Your Weekly American Top Ten List

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” will return in one week, arriving in email boxes on March 24th.

Blessings for St. Patrick’s Day to you.

10. Bring your E-Z Pass windshield transponder, anticipating a new Kathy Hochul “congestion pricing” toll on the planet.

9.  On Mars, even having ​ a VCR will make you a hit with the local “Red Planet Babes” population.

8.   Bring enough “My Pillows,” and Mike Lindell may give you the franchise for that region of the solar system.

7.    Beg the locals not to remove AM radio from your Mars-Rover vehicles.

6.    When you make your list of animals to breed in the cool Martian climate, don’t fret.   The cockroaches are waiting for you on the starship.

5.    In a high stress, new-planet environment, you may need sleep aids.    Consider “audio book” speeches by Andrew Cuomo, Joseph Biden and Elizabeth Warren.

4.    The strongest astronaut will become the Martian “Philosopher-King.”    It’s kind of like being governor of Minnesota or California.

3.      To keep more of the planet to yourself, try naming new settlements thusly:     “Devil’s Island,” “East Palestine,” “Three Mile Island,” “Love Canal,”  “Chernobyl,” and “Tsunami Shores.”

2.  Don’t yell at the Amazon guy just for double-parking.

…and the NUMBER ONE “STARTER CHECKLIST” ITEM for the FIRST U. S. COLONY on MARS is:

1.    If your local TV news anchor team operates under DEI,                   …remember that means including more Earthlings.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  Got General Services to repaint my private “Tow Away Zone – Deputy Assistant District Director ONLY” parking spot.

9. Convened three unit-wide meetings to figure out how we can keep doing DEI….   but come up with a new name for it.

8.   Took unexpended money from last fiscal year and bought everyone in the district office new briefcases. They used them at our “team building collective” conference, at the Ritz-Carlton.  

7.  Prepared a helpful “Memo on Memos,” helping my colleagues to keep track of the dozens of memoranda from our Director, other supervisors, peers and subordinates that arrive each week.    ** 

6. During our daily office “Wellness Break,” we created snow angels to spell out:  “Not ever, Mr. Musk!“

5. Update our Federal building lobby directory so that President George W. Bush’s photo is finally replaced. 

4. Encourage participation in the building fire drill by offering massages and cocktails when completed.

3. Create a new private website so that “trans” staff can continue their lascivious “chats” offline   (though on Federal duty, as ever).

2. Requisition a Federal passenger jet to bring our office staff to the poverty conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands.  ***

…and the NUMBER ONE RESPONSE to “WHAT DID YOU ACCOMPLISH LAST WEEK?” is…

1. ​Finalize implementing our new $32 million phone system, so that no American will ever be able to reach a human Federal employee at our agency.

TABLE:

** = At one Federal agency where I toiled, they actually created a “Memo on Memos.”

***= In December of one year, HHS’ anti-poverty “Head Start” program held its national conference in the Grand Hyatt Resort, then on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  Look, he didn’t kill ALL of New York’s seniors.

9.  Andrew really, really needs another mansion to live in.

8. Was I a perfect governor?    No, I still regret not getting that one woman’s phone number.

7.   Sure, some people mind that he named that bridge for Daddy.   But it was built for only three times the original cost estimate.

6.  Remember “New York has no future as the highest-taxed state…?”      Neither do I.

5.  In my last term, they claimed my “Buffalo Billions” was a corrupt boondoggle.     Who’s up for my new “Tribeca Trillions?”

4.  No cash bail is the least we can do for all the new “guests” we have from the border.

3.  He still needs to impress Mama Matilda and kid bro Chris

      2.   Consider that Mayor Adams got upgraded on Turkish Airlines.  Compared to that, some friendly groping don’t seem so horrible, do it?     

…and the NUMBER ONE “TRIAL BALLOON” TALKING POINT for the NASCENT ANDREW CUOMO for NYC MAYOR CAMPAIGN is:

1.  Why am I running for mayor?   As Henry Kissinger told us, “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.”

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

Note:               Two of these examples are bogus, created by your faithful editor.   Can you guess which two are fakes?   See answer at bottom.

10.  The Social Security Administration paid Federal disability benefits to over 7,000 people who were employed by the Federal government at the same time.

      9.   $15 million to the Taliban for condoms.

8.  $13.5 million to a partnership of the Bolshoi Ballet and the Moscow Philharmonic, to produce “Springtime for Vladdy.”

7.   $7.9 million to Sri Lanka to combat “binary gender language.”

6.   $20 million to create an Iraqi version of “Sesame Street.”

5.    $8 million to purchase subscriptions to “Politico Pro” for Federal employees.

4.    A $21 million challenge grant issued to the Saudi Royal family for a “PG” rated TV pilot of “Sex and the Desert.”

3.   $7.1 million for a “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous and People of Color) speaker series in Canada.

2.   $447,000 to Nepal to “promote an expansion of atheism.”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING, as DISCOVERED by D.O.G.E. is…

1. Syrian national Mahmoud Al Hafyan diverted $9 million in U.S. humanitarian aid to terrorist groups, including the Al-Nusra Front.

Examples #4 and #8 are bogus, created by your editor.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.  An all-season ice cream bar, never to run out of Joe’s chocolate chip​.

9. Welcome video from “Admiral” “Rachel” Levine.

​ 8.   A one-way ATM, where visitors insert cash (minimum $25,000) with instructions for a Biden family member to make a call (but just one) ​and an “ask” ….

​ 7.  An all-gender locker room with open showers.

​

​ 6.   In the place of the traditional Air Force One on display, the Biden Library will feature the C-17 used to evacuate Afghanistan, with life-like dummies in turbans glued to the landing gear.

5. Within a 100 mile radius of Wilmington, seek out the most flamboyant “drag queens” to read scary tales of “climate migration” to little children.

4.  A life-like hologram of Joseph Biden, where he appears to be answering the public’s questions.    No matter what a visitor says, the Biden image responds:  “Yes, we can afford that.”

3. In the 2,000-seat “George Soros Theater,” visitors enjoy a 12-minute cartoon, where characters who seem to resemble Kamala, George Clooney, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama gang up on the president, eventually throwing him through a second-story White House window, with Dr. Jill unable to fend off the attackers.   

2. To honor the memory and spirit of Joseph’s “Green New Deal,” the Biden Presidential Library will be 100% powered by renewable energy, such as wind and solar.

…and the NUMBER ONE “CHECKLIST ITEM” in the EARLY PLANNING for the JOSEPH BIDEN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is…

1. Due to our internal energy policies, the Biden Library’s  ‘Expected Hours of Operation’ will be limited:  1:00 PM to 2:30 PM on Tuesdays only                                              ( we’ll never apologize for electricity shortages). 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.   ​Military base mess halls will no longer garnish soft drinks with little umbrellas.

    9.    Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets will have the steak tartare option at every meal.

8.     On soldiers’ ammo belts, tampons will be replaced with grenades.

7.   By Valentine’s Day, all M1 Abrams and Pershing tanks will be painted in camouflage colors, covering over ​2024’s pink.

6.   Lecturers at West Point and Annapolis who had been specializing in the threats of “oppression” and “white supremacy” are being replaced by experts in hypersonic missiles.

5.   Traditional and now current 2025 military icons:  Washington, J. P. Jones, von Steuben, Lafayette, von Clausewitz, Grant, Pershing, Eisenhower, MacArthur,  Patton, Nimitz, Mattis and Schwartzkopf.        

            Military Icon during Joseph Biden’s administration:    Surgeon “General” “Rachel” (also has the rank of “Admiral”) Levine.

4.   At remote American bases, USO variety shows replace even the most entertaining Drag Queen reviews.

3.   In basic training, “marksman” award takes the place of “empathy” and “participation” medals.

2.   More bazookas, fewer “Yoo Hoo, soldier” megaphones.

…and the NUMBER ONE CHANGE in the U.S. MILITARY SINCE CANCELLATION of WOKE POLICIES is…

1.   ​Flip-flops are out during maneuvers.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. High-paying new jobs for teachers of Danish and Inuit.

9.  Pizza Hut to roll out tasty six-slice “blubber” pies nationwide.

8.  Imagine those red, American-made “Gor Greenland Godt Igen”  (​“Make Greenland Great Again,​” in Danish) hats.

7.  The subway from Nuuk to Sisimiut is crime free.   Take that, Chicago.

6.   Quick, buy stock in Air Greenland.

5.    The NBA could expand to include the “Nuuk Musk Oxen.”

4.  Greenlanders seem to have the solution for the homeless problem in winter.

3.    Who doesn’t want a piece of​ “The Igloos at Trump Fjords?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        2.   Leading candidate for governor of the scenic new Territory of Greenland campaigns on slogan: “Og, hvis valgt, jeg lover at holde disse forfærdelige Kathy Hochul ‘trængsel prissætning’ vejafgifter ud af Grønland .”    (“And, if elected, I promise to keep those horrible Kathy Hochul ‘congestion pricing’ tolls out of Greenland!”).

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT WHEN GREENLAND BECOMES an AMERICAN TERRITORY is…

1. No American beauty pageant contestant need ever again fear the swimsuit competition from another “Miss Greenland.” 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. “…And thanks to you, the American people who have entrusted us with this sacred authority…  my family and I have already scheduled ‘business’ meetings with some of the deepest-pocketed, most corrupt dictators in the world…”         

                                                 -JBiden,  2021

9. “Echoing the orations of Cicero, Marilyn Monroe once whispered to me…..”                                                                                                                                                                                                                     -JFK, 1961

     8.”We will continue the economic policies of President Hoover, but re-package them as a ‘Great Plan,’ ..er..let’s try:   a ‘New Deal….'”                                                                                                              -FDR, 1933

7. “The hostages have been released, so I have ordered the B-52s to return home.”                                                                                                                                                                                                       -RReagan, 1981

6.     “I said, ‘no new FAXES.'”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             – George H. W. Bush, 1989

    5.”Let me first express my gratitude for the love and support I have enjoyed from my family, beginning with Monica, ​… I mean Hillary….”                                                                                             – WJClinton, 1997

4. “The only thing we have to fear…. are those major bad boys: Adolph, Tojo and Benito.”                                                                                                                                                                                            -FDR, 194​1

3. “With Greenland unavailable this year of our Lord 1803, I am cobbling together an alternative agreement, this one with with France.                                                                                     With any luck, that could amount to a genuine Purchase of Louisiana.  Let me re-work that….”  

                                                                                                           -TJefferson, 1803

2. “And for those of you who think my middle initial should stand for something, I say ‘s—.’”

–                                                             -Harry S Truman, 1949

…and the NUMBER ONE SPEECH WRITER LINE LEFT OUT of an INAUGURAL ADDRESS is…

 1,            “Our long national nightmare is over….    but oh boy, is anyone more relentlessly ambitious than that Nelson Rockefeller?”                                                                                                                   – GRFord, 1974

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

U. S. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has issued his “Festivus Report,” replete with over $1 trillion in wasteful & unnecessary Federal spending. Seven of the examples below are from Sen. Rand’s report, but three were made up by your faithful editor. Guess which three are phony… it won’t be easy!  (see answers at bottom).

10. HHS spent $419,470 on a “study” to see if “lonely rats seek cocaine more than happy rats.”

9.  GSA and other agencies spend $10 billion annually on maintaining, leasing and managing empty and nearly-empty Federal office buildings.

8.   The Department of Agriculture granted Gavin Newsom’s “Plumpjack Winery” $7.1 million to encourage winemaking in central Greenland.

7.   The Department of State wasted $3 million on “Girl Centered Climate Action” in Brazil.

6.    The National Endowment for the Arts underwrote a “Bearded Ladies Cabaret,” featuring a show of crossdressers on ice skates, focused on climate change.

5.   At the encouragement of US Sen. Bernie Sanders, the Department of Commerce gave the Vermont state government $3.4 million to “encourage transgender New Englanders to become involved in the growing, sustainable maple syrup industry.“

4.   The Department of State issued $2.1 million to the nation of Paraguay for “border security.”

3.    The Department of Energy spent $15.5 billion to push Americans to buy electric vehicles, even if they cannot afford them or have no interest in them.

2.   DOT’s Urban Mass Transit Administration granted Hawaii $7.8 billion to initiate “under-the-Pacific” tunnels that will eventually connect all four of the state’s      most populous islands with subway and rail freight service.

… and the NUMBER ONE MOST EGREGIOUS EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING is…

1.     A Florida man stole $8 million in Covid-19 relief funds to buy “Sweetheart Island” for himself, among other personal purchases.   

Numbers 8, 5 and 2 were NOT in Sen. Rand’s report, and are phony.   All the others are true, actual examples of Federal waste.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. Stick the taxpayers with the bill for your final “hair plugs tune up” at Walter Reed Hospital

9. Spend more well-deserved time in Delaware

8. Hold a news conference every day until January 20^th (!!)

7.  Sign that executive order requiring the White House Mess and banquet kitchen to serve wines only from Delaware and China

6. Pick a title for my coming presidential memoir, like:    “The Kid from Scranton Cashes In, Big Time“

5. Get staff to find and hunt down any Democrats who have NOT received the “Presidential Medal of Freedom”

4.  Obtain a State of Delaware taxi cab drivers’ license

3.   Check with the boys in China, Ukraine and Moscow to see if continued grifting will be possible from Wilmington

2.   Put my home movie camera to work when Czarina Kamala convenes her first “border security” meeting in the Situation Room   (maybe January 19th?)

…. and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN 2025 RESOLUTION is…

1. Sure, his comments about me were brutal, but be gracious when President Eisenhower gets sworn in

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.  (Donald​ J. Trump)   Sure, they are unrepentant.   But​ imagine the facial expressions when you pardon Hillary, and then Joseph and James Biden

​  9.  (Barack Obama)    Figure out how to finagle free golf at Mar-a-Lago… 

​  8.   (Adam Schiff)     Now that you are moving from the House to the U.S. Senate, come up with a new and better hoax than Russia collusion

​  7.  (J.D. Vance & Pete Hegseth)    To relax the week before taking your oaths, take a golfing vacation on Taiwan

​  6.  (Bill and Hill)   Come up with a new money-grubbing scheme by February

​  5. (Pete Buttigieg)    Learn a useful skill prior to moving back to South Bend

​  4. (Gov. Kathy Hochul)    Invent new ways to force car drivers in NYC to pay for mass transit boondoggles

​   3.  (Gov. Gavin Newsom)    Build your own border wall, but​ only to keep taxpayers and normal folk from escaping to other states

​  2.  (US Education Secretary nominee Linda McMahon)   Be sure to use wrestling (WWF) metaphors to get US-ED bureaucrats to toe the line

​    …… and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2025 is…

​   1.  (Alejandro Majorkas and Kamala Harris)   Finally, take a tour of the Texas border.   Flip a coin to determine which limo you use

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2024 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.  For Karin Jean-Pierre: ​ a new job with (finally) some believable material​ to promote

​ 9. ​ For top U.S. jurists:  Red-and-green robes​ ​to be worn through ​ Three Kings Day (January 6th​)

 ​ 8.  For Kim Jong-un:     A new U. S. Ambassador, Dennis Rodman

​  7.  For Hunter Biden:  ​Imagine his “art career” thriving without a White House connection

​  6.  For Kamala Harris:  ​With Whoopi moving to Broadway, “The View” is a venue that prizes both craziness and cackling!

5. For George Stephanopoulos:  A 7-second delay, so ABC staff can save him from defaming again

​  4.  For​ AOC​, Gavin Newsom and ​Elizabeth Warren:  Free tuition to “Economics for Dummies,”  taught by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett

​  3.    For Volodymyr Zelensky:  New military aid from ​NATO members, ​including $99 earmarked for a new suit

2.   Color-coded French and English muzzles for Justin Trudeau

…and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS and HANUKKAH GIFT for 2024 is:

​  1.   ​For Alejandro Majorkas:  a waterfront cabin on the Rio Grande, but with no doorlocks

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2024 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  “​I coulda been a contender.”

                                          -Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, still befuddled as to why candidate Kamala passed him by

​ 9.    “Just consider that hypersonic missile landing in Kyiv as a dry run for St. Nikolaus’ sleighride…”

                                                  Your friend, Vladimir

​ 8. “Dear Mr. President​ (Joe): Thank you ​so much for y​our four years of ​ faithful holiday ‘gratuities’ to our peace-loving nation.    Nevertheless, death to America.”                                                                                                                   -Iranian President ​Masoud Pezeshkian

​ 7. “Dashing through the dreck, in a ​costly E.V. car,”

                                   – Gavin Newsom , ​writing about avoiding “mishaps” in downtown San Francisco

​ 6.  ” Jill and I wish you a merry Presidents’ day.”

                                        – Joseph Biden

5.  ” I was only playing Mrs. Santa Claus.”

                          -Governor Kathy Hochul explains her exploding budget

​  4.  “Th​is university proudly announces new ‘Safe Spaces’ for students celebrating the Winter Solstice.” 

​                                       – University Vice President for Safety, Equity, Diversity, Sustainability and Mumbo-Jumbo.”

​ 3.  “Feliz Navidad ,   from Air Force 2,  circling above the Rio Grande.”       – Border Czarina Kamala Harris

​ 2.   ”We wish you a holiday filled with equity, prior to climate change submerging our beloved oceanfront mansion on Martha’s ​                                               Vineyard.” ​                       – Barack and Michelle

                  ...and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS and HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is…

1.   “We hope that the aroma of roasting chestnuts and burning tires wafts into your living room, where you meet loved ones under the mistletoe and dangling Tampons.”

                                             – Tim and Gwen Walz

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2024 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung:  You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order.   But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received.  

For example:  Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.”  But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song:  “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

 Try that format with today’s creation, below.  Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Fi-i-ve Musks-a-trimming.”    

Now:   Your NEW 12 Days of Christmas….

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

–   A Tim Walz fibbing to me

–   Two Cuomos Scheming

–    Three Doug Imhoffs leering

–   Four Trump sneakers selling

–    Fi-i-ive Musks-a-trimming

–      Six Biden pardons

–      Seven Kamalas cackling

–       Eight Putins rattling

–       Nine Hunters grinning

 –       Ten mics for Schumer

  –      Eleven million migrants

–     Twelve fake newspapers 

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WILL BE ON HIATUS FOR THE HOLIDAY.   WE WILL BE BACK IN DECEMBER.

                                                        BLESSINGS TO ALL FOR THANKSGIVING…

10. Congressional “Squad” will declare that “Black Friday” sales are arranged exclusively for the benefit of capitalist predators.

9. Since they are not back in the White House yet…  Will McDonald’s be catering for Mar-a-Lago?

8. Prices have gotten so that even George Soros and Bill Gates are switching from turkey to tofu and Brussel sprouts.

7.  At a Portland “birthing center,” “Pregnant people” in labor on Thanksgiving Day will be gifted with gender-fluid “Liberace-style” robes.

6. Insurance salesman in Springfield, Missouri:   “Honey, my cousins are here…  please don’t refer to them as ‘that migrant caravan’ again.”

5. On Wednesday, the President is hoping that, while pardoning a large turkey…     no one will notice low-key clemencies for Hunter and Hillary.

4.  Kim Jong-un:    “With enough kimchi, we can divvy up this turkey among 26 million loyal North Korean subjects.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        3. Another whopper from Gov. Timothy Walz:   “We personally hunted for all this food today!”

2.  Prince Harry and Meghan:    “We applaud all concerned citizens of the world, who join us in celebrating a ‘sustainable’ Thankgiving this year.”          (MESSAGE FAXED FROM THEIR PRIVATE JET, CIRCLING LAX WHILE THE COUPLE FINISHES THEIR THANKSGIVING DINNER.)

               …and the NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT THANKSGIVING IS “DIFFERENT” IN 2024 is….

1. New York Times editorial headline to read:  “GRATITUDE, FOR WHAT?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “​DESERVING WOMEN CANDIDATES and VOTER MISOGYNY​“

                    by Kamala Harris​ and Doug​las Imhoff  

9. “GLAMOR TIPS FROM ABC’S ‘THE VIEW’“

8. “HOW TO SUCCEED IN POLITICS ​AFTER ONLY 1,459 OUTDOOR RALLIES”

                                       by Donald J. Trump

7. “WHAT BORDER PROBLEM?”

                        by Alejandro Majorkas

6. “22% IS REAL INFLATION, AFTER ALL”

                         by Janet Yellen, Charles Schumer and Jerome Powell

5. “BARACK AND BIDEN:   AN APPRECIATION”

               by Ali Khameni, Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran

4. “DRESS FOR (Pickleball) SUCCESS”

             by U.S. Senator John Fetterman

3. “HOW TO FEED YOUR FAMILY IN THE AGE OF BIDENFLATION”

             by Dr. Jill Biden

  2.  “PRESIDENTIAL TRANSGENDERISM THROUGH THE CENTURIES”

               by ​ (OUTGOING!) Assistant Secretary “Rachel” Levine

… and the NUMBER ONE ‘HOLIDAY’ BOOK WRITTEN by the “UN-” SELF-AWARE is…

1. “YOU CAN TELL A GENTLEMAN BY HIS TAMPONS: A Campaign Memoir”                                                                                                                                                                                                               by Timothy Walz

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10.  “Let’s be honest, why would Montana cowboys keep electing a liberal like me to the U.S. Senate, just ‘cause I have a crew cut?”

9.  “AOC can only take you so far, even in New York.”

8. “Most of the brothers just aren’t buying that ‘gender fluidity​‘ stuff.”

7.   “I just couldn’t get around the image of Bill Clinton and Andrew Cuomo, grinning in my ladies’ locker room.”

6.    “Which would you choose:   the same bag of groceries for $100… or for $130 ??”

5.     “I ​just wanted to be left alone to keep my gas-powered car.”

4.      “There were too many dang coal miners in my state.”

3.     “Maybe I got dumped just in time.”       –Joseph Biden

2.   “Those Keystone Pipeline workers still want their jobs back.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  …and the NUMBER ONE HONEST EXPLANATION for the ELECTION RESULTS is :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 1. “​I knew there’d be a backlash against re-naming the Cleveland Indians.”  – US Sen. Sherrod Brown

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Frightening “Delaware Zombie,” replete with electrodes and hair plugs.

9.  A cackling combination “border-czarina-and-tax-chugging-vampiress,” already eviscerating Americans’ savings and budgets as VP.    Accessories:  flowing black cape and a mock “nuclear football” to toss around.

8. (this one’s too easy) The Governor of Minnesota appears in a 6-foot Tampon costume.   Accessories:  a classroom of normal, innocent 6th grade boys.

7. Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” costume and mask.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        6.   “Migrant fugitive” costume.  Accessories: US Treasury check, free phone, Medicaid card, free housing voucher, black-market revolver, and a “Majorkas for President” button.

5. “Oversized Hands” costume, with your choice of Andrew Cuomo or Bill Clinton mask.

4. U.S. Senator John Fetterman as Uncle Fester.

3. RFK Jr. mask, with simple white coat and stethoscope

2. U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren identifies (in costume) as “John Smith,” just to underscore Pocahontas’ 17th century “gender fluidity.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COSTUME from HALLOWEEN 2024 is…

1. Ex-Congresswoman Liz Cheney mask.   Accessories: Michael Dukakis’ helmet and tank.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “THE EVE OF DESTRUCTION”   –  ‘J.D. and the Hillbillies’ devote an entire ballad to the wars started and lives lost by Harris-Biden blunders

9. “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”    – Joseph Biden sings to wife Jill, asking for an 11 AM wake-up call

8. “DOWN IN THE BOONDOCKS”   – ‘Kamala and the Transitions’ complain and whine that that they must campaign in the backwaters of Georgia, Pennsylvania and North Carolina, where they might run into “real” deplorable Americans

7.  “WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE”    –     Tim Walz exits the National Guard before his unit deploys to Iraq

6.   “I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING”   –     Kammy and Timmy harmonize about ending the inflation they created, closing the border they opened and reversing positions on fracking, health policy and women’s sports

5. “YOU’RE HAVIN’ MY BABY”    – ‘Dougie and the Playboys’ croon on…

4. “I’M ON FIRE”         – Gwen Walz can’t get enough of that “burning tires smell” during husband Tim’s week of riots and arson in Minneapolis

3.    “I GOT THE SHERIFF”      –   During the ABC debate, anchor David Muir gleefully ‘fact checks’ Mr. Trump with erroneous data, but allows the Democrat to repeat falsehoods, unchecked.

2.  ” DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?”       -Kamala, Joseph and Janet Yellen can’t believe that flooding the economy with trillions of printed dollars could lead to 21% inflation over three years 

…and the NUMBER ONE ‘Bill-BORED’ HIT for LATE OCTOBER 2024 is… 

1. “THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN”   –   the Barbershop Quartet of ‘Vlad, Xi, Kim and the Supreme Leader’ are stunned to learn that one candidate for president might create a hypersonic missile and ‘Iron Dome’ defense for the United States

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10.  What is more important to you, bailing out looters and rioters, or delivering life-saving vaccines to the American people?

9.  Thinking about the Catholic vote, would it be smarter to skip the Al Smith dinner…. or to attack the Knights of Columbus at a Senate hearing?

8.  This Halloween, do you think someone who promises huge tax increases has earned the right to wear a Dracula costume?

7.  Have you ever personally handed a Tampon to a 12-year old boy?

6.  If men can get pregnant, can dogs give birth to bison?

5.  President Obama bought a huge Martha’s Vineyard mansion just feet from the Atlantic Ocean.    Does that make him a “climate denier?”

4.  Do you think that an hour of “Paint Ball” qualifies you to claim “combat” experience?

3.  Quickly now:  D.E.I….     or merit and qualifications??

2.  When you were a child, how much pro-Marxist propaganda did you get around the dinner table?

                      …and the TOP “LIGHTNING ROUND” QUESTION WE’D LIKE to SEE ASKED of CANDIDATES for  PRESIDENT and VICE PRESIDENT is…

1.   In ten seconds or less: what causes inflation?

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    10   AMERICA, LAND OF THE HANDOUT…   HOME OF THE EASILY OFFENDED 

9.    I LOVE MY BOSS.    I’M SELF-EMPLOYED.

      8.   THE WELFARE OF HUMANITY IS ALWAYS THE ALIBI OF TYRANTS

7.   THE FIRST POCAHONTAS NEVER RAISED MY TAXES

6.     WHAT DID YOU MISS MOST?   THE PEACE, THE PROSPERITY, OR ME?

5.    TAMPONS FOR SCHOOL BOYS!   CATCH “WALZ FEVER” YOURSELF!

4.    I THOUGHT SOCIALISM MADE SENSE, BUT THEN I TURNED NINE

3.     HONK IF YOU LIKE PEACE AND QUIET

2.    RE-ELECT INFLATION, WAR, OPEN BORDERS AND CRIME.

…and the NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER SPOTTED on AMERICAN HIGHWAYS is…

1. REPUBLICANS BELIEVE EVERY DAY IS JULY 4TH.   DEMOCRATS BELIEVE EVERY DAY IS APRIL 15TH.

                                                                                                                                        -Ronald Reagan

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10.     ​Does “Minnesota Nice” include burning down police stations?

9.    Were you suspicious when your Chinese-paid trips were led by tour guide ​Cai Qi, secretary of the CCP Central Committee?

8.   If your wife needed to open the windows to smell burning tires during your ​week of riot​s…   what was she cooking?

7.  During the Trump years, what bothered you more, the peace or the prosperity?

6.   In this envelope, I have news​.    One of your kids is demanding sex change surgery.    Do you have the right to open it?

5.  Who is the best at forcing taxpayers to leave their state, Gavin Newsom, Kathy Hoch​ul or you?

4.    Can you identify which one of these is a “weapon of war?”​   You sure?

​      3.   What is more important to you: applause from Congresswoman Ilhan Omar or a victory over terrorism for Israel??

2.   Do you think you will drift into “knucklehead” mode less often as vice president than you do as governor?

…and the NUMBER ONE DEBATE LINE LEFT in the BRIEFING BOOK DURING the V.P. DEBATE is…

1.    Did you bring me a Tampon​, Tim?

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SEVEN OF THE COURSES BELOW ARE ACTUALLY BEING TAUGHT AT THE UNIVERSITIES/ COLLEGES LISTED.   THE OTHER THREE COURSES WERE MADE UP BY YOUR EDITOR.    TO SEE IF YOU CAN IDENTIFY  WHICH COURSES ARE REAL, SEE THE P.S. AT THE END OF THE TOP TEN LIST.

Thanks to YOUNG AMERICA’S FOUNDATION for their annual survey of crazy college courses, which provided the real courses below, and hundreds of others.

10. Music and Socialism  – Brown University

9. Settler Colonialism Across Our Solar                       

             System    –     University of Alaska at Fairbanks

8. The Queer Bible     – Swarthmore College

7. Howard Zinn, Kamala Harris & Franz Fanon:  Synthesis for a Humane Future     – Sarah Lawrence College

6. Feminism Without Women   -Yale University

5.  Woke Nature:  Towards an Anthropology of Non-Human Beings   – Carleton College

4. Street Dance Activism:  Co-choreographic Praxis as Activism     – Harvard University

3.  Anthropology 101:   Cannibalism, Shamanism and Alterity       -Pomona College

2.  The Historiography and Intersectionality of Me-Too, Imperialism and Predatory Capitalism     –  Community College of the Ozarks

…and the NUMBER ONE NUTTY COURSE on COLLEGE CAMPUSES THIS AUTUMN, 2024, is:

1.  Critical Fat Studies     – Northwestern University

PS:  Numbers 2, 7 and 9 were created out of whole cloth by your editor.   Fakes.    The other seven college courses are really being offered and “taught” on America’s campuses.

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In her infamous interview, Oprah Winfrey’s opening question for VP Harris was “Can you feel the joy rising for you in here?”In that vein, here are the top pre-approved questions for any Harris-Walz interview:

10.   We know that President Biden’s favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate chip.    What’s yours??

9.  Will you pledge to fight inflation on Day One?

8.  Governor, how do you deal with mean people who don’t even want Tampons in Minnesota’s high schools?

7. Who is the most evil, Trump, Manson or Vance?

6.   Which would you want to make over first, the Oval Office or Air Force One?

5.  Tim, as a gun owner, do you see yourself more in the mold of Clint Eastwood or Charlton Heston?

4.  Is my massage getting that knot out of your neck, Ma’am?

3.  Do you think misogyny remains a potent factor in American elections?

2.  Kamala, if elected, which designer do you plan on wearing to your inaugural?

…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-APPROVED “SOFTBALL” QUESTION FOR ANY HARRIS-WALZ INTERVIEW is…

1.    Have you ever been interviewed in a hot tub before?

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10.     TRUMP WAS CORRECT ON LATE TERM ABORTIONS TAKING PLACE, AFTER ALL                                                                                                                                                                                                       -The Niskayuna Breeze

9.    HARRIS PLAN FOR “BUYBACK” OF GUNS SIMILAR TO CONFISCATIONS FROM THE PEOPLE IN BRUTAL DICTATORSHIPS                                                                                                                   -Jacksonville Post-Intelligencer

8.   TRUMP OPPOSES TAXPAYER-FUNDED SURGERIES FOR TRANSSEXUAL ILLEGALS, HARRIS SUPPORTS THEM                                                                                                                               -New Amsterdam Journal of Medicine

7.    DAVID MUIR’S ABC-TV  “FACT CHECKER” TOLD TO NEVER QUESTION KAMALA WHOPPERS                                                                                                                     ​                                                 – New York Herald-Mirror

6.   ECONOMISTS SUPPORTING KAMALA “PLAN” FOR SPENDING HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT WEATHER                                                                                        -Investors’ Hourly

5.      HARRIS MAY ACTUALLY BE FOR “FRACKING,” BUT THINKS THE TERM MEANS FREE STUFF FOR ILLEGALS                                                                                                                                  -Los Angeles Republic

4.  SWING STATE AMERICANS PREFER THE TITLE “BORDER CZARINA” FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT                                                                                                                                                             – Savannah Picayune

3.    IN VP DEBATE, GOVERNOR WALZ MAY BE QUESTIONED ON TRAVEL EXPENSES PAID BY THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY                                                                                              – Minneapolis Democrat-Volunteer

2.  ​  PROSECUTIONS OF FORMER PRESIDENT BOLSTER HIS SUPPORT AMONG INDEPENDENTS WHO VALUE “A NON-POLITICAL JUDICIAL SYSTEM,” SAY        POLLS                                                          –  St. Louis Courier-Express

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1.    HARRIS PLAN TO TAX UNREALIZED GAINS WOULD WREAK HAVOC, SAY EUROPEAN LEADERS WHO TRIED IT                                                                                                                                                              – Provincetown Crusader“

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10. HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY REAL.   HE LET ME YANK IT DURING KAMALA’S OPENING.

9.   SHE REALLY DOES CALL IT “PRICE-GAUGING.“

8.  NOBODY WOKE ​BIDEN UP TO WATCH THIS?

7.   IS THAT REALLY NICOLAS MADURO IN THE ​VICE PRESIDENT’S S​UITE?

6.  NO, THAT’S RANDY WEINGARTEN WITH SHADES AND A CAP.

5.   HOW DID TRUMP CONVINCE WILLIE BROWN TO FLY IN HERE?

4.   SO ORANGE-MAN IS OFFERING TO TREAT “SLOPPADOPOULOUS” TO A PHILLY CHEESE STEAK AFTER THIS?”

3.    WOW, JUST LIKE OBAMA…    SHE THINKS THERE ARE 58 STATES.

2.   NOT A GOOD LOOK…   TIM WALZ HANDING A TAMPON TO THE “FIRST GENTLEMAN.”

…and the NUMBER ONE ON-STAGE COMMENT WE MIGHT BE HEARING at the BIG DEBATE is…

1. WITH INFLATION LIKE THIS…   ARE YOU BETTER OFF THAN WHEN SHE STARTED TALKING TONIGHT?

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10. “Saving our Democracy“  =    End Voter ID nationwide, pursue your opponents via the justice system, collude with Big Tech to suppress election info, get your political allies to knock your opponents off of state ballots, cripple the independent judiciary that has kept us free for 248 years.  

9.  “Investment”                         = What we call a new trillion-dollar spending idea, dreamt up by your young socialist staff aide.

8. “Middle class”                         =   The overtaxed people who need lots more from our welfare state…  for which we’re about to tax ‘em again.

7.  “Border security”                     =     Wave in over 10 million migrants (including killers, rapists and terrorists) into our nation, with no vetting…   but ‘truly hope’         they will appear at immigration hearings at some point after the Jets win a Super Bowl​.   Then claim you have a ‘compromise solution’ bill that will                ‘restrict’ illegal entries to ‘ONLY’ 1.8 million a year!

6. “Reproductive Freedom”          =  Contrary to prior Democrat policy of abortion being “safe, legal and rare,”  we want the North Korean right to kill human life,      right into the 9th month of pregnancy.

5. “Equity”                                          =     Hard work, intelligence, ingenuity, education and a bit of luck no longer matter.    You will be rewarded or punished based on  your identity.    Do you belong to an oppressed group, or an oppressor class?

4. “Climate Emergency”                  =    That’s the reason we have to impose unaffordable vehicles, huge tolls and more taxes on regular Americans, as ‘climate leaders’ command private jets to fly around the world, with the First Lady jetting to France merely for Olympics entertainment.

3. “Middle East Peace” =   Blame Israeli victims for being attacked and murdered.    Make billions of dollars available to Iran, then express outrage that their          missiles, cannons and drones are turned on Israel and US servicemen and ships.

2.  “Transparency”                                = Never subject yourself to an unscripted interview, tell the American people that Joseph Biden was ‘sharp,’ and conceal from    the public the truth: that the Biden family received tens of millions of influence-peddling dollars from strange, anti-American sources overseas.

…and the NUMBER ONE GLOSSARY ENTRY to REFERENCE DURING the PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…

1. “Affordable Housing”                         =   We will reach into your pocket to pay for new homes for lucky migrants and others.  Public housing developments will fail as they usually do, and your ‘investment’ may require demolition before long.

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–

10. “The home of Hollywood, Yosemite and surfing, Kamala Harris’ state now exports even more people, jobs, businesses and wealth than New York….   Let Kamala   and Gavin Newsom do us proud… we’ll re-make America into San Francisco….”

9. “The Land of 1,000 Lakes is best known for Tim Walz’s endless arson, Tampons for boys, and mega-taxes chasing our ‘Minnesota Nice’ people to just about anywhere else…”

8.     “Aloha – Ma’ahalo… we’re the birthplace of Barack Obama…    and so proud that the Biden-Harris surveillance state has Federal marshals following our    former Congresswoman​, Tulsi Gabbard, where​ver she goes.”

7.      “If taxes are your issue, then New Jersey is not your state.    This is Governor Phil Murphy asking, ‘So, where you gonna go… New York?'”

6.      “Tell the truth, delegates.    Any of you really feel safe here in Chicago?   Stop by the Illinois delegation suite for a free security escort to your hotel.”

5.     “The Empire State casts all 307 delegates for the enlightened Harris-Walz ticket. 307 is also the number of New Yorkers who’ve moved to Florida since I        started speaking.”  – Governor Kathleen Hochul

4.       “Delaware is not only the first state, but the home of Joseph Biden.  If we sound boring, check out these thumb drives of Hunter’s laptop we have for you.”

3.      The Bay State of Massachusetts proudly casts all ​116 delegate​ votes for the Harris – Walz ​plan for ​Venezuelan-style ​“progressivism.​”    Our Senator                         Pocahontas Warren will drive Kamala’s new wealth tax brainstorm ​through the Congress, into law.    That’s what we Democrats stand for:  “Heads you                lose;   tails, the government wins.”

2.       Washington state will carry Kamala’s banner ​high, ​with maximum equity.    The state of Mount Rainier and spawning salmon is planning more “occupied             zones” that could serve as a “Western White House” for a president as wacky as we are!”

…and the NUMBER ONE STATE DELEGATION INTRODUCTION DURING THAT “ROLL CALL” at the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION is…

1.  ​ “I am your Senator, Dick Blumenthal of Connecticut.  I lied about serving in Vietnam and just keep getting re-elected.  My state’s media never bring this up.   So         to Timmy Walz I say:   keep piling it high and deep about your National Guard service.  Tell ’em you were wounded on D-Day and see if any reporter notices.        Oh, and we cast all 74 Connecticut votes for open borders, more inflation, new and higher taxes and government Tampons for every male in America.

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10. “Officer, which one was cooler:  this pro-Hamas riot or Chicago’s 1968 riots?

– Masked-up gender-studies student, speaking to a Chicago PD retiree

9. “Sorry, I can’t go off-teleprompter.”

– Kamala     (speaking to schoolchildren presenting a bouquet)

8. “I’ve been to 10 men’s rooms in this hotel, and not one dang one of ‘em has a Tampon machine.”

– Veep nominee Gov. Timothy Walz

7. “Who wants to change genders right here, right now??”

-Democrat National Chairman Jaime Harrison’s convention kick-off speech

6. “If state taxes are your issue, New Jersey is not your state.   If Federal taxes are your issue, swallow hard and vote Kamala & Timmy anyway.”

                                          – NJ Gov. Phil Murphy

   5.   We need to stop supermarket price gouging, on day one.    Fellow delegates, it’s so easy to pick on people making obscene one-percent profits.”

– Kamala’s soaring acceptance speech

  4.   “If you are an illegal migrant, I have your August check, right up here in my pocket.”

-Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, who also advised delegates not to walk outdoors after 6PM

3. “Can I get an ‘amen’ and some smell of burning tires?”

-potential Second Lady Gwen Walz

2. “What some people call ‘socialism,’ we just call ‘neighborliness.’”

-Nicolas Maduro, who flew in from Venezuela when offered Democrat Convention delegate credentials

                 …and the NUMBER ONE LINE or COMMENT ABOUT to be UTTERED at the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION is…

   1.”For those of you who haven’t scored your ‘weed’ yet, come see me or drop by the New Mexico delegation’s ‘Breaking Bad’ suite.”

               -Former NYC Mayor & presidential candidate Bill DeBlasio

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10.  Tim Walz is unrelated to homonym actor Christoph Waltz… but both do hilarious things.

9.  During his geography teacher days, he told kids that Cuba and Nicaragua were merely ​fighting for social justice.

8.  Governor Walz seems to really believe that arson is “mostly peaceful.”

7.   When he finally, belatedly called out the Minnesota National Guard​ during deadly riots… Walz first asked for Quaker and Amish volunteers.

6.   ​Walz-approved sex change surgeries for Minnesota children will ​be limited to those age 7​ and above.

5.   The governor believes the exodus from his state is due to weather, the Twins and ​Vikings, not Walz tax hikes or crime.

4.   ​Walz’s Tampon machines in school​-boy bathrooms accept cash, credit, Venmo and Canadian currency.​This will be means-tested.

​     3.   When Mrs. Walz opened the windows to smell the “glorious” burning tires from the riots, neighbors complained about her microwaving fish.

2.    After he claimed that socialism is like ​“neighborliness,​” Walz added that armed robbery is like​ deep-tissue massage.

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER-KNOWN FACT ABOUT GOVERNOR TIMOTHY WALZ is…

1.  Walz loves Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, but isn’t personally anti-Semitic. 

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10. Welcome to Chicago — Still Safer than Guatemala or Gaza

9.  ​Illegal? Mayor ​Brandon Johnson has your first check​ in his pocket.

8.   Chicago:   Where Teachers’ Unions Never let Second Graders Push Them Around

7.    I am pleased to gavel the ​2024 Democrat National Convention to order.   Just for old times’ sake, please wear your old Covid mask​ right now.

6. ​   This is the place where Barack Obama began fooling ​some of the people ​most of the time.

5.  ​  Friends, being homeless in Chicago is still better than being “housed” in ​East Palestine, Ohio.

4.   Senator Durbin Invites You to his “Progressive Heaven” in Lincoln Park

3.     Pro-Hamas Arsonists May Proceed to the Air Conditioned Daley Suite (with buffet)

2.     38 Chicagoans Were  Shot Last Weekend —    Delegates, be Forewarned: Firearms are strictly prohibited within the City

…and the NUMBER ONE SELLING POINT for DELEGATES to the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENION in CHICAGO is…

1.     This is It – – Caracas  on the Lake !

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10. VICE PRESIDENT DECLARES FOR PRESIDENT AT 11 AM ; Wraps up Nomination by Acclamation at 11:30​, Bolstering “Democracy”

9. EXCITEMENT IS UNPRECEDENTED —REMINISCENT OF BEATLEMANIA

8. ATTACKS SEEKING TO LINK MS. HARRIS TO THE BORDER MUST AND WILL FAIL

7. THAT ​“GIRL ON THE SCHOOLBUS​” NOW PREPARES TO ​LEAD THE FREE WORLD 

6. THE “SIGNIFICANCE OF THE PASSAGE OF TIME” SUDDENLY MAKES SENSE TO “K STREET” LOBBYISTS

5. THAT ALLEGED “BAIL FUND FOR RIOTERS, ARSONISTS AND LOOTERS” ​MERELY SOUGHT TO ADVANCE SOCIAL JUSTICE

4. DESPITE PRIVILEGED UPBRINGING, KAMALA HAS ALWAYS BATTLED MISOGYNISTS, RACISTS, OPPRESSORS  

3. “DEFUND” NEVER INTENDED AS CRITICISM OF THE POLICE, HARRIS DECLARES

2. KAMALA DELIBERATELY FORGED IMAGE AS A “MODERATE” IN CALIFORNIA

…and the NUMBER ONE “KAMALA” HEADLINE WE FORESEE FROM YOUR NEUTRAL, LEGACY MEDIA THIS WEEK is…

1. KAMALA HARRIS UNITES AMERICANS OF ALL RACES AND GENERATIONS

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(“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” was not published last week, owing to:    ** The Assassination Attempt on the former President of the U.S., and ** Surgery Completed on Your Humble Editor.)

10.  If Joe departs prior to January 20th, there is a chance he’ll give up that “Worst president ever” title right quick.

9.   Aides convinced him he can retire next to that ice cream machine in Delaware.

8.     This will give him more time to help Hunter with the family “business.”

7.    When you think about it, Joe could not possibly do any more TO the country.

      6.     Kamala has promised to continue access to the White House Mess, the pool and unlimited cuff links.

5.     There’s only so much Red Bull in the District of Columbia.

4.      Someone on the Internet says that Joseph could keep most of the campaign money for himself or the family “business.”

3.    Joe is much better off cashing out now, versus when the planned Democrat tax hikes kick in next year.

2.   When Joseph saw Dr. Jill using the White House bowling alley for the first time, he knew he was toast.

…and the NUMBER ONE FACTOR INFLUENCING JOSEPH BIDEN to “STAND DOWN” from his RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN is…

1.  He wants to freeze in time his status as the presidency’s greatest debater. 

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10. Given your performance in that debate, will you switch your ice cream flavor from sleepy chocolate chip to caffeinated espresso bean?

9.   Considering the need for student loan “relief” and many more electric cars, how many trillions will you add to your next budget proposal?

8.  Tell us about all that our incredible First Lady’s White House staff has accomplished.

7.   House investigators say they’ve uncovered nine “shell” corporations your son has established, where at least $30 million has been received from foreign dictators,  and then redistributed to Biden family members.    Would you say these claims from your MAGA opponents are more like hogwash or plain old malarkey?

6.   If you win a second term, will you exact any retribution against the South Pacific cannibals who consumed your uncle, without justification?

5.  I know you are proud of the job Kamala Harris has done as your “Border Czarina.”   Will she be on that national security case for the next four years, sir?

4.  How did you keep inflation down to just 20% during your first term?

3. Mr. President, you will turn 82 on November 20th.    That makes you a Scorpio, where power, vulnerability and determination are hallmarks.   Are you a product of your Zodiac sign, sir?

2. Growing up as “Scranton Joe,” did you identify most with the Puerto Rican, Jewish, black, Irish, Italian… or cannibal community?

…and the NUMBER ONE UNASKED QUESTION on GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS’ CLIPBOARD DURING that “HARD HITTING” INTERVIEW with JOSEPH BIDEN is…

1. With all the demands on your time, sir, how did you ever get to be a 6-handicap golfer?   May I caddy for you?

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10.  HE REALLY LOOKED VIRILE AND MUSCULAR, DONTCHA THINK?

9.   HE GOT SOME NUMBERS WRONG, BUT SURE SHOWED HIS COMMITMENT TO EQUITY.

8.   WHAT BORDER? 

7.   TO ME, STANDING FOR 90 MINUTES IS A REAL ACHIEVEMENT.

6.   NO, HE DIDN’T ARRIVE HERE IN AN ELECTRIC LIMOUSINE.  YOUR POINT?

5.   WHAT DOES VOTER I.D. HAVE TO DO WITH DEMOCRACY?

4.   WHAT FATHER WOULDN’T WELCOME $30 MILLION, TAX-FREE, FOR HIS FAMILY?

3.    LOOK, HE FOUND THE EXIT, DIDN’T HE?

2.    YES, HIS NEW HAIRPLUGS CAME AT TAXPAYER EXPENSE.    BUT THE BORDER AND INFLATION ARE UNDER CONTROL NOW.

…and the NUMBER ONE ATTEMPT AT “SPIN” FOLLOWING THE DEBATE is….

1.    HAVE CLOONEY, PUTIN AND AMERICA’S SWEETHEART EVER BEEN WRONG AT THE SAME TIME?

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10.   No, Sir.   He is not talking about the Delaware-Maryland border.

9.   We’ve got the Inflation Reduction Act.   Why can’t we have the World Peace Act?

8.  Yes, you should shake hands with him.   It’s summer; just don’t wear mittens.

7.   Can I ask why $3 million from Moscow wound up in his daughter’s account?

6.   Promise me an ice cream cone at the end.

5.  You sayin’ there was no 9% inflation in January 2021?

4.   Here is your Briefing Book on inflation and Federal Reserve  policies.  The executive summary is only two words:  “STOP OVERSPENDING!”

3.  You mean his wife won’t be standing there, either?

2.  What can I wear that’s “inclusive?”

…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-DEBATE PREPPING COMMENT OVERHEARD THIS WEEK is…

     1. Don’t worry.   With Jake and Dana, it’ll be three-against-one.

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10.  “ARE YOU SURE HANK DONE IT THIS WAY?’​ – Antony Blinken tries to craft a Henry Kissinger image for himself.

9.   “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”​   –  The President calls to Dr. Jill at 10:30, as she departs for the community college.

8.   “MONEY FOR NOTHIN’”​  –   The trillion-dollar “Green New Deal” allows for payoffs to Biden allies and random leftists, but for which ‘climate’ results, exactly?

7.   “EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD”  –  Your Vladimir, ​Xi, Kim​, + Ortega barbershop quartet.

6.  “IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME”​   –    I’d still be ignorant.

5.   “9-TO-5”​   –   “Overtime” in the Oval Office.

4.    “FORTUNATE SON”​ –   Georgetown, Yale Law, then on to collecting $30 million from foreign “dignitaries.”

3.  “DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?”​   –   Kamala calls the evening news anchors to guarantee she’ll be on the ticket.

2.  “JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH”​ –  Trump “documents” prosecutor Jack Smith arranges to be photographed walking from court to buy his own Subway sandwich.

…and the NUMBER ONE POP MUSIC TUNE on BEACH PLAYLISTS this SUMMER is:

1.  “WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES”​   —   For the gullible citizens who agree that Joseph Biden inherited a 9% inflation rate.

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 10. THREE HUNDRED NORMANDY CIVILIANS KILLED IN SURPRISE U.S. ​AND BRITISH RAIDS

​ 9.  PRESIDENT QUICKLY DISMISSES VON RIBBENTROP OFFER OF IMMEDIATE CEASE-FIRE 

 8. LOOKING AHEAD TO ELECTION, PRESIDENT SEEKS TO BURNISH IMAGE AS A STRONG, COMPETENT CHIEF EXECUTIVE

  7. WHY NORMANDY AND NOT PAS de CALAIS?   FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARIES DEBATE.

 6. SOME FEAR D-DAY ATTACK COULD PROVOKE HITLER TO INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS

 5.  AFTERMATH OF LANDINGS AT UTAH AND OMAHA BEACHES REVEALS UNPRECEDENTED ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION​ AND CONSUMPTION OF FOSSIL FUELS

 4.   DO SECRET MEETINGS WITH ALLIED MILITARY GENERALS WARRANT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR? CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS ARE PLANNED.

 3.  WASHINGTON POST OBTAINS DOCUMENTS AND SATELLITE IMAGES REVEALING EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALLIED SHIPS, AIRCRAFT AND TROOPS

 2.   IN PLANNING LAVATORIES FOR 156,000 TROOPS, TRANSGENDER N​EEDS FALL BY THE WAYSIDE

                  …and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE if TODAY’S MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS COVERING the D-DAY LANDINGS is:

 1.  MUSSOLINI, TOJO, HITLER CRITICIZE D-DAY FOR MASSIVE, UNDENIABLE IMPACT ON CLIMATE CHANGE

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10. (Juror:)   “No, I had never heard of Trump or Biden before.  Did they create the ‘Who’s on First’ routine?”

9. “I don’t mind the hair color in the least…   but all those Diet Cokes?”

8. “Your Honor, I love how well you wear those form-fitting robes.”

7.   “The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.    Is that a multiple choice question?

6.   “Nope, this sheet does not have the judge’s instructions….   but it does look like the jury’s lunch orders.”

5.   “I think those are Biden-Harris shorts under those robes.”

4.   “I keep confusing the adult film star and juror #7.”

3.   “So MICHAEL Cohen is NOT the Mets’ owner?  I never connected lying with baseball, anyway.”

2.  (Man on cell phone…)  “Thank you, Mr. President.   But we were just doing our jobs.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD in MANHATTAN COURTROOMS THIS WEEK was…

1.  “Please tell me again.   What was the crime here?”

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10. No, that can’t be a tiny I.V. running up Joseph’s sleeve…. can it?

9.  A tiny earphone for the president.​   (How else could he hear us?)

8. T​o avoid disinformation, the Biden team will control​ all microphone​s.

7.  Questions and topics to be developed by Hakeem Jeffries, ​Rachel Maddow, Kamala, Stephen Colbert and Kim Jong-un.

6.  Soft candle lighting only, please.

5.  Simultaneous live translations of the President’s responses in Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Russian, Tagalog, Hindi, Japanese, Afrikaans, Swahili, Haitian Creole, Yiddish, but most importantly…  in clear, intelligible ENGLISH.

4.  Three 20-minute coffee or chilled Red Bull breaks.

3.  The President will require two nurses…    err….   Secret Service associates…   at his lectern.

2.  Only President Biden will receive debate questions in advance.   (Hey, CNN did that for Hillary, right?)

… and the NUMBER ONE DEMAND the BIDEN TEAM is MAKING PRIOR to the UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…

1. ​To avoid “cackling eruptions,” Kamala will remain in a secure. sound-proof isolation booth until sign-off.

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10.  Traffic will ebb so much, you’ll be able to ride your skateboard through the Midtown Tunnel.

9.   The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) will be able to pay lots more subway cleaners $100,000 pensions when they retire.

8.  Millions will return to the safety of the subways.

​     7.  Look for this new phenomenon:  “canoeing commuters.”

6.    The MTA will be able to keep ignoring the 40% of Bronx bus riders who refuse to pay their fares.

5.   Once $1 billion is collected in new tolls/taxes, the fourth car in every subway train will be the “dining carriage.”   The sixth car will offer cannabis sales.

4.   MTA leaders can finally upgrade to new limousines.

3.  When a restaurant loses most of its dining traffic, you can always score a good table (until they close).

2.  What else could unite the teachers’ union and a Republican Borough President in opposition? 

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT PROGRESSIVES are EXPECTING from NYC’S NEW “CONGESTION PRICING” TAX/TOLL is:

1. Who knew the price of used helicopters would spike over this?

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10. To avoid handling checks personally, have Hunter or one of your officially-recognized grandchildren in the receiving line..

9.  Serve the finest wines Delaware has to offer.

8.  To avoid embarrassing a foreign dictator, offer Venmo as a more genteel way of transmitting those eye-popping “gratuities.”

7. Scream about  “THE THREAT TO DEMOCRACY!,”  …then mingle.

6. Many guests, naturally, will appreciate the ability to sniff the hair of younger females.

5.  After the entrée is served, nothing says “Event concludes 9PM sharp” more than changing into pajamas for dessert.

4. If the crowd is lingering after hours, play the “Kamala cackling” audio tape, & watch ’em clear out.”

3. Make sure you have an ample supply of “ol’ 45s” ready for the Victrola.

2. Remind emcee Pete Buttigieg to park his bicycle in a visible spot, in the event a camera emerges.

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN PARTY TIP is:

1. Only Bidens get in free.

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10.   “Sure I know what it means.   It means the subway from the East River to that sea by Coney Island.”

9. “Of course I’m a student.   Today, I learned that crime has no consequences here.”

8. ” Don’t TAZE me, bro!”  (Uttered to a college maintenance guy…)

7. “If we call this squatting, can we stay longer?”

6. “Palestine?  Isn’t that place in Ohio that Biden won’t visit?”

5. “This is the bravest thing I’ve done​ since switching genders twice in one month.”

4. “You sayin’ that expulsion really means expulsion?”

3. “Sarge, you were right.   They don’t shower at all.”

2. “I’m here for the weed.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING POLICE ACTIONS to REMOVE VANDALS from the COLUMBIA and C.C.N.Y. CAMPUSES is: 

1. “Thank you, Mr. Soros. But should the tents all be identical?”

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      10.   Anti-Israel Triathlon  (even U.S. Senators may compete, calling for “regime change” in the Jewish state, while rapidly repositioning themselves for cameras and microphones).

9. Synchronized Political Prosecutions   (competitions to be hosted in New York City, Atlanta and Washington, D.C.)

8. Speed Skating Across the Russian Border  (an all-weather, winter & summer Olympic event).

7. Combined Women’s / Transgender Powerlifting

6. Trampoline Acrobatics   (all participants will receive Ivy League university credits and ​student loan “forgiveness”).

5. High Wire Competitive Ballet  (executives seeking re-election try to persuade innocent voters that they celebrated both Passover and Ramadan this spring).

4.  No-Bail, No-Prosecution Looting  (Judges may award bonus points for verifiable acts of arson).

3.  Open-Water Swim  (Competition held in the Rio Grande River.   Medalists awarded three-year billeting at NY’s Roosevelt Hotel.​   All swimmers receive guaranteed income, immediate voting rights & American-made, “sustainable” motor vehicles.).

2. “​Defying Police While Occupy​ing to Support H​amas Genocide”    (Similar to bullriding, pro-murder “protesters” seek to ​physically defy arrest by police for as long a duration as possible).

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW OLYMPIC SPORTING EVENT BEING REQUESTED by the BIDEN ADMINISTRATION is….

1. Power Grifting   (competitions to be hosted by Red China, Russia, Ukraine and Qatar.  Medal ceremony in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware).

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​10.  NPR FINALLY SUSPENDS RIGHT-WING INGRATE​  –  New York Town Crier

​  9.  A VIBRANT PRESIDENT BOUND​S FROM ​THE STAGE WITH NO​ VISIBLE ASSISTANCE​   

                                                                           -Rehoboth Penny Saver

​  8.  IF ELECTED SPEAKER, MARJORIE T. GREENE PLEDGES TO NEVER WEAR THE WHITE CHICKEN SUIT IN PUBLIC

– Alpharetta Constitution

​  7.  DURING WAVE OF SHOCKING ANTI-SEMITISM, NPR CEO REFOCUSES NEWS COVERAGE ON “TRANSPHOBIA”

– Borough Park Bugle

​   6.  MR. BIDEN PROMISES SON THAT ANY NEW “WEALTH TAX” WILL NOT IMPACT FAMILY INFLUENCE-PEDDLING INCOME​   

– Investor’s Quarterly

​   5.  LIBERAL NPR EDITOR SAYS HIS PEERS INCLUDE 87 DEMOCRATS AND ZERO REPUBLICANS.  CEO RESPONDS: “AND YOUR POINT?”​ 

                                           – Milwaukee Times-Picayune

​   4.  VICE PRESIDENT SAID TO ASK ABOUT PROXIMITY OF TEHERAN TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER  – New Braunfels Evening News

3. UNKNOWN TO MOST NEW YORKERS, SENATOR GILLIBRAND STILL LEADING IN POLLS FOR RE-ELECTION​   – Plattsburgh Freeman

​    2.  BREAKING: CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SEE “IDENTITY POLITICS,” AS PRESIDENT SWITCHES FROM CHOCOLATE CHIP TO TUTTI FRUTTI ICE CREAM

– Burlington Gazette and Intelligencer

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1. GOVERNOR HOCHUL SIGNS STATE BUDGET OF $237 BILLION TO SERVE 19.5 MILLION NEW YORKERS.     FLORIDA TO S​PEND JUST $117 BILLION​ FOR 23 MILLION PEOPLE.     – Roosevelt Island Recorder

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    ​10.  In some states, get ready to stand behind new migrants to cast your vote. Remember, “no one is illegal.”

       9.  Egg prices have doubled in just 30-odd months-of-Biden.  Better scramble.

8.   Planning that family vay-cay?   Gas costs 50% more now.  Maybe switch to a movie and an ice cream cone.

7.  School counselors are convincing your son Bubba that he’s really a Cynthia.

6.   CNN is telling you that “another young man has been killed by the police.”   (Reality: the decedent first emptied his 11 shot-pistol AT the police).

5.   Quick!  Begin saving for that high-ticket electric car Biden and his EPA are foisting on you.

4.  You may need help explaining to your third-grader that her share of our national debt is $83,000.

3.  Congratulations!  Your Biden White House now considers you “rich.”    Now, pay your “fair share” in taxes.

2.  Heading to the NY Times best-sellers list:  Squatting.The New Affordable Housing. 

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY THAT “PROGRESSIVES” are SAYING “WELCOME to SPRINGTIME” is…

1. ​ Ladies:  In your locker room, that really is a naked man leering at you.

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​10.   (Call at 12 noon to the presidential palace in Paris)  “Sorry I’m late, may I call you Bibi?”

​ 9.    “Are you close enough to deliver chocolate chip ice cream?”

​ 8.     “You mean you are VLADIMIR, and not Volod​ymyr… in Kyiv?   So, how’s the weather in Moscow today?”

​ 7.    “Jilly?  Jill?   Am I in Wilmington, Rehoboth or what?”

​ 6.    “​Second Gentleman Emhoff, can you help ​focus Kamala on the border?”

​ 5.    “Hey Hunter, would-ya please call that lady is Moscow again?    Ask for another three-mil.”

  4.  “The price of gas is still under a dollar, ain’t it, Jim?”

  3.   “Hold on!   You sayin’ there could be ANOTHER laptop out there?    Quick, can we blame the Russians again?”

  2.  “I’m tellin’ ya, Rachel.    Corn Pop is real, but Tony Bobulinsky is not.”

…and the NUMBER ONE PHONE CALL EMANATING from the WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK, as INTERCEPTED by FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SYSTEMS is:

  1. “Nah, “paying my fair doesn’t apply to cash from overseas.”

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10.  “You really had a balanced budget?”  “Yeah, but Newt handed it to me.”

9. “We-e-ll, doagies, d’jou see that blonde in the 3rd row?”     

                 “This is New York, Bill.  ‘He’s’ a transgender.”

8.   “Really?     The man is younger than Jimmy Carter?”

7. “Q:  “$100,000 for this?”   

             A: “You never heard of Bidenflation?”

6. “I know I’m a bit older, but I like those songs by LizzY.”

5.  “Barack, what is the difference between a trillion and a gazillion?

4.   ” And today, just spittin’ distance from St. Patrick’s Cathedral, I’m proud to announce that ‘Trans Appreciation Day’ will coincide with Easter Sunday.”

3. “You can’t run, you can’t hide. We charge you with gen-o-cide.”  (Screaming directed at Radio City’s turnstile operators).

2.  “Is that a rechargeable cattle prod Hillary is carrying?”

….and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD at the BIDEN-OBAMA-CLINTON FUNDRAISER that RAISED $26 MILLION in NYC was:

1. “No, sir, this is Radio City, not the Ramada Wilmington.”

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10. That wafting smell on West 41st Street is not from a Longhorn stable.

      9.  You mean we have to pay income taxes here?

8. The grinning guy with the hat on the “A” train is not a Texas Ranger.

7. In Texas, “squatters” can be “persuaded” to find alternative lodging, pretty much immediately.

6. The “Best Little Whorehouse” is not in Luckenbach, plus we call ‘em “sex workers” here.

5.  Texas has “The Alamo,” we’ve got “Fort Apache.”

4.   Along the BQE, that is wind-swept trash, not tumbleweeds.

3.  In Greenwich Village, a man wearing chaps is not guaranteed to be a “cattle-drivin’, six-gun totin'” cowboy.

2. Really?  Jacob deGrom left the Mets to pitch in a no-income tax state?

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY to TELL YOU’RE in NEW YORK and NOT in TEXAS is…

1. I know a guy here who has to post a quick $500 million bond for a “crime” with no victims.

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10. Cartel minivan drivers crossing the border with a “Majorkas Bobblehead” ornament on the dashboard will receive pre-paid gasoline cards and free rapid oil change.

9. Border-crossing migrants from Andorra, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, San Marino, Vatican City and Gibraltar will be arrested and deported immediately.

8. High-net worth migrants from Monaco will be assessed a 25% “wealth tax” upon US entry, and returned to Monte Carlo (economy class) forthwith.

7. Racial, ethnic and gender profiling of migrants is strictly prohibited…        except for those shifty Liechstensteiners.

6. For each 300 feet of new border wall constructed, a bronze bust of a Biden family member must be affixed and displayed.

5. Migrants who have obtained counterfeit Voter IDs will be booked into Manhattan’s Roosevelt Hotel, and then re-directed to 2024 “Swing States.”

4.  Crossing the Rio Grande in a wet “Thank You Joe Biden” T-shirt grants you a free towel, cell phone and gift card.

3.  Every thousandth illegal will be awarded “their” own “Newcomer Influencer” channel on You Tube.

2.   1.5 million new, additional migrants WILL be released into the U.S. each year   (Wait! That actually WAS in the previous Biden-Schumer bill!!)

….and the NUMBER ONE PROVISION in the LATEST “BI-PARTISAN’ BORDER PROPOSAL is:

1.   Migrants flown into the U.S. on Biden-requisitioned military aircraft will have automatic access to First Class airline lounges.

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10. “After three short years, your dollar is still worth about half of its original value.”

9.   “The United States is being challenged as never before.    We need a military that welcomes every single gender.”

8.   “I am appointing my brother Hunter to….”

7.    “In fact, more than a thousand illegal​,​sorry, undocumented, migrants work in this very building!”

6.    “I told Jill to crank up the Victrola last week and….”

5.   “Medicare and Social Security are as sound as our borders.​ They’ve got at least another two years left.”

4.   “My Chinese paymasters have been insisting….”

3.   “​S​o many of our problems can be traced to shrinkflation.”

2.   “​Corn Pop was telling me just the other day that we should go behind the school gym and beat up ‘my predecessor.'”

    …and the NUMBER ONE LINE EDITED OUT of the “STATE f the UNION” ADDRESS is:

1.  “Except for my no-experience family members, let’s make the rich pay their fair share of taxes.”

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10. 34% agree that Vladimir Putin without shirt is a “good presidential look.”

9.  Opposition candidates Niklas Khakitonov, Leonid Slutsky and Vladislav Davankov are polling at a combined 7%.

8.  Russian voters overwhelmingly say that “mail-in ballots offer too much opportunity for fraud.”

7.  98.4% of Russian voters “doubt” that U. S. Senator Elizabeth Warren ​actually “descended from Siberian Eskimos.”

6. One in five Stolichnaya vodka drinkers plan to write in “Peter the Great” for president.   (Survey taken at 11 PM).

5.  Asked to name a heroic​, admirable Russian leader, 67% answered “Maria Sharapova.”

4.  73% of Russians with access to a television say that “Russian sit-coms more-funny than Amerikanski ones.”

3. When Muscovites are surveyed in-person, 99% prefer Vlad Putin’s version of “Blueberry Hill” to Fats Domino’s.

2.     Vladivostok voters would prefer to rename their city “Mar-A-Lago,” in order to improve the weather.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING RESULT from SURVEYS of RUSSIAN VOTERS, JUST PRIOR to THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION is:

​     1.  Following their president’s lead, 84% of Russian voters favor Biden over Trump.

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10. “​I AM NOT A BIDEN RUBBER STAMP.    A RUBBER STAMP ​LEAVES AN IMPRESSION’

9. “I’M FOR THE SECOND AMENDMENT”   (for upstate TV markets)

8. “GUNS ARE THE PROBLEM” (for the NYC + suburban markets)

7.  “MY PLAN IS TO SERVE MY FULL TERM.  AS OF TODAY.”

6.   “ONCE VOTED THE HOTTEST MEMBER OF CONGRESS”

5.   “NEW YORKERS WANT EQUITY, NOT LOWER TAXES”

4. “’VOTED BY CAPITOL STAFFERS AS ‘ONE OF THE 98 SMARTEST SENATORS.'”

3. “MY CONSTITUENT SERVICE​ STAFF HELP THE MIDDLE CLASS EVERY DAY.   PRESS ONE IF YOU ARE A DONOR”

2.  “I SOLVED THAT STICKY BORDER CRISIS….      WITH CONNECTICUT”

…and the NUMBER ONE “TRIAL BALLOON” SLOGAN for the RE-ELECT SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND CAMPAIGN is…

1. “VOTE GILLIBRAND.   SHE’LL NEVER USE THE WRONG PRONOUN.”

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10. “No, that box has my cash payments from China and Russia.”

9. “Mr. President?   Mr. President?    No, that means you, sir.”

8.  “Look, my Corvette never got stolen.”

7.  “Just because you raided Melania’s undies, don’t get fresh here, Sonny Boy.”

6.   “Leave my brother Hunter out of this.”

5.​  “Documents?   Are you my accountant?”

4. “You can’t charge me — I’m the dang U.S. Senator.”

3. “Here’s a really top secret file:   my plan to close the border.”

2.  “Hur?  Bob Hur?    I knew your grandpappy – –   Ben.”

… and the NUMBER ONE YET-UNRELEASED REMARK from SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT HUR’S REPORT on BIDEN MISHANDLING of CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS is…

1.  “Jill, show him the ‘Influence Peddling’ file cabinet, OK?”

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10. The pre-paid Food Stamp credit cards are fine, but​,​ OH! Those pre-paid “Fan Duel” gambling cards​!

9. Judgmental “illegal migrant” moniker to be replaced with “guest brand ambassador.”

8. “No-photo TSA clearance” to be outdone by No-photo drivers’ licenses.

7.  New ​NYC Adams administration “frequent guest” program:  ​“Stay 10 days in the $383-a-night Roosevelt Hotel, earn two free nights at any non-Trump hotel.​“

6. “Recreation hour’ in migrant housing is operated by Equinox Fitness.

5. Cash prizes at the “Migrant Olympics,” where  competitions include traversing a river, scaling a wall and stealing live poultry.

4.  Looks like we can actually use all these mail-in absentee ballots.

3.  Those “Times Square Gun Free Zone” signs don’t apply to us.

2.  Hey, it’s off-season. Let’s fly back to Martha’s Vineyard !

…and the NUMBER ONE “AMENITY” OFFERED by NYC, as VOTED by ILLEGAL MIGRANTS is…

1. You can trade fentanyl for weed almost anywhere.

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10. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was bicycling to Indiana to adopt triplets and “earn” triple paternity leave.

9. Attorney General Garland borrowed John Kerry’s private jet to take his annual “Continuing Legal Education” courses….    in Cuba.

8.  VP Kamala “took no calls” for three days at the Vice President’s Naval Observatory residence, so she could carefully study aerial and satellite images of our southern border.

7.  Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen took a 3-hour “mental health” and espresso break after processing the difference between a billion, trillion and gazillion.

6.  Although staff feared he might be in violent San Francisco, Governor Newsom was finally discovered in a Yountsville, California meadow, 146 yards from his beloved French Laundry, sleeping off the “caviar-and-vodka” tasting menu.

5. Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas flew to an ‘anti-impeachment coaching and spa’ weekend in Lebanon, Kansas, the remote point equidistant from both the Mexican and Canadian borders.

4.  Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm simply got stranded for 46 hours in Bourbon County, Kentucky, seeking a tow to an electric vehicle charging station.

3.  Miguel Cardona, Secretary of Education, was cloistered in “Dr. Jill’s” Northern Virginia Community College, taking the advanced “cursive writing” course.

2.  In full headdress, US Senator Elizabeth Warren drove across the NY state border to personally apply for a coveted “Native American Gaming Casino” license.   The round-trip and paperwork consumed 28 hours of “personal time.”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE a SENIOR OFFICIAL COULD GIVE for GOING “AWOL” is…

   1. Vladimir Putin was “off the Russian grid” nearly four hours.    Apparently, he was riding a horse in Red Square, shirtless.   There were no witnesses or recorded photographs.

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​10.  Blocking traffic is your “First Amendment right,” but shouting down a campus speaker ends “hate speech.”

​  9.  Paying a “fair share” in taxes is always for someone else.

8. You believe in “cancelling” student loan debts, not transferring unpaid loans to taxpayers.

7. You’ve really learned a lot from Greta Thunberg and Jamal Bowman.

6. “Choice” never includes parental school choice.

5.  On the street, a migrant asked YOU for money!  The nerve.

4.  You hated Joe McCarthy’s goals, but love his methods.

3.  You might try a new gender for 2024.

2.  From your private jet’s mobile phone, you call in to MSNBC to denounce the “climate emergency.”

… and the NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU ARE a CERTIFIED PROGRESSIVE is:

1. Your fashion statement:  that Rashida Tlaib tattoo and the Fidel Castro beret.

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10. The Secretary was distracted by a Candygram delivery on the day some migrants waded across the Rio Grande.

9. Photo IDs? Migrants don’t need “no” photo IDs to fly.

8. Alejandro enjoys full support from our “Border Czarina.”      (VP Kamala)

7. Without 8 million new migrants, where will America get all the surgeons, engineers, gender studies majors, police and military recruits it needs?

6. Secretary Mayorkas is working diligently with banks to identify potential insurrectionists, angry PTA moms, weekly mass-goers and people searching for “NASCAR” on the Internet.

5. Would a new hairstyle get you to back off?

4.  The President and the Secretary actually delegated border policy to a budget specialist in the “Border Czarina’s” office.

3.  Just listen to the owner of Moe’s Food Truck in Eagle Pass.    He’s making money hand-over-fist.   

2.  There’s nothing like 100,000 migrant arrivals to make your town less-white supremacist.

…and the NUMBER ONE BEST REBUTTAL to the IMPEACHMENT of SECRETARY ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS is: 

1. Look, who’s going to deliver my moo shu beef during a snowstorm?

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Research Sources:  Young America’s Foundation; Campus Reform; Lone Conservative; Catholic Citizens; and Fox News.

NOW, SEVEN of these COURSES HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN OFFERED at ACCREDITED UNIVERSITIES.   CAN YOU GUESS WHICH THREE COURSES WERE TOTALLY INVENTED by YOUR HUMBLE EDITOR?   See answers at very bottom.

10. “Indigenous Queer and Two-‘Sprit’ studies”        (part of BS/BA in “Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies”)  -Oregon State University 

    9.“Angry White Male Studies” course    –  University of Kansas

8. “The Casual Imperialism of the Cis-gendered” – Vassar College                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       7.“Walk the Talk: Institutionalizing Sustainable Anti-Racist DEI Work” (Graduate School of Education)  – Harvard University

   6.“Queering the Bible” (queer and trans readings of bible texts)   – Swarthmore College

5. “Disney and Pop Culture Politics” (receive ‘Gender Equality’ credit) – University of South Florida

     4.“Re-thinking Social Justice in the USSR and Warsaw Pact Regions”  (School of Foreign Service)  -Georgetown University

3. “Black and Queer in Leather: BDSM Material Culture” (Lewis Center for the Arts) – Princeton University                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         2.“Vampires: Evolution of a Sexy Monster”  -University of Kentucky

…and the NUMBER ONE BIZARRE COLLEGE COURSE THESE DAYS is:

1. “The Rousing Words and Sensuality of Fidel Castro” (elective in the Sociology and Public Affairs Departments)  -Oberlin College

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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ANSWERS TO QUESTION NEAR TOP OF THE PAGE:   NUMBERS 8, 4 AND 1 WERE INVENTED BY YOUR EDITOR.    THE OTHER SEVEN COURSES WERE ACTUALLY OFFERED !

10. NAME THAT BORDER CZARINA

9. IVY LEAGUE ANTI-SEMITISM “IN CONTEXT”

8. JOSEPH BIDEN ACHIEVEMENTS

7. TRANSGENDER SPORTS CHAMPIONS

6. ICONIC SPEECHES by FEMALE VICE PRESIDENTS

5. ILLEGAL MIGRANT COLLECTED WORKS

4. NATIONS WHERE SOCIALISM HAS WORKED

           (Producers still searching for such locations…)

3. CASHLESS BAIL WHEEL of FORTUNE

2.  ​HOAXES BY AUTHOR

…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED “JEOPARDY” CATEGORY for 2024 is: 

1. WHO SAID IT: AOC, OMAR or FIDEL?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. (Andrew Cuomo) When announcing a new run for elective office, (to prevent involuntary groping) wear catcher’s mitts on both hands.