10. Was about to say “groovy” in class, but thought better of it.
9. On a dare at the beach, he paid for a henna tattoo of James Madison on his left shoulder.
9. On a dare at the beach, he paid for a henna tattoo of James Madison on his left shoulder.
Can you guess which courses below are actually being offered this autumn…. and which were invented by your humble editor? Answers at bottom.
10 . Are Elections Really Necessary for True Progressives? The stellar progressive examples of Fidel, Maduro, Erdogan, Ortega , Mugabe, Zuma and others will be discussed.
9. Who Needs Mathematics? Course will explore how math extremists use arithmetic calculations to warn about deficits and prevent “the people” from spending on human needs.
8. Dating in a Post-Gender World. As human interaction becomes less necessary for reproduction, each person can be liberated from patriarchal, confining, pre-determined roles.
7. Queering the Bible
6. Vampires: Evolution Of A Sexy Monster
5. Saints, Witches, and Madwomen
4. Race, Gender, Sexuality and U.S. Culture in Video Games
3. First World Safe Spaces for 24/7 Mourning the Defeats of Hillary, Bernie and Robert Mugabe
2. Rednecks, Queers, and Country Music
…and the NUMBER ONE “ALTERNATIVE” COLLEGE COURSE OFFERED in FALL SEMESTER 2018 is:
1. Cannibalism: A workable substitute for Animal Products. Course will survey this Eco-Friendly alternative from Cro-Magnon times to today’s working communes.
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Course # 7 is actually being offered at Swarthmore.
Course # 6 is a credit course at the University of Kentucky.
Course # 5 comes to us courtesy of the University of Nebraska.
Course #4 is in the University of Michigan course catalogue.
And course #2 is also a real course at the University of Michigan.
Courses # 10, 9, 8, 3 and 1 were created by yours truly.
Special thanks to Casey Dickinson, Michael Jones and Emilio Avelar, along with our friends at Young America’s Foundation, for providing the frightening but actual courses being offered at US colleges and universities this year.
10. So, again, are all presidents above the law?
9. If there’s an individual right to bear arms, how come there’s no “right” to all the free stuff I’ve been proposing?
8. If you’re Spartacus, I’m W. C. Fields!
7. So the U.S. Government can just stop people at the border?
6. While working for George W. Bush, what was your personal favorite form of torture?
5. During the lunch break, let’s order in from “Penumbra.”
4. Have you ever worn white robes, for any reason?
3. How is Federalist 69 relevant to my re-election?
2. So you attend the same church as Chief Justice Roberts. Isn’t that a clear conflict of interest?
…and the NUMBER ONE UNSPOKEN COMMENT DURING the SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITEE HEARING on JUDGE BRETT KAVANAUGH is…
1. Here’s another Spartacus moment: I move to re-consider Judge Merrick Garland !
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10. If you plan to visit as a tourist, the Lake will still be there.
9. Bring a pistol to protect yourself, go to jail. Don’t you feel safer already?
8. The Blues Brothers were real.
7. Fewer shootings today than during that St. Valentine’s Day massacre.
6. Don’t be afraid! Snipers have never used the Sears Tower.
5. Low interest mortgages now available to help pay your parking bill downtown.
4. Violent criminals can now access sensitivity counseling, 24/7.
3. Security? Try a luxury suite at Wrigley… but only for a day game.
2. Chicago’s not perfect, but that’s Trump’s fault.
…and the NUMBER ONE REASSURANCE about CHICAGO from MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL is:
1. Only a third of the city’s Aldermen have been convicted of corruption.
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10. Rural Wisconsin could use a well run subway system, like mine.
9. We “progressives” can make Janesville as safe as Chicago!
8. Vote for Bryce, then join my nostalgic return trip to wonderful Cuba.
7. Kenosha, Wisconsin really needs a local income tax.
6. America could use another 18-month marathon of impeachment hearings and charges.
5. Voters of Racine! If we sent you 20, 000 homeless adults, how quickly could they vote here?
4. Nancy Pelosi for Speaker, Maxine Waters for Chair of the Financial Services Committee, and Jerrold Nadler for Chair of the Judiciary Committee! Our dreams can come true!
3. Ignore Venezuela! Our version of socialism will guarantee rations of toilet paper!
2. Nobody here in Rock County “needs” a gun…. …or do you? Right? Agreed?
…and the NUMBER ONE TALKING POINT for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO in CAMPAIGNING for ‘PROGRESSIVE” WISCONSIN CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE RANDY BRYCE is:
1. Don’t spend your income tax cut just yet! Randy Bryce might win.
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Genius Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano claims that the presence of a Green Party candidate in the race won by Republican Troy Balderson is “evidence” that there was Russian meddling in this week’s special election in Ohio’s 12th district!! (Seriously!).
Here are the Top Ten sure-fire tip-offs that prove the Russians meddled in the election:
10. To you, Green Party candidate “Joe Manchik” sounds like Senator “Joe Manchin.” To Alyssa, that sounds Russian.
9. In reporting on the Ohio Governor’s endorsement of Troy Balderson, CNN swears that John Kasich ignored summer temps and wore a mink Cossack hat.
8. When was the last time that a conspiracy alleged by a Hollywood star didn’t turn out to be true?
7. To thank campaign volunteers, MSNBC claims that Balderson favored take-out borscht and caviar over traditional choice of pizza.
6. Ohio progressives don’t believe Balderson is just a fan of “The Americans” when he uses terms like “Rezidentura.”
5. Campaign checks totaling $95 arrived in GOP headquarters from Moscow, Idaho, St. Petersburg, Florida and Russian River, California.
4. President Trump endorsed him, didn’t he? Isn’t that part of all this collusion the TV tells me about?
3. Green Party candidate vacationed at the Soshi Winter Olympics.
2. TV anchorman providing primary night results looks an awful lot like Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURE-FIRE TIP-OFF THAT RUSSIANS MEDDLED in that SPECIAL ELECTION in OHIO’S 12th CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT is:
1. Columbus Dispatch political reporter wrote that Democrat Danny O’Connor was playing “Russian Roulette” by opposing popular tax cuts.
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10. A $15,000 ostrich jacket is one thing….. but oh, that ostrich underwear !
9. Yes, he paid $180,000 for that Mercedes. But drives a 1976 AMC Pacer to his “K” Street meetings.
8. Seen ordering a fillet-o-fish at McDonald’s, after first asking for the sommelier.
7. That pro-Russian government in Ukraine paid his $60 million in consulting fees partly in Stolichnaya.
6. Never given credit for being the mastermind behind John Connelly’s 1980 campaign.
5. Finally, last year, he vacated his D. C. Housing Authority apartment.
4. Invests his foreign payments in the high-yielding “Fugitive Oligarchs Fund.”
3. That $21,000 “Royal Way” watch? Offers current readings in all seven Russian time zones.
2. Guinness Book of World Records confirms he is only known individual to wear a clip-on tie with a $900 shirt.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING UNREPORTED FACT about PAUL MANAFORT is:
1. While awaiting trial, he pays for concierge services and deliveries of Trump steaks in prison.
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10. This man had a romantic dalliance in 1998!
9. New York Times editorialists are threatening self-immolation.
8. “Immigrants” now being questioned at our southern border!
7. President could have introduced us to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, at least.
6. Tax cuts assisted my smug neighbor with the Range Rover and hot tub.
5. If he says “Crooked Hillary” one more time…
4. Of those 4 million new jobs, none are located in “Safe Spaces.”
3. Those Trump steaks were a bit chewy…
2. As predicted, the economy is in shambles ! (Er, what was that quarterly growth number, again?)
…and the NUMBER ONE STRONGEST REASON for IMPEACHMENT in 2018 is….
1. He just won’t admit to collusion!
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10. Official sample ballot pamphlets mailed to voters in 16 states feature all candidate photos posed on horseback, shirtless (no gender discrimination).
9. Anonymous flier invites you to “Attend Our Rally, Take Home Free Stolichnaya.”
8. Even liberal / progressives now embrace Russia’s flat 13% national income tax rate.
7. Top issue in Missouri’s 21st Congressional district: “Let’s keep Crimea Russian.”
6. Along with your expected Star-Ledger and Penny Saver, “Pravda” now delivered to your lawn.
5. New sponsor welcomed on the Jumbotron at the Great American Ballpark: “Gazprom.”
4. Russian Television (RT) now occupies Channels 4 and 5 on your cable system.
3. US Senate candidate arrives at your local airport in chartered Aeroflot jet.
2. This year, most of your new “Facebook” friends are named “Sergei” or “Svetlana.”
…and the NUMBER ONE SURE-FIRE WAY to TELL if RUSSIANS are MEDDLING in the 2018 U.S. ELECTIONS is:
1. In November, Democrats sweep to victory in House elections!
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To subscribe for free, please visit www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and “submit.” Enjoy!