Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.   21% of South Carolina voters identified Nancy Pelosi as a soap opera villain.

 9.  Of those voting for Keith Ellison for Minnesota Attorney General, 48% believe he is opposed to domestic violence.

 8.  4% of New Yorkers selected Kirsten Gillibrand as a “Swedish rock band.”

 7.  In Arizona, 6% of those marking “Sinema” for US Senate thought they would be issued free movie tickets.

 6.  23% of South Bronx residents support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘s version of socialism, even if it means rationing toilet paper.

 5.   17% of Vermonters identified incumbent Senator Bernie Sanders as a “scrumptious Ben & Jerry’s flavor.”

 4.   9% of Kentuckians believe Bernie Sanders to be related to the Colonel.

 3.    99% of Haitian-American Republicans in Utah voted to re-elect Congresswoman Mia Love.

 2.    52% of male Missouri voters told pollsters that US Senator Claire McCaskill reminded them “of their first wives or their mothers-in-law.”

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST INTERESTING RESULTS from “EXIT POLLS” on ELECTION DAY 2018 is:

 1.   76% of South and North Dakotans admitted that they would rather “actually dance with wolves” than support Andrew M. Cuomo for president.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe for free, log on to  www.gipperten.com   .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site, catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016, 2017 and 2018 by scrolling back.   To contact Your Weekly American Top Ten list, please e-mail:  herbstupp@gmail.com .   Enjoy!

10.  In New Jersey, 23% of voters support challenger Bob Hugin for U.S. Senator, 22% support incumbent Bob Menendez, but 53% strongly oppose their daughters becoming interns for Senator Menendez.

9.   10% of Californians would prefer to live in Nepal.

8.    17% of people randomly surveyed in Jerrold Nadler’s Manhattan Congressional district consider him to be a sex symbol.

7.    47% of Texans admit they just like saying “Beto.”

6.    32% of South Dakotans told pollsters they consider North Dakotans to be “crass.”

5.     An astonishing 97% of residents of Arctic Village, Alaska favor re-incorporating as “Palm Springs.”

4.   87% of self-described Evangelicals do not own a single “rap” CD.

3.   39% of Californians favor the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate (though there is none!).

2.     6% of all Americans identified PBS character Ross Poldark as the British Prime Minister.  

…and  the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING POLL RESULT from the FINAL DAYS PRIOR to ELECTION 2018 is…

   1.  47% of New York voters would endorse Andrew Cuomo for President, as a way of getting him out of the state.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” log on to  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.  While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016, 2017 and 2018 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com .

10.     All that radicalism, and in a schoolmarm suit.   Re-elect your beloved ​Cherokee Senator.

 9.      We’re pretty sure that ​most of ​the girls were of legal age.​ Re-elect Menendez.​

 8.      Let’s keep those accomplishments coming with Gillibrand….!

 7.    Today Venezuela, tomorrow the Bronx.   We need Alexandria! 

 6.    California ain’t finished yet.    Gavin Newsom has proven he’s up to that job.

 5.     Nothing says “Hoosier” like a liberal Democrat Senator!

 4.     Cuomo may be a bully, but he sure know​s​ his “pay-to-play.”

 3.     “And if elected, I will continue to fight Trump ​ every day.”

                                 -TV ad for Village ​Highway Commissioner in Assateague, Maryland

  2.      Vote for Beto.  He really believes his press clips.

…and the NUMBER ONE “FINAL ARGUMENT’ SLOGAN from POLITICAL TV ADS this year is…

  1.     No transgender governor has ever been convicted of bribery​ before.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit  www.gipperten.com  .     Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

10.     All that radicalism, and in a schoolmarm suit.   Re-elect your beloved ​Cherokee Senator.

 9.    We’re pretty sure that ​most of ​the girls were of legal age.​ Re-elect Menendez.​

 8.    Let’s keep those accomplishments coming with Gillibrand….!

 7.   Today Venezuela, tomorrow the Bronx.   We need Alexandria!

 6.    California ain’t finished yet.    Gavin Newsom has proven he’s up to that job.

  5.     Nothing says “Hoosier” like a liberal Democrat Senator!

  4.     Cuomo may be a bully, but he sure know​s​ his “pay-to-play.”

 3.     “And if elected, I will continue to fight Trump ​ every day.”

                                            – TV ad for Village ​Highway Commissioner in Assateague, Maryland

  2.      Vote for Beto.  He really believes his press clips.

…and the NUMBER ONE “FINAL ARGUMENT” SLOGAN from a  POLITICAL TV AD this YEAR is:

 1.   No transgender governor has ever been convicted of bribery​ before.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

10.   A transfer in to the baccalaureate program will be approved for the applicant with a two-year Associate’s degree from a community college…

                      …who has won a $1.6 billion lottery payout in the same calendar year.

  9.  The Asian-American applicant with a “superior likability quotient,” who also presents 1500 SAT scores and can dunk a basketball is likely to be admitted.

 8.    The applicant who attends “Harvard Day” tours for applicants while wearing a black Antifa mask will be accepted, once his/her identity can be confirmed.

 7.    Applicants named Rockefeller may find their applications will be viewed with approbation.

 6.    Individuals on the cusp of meeting admission requirements may choose to submit a 4,000 word essay on the topic “Why American is Racist but Harvard is not.”

 5.   Applicants who can document their presence at Hillary Clinton’s  2016 Election Night Soiree (sans Hillary) at New York’s Javits Convention Center will be accepted into the Kennedy School of Government.

 4.   Applicants may be judged on the basis of “Multidimensional excellence,” which naturally includes organizing anti- Second Amendment protests.

 3.   Being “of Harvard parentage” is a positive admissions factor, except for those named Gorsuch, Scalia and Bush.

 2.   “Race and ethnicity will never be used as a negative factor in assessing Harvard-worthiness.” 

 Now, if you’re brainy enough for Harvard, you know that impacting one group favorably never means impacting another negatively….   right?

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW ADMISSIONS CRITERION BEING CONSIDERED by HARVARD UNIVERSITY’S VICE PROVOST for STRATEGIC ENROLLMENT MANAGEMENT is…

 1.   “Wherever in life you may have started, and wherever your destination, there is a place for you at Harvard.”

(Actually from the university website’s “You Belong Here” exhortations.  Let’s all grab a no-carbon footprint vehicle and head straight for Cambridge!!)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” by scrolling back to 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

10.  Fifteen-year old William Howard Taft chased a female classmate up a hill for potentially prurient purposes…..   but ran out of breath.

 9.   No, Byron “Whizzer” White didn’t earn that nickname from athletics.

 8.   As a boy in Austria-Hungary, Felix Frankfurter offered a most audible Bronx cheer as Emperor Franz Josep​h​ passed in his carriage.

 7.  At a raucous keg party at Stanford Law School, an uninhibited Sandra Day O’Connor won the “wet black robes” contest.

 6.  Just how did Potter Stewart arrive at “I know pornography when I see it?”

 5.  ​Teenage John Marshall pranked Thomas Jefferson by paying a town crier to spread rumors about TJ and Sally Hemmings.

 4.  At Columbia Law in 1923, William O. Douglas became NYC’s first subway graffitto artist, when he scrawled “You have the right to remain silent” on the #1 train.

 3.  High above Cayuga’s waters in 1953, Ruth Bader Ginsburg blew kisses to the Cornell hockey team from the ice arena’s first row.

 2.  At one of the first moving picture theaters, 18 year old William Brennan appeared to be getting amorous with his date in the back row…  but it was too dark to be certain.

…and the NUMBER ONE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN YOUTHFUL INDISCRETION THAT COULD HAVE DERAILED PREVIOUS NOMINEES for the U. S. SUPREME COURT is:

 1.  At his 12th birthday party, young “Ollie” Wendell Holmes Jr. actually did yell ​“​fire​“​ in a crowded theater.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.    While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

(Correction: in last week’s Top Ten, the #1 headline “we are not likely to see in the New York Times this month” was:  “FAILURE TO PROVIDE CORROBORATION BY DR. JONES ENABLES JUDGE KAVANAUGH TO MOUNT PERSUASIVE REBUTTAL.”                                                                                                   Of course, “Dr. Jones” was incorrect.   I meant to write “Dr. Blasey Ford.”)

TOP TEN QUESTIONS in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES:

10.   Have you ever consumed an excessive amount of alcohol?

  9.    Have you ever consumed ANY amount of Night Train, Bali Hai, Apple Wine, Malt Liquor or Tango?

                                       (Investigator:  If nominee responds “YES,” disqualify candidate immediately.)

  8.  During your high school and college studies, have you ever relied on “Cliffs’ Notes,” or other prepared summaries of your assigned readings or other classwork?

  7.    Did you ever rely on such sources for that truly dull keynote address at a political or bar association convention?

  6.    Have you ever expressed support or sympathy for an “originalist” view of the US Constitution?

                                      (Investigator: you may now disqualify nominee OR…    recommend re-education camp.)

  5.    What have you done personally to eradicate income inequality? 

                                     (Investigator:  Merely voting for liberal redistribution programs will do.)

 4.      Whom do you admire most, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Robert Mugabe or Elizabeth Warren?

  3.     If you were flying in a doomed aircraft with Speaker Paul Ryan and Venezuelan Commandante Maduro , but found only 2 parachutes, what would you do?

  2.    Have you ever consumed illegal controlled substances?   Did you at least share your bounty with your degenerate stoner friends in that room?

       (Investigator:   Relax. Apparently, there is no “wrong” answer to this one.)

…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES is:

  1.    Thinking about the gender(s) to which you have been attracted, have you ever expressed, vocally or in writing, an interest in a person from that category (/those categories)?   Please elaborate, under penalty of perjury, in reverse chronology, back to age 10.

                   (Investigator:  If candidate responds “NO,” you have the perfect nominee!)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.    To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

10.   BOOMING ECONOMY ALLOWS PRESIDENT TO ADDRESS U. N. DELEGATES FROM POSITION OF STRENGTH

 9.   DOGGED BY MULTIPLE CORRUPTION SCANDALS, GOVERNOR CUOMO MUDDLES ON

 8.   LEGAL SCHOLARS POINT TO AN EMERGING CONSTITUTIONAL MAJORITY ON COURT, DISCOURAGING PROGRESSIVE JUDICIAL ADVENTURISM

 7.   STUDY POINTS TO INCREASED VIOLENCE IN STATES WITH MORE RESTRICTIVE FIREARMS POLICIES

 6.   COLDER WEATHER FOUND TO BE IMMATERIAL IN EXODUS FROM NEW YORK AND OTHER HIGH TAX STATES

 5.  CONSENSUS ON HIS  FAILURES AS SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR PROVING NO LIABILITY AS EXTREMIST GAVIN NEWSOM LEADS IN CAMPAIGN FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR

 4.  DOJ OFFICIALS PROVIDE NO EXPLANATION FOR STONEWALLING CONGRESS ON REQUESTED COMMUNICATIONS AND OTHER MATERIALS

 3.   VENEZUELAN LEADERS, DESPITE GROWING SCARCITIES AND WEEKLY RIOTS, PRESS FOR ECONOMIC POLICIES URGED BY  U.S. SENATORS SANDERS AND WARREN

 2.  DeBLASIO E-MAILS OBTAINED THROUGH FREEDOM OF INFORMATION SUIT PAINT PICTURE OF ARROGANT, ISOLATED MAYOR OF NEW YORK

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE ARE UNLIKELY TO READ in the NEW YORK TIMES THIS MONTH is:

 1.  FAILURE TO PROVIDE CORROBORATION BY DR. JONES ENABLES JUDGE KAVANAUGH TO MOUNT PERSUASIVE REBUTTAL

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on this site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

 9.  ​On a dare at the beach, he p​aid for a henna tattoo of James Madison on his left shoulder.

 Can you guess which courses below are actually being offered this autumn….   and which were invented by your humble editor?   Answers at bottom.

10 .  Are Elections Really Necessary for True Progressives?   The stellar progressive examples of Fidel, Maduro, Erdogan, Ortega , Mugabe, Zuma and others will be discussed.

 9.  Who Needs Mathematics?   Course will explore how math extremists use arithmetic calculations to warn about deficits and prevent “the people” from spending on human needs.

 8.  Dating in a Post-Gender World.   As human interaction becomes less necessary for reproduction, each person can be liberated from patriarchal, confining, pre-determined roles.

 7.   Queering the Bible 

 6.  Vampires: Evolution Of A Sexy Monster    

 5.  Saints, Witches, and Madwomen

 4.  Race, Gender, Sexuality and U.S. Culture in Video Games 

 3.  First World Safe Spaces for 24/7 Mourning the Defeats of Hillary, Bernie and Robert Mugabe

 2.  Rednecks, Queers, and Country Music

…and the NUMBER ONE “ALTERNATIVE” COLLEGE COURSE OFFERED in FALL SEMESTER 2018 is:

 1.  Cannibalism: A workable substitute for Animal Products.  Course will survey this Eco-Friendly alternative from Cro-Magnon times to today’s working communes.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit   www.gipperten.com   .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit,   Enjoy!

Course # 7 is actually being offered at Swarthmore.

Course # 6 is a credit course at the University of Kentucky.

Course # 5 comes to us courtesy of the University of Nebraska.

Course #4 is in the University of Michigan course catalogue.

And course #2 is also a real course at the University of Michigan.

Courses # 10, 9, 8, 3 and 1 were created by yours truly.

Special thanks to Casey Dickinson, Michael Jones and Emilio Avelar, along with our friends at Young America’s Foundation, for providing the frightening but actual courses being offered at US colleges and universities this year.