Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. Is that anything nutritious on your head?

9. Hair?  That is so 2015.

8. As a matter of fact, I actually do keep a weapon up there.

7. I have found that my mohawk has assisted me in closing high-end sales.

6. Indeed, I have other similarities to Rasputin….

5. That message I shaved in to my skull says:   “GIVE ME THIS JOB.” Impressed?

4. I just prefer housepaint to shampoo…

3. My hairdresser says this is  “Friar Tuck light.”

2. Yes, others have also called me “aerodynamic.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WORKFORCE DISCUSSION POINT NOW THAT “HAIRSTYLE DISCRIMINATION” is to BE DISCOURAGED is:

1. And if you hire me, you’ll find that cell phone reception improves in the vicinity of my skull…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Drivers’ licenses are one thing, but how how about free Priuses ?  (a worthy addendum to that ‘Green New Deal​!​’)

9. Oppose all efforts to build a border wall, which would unfairly exclude non-track & field athletes from immediate​ government benefits in the U.S.

8.   Cross the border, marry an American   (-but not the punitive, patriarchal kind of marriage so horribly typical ​in America​)​.

7.    Vote against any ​Congressional funding to create more facilities and hire ​needed​ staff for the border.

6.    Refer to all the migrants in a​n endless​ caravan of thousands as “refugees.”

5.   By all means, have a photo-op and ​a high-volume ​news conference , but never speak with​ actual​ Federal agents.

4.     Remember, this is all Trump’s fault.

3.   Free buses to El Paso, Tucson, Tempe and San Diego.   Sorry, only chilled food service available.​

2.  Sanctuary cities?  States?   We need a sanctuary nation, baby!

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY “PROGRESSIVES” ARE REALLY PROVING THEY WANT to END ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION is:

1.Have all current candidates for President support free ​care​ for illegals in America’s oppressive, inferior health care system. ​ ​ 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   Which is preferable to you :  President Trump’s strong sanctions against Russia, or Hillary Clinton’s sale of American uranium assets to Vladimir Putin?

9. When and where did you last hunt for your own food?

8. You have all been running for president for months now.   Who wants to admit that your city or state is operating better without you?  Show of hands, please.

7. How many illegal immigrants have you granted sanctuary to in your own house?

6. Senator Bernie Sanders doesn’t seem to comprehend the difference between “revenue” and “profit.”   Can any of you explain this to him?

5.  If it was wrong for past members of Congress to work with segregationist Senators….  what about anti-semitic extremists like Representatives Omar and Tlaib today?

4. Do you agree with Secretary Castro that transgender women require abortion rights?

3. If Presidents Harry S. Truman, John F. Kennedy or Lyndon B. Johnson were running for re-election today, would you or another “progressive” deserve support in opposing them?

2. You all agree that illegal aliens deserve free, unlimited health care at taxpayer expense.  What other “free stuff” do you propose for illegals?

…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED “LIGHTING ROUND” QUESTION for the NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE is:

1.  Most of your states have decriminalized marijuana possession.   Are you high at this very moment?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10. A CREEPY GUY for EVERY LADIES ROOM !!

  9.  N​OBODY WILL EVER HAVE to PAY for​ ALL THIS FREE STUFF I am PROMISING.

​                -Kamala 

 8.   “I’​LL do for the COUNTRY WHAT MY WIFE did for BURLINGTON COLLEGE!”

           (–Bernie Sanders’ wife drove the college in to bankruptcy.)

​ 7. MAKE AMERICA LIKE NEWARK!

              -former Newark Mayor Cory Booker

 6. MAYBE VENEZUELA ISN’T MY IDEAL MODEL….

              -Elizabeth Warren

 5.  AS SOUTH BEND GOES, SO GOES the NATION!

              – Mayor Pete Buttigieg​

 4.  REPARATIONS NATION, BABY!

               – Kirsten Gillibrand

 3.  FULL EMPLOYMENT is OVER-RATED

               – Joe Biden

  2.  WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE, 170,000 FLEEING NEW YORKERS….. or YOUR LYING EYES?”

               – Mayor Bill DeBlasio

… and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN to COUNTER “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” is:

1.  BUT ALTOGETHER, WE HAVE A COMBINED NAME RECOGNITION OF 11%…         -candidates Bennet, Bullock, Castro, Delaney, Gabbard, Gravel, Hickenlooper, Inslee, Klobuchar, Moulton, Messam, O’Rourke, Sestak and Swallwell

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “LA LA LAND”  ( Kamala Harris and the bizarre California culture that spawned her.)

 9.  “ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK II”  (Bill De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo co-star in an all-too-real drive to depopulate a great city)

 8.   “LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE” starring Congresswoman Ilhan Omar

 7.  “JURASSIC BIDEN:  The Resurrection”

 6. “12 YEARS a MODERATE”  (Presidential hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand explains her time representing a mostly rural Congressional district)

 5.  “CROUCHING SOCIALIST, HIDDEN STRONGMAN” (Bernie Sanders really believes that bigger government is the answer – to everything!)

 4.  “THE CHARGE of the REALLY, REALLY LIGHT BRIGADE”  (All 24 Democrat candidates for President are willing to fall for any scheme that inflates government and raises taxes.)

 3.   BARACK’S LABYRINTH  (The untold story of  real Americans struggling to navigate a hopelessly complex and unaffordable Obamacare).

 2.  ETERNAL SUNSHINE of the CLUELESS MIND  (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explains voting for bills prior to reading them…)

…and the NUMBER ONE SUMMER MOVIE RELEASE WE’D LIKE to SEE in JULY is…

1.THE NUTTY PROFESSOR   (The definitive Elizabeth Warren biopic…)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. THREE HUNDRED NORMANDY CIVILIANS KILLED IN SURPRISE U.S. ​RAIDS

9. LOOKING AHEAD TO ELECTION, PRESIDENT SEEKS TO BURNISH HIS “AMERICA FIRST” IMAGE​

8. WHY NORMANDY AND NOT BRITTANY? STRATEGISTS DEBATE.

7. SOME FEAR  THAT ATTACK COULD PROVOKE HITLER TO INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS

6. AFTERMATH OF LANDINGS AT UTAH AND OMAHA BEACHES REVEALS UNPRECEDENTED ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION

5. CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE QUESTIONS PRESIDENT’S LACK OF TRANSPARENCY IN PLANNING​ ​INCURSION ACROSS ENGLISH CHANNEL

4. SOME BELIEVE THAT SECRET MEETINGS WITH RUSSIAN MILITARY WARRANT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR

3. WASHINGTON POST OBTAINS DOCUMENTS THAT REVEAL EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALLIED SHIPS, AIRCRAFT AND TROOPS

2. IN PLANNING LAVATORIES FOR 156,000 TROOPS, TRANSGENDER ​ISSUE​S FALL ​BY​ THE WAYSIDE

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE if TODAY’S MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS COVERING the D-DAY LANDINGS is:

1.MUSSOLINI CRITICIZES D-DAY FOR PALPABLE IMPACT ON CLIMATE CHANGE

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(YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS AFTER THIS POST. SEE YOU SOON…)

10. “That rum-soaked Russkie!”

9.  “Yes, there is a secret American hotel video of Vladimir Putin.   And it’s from Branson, Missouri.”

8.  “True, there was no collusion between the President’s campaign and any Russian national or their agents.  But there was this pushy, annoying Canadian guy.”

7.  ‘That’s an irrelevant question, you pipsqueak!”

6.   “Of the $35 million you gave us to investigate the election, we spent $2.1 mil on obsolete FAX machines.    Hey, this IS our Federal government, y’know.”

5.   “No, YOU should resign, Senator!”

4.   “Let me answer you in the form of a limerick.”

3.   “M’am, you want me to trust the word of that certified boozehound?”

2.   “I know the President did not engage in obstruction of justice.    But sometimes he’s got this, like, ‘obstructive personality,’ y’know?”

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING COMMENT BOB MUELLER WILL USE in HIS TESTIMONY to the HOUSE & SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEES is…

1.   “Congressman, I can explain my answer again.   But I can’t comprehend it for you.”

REMINDER: “YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS. SEE YOU SOON.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. 6​5​,000 homeless ​can’t be wrong.

9.   $20 tolls for Every Downtown​ Driver​ in America!

 8. There is too much money in the “wrong hands.”  Now, ​fork it over.

7. ​  Foreign Policy Experience?  ​Bill​ knows Cuba and Nicaragua.

6.    ​People of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina:  You Need to Start Commuting by Subway.

5.    No, he is not Mayor Pete!

4.    As Crazy as Bernie, but Younger & Taller.

3.     ​We Can ​Make Washington the New Caracas.

2.    Open Borders and No Private Guns: Perfect Together!

…and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN for the NASCENT “BILL DeBLASIO for PRESIDENT” CAMPAIGN is….

1. Imagine White House State Dinners with American WEED, not Wine.​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. When meeting with Anita Hill to express regret, offer a teasingly slow shoulder massage.

9. Admit it, Joe.  Admit that growing up in Scranton gave you undeserved privilege.

8. Make really sure you only accept cash donations from Harvey Weinstein.

7.  Try to work in the words “woke,” “me too,” and “multi-gendered” in to every speech, but not all in the same sentence.

6.   There is no need to call Mayor Pete a “whippersnapper,” not yet.

5.  During the Democratic primary debates, resist sniffing Bernie’s hair or rubbing noses with Kamala.

4.  When firing that shotgun off from your back porch, always be sure to yell: “They wanna put y’all back in chains!”

3.  To conclude a hard day of campaigning in Chicago, visit with Jussie Smollett to express concern for his “trauma.”

2.  Reserve your famous “articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking” compliment only for foreign leaders.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY that JOE BIDEN can DEMONSTRATE he is “SUFFICIENTLY PROGRESSIVE” is…

1.  Endorse “Cosmetic Surgery for All,” beginning with hair plugs.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   The White House approved only 3 VIP White House tours for Congressman Swallwell.

9.  In firing James Comey, the President is on tape shouting “… and don’t let the door hit you….”

8. Governor Andrew Cuomo can disband the entire Moreland Commission investigating public corruption.     But if the President just THINKS  about firing a counsel …  that’s impeachable!

7. Mr. Trump just wouldn’t take John Brennan’s word on things.

6. The President had the audacity to call Rep. Adam Schiff a “pencil neck.”   Ain’t that right, Shifty?

5.   Him using that word “hoax” has got to be a high crime, if not a misdemeanor.

4. While renting at “Trump Village” in 1977, Manhattan Congressman Jerry Nadler had to call three times about a leaky faucet.

3.   This House must carry on the relentless “investigative” work of Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow, Charles Blow and Brian Williams.

2.   Just look at this “collusion” message hidden within a Roger Stone tattoo.

…and the NUMBER ONE SECRET ARTICLE of IMPEACHMENT BEING PREPARED by “PROGRESSIVE” HOUSE MEMBERS is:

1.   Mar-a-Lago just would not offer Joe Biden his usual free room upgrade.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   When vegetarian actress Pamela Anderson visited Julian Assange, she “smuggled” in three Big Macs for him.

9.  Hillary Clinton remains one of the world’s top experts on acid-washing of e-mails.   She will speak to your organization about “Covering Your Tracks” for only $250,000.

8.  Vladimir Putin lusts after Ukraine largely so he can impress a certain anchorwoman in Kiev.

7.   A Barack Obama e-mail once referred to Joe Biden as a “grinning goofball.”

6.  China’s President Xi really wants an American-made Hummer for weekends.

5.    At least five European heads of state secretly believe “climate change” is a scam.

4.      Until April, four Democratic candidates for president were considering creepy lawyer Michael Avenatti as a running mate.

3.   Prior to offering the Nigerian brothers $3,500 to beat him up, Jussie Smollett asked  “Empire” fan George Stephanopoulos to wear a “MAGA” cap and do it for $1,800.

2. For the $1.1 million she paid for the fraudulent Steele and Fusion GPS dossier, Hillary Clinton also received 3 free nights at any Best Western in the country and a month supply of Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

...and the NUMBER ONE YET-to-BE RELEASED WIKILEAKS REVELATION is,,,

1.There are no showers in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Prior to the election, the Trump Organization was ​only considering a Motel 6 franchise in Moscow.

9.  During his brief tenure in the White House, General Mike Flynn was called 11 times by Senator Elizabeth Warren for VIP White House Tours.

8.  James Comey authorized electronic eavesdropping while Eric and Lara Trump visited heavily Russian Brighton Beach for dinner.

7.  Grand Jury testimony revealed that Roger Stone still has a Richard Nixon tattoo, but none of Vladimir Putin.

6.    Through a personal contact, it was James Brennan who got borscht and Stolychnaya added to the White House Mess menu​ last year​.

5.   Th​at​ “secret hotel video” from Russia shows citizen Trump raiding the mini-bar in his Moscow room.

4.  While Hillary Clinton was deeply involved in meetings about her fake “Steele Dossier,” leading to a fra​u​dulent FISA order, Bill was making new friends at the “Hooters” in White Plains, NY.

3.  Of the 240 subpoenas issued by the Special Counsel’s staff, only two involved glossy photos of Melania Trump.

2. The Mueller staff featured 42 attorneys, which enabled at least one of them to always be free for a coffee-and-doughnuts​ run.

…and the NUMBER ONE FACT or FINDING to be REDACTED PRIOR to the RELEASE of the MUELLER REPORT is…

1. Of the $35 million spent on the Russia Investigation, $1.8 million went to buying FAX machines and beepers.    Hey, this IS the Federal government.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. HOUSE CRITICS OF PRESIDENT, IN WAKE OF MUELLER REPORT, WON’T TABULATE CALLS DEMANDING THEIR RESIGNATIONS -Washington Post

9. PROVEN TO BE ACCURATE ABOUT NO “RUSSIAN COLLUSION,” PRESIDENT TOUTS RECORD LEVELS OF EMPLOYMENT – New York Times

8. PROMISED ANONYMITY, MORE THAN 80 HOUSE DEMOCRATS COMPLAIN OF REP. OCASIO’S “STAGGERING IGNORANCE” -Boston Globe

7. STILL SEEING WHITE HOUSE CONSPIRACIES, CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL GENERATES OFFERS OF PRO-BONO MENTAL HEALTH ASSISTANCE- Fresno Bee

6. IN WAKE OF​ PRESIDENT’S​ COMPLETE EXONERATION, COMIC BILL MAHER APPEARS AS SOMBER AS JAMES BRENNAN- Hollywood Reporter

5. FEDERAL RESERVE DOWNGRADES ECONOMIC GROWTH PROJECTIONS TO MERELY “VERY POSITIVE”   –  Financial Times

4. EUROPEAN ​LEADER​S COMPLAIN ABOUT PRESIDENT, BUT HEED HIS CALL TO INCREASE NATO COMMITMENTS      – San Francisco Chronicle

3. 109,000 APPREHENSIONS OF ILLEGALS AT BORDER IN FEBRUARY DEEMED “NO EMERGENCY” BY PELOSI, SCHUMER     – Atlanta Constitution

2. CHASTENED BY MUELLER REPORT, CONGRESSWOMAN TLAIB ESCHEWS PUBLIC OBSCENITIES FOR 37 HOURS   – Detroit Free Press

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1.NEW TAXES AND TOLLS AWAIT LEGISLATIVE APPROVAL, BUT BOLSTER IMAGES OF CUOMO, DeBLASIO AS OPPONENTS OF WORKING PEOPLE             – NY Daily News

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10. –  OK, so there was no collusion.  How about ​”​planning to consider conspiring to commit collusion?​”​   –  CNN

9.  No indictments does not mean innocence.  Suppose The Trump Foundation committed treason?   – Cong. Adam Schiff

8. When Donald Trump interviewed Brett Kavanaugh, you don’t think they talked Russia?   -Sen. Kamala Harris

7.    You watch.   They’re gonna serve borscht at the White House Mess this week.   -NPR
​

6.  Look at​ this photo of the President arriving in London on Aeroflot ​!   They couldn’t photo-shop, that, could they?    – George Stephanopoulos

5. ​What on earth would we investigate Hillary for?   – the New York Times

4.   So there will be no indictments.   Our committee now turns to investigating those dangerous, nasty Tweets.  – Cong. Jerold Nadler

3.   We will be committing staff to look into those Trump rallies in Moscow, Idaho and Russian River, California.  -MSNBC

2.  An unnamed source claims that the former Mrs. Putin may be living in the Lincoln bedroom.     -Michael Moore

…and the NUMBER ONE ALREADY-PREPARED COMMENT PRIOR to the MUELLER REPORT’S RELEASE to the PUBLIC is:

1.  My order for triple-secret-probation remains in force.   – Dean Wormer

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10. For the Stanford admission, would you accept $4​8​,000 and the complete DVD set of “Desperate Housewives?”

9.   ​If Mr. Einstein​ takes the SAT, that’ll be $35,000.   But if M​r. Edison​ ​sits for the test, the charge is only $25,000​.

8.  Just think of us as “expeditors,”  like those guys at Motor Vehicles.

7.   I think that pro-Trump admissions essay may not get you the desired result with Harvard.

6. I’ll bet you had no idea that your Shrimpy could dunk. 

5. ​  (An SAT test taker answers a question from the test proctor:)  “Of course I’m a student at Greenville Senior High.   Grey hair just runs early on my mother’s side.”
​

4.   Yes, Bubba has been accepted in to the college and on to the equestrian team.  But how come this photo shows your teen on a horse, with a body really similar to Vladimir Putin’s?

3. Chelsea’s essay already mentions Kamala, Beto and Corey?   She won’t even need us to get in to Princeton. 

2.  I think he may be the first high schooler ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.

..and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL INVESTIGATION is:.

1. Fair enough, you’ve never played soccer.   Can you spell soccer?

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10. There is no “A” train ​subway ​service to ​the ​Hilton Head beaches.

9. He hadn​’​t​ ​heard the term “Cracker” since​ his buddy​ Al Sharpton incited that famous arson incident.

8.  You mean there are no local income taxes in this state?

7.  Noo Yawk sounds about the same in a Carolina accent.

6.   Voters in Beaufort really appreciated hearing about Mrs. deBlasio’s $1 billion​ in phantom​ mental health spending.

5.   Even the college graduates in ​Columbia​,SC needed a second explanation for that “Sanctuary City” idea.

4.   People can ​really ​carry ​pistol​s for their own protection​ down here​?

3.   Yes, mayor,  no toll is charged to cross this bridge.

2.  Folks down here actually believe that if they tax too much, people will leave the state.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO DURING HIS “EXPLORATORY” VISIT to SOUTH CAROLINA is:

1. South Carolinians kept confusing Big Bill with his fellow presidential hopeful: South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg.

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10.  Bernie hasn’t worn a red military jacket like Maduro’s since the `69 Woodstock Festival.

 9. Even if he has to clear-cut Vermont’s Green Mountain forests, Bernie swears we’ll never have a toilet paper shortage.

 8.  Maduro may have stolen his elections, but even he supports Voter I.D.

 7. Venezuelans don’t need​ Bernie’s “Medicare for All.”    They’ve​ already​ got a Cuban doctor for every 20,000 residents.

 6.  If they pass that “Green New Deal,” what will Maduro do with all those Citgo gas stations?

 5. Mrs. Ines Flores Maduro only maxed out their government credit card during “U. N. Week” in New York.   

Mrs. Jane Driscoll Sanders bankrupted a whole ​university​, leaving Burlington College defunct.

 4.   ​In Venezuela, ​​Maduro has actually run out of other people’s money.​

3.  Maduro’s military would be too large for Bernie’s America.

 2.   Bernie’s base marches in Birkenstocks, Maduro’s prefers polished jackboots.

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOCIALIST CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS and VENEZUELAN SOCIALIST ICON NICOLAS MADURO is….

1. Venezuela has really put the 1% in their place — wherever they might be now.

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10.  It’s a very pleasant 5 block walk from Trump Tower to the Russian Tea Room.

 9.  Showing off memory prowess, Paul Manafort chortingly recited  John Podesta e-mails about Hillary from Wikileaks.

 8.   Until this month, the most credible secret informer claiming collusion with Russians was Jussie Smollett.

 7. In candidate Trump’s office, Roger Stone rolled up his sleeve to reveal a “Vladimir Putin tattoo.”    Turned out to be a prank henna that washed off in 3 days.   That Roger!

 6. Christopher Steele just seemed so sincere and so honest.

 5. During the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow, businessman Donald Trump accepted a cold borscht sent over by the mayor.

 4. Trying out future campaign nicknames on his escalator, Trump was undecided between “Little Vladimir” and “Lyin’ Vladdy.”

 3.   On tape, we can hear candidate Trump wondering if he too could get “$250,000 a speech in Moscow, like Bill Clinton.”

 2. Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was sighted chugging a machiato at the Starbucks in the Trump Tower lobby.

…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY FINDING in the DRAFT MUELLER REPORT is….

 1.  There IS an embarrassing tape from that Moscow hotel room.   A voracious Trump can be seen clearing out that entire mini bar.

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