Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.  You noticed that Barack Obama was sounding off on climate change and rising seas, but he bought a huge mansion right on Martha’s Vineyard’s lovely waterfront.

 9. You wonder:  “can anyone go in and vote without proof of I.D.?”

 8.   You read that Mrs. deBlasio spent well over $1 billion on her mental health initiative.  ​For that much money, all the mentally ill ​must be​ off the streets​, correct?

 7.   If you drive into Manhattan, City Council members call you “rich.”     Now you must be taxed and tolled $20 extra for each trip in and out.

 6.  Governor Cuomo forced you to spend hundreds on ​his smaller clip for your ​pistol.    That really solved mass shootings.

5.   Your Mayor “asks” you to “contribute” 2% more of your income, but the budget never seems to truly balance.

 4.  You weren’t able “to keep your doctor.”

 3.   Senator Warren’s new “Wealth Tax” idea is on top of all the other taxes?

​ 2. You thought “choice” was about better schools.   No, it’s about the “right” to late term abortions.​

…and the NUMBER ONE TIP-OFF THAT YOU MAY be LEANING REPUBLICAN is…

 1.  If your life depended on it, you couldn’t name more than seven genders.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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​10.  You are mayor of a city in Indiana or New York.

 9. Voters back home in Minnesota still favor Al Franken over you.

 8. You were remembered mostly for resembling that singer in “Abba.” (Gillibrand) 

 7. “YES!”  (At the debate, you raised your hand to support free health care for illegals​.​ We have the photo.)

 6.  You claimed Native American heritage to ​enter academia, then got paid over $​4​00K NOT to teach at Harvard.

 5.  Your twin brother isn’t running, but is polling ahead of you for president.

 4.  ​Even after your great cardiac care on the campaign trail, ​you still favor Venezuelan-style health “reforms.”

 3.  People remember that you were THAT mayor of Newark. (Booker)

 2.  Voters can only identify “skateboarding” as your primary skill. (O’Rourke and Yang)

…and the NUMBER ONE INDICATOR that you are NOT LIKELY to BECOME PRESIDENT in 2020 is:

1. Even if your son’s name is “Hunter,” that won’t really cut it with gun owners. Or Ukrainian-Americans.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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This week’s “Top Ten” is not funny. It is truthful and sad.

10. Delay and block all efforts by patriotic organizations to obtain 501(c)3 tax exempt status for which they are qualified.  Don’t prosecute or terminate anyone involved.   Guarantee Federal pensions for perpetrators who retire.

9. Release $150 billion to the world’s #1 sponsor of terrorism, concealing your connections to that regime.  Then claim “we got a good deal.”

8. Bring your ne’er-do-well son on your official VP trips to Ukraine and China, then watch him reap riches Marco Polo could only imagine.

7. Bleach and destroy 30,000 government-owned e-mails, even after they were subpoenaed.

​ 6. Use taxpayer dollars to send weapons to Mexican drug gangs, leading to the deaths of Federal agents and citizens.    Then, stonewall efforts by the Congress to investigate the operation, leading to the first “Contempt of Congress”​ majority vote for a sitting Attorney General.

5.  Bully an ally’s government into firing their attorney general who is investigating your son’s company, then release $1 billion in aid​ to that government​.

4. Pay millions for an entirely fabricated “dossier” from a hostile power, snarling Washington with two years of tail-chasing investigations.

3.   Seek votes for president by calling for the impeachment of a US Supreme Court Justice, even after you realize the charges against him are bogus.

  2. Make foreign policy decisions as Secretary of State, then see millions pour in to your personal foundation and your husband’s speaking-for-pay career from nations that you favored.

…and the NUMBER ONE ACTIVITY THAT DOESN’T SEEM to RISE to the STANDARD of “HIGH CRIMES and MISDEMEANORS” is…

1.  Prosecute & eavesdrop on more journalists than all other presidents combined, then claim our current president is a threat to press freedom.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau searches for an Al Jolson Film Festival  (French subtitles preferred).

 9. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un switches to Mets t-shirt, blends in on the #7 Flushing line subway.

 8.  British PM Boris Johnson heads to Washington Heights for a buzz cut with “Brexit” shaved into his head.

 7.  French President Emmanuel Macron dons his predecessor’s motorcycle helmet to avoid recognition on his ride to Trump Tower to discuss ​future ​career ​possibilities.

 6.  The UN’s Secretary-General, Antonio Guterres, makes executive decision and firmly declares the drone bombing of major oil refineries “could possibly be an infraction.”

 5.  Greenland Premier Kim Kielsen shares blubber tacos with President Trump, asks if statehood could mean a “free” subway system for his island.

 4.   German Chancellor Angela Merkel buys up the 8 remaining copies of that “Time” magazine anointing her as the 2015 “Person of the Year”  (That was the PRE-migrant crisis year…).

 3.  Mayor Bill deBlasio hosts breakfast for dictators of Cuba, Nicaragua and Venezuela, asking for tips on making NYC more “progressive.”

 2.   Al Gore, Mark Ruffalo and Leonardo diCaprio fly in synchronized (but separate, of course) private jets to arrive on time for the plenary session on “What ordinary folks can do to fight climate change.”

…and the NUMBER ONE NYC “BUCKET LIST” ACTIVITY DURING UNITED NATIONAL GENERAL ASSEMBLY WEEK is…

1.Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khameini files to renew his NYC Taxi Driver’s “hack” license….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. More Marxists on that stage in Houston than in any vodka party in Soshi.

9. Julian Castro ​: what does he ​know ​from ​ borscht ​?

8. No, your “congestion pricing” is just too communist for Moscow.

7. If Elizabeth Warren gets her new tax on wealthy, how many Americanskis will move here for the 13% flat tax?

6. When CNN quotes a CNN source, who relied on another CNN source, is not like Izvestia quoting Pravda?

5. Retire in Style: “Leisure Village – Siberia”–condos still available.    Best of all, Lake Baikal region means no Cuomo-deBlasio taxes!

4. You could elect Bernie Sanders…., or just see that future on your exciting Venezuela ​vacation.

3.   Have your case of Stoli delivered, get your own free bonus copy of the phony Steele Dossier.

2. We have secret Trump tape!  (He was eating cheeseburger in St. Petersburg)….

…and the NUMBER ONE RUSSIAN POST in AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA THIS WEEK is….

1.If Russian man flaps arms like your “Beto,” we help him right away in Murmansk mental hospital.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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Last week, conservative Tucker Carlson and leftist Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed on the potential for dramatic job losses due to robotics and other forms of automation and artificial intelligence.  The most likely occupations to be threatened are those with predictable work processes and near-certain, foreseeable job results.   Hence, this list.

10. “Climatologist​,​“​ as​ ​anointed by​ Al Gore​, AOC and Beto O’Rourke​

9. Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee (this human job could be saved by 2021)

8. Madonna

7. Leonardo diCaprio’s private jet ​captain​ (auto-pilot always set toward the next Global Warming Conference)

6. Al Sharpton

5. General Secretary of the United Nations

4. MSNBC host

3. Majorities in the San Francisco and New York City Councils…

2. Keith Olbermann

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING JOB THAT COULD BE LOST DUE to ROBOTICS and AUTOMATION is….

1. New York Times editor

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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Eight of these courses are actually being offered at major U.S. universities.    Two are bogus.   Can you guess which are which? (Answers follow the Top Ten list:)

10.  Eco/ Queer/ Feminist Art Practices
  9.  Lenin, Castro and Manson —  Misunderstood Populists?
  8.  The Rights and Wrongs of Killing People
  7.  Unsettling Whiteness
  6.  Zombies: The Anthropology of the Undead
  5. Senior Seminar:  The Drag of Black Masculinity
  4. Queering the History of Emotions
  3. Queer Theory and the Bible
  2.  Can There be Too Many Genders?  An analysis of the 100 most popular choices.
…and the NUMBER ONE POLITICALLY CORRECT COLLEGE COURSE BEING OFFERED THIS FALL is:

  1. Geographies of the Sexiness: Dance and Politics of (Dis)Respectability Across the Americas

ANSWERS: 10. Actual course offered at University of Michigan 9. Fake — created by your humble editor. 8. Offered at the University of Maryland. 7. Offered at Northwestern University. 6.Offered at Ohio State University. 5.   Offered at Williams College. 4. Offered at Swarthmore College. 3. Offered at Pomona College. 2.  Fake — created by your humble editor. 1.  Offered at Bowdoin College.

THANKS GO TO YOUNG AMERICA’S FOUNDATION (Reston, VA) for PROVIDING THESE and COUNTLESS MORE RIDICULOUS COURSES NOW OFFERED AT AMERICAN COLLEGES & UNIVERSITIES…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. Quick!  Buy “Air Greenland” stock this morning!

9. Leading candidate for governor of the great new State of Greenland campaigns on slogan: “Og, hvis valgt, jeg lover at holde disse forfærdelige Cuomo  “trængsel prissætning ” vejafgifter ud af Grønland .”    (And, if elected, I promise to keep those horrible Cuomo ‘congestion pricing’ tolls out of Greenland!”)

​ 8. Save tax dollars by copying state flag of California, but photo-shop polar bear on to it.​

7. Pizza Hut to roll out tasty “blubber” toppings nation-wide.

6. Just imagine those red, American-made hats:  “Gor Gronland Godt Igen”  (“Make Greenland Great Again,” in Danish).

5.   “Miss USA” will no longer face swimsuit competition from “Miss Greenland.”

4. Your next NBA franchise:  The “Nuuk Musk Oxen”

3. Believe it or not, the homeless issue really recedes here in winter.

​ 2. Cheeky, newly-elected state legislators can re-name municipality of “Upernavik” ​as “Clothing Optional Dunes.”

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVANTAGE to GREENLAND BECOMING the 51st STATE is:

​ 1. Who doesn’t want their own piece of “The Igloos at Trump Fjords?”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

Eight of these 10 “gaffes” are accurate quotes. The other two were made up by your humble editor. Can you guess which two are fake?

10. “We choose truth over facts…”

9. “This is a big $%&@#$% deal!” (heard over open microphone at the White House Obamacare bill signing ceremony)

8. “It’s great to be back here in North Carolina.”  (during remarks in Danville, VA.)

7. “…Avoid planes, subways and classrooms.”   (comment while other officials discouraged overreaction during swine flu epidemic)

6. “This isn’t a real massage, honey.”  

5. “Why is it that Joe Biden is the first in his family ever to go to a university?”   (part of a speech plagiarized from British political extremist Neil Kinnock)

4. “Folks, I can tell you I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.”

3. “Believe me, Barack Obama has a big stick.”

2. “Tulsi, Tulsi…  If I was only 30 years younger.”

…and the NUMBER ONE GAFFE from a CERTAIN FORMER VICE PRESIDENT is:

1. “I mean, you get the first African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy.  I mean, that’s storybook, man.”

(Quotes #2 and #6 are completely fake. The rest were actually uttered by former VP Joe Biden).

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  So, you’re a “vegan,” Senator Booker?    I liked that Mr. Spock character too.

  9.   Sorry, Congresswoman Gabbard.   Ain’t no “lettuce on a stick” around here.

  8.  A huge cow made out of butter?   Back in San Francisco, we have a 20-foot rat made from marijuana joints.

  7.   No, I won’t eat meat.   But as your president, I would defend Lady Gaga’s right to wear it.

  6.   Senator Warren, does the Constitution really protect cannibalism?

  5.   I thought Pork Rinds played the fiddle for Rascal Flatts.

  4.   Maybe if I told you this steer died of natural causes…

   3. Governor Enslee, the most carbon-friendly meat is actually squirrel.  Boiled or grilled?

  2.   If your magic crystals can make this watercress taste like pulled pork, y’got my vote, Miss Williamson.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT MADE to a PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE at the MEAT-FRIENDLY IOWA STATE FAIR is:

  1.   Senator Sanders, the “Wing Ding” dinner isn’t named for the entrees, but for your crazy platform.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  If you win the nomination, can I be the Ying to your Yang?

 9.  No, this isn’t a sugar high.   I ​hop-scotch​ around El Paso like this​ all the time​.

 8. Suppose, just suppose…  instead of giving everybody cash, we gave ’em a grand’s worth of weed​ each month​…?

 7. No, I’m not the “chrystals” lady, I’m a US Senator.

6.   So your vacation White House would be in Newark?

​ 5. ​  So your winter White House would be in Minnesota?​ ​

 4.   ​​Would you support giving each ​“​undocumented​“​ person a​ free electric car​?   Show of hands, please.    

 3.   Please, please.  Just put this Indian headdress on just once, just for me….. 

2. OK, there was no Gillibrand singing in “Abba.”   Are you in the “tribute” band?

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AFTER or PRIOR to the DEMOCRAT DEBATES is:

1. With some hard work, you could be ready for prime time in 2024, Joe.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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Guess which 8 entries are from an actual dating site, and which 2 were created by your editor…

10.   31, gender unimportant. ​Hitchhike with me ​along Comrade Che’s South American motorcycle paths this fall.  Along the way, we will sleep under the stars ​and steal from plutocrats.

 9.  (He/they) baby anarchist, a tad religious, super queer, early 20s, Dumb brain w/ social anxiety impedes me from mtg people  the old fashioned way…..

 8.   38, he/him likes women.  Sometimes described as an eclectic mix of value form theory, autonomism, Maoism, and Star Trek.   Here to cook dinner or argue about social reproduction theory and Gritty.   Just trying to keep socialism weird.

 7.  23, black​&puertorican pan trans girl (she/her) socialist looking for something casual/non/monog.  Fairly reformist. w/ an appetite for the rich.  Love biking+dancing in pretty dresses.

 6.   26 he/him genderless, looking for she/her, they/them.  unaffiliated.  writes poetry.   grand ambitions (delusional). silly.

 5.   significantly left (maybe anarcho-syndicalist) cis hetero male, 23yo looking for fwp, something casual, convos, possibly somethin’ serious.  Interested in imperialism, feminist legal theses, Palestinian rights, food & movies.

 4.  28 trans-fem queer socialist satanist (she/her) seeking any/all genders for fun and book recommendations.  tell me queer county commune must-haves.  no cops, no chasers.

 3. 26 yr old cornbread communist. trans and queer gentlethem.  misandry-adjacent.  giallo-obsessed.  graphic designer, artist and occasional gaymer.  let’s cook dinner, build a fire, or go on a hike!!  into moral clarity, painterly distraction.

 2.   29, straight, autistic, n.b. acid convert, Music and literature, but nowadays mostly music.   Let’s jam and get rid of right to work laws together.

…and the NUMBER ONE AD GLEANED FROM a LEFT-OF-CENTER DATING SITE is:

1.  Atheist? Trotskyite?  Celibate?  Me too!

Which two entries were written by your editor?  Numbers 10 and 1.   All others actual ads are from a lefty dating site.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

(Whew! We had a 14-hour power and Internet outage, so we barely got this “Top Ten” to your inbox on time….)

10.  Why wait?  ​Call for the immediate abolition of the gasoline-powered engine. ​Hold your “press avail” at the​ Indianapolis 500​.​

 9.  Find and announce another five genders.

 8.  When comparing air-conditioned processing centers for illegals to Nazi death camps, be brave and do so at a gathering of Holocaust survivors.​

 7.   Try to reclaim a former stronghold of Democrat voters.   Hold your next “Green New Deal” news conference outside ​the Marshal County Coal Mine in West Virginia.

 6.  If your government health plan is enacted, tell us if Medicare will go bankrupt before Congresswoman Ocasio becomes eligible to run for president (2024).

 5.   Historically, ladies, how often does “democratic” socialism remain democratic?

 4.  ​ Kindly explain how criticism of ideas equals racism.

 3. Of course “the Squad” has ideas on dealing with the Strait of Hormuz, nukes in Korea, the South China Sea and eastern Ukraine.​  Back to-ya in a minute.

 2.  Prank Speaker Pelosi by wearing your Antifa masks on the floor of the House.

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY the FOUR RADICAL CONGRESSWOMEN can PROMOTE THEIR “PROGRESSIVE” AGENDA is:

1.  As soon as US Senator Mazie Hirono lands in Honolulu’s Daniel K. Inouye Airport, make good on your promise to shut down airplane travel.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. Is that anything nutritious on your head?

9. Hair?  That is so 2015.

8. As a matter of fact, I actually do keep a weapon up there.

7. I have found that my mohawk has assisted me in closing high-end sales.

6. Indeed, I have other similarities to Rasputin….

5. That message I shaved in to my skull says:   “GIVE ME THIS JOB.” Impressed?

4. I just prefer housepaint to shampoo…

3. My hairdresser says this is  “Friar Tuck light.”

2. Yes, others have also called me “aerodynamic.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WORKFORCE DISCUSSION POINT NOW THAT “HAIRSTYLE DISCRIMINATION” is to BE DISCOURAGED is:

1. And if you hire me, you’ll find that cell phone reception improves in the vicinity of my skull…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. Drivers’ licenses are one thing, but how how about free Priuses ?  (a worthy addendum to that ‘Green New Deal​!​’)

9. Oppose all efforts to build a border wall, which would unfairly exclude non-track & field athletes from immediate​ government benefits in the U.S.

8.   Cross the border, marry an American   (-but not the punitive, patriarchal kind of marriage so horribly typical ​in America​)​.

7.    Vote against any ​Congressional funding to create more facilities and hire ​needed​ staff for the border.

6.    Refer to all the migrants in a​n endless​ caravan of thousands as “refugees.”

5.   By all means, have a photo-op and ​a high-volume ​news conference , but never speak with​ actual​ Federal agents.

4.     Remember, this is all Trump’s fault.

3.   Free buses to El Paso, Tucson, Tempe and San Diego.   Sorry, only chilled food service available.​

2.  Sanctuary cities?  States?   We need a sanctuary nation, baby!

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY “PROGRESSIVES” ARE REALLY PROVING THEY WANT to END ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION is:

1.Have all current candidates for President support free ​care​ for illegals in America’s oppressive, inferior health care system. ​ ​ 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   Which is preferable to you :  President Trump’s strong sanctions against Russia, or Hillary Clinton’s sale of American uranium assets to Vladimir Putin?

9. When and where did you last hunt for your own food?

8. You have all been running for president for months now.   Who wants to admit that your city or state is operating better without you?  Show of hands, please.

7. How many illegal immigrants have you granted sanctuary to in your own house?

6. Senator Bernie Sanders doesn’t seem to comprehend the difference between “revenue” and “profit.”   Can any of you explain this to him?

5.  If it was wrong for past members of Congress to work with segregationist Senators….  what about anti-semitic extremists like Representatives Omar and Tlaib today?

4. Do you agree with Secretary Castro that transgender women require abortion rights?

3. If Presidents Harry S. Truman, John F. Kennedy or Lyndon B. Johnson were running for re-election today, would you or another “progressive” deserve support in opposing them?

2. You all agree that illegal aliens deserve free, unlimited health care at taxpayer expense.  What other “free stuff” do you propose for illegals?

…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED “LIGHTING ROUND” QUESTION for the NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE is:

1.  Most of your states have decriminalized marijuana possession.   Are you high at this very moment?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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​10. A CREEPY GUY for EVERY LADIES ROOM !!

  9.  N​OBODY WILL EVER HAVE to PAY for​ ALL THIS FREE STUFF I am PROMISING.

​                -Kamala 

 8.   “I’​LL do for the COUNTRY WHAT MY WIFE did for BURLINGTON COLLEGE!”

           (–Bernie Sanders’ wife drove the college in to bankruptcy.)

​ 7. MAKE AMERICA LIKE NEWARK!

              -former Newark Mayor Cory Booker

 6. MAYBE VENEZUELA ISN’T MY IDEAL MODEL….

              -Elizabeth Warren

 5.  AS SOUTH BEND GOES, SO GOES the NATION!

              – Mayor Pete Buttigieg​

 4.  REPARATIONS NATION, BABY!

               – Kirsten Gillibrand

 3.  FULL EMPLOYMENT is OVER-RATED

               – Joe Biden

  2.  WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE, 170,000 FLEEING NEW YORKERS….. or YOUR LYING EYES?”

               – Mayor Bill DeBlasio

… and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN to COUNTER “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” is:

1.  BUT ALTOGETHER, WE HAVE A COMBINED NAME RECOGNITION OF 11%…         -candidates Bennet, Bullock, Castro, Delaney, Gabbard, Gravel, Hickenlooper, Inslee, Klobuchar, Moulton, Messam, O’Rourke, Sestak and Swallwell

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “LA LA LAND”  ( Kamala Harris and the bizarre California culture that spawned her.)

 9.  “ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK II”  (Bill De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo co-star in an all-too-real drive to depopulate a great city)

 8.   “LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE” starring Congresswoman Ilhan Omar

 7.  “JURASSIC BIDEN:  The Resurrection”

 6. “12 YEARS a MODERATE”  (Presidential hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand explains her time representing a mostly rural Congressional district)

 5.  “CROUCHING SOCIALIST, HIDDEN STRONGMAN” (Bernie Sanders really believes that bigger government is the answer – to everything!)

 4.  “THE CHARGE of the REALLY, REALLY LIGHT BRIGADE”  (All 24 Democrat candidates for President are willing to fall for any scheme that inflates government and raises taxes.)

 3.   BARACK’S LABYRINTH  (The untold story of  real Americans struggling to navigate a hopelessly complex and unaffordable Obamacare).

 2.  ETERNAL SUNSHINE of the CLUELESS MIND  (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explains voting for bills prior to reading them…)

…and the NUMBER ONE SUMMER MOVIE RELEASE WE’D LIKE to SEE in JULY is…

1.THE NUTTY PROFESSOR   (The definitive Elizabeth Warren biopic…)

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10. THREE HUNDRED NORMANDY CIVILIANS KILLED IN SURPRISE U.S. ​RAIDS

9. LOOKING AHEAD TO ELECTION, PRESIDENT SEEKS TO BURNISH HIS “AMERICA FIRST” IMAGE​

8. WHY NORMANDY AND NOT BRITTANY? STRATEGISTS DEBATE.

7. SOME FEAR  THAT ATTACK COULD PROVOKE HITLER TO INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS

6. AFTERMATH OF LANDINGS AT UTAH AND OMAHA BEACHES REVEALS UNPRECEDENTED ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION

5. CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE QUESTIONS PRESIDENT’S LACK OF TRANSPARENCY IN PLANNING​ ​INCURSION ACROSS ENGLISH CHANNEL

4. SOME BELIEVE THAT SECRET MEETINGS WITH RUSSIAN MILITARY WARRANT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR

3. WASHINGTON POST OBTAINS DOCUMENTS THAT REVEAL EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALLIED SHIPS, AIRCRAFT AND TROOPS

2. IN PLANNING LAVATORIES FOR 156,000 TROOPS, TRANSGENDER ​ISSUE​S FALL ​BY​ THE WAYSIDE

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE if TODAY’S MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS COVERING the D-DAY LANDINGS is:

1.MUSSOLINI CRITICIZES D-DAY FOR PALPABLE IMPACT ON CLIMATE CHANGE

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(YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS AFTER THIS POST. SEE YOU SOON…)

10. “That rum-soaked Russkie!”

9.  “Yes, there is a secret American hotel video of Vladimir Putin.   And it’s from Branson, Missouri.”

8.  “True, there was no collusion between the President’s campaign and any Russian national or their agents.  But there was this pushy, annoying Canadian guy.”

7.  ‘That’s an irrelevant question, you pipsqueak!”

6.   “Of the $35 million you gave us to investigate the election, we spent $2.1 mil on obsolete FAX machines.    Hey, this IS our Federal government, y’know.”

5.   “No, YOU should resign, Senator!”

4.   “Let me answer you in the form of a limerick.”

3.   “M’am, you want me to trust the word of that certified boozehound?”

2.   “I know the President did not engage in obstruction of justice.    But sometimes he’s got this, like, ‘obstructive personality,’ y’know?”

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING COMMENT BOB MUELLER WILL USE in HIS TESTIMONY to the HOUSE & SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEES is…

1.   “Congressman, I can explain my answer again.   But I can’t comprehend it for you.”

REMINDER: “YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS. SEE YOU SOON.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. 6​5​,000 homeless ​can’t be wrong.

9.   $20 tolls for Every Downtown​ Driver​ in America!

 8. There is too much money in the “wrong hands.”  Now, ​fork it over.

7. ​  Foreign Policy Experience?  ​Bill​ knows Cuba and Nicaragua.

6.    ​People of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina:  You Need to Start Commuting by Subway.

5.    No, he is not Mayor Pete!

4.    As Crazy as Bernie, but Younger & Taller.

3.     ​We Can ​Make Washington the New Caracas.

2.    Open Borders and No Private Guns: Perfect Together!

…and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN for the NASCENT “BILL DeBLASIO for PRESIDENT” CAMPAIGN is….

1. Imagine White House State Dinners with American WEED, not Wine.​

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10. When meeting with Anita Hill to express regret, offer a teasingly slow shoulder massage.

9. Admit it, Joe.  Admit that growing up in Scranton gave you undeserved privilege.

8. Make really sure you only accept cash donations from Harvey Weinstein.

7.  Try to work in the words “woke,” “me too,” and “multi-gendered” in to every speech, but not all in the same sentence.

6.   There is no need to call Mayor Pete a “whippersnapper,” not yet.

5.  During the Democratic primary debates, resist sniffing Bernie’s hair or rubbing noses with Kamala.

4.  When firing that shotgun off from your back porch, always be sure to yell: “They wanna put y’all back in chains!”

3.  To conclude a hard day of campaigning in Chicago, visit with Jussie Smollett to express concern for his “trauma.”

2.  Reserve your famous “articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking” compliment only for foreign leaders.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY that JOE BIDEN can DEMONSTRATE he is “SUFFICIENTLY PROGRESSIVE” is…

1.  Endorse “Cosmetic Surgery for All,” beginning with hair plugs.

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10.   The White House approved only 3 VIP White House tours for Congressman Swallwell.

9.  In firing James Comey, the President is on tape shouting “… and don’t let the door hit you….”

8. Governor Andrew Cuomo can disband the entire Moreland Commission investigating public corruption.     But if the President just THINKS  about firing a counsel …  that’s impeachable!

7. Mr. Trump just wouldn’t take John Brennan’s word on things.

6. The President had the audacity to call Rep. Adam Schiff a “pencil neck.”   Ain’t that right, Shifty?

5.   Him using that word “hoax” has got to be a high crime, if not a misdemeanor.

4. While renting at “Trump Village” in 1977, Manhattan Congressman Jerry Nadler had to call three times about a leaky faucet.

3.   This House must carry on the relentless “investigative” work of Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow, Charles Blow and Brian Williams.

2.   Just look at this “collusion” message hidden within a Roger Stone tattoo.

…and the NUMBER ONE SECRET ARTICLE of IMPEACHMENT BEING PREPARED by “PROGRESSIVE” HOUSE MEMBERS is:

1.   Mar-a-Lago just would not offer Joe Biden his usual free room upgrade.

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10.   When vegetarian actress Pamela Anderson visited Julian Assange, she “smuggled” in three Big Macs for him.

9.  Hillary Clinton remains one of the world’s top experts on acid-washing of e-mails.   She will speak to your organization about “Covering Your Tracks” for only $250,000.

8.  Vladimir Putin lusts after Ukraine largely so he can impress a certain anchorwoman in Kiev.

7.   A Barack Obama e-mail once referred to Joe Biden as a “grinning goofball.”

6.  China’s President Xi really wants an American-made Hummer for weekends.

5.    At least five European heads of state secretly believe “climate change” is a scam.

4.      Until April, four Democratic candidates for president were considering creepy lawyer Michael Avenatti as a running mate.

3.   Prior to offering the Nigerian brothers $3,500 to beat him up, Jussie Smollett asked  “Empire” fan George Stephanopoulos to wear a “MAGA” cap and do it for $1,800.

2. For the $1.1 million she paid for the fraudulent Steele and Fusion GPS dossier, Hillary Clinton also received 3 free nights at any Best Western in the country and a month supply of Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

...and the NUMBER ONE YET-to-BE RELEASED WIKILEAKS REVELATION is,,,

1.There are no showers in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

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10. Prior to the election, the Trump Organization was ​only considering a Motel 6 franchise in Moscow.

9.  During his brief tenure in the White House, General Mike Flynn was called 11 times by Senator Elizabeth Warren for VIP White House Tours.

8.  James Comey authorized electronic eavesdropping while Eric and Lara Trump visited heavily Russian Brighton Beach for dinner.

7.  Grand Jury testimony revealed that Roger Stone still has a Richard Nixon tattoo, but none of Vladimir Putin.

6.    Through a personal contact, it was James Brennan who got borscht and Stolychnaya added to the White House Mess menu​ last year​.

5.   Th​at​ “secret hotel video” from Russia shows citizen Trump raiding the mini-bar in his Moscow room.

4.  While Hillary Clinton was deeply involved in meetings about her fake “Steele Dossier,” leading to a fra​u​dulent FISA order, Bill was making new friends at the “Hooters” in White Plains, NY.

3.  Of the 240 subpoenas issued by the Special Counsel’s staff, only two involved glossy photos of Melania Trump.

2. The Mueller staff featured 42 attorneys, which enabled at least one of them to always be free for a coffee-and-doughnuts​ run.

…and the NUMBER ONE FACT or FINDING to be REDACTED PRIOR to the RELEASE of the MUELLER REPORT is…

1. Of the $35 million spent on the Russia Investigation, $1.8 million went to buying FAX machines and beepers.    Hey, this IS the Federal government.

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10. HOUSE CRITICS OF PRESIDENT, IN WAKE OF MUELLER REPORT, WON’T TABULATE CALLS DEMANDING THEIR RESIGNATIONS -Washington Post

9. PROVEN TO BE ACCURATE ABOUT NO “RUSSIAN COLLUSION,” PRESIDENT TOUTS RECORD LEVELS OF EMPLOYMENT – New York Times

8. PROMISED ANONYMITY, MORE THAN 80 HOUSE DEMOCRATS COMPLAIN OF REP. OCASIO’S “STAGGERING IGNORANCE” -Boston Globe

7. STILL SEEING WHITE HOUSE CONSPIRACIES, CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL GENERATES OFFERS OF PRO-BONO MENTAL HEALTH ASSISTANCE- Fresno Bee

6. IN WAKE OF​ PRESIDENT’S​ COMPLETE EXONERATION, COMIC BILL MAHER APPEARS AS SOMBER AS JAMES BRENNAN- Hollywood Reporter

5. FEDERAL RESERVE DOWNGRADES ECONOMIC GROWTH PROJECTIONS TO MERELY “VERY POSITIVE”   –  Financial Times

4. EUROPEAN ​LEADER​S COMPLAIN ABOUT PRESIDENT, BUT HEED HIS CALL TO INCREASE NATO COMMITMENTS      – San Francisco Chronicle

3. 109,000 APPREHENSIONS OF ILLEGALS AT BORDER IN FEBRUARY DEEMED “NO EMERGENCY” BY PELOSI, SCHUMER     – Atlanta Constitution

2. CHASTENED BY MUELLER REPORT, CONGRESSWOMAN TLAIB ESCHEWS PUBLIC OBSCENITIES FOR 37 HOURS   – Detroit Free Press

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1.NEW TAXES AND TOLLS AWAIT LEGISLATIVE APPROVAL, BUT BOLSTER IMAGES OF CUOMO, DeBLASIO AS OPPONENTS OF WORKING PEOPLE             – NY Daily News

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10. –  OK, so there was no collusion.  How about ​”​planning to consider conspiring to commit collusion?​”​   –  CNN

9.  No indictments does not mean innocence.  Suppose The Trump Foundation committed treason?   – Cong. Adam Schiff

8. When Donald Trump interviewed Brett Kavanaugh, you don’t think they talked Russia?   -Sen. Kamala Harris

7.    You watch.   They’re gonna serve borscht at the White House Mess this week.   -NPR
​

6.  Look at​ this photo of the President arriving in London on Aeroflot ​!   They couldn’t photo-shop, that, could they?    – George Stephanopoulos

5. ​What on earth would we investigate Hillary for?   – the New York Times

4.   So there will be no indictments.   Our committee now turns to investigating those dangerous, nasty Tweets.  – Cong. Jerold Nadler

3.   We will be committing staff to look into those Trump rallies in Moscow, Idaho and Russian River, California.  -MSNBC

2.  An unnamed source claims that the former Mrs. Putin may be living in the Lincoln bedroom.     -Michael Moore

…and the NUMBER ONE ALREADY-PREPARED COMMENT PRIOR to the MUELLER REPORT’S RELEASE to the PUBLIC is:

1.  My order for triple-secret-probation remains in force.   – Dean Wormer

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10. For the Stanford admission, would you accept $4​8​,000 and the complete DVD set of “Desperate Housewives?”

9.   ​If Mr. Einstein​ takes the SAT, that’ll be $35,000.   But if M​r. Edison​ ​sits for the test, the charge is only $25,000​.

8.  Just think of us as “expeditors,”  like those guys at Motor Vehicles.

7.   I think that pro-Trump admissions essay may not get you the desired result with Harvard.

6. I’ll bet you had no idea that your Shrimpy could dunk. 

5. ​  (An SAT test taker answers a question from the test proctor:)  “Of course I’m a student at Greenville Senior High.   Grey hair just runs early on my mother’s side.”
​

4.   Yes, Bubba has been accepted in to the college and on to the equestrian team.  But how come this photo shows your teen on a horse, with a body really similar to Vladimir Putin’s?

3. Chelsea’s essay already mentions Kamala, Beto and Corey?   She won’t even need us to get in to Princeton. 

2.  I think he may be the first high schooler ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.

..and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL INVESTIGATION is:.

1. Fair enough, you’ve never played soccer.   Can you spell soccer?

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10. There is no “A” train ​subway ​service to ​the ​Hilton Head beaches.

9. He hadn​’​t​ ​heard the term “Cracker” since​ his buddy​ Al Sharpton incited that famous arson incident.

8.  You mean there are no local income taxes in this state?

7.  Noo Yawk sounds about the same in a Carolina accent.

6.   Voters in Beaufort really appreciated hearing about Mrs. deBlasio’s $1 billion​ in phantom​ mental health spending.

5.   Even the college graduates in ​Columbia​,SC needed a second explanation for that “Sanctuary City” idea.

4.   People can ​really ​carry ​pistol​s for their own protection​ down here​?

3.   Yes, mayor,  no toll is charged to cross this bridge.

2.  Folks down here actually believe that if they tax too much, people will leave the state.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO DURING HIS “EXPLORATORY” VISIT to SOUTH CAROLINA is:

1. South Carolinians kept confusing Big Bill with his fellow presidential hopeful: South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg.

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10.  Bernie hasn’t worn a red military jacket like Maduro’s since the `69 Woodstock Festival.

 9. Even if he has to clear-cut Vermont’s Green Mountain forests, Bernie swears we’ll never have a toilet paper shortage.

 8.  Maduro may have stolen his elections, but even he supports Voter I.D.

 7. Venezuelans don’t need​ Bernie’s “Medicare for All.”    They’ve​ already​ got a Cuban doctor for every 20,000 residents.

 6.  If they pass that “Green New Deal,” what will Maduro do with all those Citgo gas stations?

 5. Mrs. Ines Flores Maduro only maxed out their government credit card during “U. N. Week” in New York.   

Mrs. Jane Driscoll Sanders bankrupted a whole ​university​, leaving Burlington College defunct.

 4.   ​In Venezuela, ​​Maduro has actually run out of other people’s money.​

3.  Maduro’s military would be too large for Bernie’s America.

 2.   Bernie’s base marches in Birkenstocks, Maduro’s prefers polished jackboots.

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOCIALIST CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS and VENEZUELAN SOCIALIST ICON NICOLAS MADURO is….

1. Venezuela has really put the 1% in their place — wherever they might be now.

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10.  It’s a very pleasant 5 block walk from Trump Tower to the Russian Tea Room.

 9.  Showing off memory prowess, Paul Manafort chortingly recited  John Podesta e-mails about Hillary from Wikileaks.

 8.   Until this month, the most credible secret informer claiming collusion with Russians was Jussie Smollett.

 7. In candidate Trump’s office, Roger Stone rolled up his sleeve to reveal a “Vladimir Putin tattoo.”    Turned out to be a prank henna that washed off in 3 days.   That Roger!

 6. Christopher Steele just seemed so sincere and so honest.

 5. During the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow, businessman Donald Trump accepted a cold borscht sent over by the mayor.

 4. Trying out future campaign nicknames on his escalator, Trump was undecided between “Little Vladimir” and “Lyin’ Vladdy.”

 3.   On tape, we can hear candidate Trump wondering if he too could get “$250,000 a speech in Moscow, like Bill Clinton.”

 2. Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was sighted chugging a machiato at the Starbucks in the Trump Tower lobby.

…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY FINDING in the DRAFT MUELLER REPORT is….

 1.  There IS an embarrassing tape from that Moscow hotel room.   A voracious Trump can be seen clearing out that entire mini bar.

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