Genius Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano claims that the presence of a Green Party candidate in the race won by Republican Troy Balderson is “evidence” that there was Russian meddling in this week’s special election in Ohio’s 12th district!! (Seriously!).
Here are the Top Ten sure-fire tip-offs that prove the Russians meddled in the election:
10. To you, Green Party candidate “Joe Manchik” sounds like Senator “Joe Manchin.” To Alyssa, that sounds Russian.
9. In reporting on the Ohio Governor’s endorsement of Troy Balderson, CNN swears that John Kasich ignored summer temps and wore a mink Cossack hat.
8. When was the last time that a conspiracy alleged by a Hollywood star didn’t turn out to be true?
7. To thank campaign volunteers, MSNBC claims that Balderson favored take-out borscht and caviar over traditional choice of pizza.
6. Ohio progressives don’t believe Balderson is just a fan of “The Americans” when he uses terms like “Rezidentura.”
5. Campaign checks totaling $95 arrived in GOP headquarters from Moscow, Idaho, St. Petersburg, Florida and Russian River, California.
4. President Trump endorsed him, didn’t he? Isn’t that part of all this collusion the TV tells me about?
3. Green Party candidate vacationed at the Soshi Winter Olympics.
2. TV anchorman providing primary night results looks an awful lot like Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURE-FIRE TIP-OFF THAT RUSSIANS MEDDLED in that SPECIAL ELECTION in OHIO’S 12th CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT is:
1. Columbus Dispatch political reporter wrote that Democrat Danny O’Connor was playing “Russian Roulette” by opposing popular tax cuts.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To subscribe to the “Top Ten” list for free, please log on to www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit. Enjoy!
10. A $15,000 ostrich jacket is one thing….. but oh, that ostrich underwear !
9. Yes, he paid $180,000 for that Mercedes. But drives a 1976 AMC Pacer to his “K” Street meetings.
8. Seen ordering a fillet-o-fish at McDonald’s, after first asking for the sommelier.
7. That pro-Russian government in Ukraine paid his $60 million in consulting fees partly in Stolichnaya.
6. Never given credit for being the mastermind behind John Connelly’s 1980 campaign.
5. Finally, last year, he vacated his D. C. Housing Authority apartment.
4. Invests his foreign payments in the high-yielding “Fugitive Oligarchs Fund.”
3. That $21,000 “Royal Way” watch? Offers current readings in all seven Russian time zones.
2. Guinness Book of World Records confirms he is only known individual to wear a clip-on tie with a $900 shirt.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING UNREPORTED FACT about PAUL MANAFORT is:
1. While awaiting trial, he pays for concierge services and deliveries of Trump steaks in prison.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and not as a source of real news. To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please log on to www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit. Enjoy!
10. This man had a romantic dalliance in 1998!
9. New York Times editorialists are threatening self-immolation.
8. “Immigrants” now being questioned at our southern border!
7. President could have introduced us to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, at least.
6. Tax cuts assisted my smug neighbor with the Range Rover and hot tub.
5. If he says “Crooked Hillary” one more time…
4. Of those 4 million new jobs, none are located in “Safe Spaces.”
3. Those Trump steaks were a bit chewy…
2. As predicted, the economy is in shambles ! (Er, what was that quarterly growth number, again?)
…and the NUMBER ONE STRONGEST REASON for IMPEACHMENT in 2018 is….
1. He just won’t admit to collusion!
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and not as a source of real news. To subscribe for free, log on to www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes, and submit. Or e-mail the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org . Enjoy!
10. Official sample ballot pamphlets mailed to voters in 16 states feature all candidate photos posed on horseback, shirtless (no gender discrimination).
9. Anonymous flier invites you to “Attend Our Rally, Take Home Free Stolichnaya.”
8. Even liberal / progressives now embrace Russia’s flat 13% national income tax rate.
7. Top issue in Missouri’s 21st Congressional district: “Let’s keep Crimea Russian.”
6. Along with your expected Star-Ledger and Penny Saver, “Pravda” now delivered to your lawn.
5. New sponsor welcomed on the Jumbotron at the Great American Ballpark: “Gazprom.”
4. Russian Television (RT) now occupies Channels 4 and 5 on your cable system.
3. US Senate candidate arrives at your local airport in chartered Aeroflot jet.
2. This year, most of your new “Facebook” friends are named “Sergei” or “Svetlana.”
…and the NUMBER ONE SURE-FIRE WAY to TELL if RUSSIANS are MEDDLING in the 2018 U.S. ELECTIONS is:
1. In November, Democrats sweep to victory in House elections!
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To subscribe for free, please visit www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and “submit.” Enjoy!
See if you can tell which statements were actually uttered by “progressive” extremists:
10. Judge Kavanaugh has never spoken out against a nuclear first strike.
9. He will tip the Supreme Court more against workers’ rights, civil rights and women’s rights. Women’s freedom is at stake!
8. If confirmed, he will threaten the lives of millions of Americans for decades to come and will morph our Supreme Court into a political arm of the right-wing Republican Party.
7. Yale Law School is not that far from the Salem Witch Trials site.
6. I don’t know much about Kavanaugh, but am skeptical about anyone named Brett.
5. If Kavanaugh is confirmed, can I still get all my free stuff?
4. A devastating blow to American values.
3. He’s another dang Catholic, ain’t he?
2. We’ll be damned if we let five men, including some frat boy named Brett, strip us of our hard-won bodily autonomy and reproductive rights.
…and the NUMBER ONE “PROGRESSIVE” TALKING POINT AGAINST CONFIRMATION of JUDGE BRETT KAVANAUGH to the SUPREME COURT is:
1. Interpreting the Constitution as it was actually written…? Oh, the humanity!
#9 – Actual statement from US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY).
#8 – Actual statement from former Virginia Governor (and DNC Chairman) Terry McAuliffe (D).
#6- Actual words of CBS jester and “Late Show” host Steven Colbert.
#4 – Actual comment from Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY).
#2 – Actual statement from the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL).
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and not as actual news. To subscribe for free, log on to www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit. Or, write to the editor at email@example.com . Enjoy!
10. Getcha tickets for the USA vs. Italy game, right here… Only 18,000 Rubles apiece…
9. No, really. All Germans are welcome here this time.
8. Wow! An actual registered Soccer Hooligan. Want to come work for me? -Vladimir Putin
7. The soccer excitement is so overwhelming…. I can barely stand…. I can barely… Zzzzzz.
6. If the Russians fall behind, the poisoning squad heads in.
5. Of course I can get you honeymoon suite in Kremlin. How much dollars you got?
4. He paid for the naming rights, so the actual World Cup is now the “Trump Trophy.”
3. Let’s see if those uppity Icelanders can hit the curve ball.
2. How come Nancy and Chuck don’t attack that flat 13% income tax rate over here ??
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMMENT OVERHEARD at the WORLD CUP GAMES in RUSSIA is:
1. Will trade Skybox seats at the finals for just 300 grams of Hillary’s uranium.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To subscribe for free, please visit www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit. Enjoy!
And a happy Independence Day to all !!
10. Charlvoix is really Quebecois for “Chuck Norris Town.”
9. What would Donald do?
8. That bare-chested dude on the horse… he was invited?
7. World Cup? We don’t need no World Cup.
6. Really? Bermuda is NOT a member?
5. Giuseppe, Shinzo… Shinzo, Giuseppe.
3. Angela, I’ll bet you never danced the “mashed potato” back in East Germany.
2. OK, you drop the tariffs on our cars, and we’ll cut tariffs on what passes for whiskey in your country.
1. That short Korean waiter with bad hair seems strangely familiar.
So, for this week, we present an “oldie-but-goodie” from Spring 2016. President Trump has withdrawn the United States from the flawed nuclear agreement with Iran. But in early 2016, President Obama and Secretary of State Kerry had just completed the agreement, and our “Top Ten” offered this commentary: