Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.  Fifteen-year old William Howard Taft chased a female classmate up a hill for potentially prurient purposes…..   but ran out of breath.

 9.   No, Byron “Whizzer” White didn’t earn that nickname from athletics.

 8.   As a boy in Austria-Hungary, Felix Frankfurter offered a most audible Bronx cheer as Emperor Franz Josep​h​ passed in his carriage.

 7.  At a raucous keg party at Stanford Law School, an uninhibited Sandra Day O’Connor won the “wet black robes” contest.

 6.  Just how did Potter Stewart arrive at “I know pornography when I see it?”

 5.  ​Teenage John Marshall pranked Thomas Jefferson by paying a town crier to spread rumors about TJ and Sally Hemmings.

 4.  At Columbia Law in 1923, William O. Douglas became NYC’s first subway graffitto artist, when he scrawled “You have the right to remain silent” on the #1 train.

 3.  High above Cayuga’s waters in 1953, Ruth Bader Ginsburg blew kisses to the Cornell hockey team from the ice arena’s first row.

 2.  At one of the first moving picture theaters, 18 year old William Brennan appeared to be getting amorous with his date in the back row…  but it was too dark to be certain.

…and the NUMBER ONE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN YOUTHFUL INDISCRETION THAT COULD HAVE DERAILED PREVIOUS NOMINEES for the U. S. SUPREME COURT is:

 1.  At his 12th birthday party, young “Ollie” Wendell Holmes Jr. actually did yell ​“​fire​“​ in a crowded theater.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.    While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

(Correction: in last week’s Top Ten, the #1 headline “we are not likely to see in the New York Times this month” was:  “FAILURE TO PROVIDE CORROBORATION BY DR. JONES ENABLES JUDGE KAVANAUGH TO MOUNT PERSUASIVE REBUTTAL.”                                                                                                   Of course, “Dr. Jones” was incorrect.   I meant to write “Dr. Blasey Ford.”)

TOP TEN QUESTIONS in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES:

10.   Have you ever consumed an excessive amount of alcohol?

  9.    Have you ever consumed ANY amount of Night Train, Bali Hai, Apple Wine, Malt Liquor or Tango?

                                       (Investigator:  If nominee responds “YES,” disqualify candidate immediately.)

  8.  During your high school and college studies, have you ever relied on “Cliffs’ Notes,” or other prepared summaries of your assigned readings or other classwork?

  7.    Did you ever rely on such sources for that truly dull keynote address at a political or bar association convention?

  6.    Have you ever expressed support or sympathy for an “originalist” view of the US Constitution?

                                      (Investigator: you may now disqualify nominee OR…    recommend re-education camp.)

  5.    What have you done personally to eradicate income inequality? 

                                     (Investigator:  Merely voting for liberal redistribution programs will do.)

 4.      Whom do you admire most, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Robert Mugabe or Elizabeth Warren?

  3.     If you were flying in a doomed aircraft with Speaker Paul Ryan and Venezuelan Commandante Maduro , but found only 2 parachutes, what would you do?

  2.    Have you ever consumed illegal controlled substances?   Did you at least share your bounty with your degenerate stoner friends in that room?

       (Investigator:   Relax. Apparently, there is no “wrong” answer to this one.)

…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES is:

  1.    Thinking about the gender(s) to which you have been attracted, have you ever expressed, vocally or in writing, an interest in a person from that category (/those categories)?   Please elaborate, under penalty of perjury, in reverse chronology, back to age 10.

                   (Investigator:  If candidate responds “NO,” you have the perfect nominee!)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.    To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

10.   BOOMING ECONOMY ALLOWS PRESIDENT TO ADDRESS U. N. DELEGATES FROM POSITION OF STRENGTH

 9.   DOGGED BY MULTIPLE CORRUPTION SCANDALS, GOVERNOR CUOMO MUDDLES ON

 8.   LEGAL SCHOLARS POINT TO AN EMERGING CONSTITUTIONAL MAJORITY ON COURT, DISCOURAGING PROGRESSIVE JUDICIAL ADVENTURISM

 7.   STUDY POINTS TO INCREASED VIOLENCE IN STATES WITH MORE RESTRICTIVE FIREARMS POLICIES

 6.   COLDER WEATHER FOUND TO BE IMMATERIAL IN EXODUS FROM NEW YORK AND OTHER HIGH TAX STATES

 5.  CONSENSUS ON HIS  FAILURES AS SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR PROVING NO LIABILITY AS EXTREMIST GAVIN NEWSOM LEADS IN CAMPAIGN FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR

 4.  DOJ OFFICIALS PROVIDE NO EXPLANATION FOR STONEWALLING CONGRESS ON REQUESTED COMMUNICATIONS AND OTHER MATERIALS

 3.   VENEZUELAN LEADERS, DESPITE GROWING SCARCITIES AND WEEKLY RIOTS, PRESS FOR ECONOMIC POLICIES URGED BY  U.S. SENATORS SANDERS AND WARREN

 2.  DeBLASIO E-MAILS OBTAINED THROUGH FREEDOM OF INFORMATION SUIT PAINT PICTURE OF ARROGANT, ISOLATED MAYOR OF NEW YORK

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE ARE UNLIKELY TO READ in the NEW YORK TIMES THIS MONTH is:

 1.  FAILURE TO PROVIDE CORROBORATION BY DR. JONES ENABLES JUDGE KAVANAUGH TO MOUNT PERSUASIVE REBUTTAL

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on this site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016, 2017 and 2018.   Enjoy!

 9.  ​On a dare at the beach, he p​aid for a henna tattoo of James Madison on his left shoulder.

 Can you guess which courses below are actually being offered this autumn….   and which were invented by your humble editor?   Answers at bottom.

10 .  Are Elections Really Necessary for True Progressives?   The stellar progressive examples of Fidel, Maduro, Erdogan, Ortega , Mugabe, Zuma and others will be discussed.

 9.  Who Needs Mathematics?   Course will explore how math extremists use arithmetic calculations to warn about deficits and prevent “the people” from spending on human needs.

 8.  Dating in a Post-Gender World.   As human interaction becomes less necessary for reproduction, each person can be liberated from patriarchal, confining, pre-determined roles.

 7.   Queering the Bible 

 6.  Vampires: Evolution Of A Sexy Monster    

 5.  Saints, Witches, and Madwomen

 4.  Race, Gender, Sexuality and U.S. Culture in Video Games 

 3.  First World Safe Spaces for 24/7 Mourning the Defeats of Hillary, Bernie and Robert Mugabe

 2.  Rednecks, Queers, and Country Music

…and the NUMBER ONE “ALTERNATIVE” COLLEGE COURSE OFFERED in FALL SEMESTER 2018 is:

 1.  Cannibalism: A workable substitute for Animal Products.  Course will survey this Eco-Friendly alternative from Cro-Magnon times to today’s working communes.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” please visit   www.gipperten.com   .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit,   Enjoy!

Course # 7 is actually being offered at Swarthmore.

Course # 6 is a credit course at the University of Kentucky.

Course # 5 comes to us courtesy of the University of Nebraska.

Course #4 is in the University of Michigan course catalogue.

And course #2 is also a real course at the University of Michigan.

Courses # 10, 9, 8, 3 and 1 were created by yours truly.

Special thanks to Casey Dickinson, Michael Jones and Emilio Avelar, along with our friends at Young America’s Foundation, for providing the frightening but actual courses being offered at US colleges and universities this year.

10.   So, again, ​are all presidents  above the law?

 9.  ​If there’s an individual right to bear arms, how come there’s no “right” to all the free stuff I’ve been proposing?

 8.    If you’re Spartacus, I’m W. C. Fields!

 7.     So the U.S. Government can just stop people at the border?

 6.    While working for George W. Bush, what was your personal favorite form of torture?

 5.   During the lunch break, let’s order in from “Penumbra.”

 4.    Have you ever worn white robes, for any reason?

 3.    How is Federalist 69 relevant to my re-election?

 2.  ​ So you attend the same church as Chief Justice Roberts.   Isn’t that a clear conflict of interest?

…and the NUMBER ONE UNSPOKEN COMMENT DURING the SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITEE HEARING on JUDGE BRETT KAVANAUGH is…

 1.   Here’s another Spartacus moment:  I move to re-consider Judge Merrick Garland !

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free to the “Top Ten,” log on to  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   Enjoy!

 10.   If you plan to visit as a tourist, the Lake will still be there.

  9.    ​B​ring a pistol to protect yourself, go to jail.   Don’t you feel safer already?

​  8.  The Blues Brothers were real.​

  7.  ​F​ewer shootings ​today​ than during th​at ​St. Valentine’s Day massacre.

  6.    ​Don’t be afraid!  Snipers have never used the Sears Tower.​

  5.    Low interest mortgages now available to help pay your parking bill downtown.

  4.   Violent criminals can now access sensitivity counseling, 24/7.

  3.   ​Security?   Try a luxury suite at Wrigley…  but only for a day game.

  2.   Chicago’s not perfect, but that’s Trump’s fault.

…and the NUMBER ONE REASSURANCE about CHICAGO from MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL is:

  1.  Only a third of the city’s Aldermen have been convicted of corruption.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.  To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .

Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes, and submit.   Enjoy!

10.  Rural Wisconsin could use a well run subway system, like mine.

  9.   We “progressives” can make Janesville as safe as Chicago!

  8.    Vote for Bryce, then join my nostalgic return trip to wonderful Cuba.

  7.    Kenosha, Wisconsin really needs a local income tax.

   6.    America could use another 18-month marathon of impeachment hearings and charges.

  5.   Voters of Racine!   If we sent you 20, 000 homeless adults, how quickly could they vote here?

  4.    Nancy Pelosi for Speaker, Maxine Waters for Chair of the Financial Services Committee,   and Jerrold Nadler for Chair of the Judiciary Committee!  Our dreams              can come true!

  3.    Ignore Venezuela!   Our version of socialism will guarantee rations of toilet paper!

  2.    Nobody here in Rock County “needs” a gun….      …or do you?  Right?      Agreed?

…and the NUMBER ONE TALKING POINT for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO in CAMPAIGNING for ‘PROGRESSIVE” WISCONSIN CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE RANDY BRYCE is:

  1.    Don’t spend your income tax cut just yet!   Randy Bryce might win.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.   To subscribe for free, visit  www.gipperten.com .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   Enjoy!

Genius Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano claims that the presence of a Green Party candidate in the race won by Republican Troy Balderson is “evidence” that there was Russian meddling in this week’s special election in Ohio’s 12th district!!   (Seriously!).

Here are the Top Ten sure-fire tip-offs that prove the Russians meddled in the election:

10.   To you, Green Party candidate “Joe Manchik” sounds like Senator “Joe Manchin.”   To Alyssa, that sounds Russian.

 9.   In reporting on the Ohio Governor’s endorsement of Troy Balderson, CNN swears that John Kasich ignored summer temps and wore a mink Cossack hat.

 8.   When was the last time that a conspiracy alleged by a Hollywood star didn’t turn out to be true?

 7.  To thank campaign volunteers, MSNBC claims that Balderson favored take-out borscht and caviar over traditional choice of pizza.

 6.   Ohio progressives don’t believe Balderson is just a fan of “The Americans” when he uses terms like “Rezidentura.”

 5.    Campaign checks totaling $95 arrived in GOP headquarters from Moscow, Idaho, St. Petersburg, Florida and Russian River, California.

 4.   President Trump endorsed him, didn’t he?   Isn’t that part of all this collusion the TV tells me about?

 3.   Green Party candidate vacationed at the Soshi Winter Olympics.

 2.   TV anchorman providing primary night results looks an awful lot like Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURE-FIRE TIP-OFF THAT RUSSIANS MEDDLED in that SPECIAL ELECTION in OHIO’S 12th CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT is:

 1.  Columbus Dispatch political reporter wrote that Democrat Danny O’Connor was playing “Russian Roulette” by opposing popular tax cuts.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news.    To subscribe to the “Top Ten” list for free, please log on to  www.gipperten.com  .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   Enjoy!