are enticed by sale:  “Special This Week:  Five Pounds of Potatoes, Only One Wheelbarrow of US currency.”

 4.   In Beverly Hills, pedestrians espy a disheveled Lady Gaga holding sign:  “Will Sing my Lungs Out for Less-Than-Fresh Caviar.”

 3.    Perusing your local church thrift shop, you ponder “Discount for Payments in Gold Bullion.”

 2.    Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen appears in wig and sunglasses for her own news conference.

…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT INFLATION MAY BE HEADING OUT of CONTROL is:

1.   At the gas station, you simply hand over your vehicle as payment.

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10. ​ “Don’t worry, Joe… th​is​ Red Bull is on me….”     – PM Justin Trudeau

 9.  “Our friend​ President​ Xi would have been here, but he is cutting ribbons on seven new coal power plants today.”

 8.   “San Marino makes a motion, with Liechtenstein seconding: “Resolved, that the USA must end all fossil fuel usage this year.”

 7. “​Joe​, if I knew you’d have a motorcade of 87 cars, I would’ve left mine at home in London.”    – PM Boris Johnson

 6.   “Sir, if Congress came into session only once a year, could that solve our methane problem?”

 5.    “Vladimir could be a little late.   He’s in a submarine​,​ watching the final bolts go into the Gazprom Baltic Pipeline.”

 4.    “You mean you’re not scared of Kim jong-Un or ISIS…    only Greta Thunberg?”

 3.    “Nah, I’ll just bum a ride home on John Kerry’s private jet.”

 2.    “How come that Macron feller still seems mad at me?”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD at the GLASGOW “CLIMATE CHANGE” CONFERENCE is:

 1.    “Zzzzz.”

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10.   A leering Bernie Sanders , magnifying glass in one hand, your bank account in the other

 9.  Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” mask

 8.  Migrant fugitive waving $450,000 US Treasury check

7.  “Cackling Kamala” with broomstick

 6.    Elizabeth Warren “Angry Clown” mask and jumpsuit

5.    Andrew Cuomo mask, with matching oversized hands

4.   Chuckling, salivating Xi Jinping, holding glossy 8 x 10 of Biden & Harris

3.   Star Trek “Evil Queen” pants suit, with choice of AOC or Hillary mask

 2.   Tax-chugging Gavin “Dracula” Newsom cape and mask

…and the NUMBER ONE FRIGHTENING HALLOWEEN COSTUME is…

 1.   Frightening Delaware Zombie, replete with electrodes and hair plugs

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10. “GENIUS” SWEATSHIRT, showcasing portrait of Joseph Biden with Einstein hair.

 9.  DUPLICATE OF COMANDANTE MADURO’S FORMAL-WEAR MILITARY JACKET, always an ice-breaker on the first date.

 8.  FULL-BODY JUMP SUITS, embroidered with DAY-GLO “CLIMATE EMERGENCY” message on back.    Required by dress code on Harry and Megan’s private jets (John Kerry purchased the first one).

 7.  “THE BORDER IS NOW CLOSED” LEG-WARMERS, to distract fellow gym-rats from noticing your gut.

 6. GAS MASK & HELMET COMBO, for those peaceful protests that might, maybe, possibly lead to arson & looting.   Hammer & sickle decal optional.              Available only in Midnight Black, to complement your formalwear.

 5.  100% DIAMOND and EMERALD NECKLACE, spelling out “TAX WEALTH NOW.”      The perfect accessory for NYC’s annual “Met Gala.”

 4.  “I VOTED FOR SOCIALISM, and ALL I GOT is THIS LOUSY BASEBALL CAP.”

3.   “EVEN THIS SMOKING JACKET COUNTS AS ‘INFRASTRUCTURE.'”

2.   “NOT A TOXIC ‘CIS’ MALE” 3-cornered tin-foil hat.

…and the NUMBER ONE “MUST HAVE” FASHION ITEM, to COMPLEMENT AOC’S “TAX the RICH” DRESS is:

 1.   “TALKING” AUDIO HANDBAG with KAMALA  “CACKLING” WHENEVER “SOUTHERN BORDER” is brought up.

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10.  HUNTER BIDEN ART EXHIBIT PROVIDES LATEST VENUE TO PEDDLE INFLUENCE WITH WHITE HOUSE    – Newark Times

 9.  “I KNOW HE’S CRAZY, BUT I AM STUCK WITH HIM,” PRESIDENT SAYS ABOUT BERNIE, ACCORDING TO INSIDERS   – Chattanooga Globe

 8.  AOC, SENATORS WARREN AND KLOBUCHAR RIVAL HILLARY IN ABUSING STAFF, SAY ANONYMOUS SOURCES  -Bronx Post-Intelligencer

 7.  DURING COGNITIVE TEST, PRESIDENT CANNOT DIFFERENTIATE AMONG BILLION, TRILLION AND GAZILLION     – Houston Sun-Times

 6.  DELAYED TRANSLATION OF WHITE HOUSE PHONE CALL REVEALS CHINESE PRESIDENT XI ASKING: “SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?”        – Los Angeles Herald Mirror

 5.   VICE PRESIDENT HAD NO IDEA RIO GRANDE WAS A RIVER UNTIL VIEWING IT FROM 35, 000 FEET      – San Antonio Delta Republican

 4.  BRITISH PM CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT “ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP ON ME” DURING TRANSATLANTIC PHONE CALL   – BBC London

 3. HARRY AND MEGAN CONDEMN SHATNER’S LOW CARBON SPACE FLIGHT VIA FAX MACHINE FROM THEIR PRIVATE JET      – Entertainment Fortnightly

2. PRESIDENTIAL BROTHER JIM SEEN SCHOOLING SCHUMER ON MONETIZING HIS GOVERNMENT SERVICE    – Chicago Plain Dealer

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE SEEING THIS WEEK is:

 1.   SURVEY OF AMERICANS SELECTS “THE BORDER IS CLOSED” AS NUMBER ONE LIE OF 2021           – New York Inquirer and Pennysaver

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​10. ​   If we fly over the Rio Grande today, that’s visiting the border, isn’t it?

​ 9.     ​What the heck are we building back better, anyway, man?

​ 8.​   What’s that​ ​drug called again?   Viagra?  Prevagen?

​ 7.  ​  Warm milk, please.

​ 6.​   That Macron guy who’s all in a tizzy​…   he lives in France?

​ 5.​     If government shuts down, can we still land the plane?

​ 4.  ​   Can we stop in Wilmington for ice cream?

​ 3.​    Is Jill really a doctor?

​ 2.    How can we test out th​at​ nuclear football up here?

​…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION DIRECTED to the SUPERVISING FLIGHT ATTENDANT on AIR FORCE ONE this MONTH is:

​ 1.    Are these pictures of Hunter and ​”​friends​”​ on my screen​ again ​?​ 

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10. ​ Wheels Down,​ Palms Up in Ukraine

 9.   Self Portrait of the Artist on Cell Phone with “Big Guy”

 8.  Marijuana Plants at First Light

 7.  Prodigal Son on Air Force 2 with Mr. Jim Beam

 6.  A Last Supper (in Beijing)

 5.  Nudes in Motion, Rock Creek Park

 4.  Bimbo in Plain Sight at White House State Dinner

 3.  Cocaine Residue and White Castle Boxes at 5:00 AM

 2.  Coquette-ish Waitress at Burisma Reception

…and the NUMBER ONE ORIGINAL PAINTING by HUNTER BIDEN, NOW AVAILABLE for YOUR PURCHASE is:

 1. Hookers Reclining at the Motel 6 in Wilmington

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10.  Audible ping alert whenever Hunter Biden is paid more than $200,000 by foreigners for access to his father

 9.  Live satellite or drone-camera feed when Nancy Pelosi appears in public without mask

 8.  Pre-installed app featuring high-decibel air horn when a member of the Congressional “Squad” wanders within 100 yards of the phone

 7.  As I-phone powers-up, hologram of Tucker Carlson welcomes you

 6.  “Waze” -prompted directions to all college “Safe Spaces” within 1/4 mile of I-phone

 5.   High-decibel alarm triggered as Congressman Eric Swallwell initiates verbal conversation with Chinese espionage agents (females only)

 4.   Phone delivers electric shock to owner when Bill DeBlasio, Don Lemon or any Cuomo uses the word “equity”

 3.    “Siri” voice-generated command admonishes I-phone user if Jill Biden’s “Dr.” title is not used properly

 2.    Special “sweep” feature on face of I-phone enables you to leave voicemail for Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas whenever he claims “The border is closed.”

…and the NUMBER ONE FEATURE WE’D LIKE to SEE on the NEW I-PHONE 19, EXPECTED in 2022, is:

 1. Text message will be sent to you whenever the Wuhan Institute of Virology cashes a US Treasury check issued to them by the CDC

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Pre-order your full-body Burka OR black Turban from our duty-free shop.

 9. Book your stay at the Kabul Ritz-Carlton, receive complimentary camel-limo service to your thatched hut.

 8.  Newest landmark:    Bagram Air Base renamed “Joseph R. Biden Jr. International Airport and Detention Center.”

 7.  Attend Catholic Mass in Kandahar.    Become martyr the same day.

 6.  Bring the kids to “Jihad-World” theme park.   Torture scenes will only be simulated, at least until closing time.

 5.  See President Biden’s national mask mandate policy in action.    Over here, that means women only.

 4.  Got a spare year or three?   See just how “cleansing” our re-education camps can be.

 3.  Buy one-way commercial flight ticket; the U.S. State Department will fly you back for free.

 2.  For excitement lovers:   Remember that Afghanistan is the “Gateway to Turkmenistan.”

…and the NUMBER ONE “TALIBAN TOURIST TIP” for VISITORS to AFGHANISTAN is…

 1.  Visit the wild nightclubs of the Afghani capital; your first goat is free.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Wow, Kamala really placed flowers at the memorial to honor the Communist soldiers who shot down John McCain?”   -North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un

 9.  “Joe, these 22,000 American Humvees are great in mountainous terrain…    but how do you open the gas caps?”    —  Taliban Interior Minister Haibatullah Akhundzada   (yes, he’s on the FBI Terror Watch List)

 8.  “No, Angela, I didn’t hear from him before the surrender, either….”    — U. K. PM Boris Johnson

 7.   “Can I catch a free ride to Dulles, boys?”    — Supreme Leader Ali Khamenai of Iran, in disguise without his turban, at Kabul International Airport

 6..  “Don’t vurry, Joseph.    You can buy Russian Gasprom gas from us if your Green New Deal gets passed. ”   – Prime Minister Mette Fredriksen of Denmark

 5.   “I am seeking asylum here in Del Rio, at least until we solve the toilet paper challenge.”   – Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro

 4.  “How long do we really have to carry Hunter on the payroll?  – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky

 3.   “I thought WE had deficits.  But at least we don’t have Pelosi.”   –  Prime Minister of Greece Kyriakos Mitsotakis

 2.  “So New York state is offering $15,000 to migrants, no questions asked.   Time for a road trip?”   –  Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

…and the NUMBER ONE PRIVATE COMMENT from a WORLD LEADER, OVERHEAR this WEEK is:

 1.  ” But if you come to the next summit with me, ma Cheri, this guy might start sniffing your hair…”    — French President Emmanuel Macron, speaking with wife Brigitte.

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10.  Pearl Harbor:    The ​Japanese “probe”​ was over with by afternoon, and limited to just one island.