Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. “This economy sure is robust, ain’t it?”

 9. “As a matter of fact, that latte IS worth $11.”

 8. “What’s a little temporary blip among millions?”

 7. “This administration does not believe in wage or price controls”

 6. “Gas prices?  Why aren’t you driving electric?”

 5.  “Let’s talk about that possible national mask mandate.”

 4.  “Prices are certainly healthy.”

 3.  “That’s just another dog whistle from supremacists.”

 2.  “Even as we speak, we’re searching the White House for some old “WIN”  (Whip Inflation Now) buttons from the 1970s.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY the WHITE HOUSE AVOIDS SAYING “INFLATION” is…

1. “If a mojito costs $19 at the Hay-Adams, switch to a Bud at the 7-11.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Cannabis farm​s

 9.  Critical Race Theory DVDs for grade schoolers

 8.  Unhackable laptops for the First Family

 7.  A pipeline, but in Russia

 6. Five million flammable American flags   (made in China)

 5.  Mail-in ballots for everyone (preferably untraceable)

 4.  Private jets, sequestered near Hollywood

 3.  Wind turbines, but not within a 30-mile radius of the White House or key donors

 2.  Any elective surgery that might possibly improve self-esteem

…and the NUMBER ONE WHITE HOUSE EXAMPLE of “INFRASTRUCTURE” is…

 1. Hair plugs

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Outlander” has been slow to return to Netflix.

   9. American imperialists are not allowing millions to move back to Cuba.

    8. There are fewer US diplomats to beam radiation towards.

   7.  Most Cubans wanted the National League All-Stars to win.

   6.  Not enough cop-killing fugitives being given safe harbor in Cuba.

   5.  Embargo has prevented Cuban autos from competing with GM, Ford and Chrysler.

   4.  During COVID, Cuban protesters want more doctors sent overseas.

   3.  Che Guevara t-shirts in short supply due to run on the market by Ivy League professors.

    2.  Cubans don’t need no stinkin’ Internet. 

…and the NUMBER ONE EXPLANATION for the MASS PROTESTS in CUBA FROM the BIDEN ADMINISTRATION is:

    1.   Cubans demanding that Hunter’s “art” show comes to Havana.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Any new laptop owned by Hunter, of course​.

9. All Federal contracting businesses started by​ baby​ brother J​im​ Biden​.

8.  ​Any organization or department with the words “equity,” “diversity,” or “intersectionality” in its title.​

7.  ​Sites owned by George Soros, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Mike Bloomberg and Tom Steyer.​  (They can’t afford the ransom).

6. Wilmington, Delaware’s “Hair Club for Men” franchise.

5. Personal email accounts for Jim Acosta, Katie Couric, Paul Krugman, Nikki Hannah Jones, and Joe Scarborough.

4.  ​The University of Delaware’s special repository for ​Dr. Jill’s Ed.D. thesis.

3. Congresswoman Ocasio’s therapist.

2. Al Gore’s 20,000 kilowatts-per-month mansion.

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW “NO CYBER ATTACKS, PLEASE” ZONE FROM JOSEPH BIDEN is…

1. The thermostat in Randi Weingarten’s hot tub.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Hunter laptop​s​ ​have been ​confiscated ​as “official secrets​.​”   

 9.  Kamala now also designated as “Czarina of the Northern Border and Yukon territories.”

 8. ​All necessary f​uture​ Federal​ re-education camps to be located in rural Delaware​.​

 7.  Under cover of night, Lafayette Park’s statue of Andrew Jackson to be replaced with 30-foot likeness of “Dr. Jill.”

 6.  In order to vote, really cool tattoos may be substituted for photo ID.

 5. Preventive detention for Jan. 6th protesters to be extended through 2023.

 4.  Full presidential pardon issued to Hillary Clinton.

 3.  First Monday in September henceforth known as “Entitlement Day.”

 2.  A coda to Pride Month​: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg​ pictured​ on new $3 bill, crossing the Potomac…. (on the Metro, of course!)

…and the NUMBER ONE ANNOUNCEMENT from JOSEPH BIDEN on a SLOW NEWS HOLIDAY WEEKEND is:

 1.  Department of the Interior changes Mount Rushmore to “Four White Dudes National Recreation Area.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Madam, remember, WE are in charge now.  Don’t say “cages.”

 9.  We know that El Paso’s 800 miles from the real problem.   Your point?

 8. Yes, the north side of the river is the American side.

 7. A sombrero could be misunderstood, I think.

 6.  MS-13 is not a middle school subject.

 5.  “Mi Casa es Su Casa?” How many cots you got in the Vice President’s residence?

 4. The Golden Triangle does not serve fast food.

 3. Let’s try to avoid migrants actually running through the big photo op.

 2. Only open-border fans will be joining us.   No need to say “I am speaking!”

…and the NUMBER ONE TAKE AWAY from the STAFF BRIEFING for KAMALA’s TRIP to the BORDER is:

1. OK, the guy’s in a human trafficking cartel.  He’s still one of our voters.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Showed off Dr. Jill’s new Air Force One drapes to the Euro-media.​

9. At the Geneva geyser, he asked:   “Are we still in Yellowstone?”

8. During principals-only meeting,  extricate​d​ self from Vladimir’s head lock.

7. ​ Gave himself the best​ free​ vacation of his life​.​

6. ​Courageously condemned that French​ guy​ who slapped ​President Macron.

5.​ Adding to Joe’s “Please Don’t Hack These, Mr. Putin” list, Vlad agreed to exempt a special Delaware​ ice cream parlor.

4.  Learned how to pronounce “garcon.”

3.  Checked with Kamala to get her take on another “Nukes-for-Cash” deal.​

2.  Hair plugs were on good behavior during windswept G-7 photo-op.

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN ACHIEVEMENT in EUROPE is:

1. ​ On meeting Mrs. Boris (Carrie) Johnson, he stifled his desire to say:  “Hello again, Maggie.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Vice President declares “I am speaking” and “I’m not finished” to multiple heads-of-state​.​

 9.  Kamala creates new bail fund for MS-13 ​killer​s in El Salvador, if they ” really​, really​ try to stay” in that country​.​

 8.   Finally, the Veep gets a look at our southern border… Twice​ even​, but from 35,000 feet​.​ 

 7.  She ​avoided international incident​ while Guetemalan President Alejandro Giammattei explain​ed​ how Biden-Harris policy caused the crisis at the US border​.​

 6.  During Mexico City press availability, she ​finally refers to “President AMLO​,” after five references to “President AMWAY.”​

 5.  Listening to concerns at a “community meeting” in Honduras, she learned​ that​ a major reason for illegal migration is “limited access to winter sports.”

 4.  Worked the phrase “Y’know, I am part Caribbean myself” into every speech.

 3.  Unscheduled stop at a rural airstrip scored “cases of moonshine tequila” for the White House Mess.

 2.  Mentioning the White House while addressing traffickers and cartel strong men with a bull horn, she impressed with “Mi Casa es Su Casa.”

…and the NUMBER ONE KAMALA ACCOMPLISHMENT DURING HER VISIT to LATIN AMERICA is:

 1. After spirited debate, Costa Rica decided NOT to declare war on the U.S.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Look right over there. Tourism is really picking up again!”

 9. “Those south of the border countries just don’t understand gender dysphoria.”

 8. “What’s the real difference between a human smuggler and a concierge​, anyway​?”

 7. “​T​hat guy wading the Rio Grande ​just looks like an​ engineering PhD​, don’t he​?”

 6.  “What do those ranchers have to be so scared about?”

 5. “​That migrant feller’s seaplane is in the shop this week.”​

4.  “The Border Patrol has always had its ​little ​challenges.”

 3. “Th​e turbaned gentleman​ from Yemen scaling the wall makes the best falafels.”

 2. “That wasn’t a 5 year old crying at the border, it was a ​site visit from Mike Bloomberg​.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY to AVOID SAYING “CRISIS at the BORDER” is…

1. ​”Those are not cages.   They are open-air timeshares.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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1. ​

​10.​  Madam V​ice ​P​resident​,​ ​there​’s​ really ​no​ need to visit the border​, is there​?
​  9. ​OK, Mr. President.   We know your ice cream ​flavor ​choice, but…    sprinkles or hot fudge?
  8. Under your “Stimulus” plan,  could the existing miles of Keystone Pipeline convert to mass transit ​use ?
​  7. ​ Madam Press Secretary, ​are those designer ​earrings you are wearing?   
  6.  ​Mr. Biden, with respect, C​ritical ​R​ace ​Theory “training” is certainly infrastructure, isn’t it?
​ 5. ​ Who wrote Kamala’s knee slapping jokes for the Annapolis graduation?​   Really hilarious.​
​ 4.​  Sir, suppose we call the southern border a “​boardwalk​” or a “promenade” to the US?
​ 3.  ​Mr. President, how do you stay so sharp and youthful?
​  2. ​ How is the food on Air Force ​1​ these days?

…and the NUMBER ONE HARD-HITTING QUESTION from the WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS this WEEK is:

​  1.  ​Joe, when you meet with Vladimir next month, will Hunter be along for a piece of Nord Stream 2?

(Just kidding, no one in today’s White House Press Corps would ask an actual, inquisitive question like this…..)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Unknown airborne craft in US Navy’s Norfolk air space merely waiting for takeout crabcake orders.

 9.   During his supposed nightly Amtrak commutes to Delaware while in the US Senate, Joseph Biden was actually transported by “progressives” from Neptune.

 8.   Producer Michael Moore wears large baseball hats in order to conceal a disturbing conehead.

 7.  Body of alien recovered from Roswell, N.M. in 1947 found to have counterfeit Food Stamps on his person.

 6. Slow moving flying craft near New York State Fair sponsored by “Re-elect Chuck Schumer” campaign.

5.   UFO crash reveals thousands of frozen vegetarian lasagna meals intended for JFK-LAX flights.

 4.  Intergalactic spokesmodel says his leader felt “obligated to shuttle Congresspersons Ocasio, Tlaib, Omar, Swallwell, Pressley, Nadler and Bowman back home” to the planet Remulac.

 3.  As a gesture of friendship, alien males make sure to wear Biden-style hair plugs.

 2.  Interplanetary visitors “de-saucer” and request “take me to your leader.”  They were whisked directly to Kamala.

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVANCE REVELATION from the GOVERNMENT’S COMING RELEASE of U.F.O. FILES is:

 1.   You were correct—   US Senator Mazie Hirono is not of this earth.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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8:30 – 9:15AM   – Phone call with Al Sharpton for scholarly briefing on Critical Race Theory

9:30 -10:15AM        – Snack and warm milk.   Recharge time.

10:30 – 11:00AM   –   Private Meeting with Hunter to check on Biden interests in Ukraine, Red China and Russia.

12 Noon – 2:00PM  –  Lunch with Teachers’ Union executives.   Bring trusty Hopalong Cassidy lunch box to NEA headquarters.

2:15 – 3:00 PM  – Briefing from Acting OMB Director Shalonda Young regarding plans for new “stimulus” checks.  President is requesting explanation on the difference between “trillions” and “gazillions.” 

3:00 – 3:30PM  Meeting with Domestic Advisor Susan Rice.   Learn more cool stuff about Biden domestic agenda, receive talking points.

3:45 – 4:15PM    – Snack of Delaware corn dog, then power nap.

4:30 – 5:15PM  –  Briefing from CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky.    Ask her directly if there are ways we can keep the US economy and daily life locked down.

5:20 – 5:30PM –  Phone call with VP Kamala to see what makes more sense: visiting the Mexican border in 2023 or in our re-election year, 2024.

6:00 – 8:15PM –  Private dinner and White House screening of latest Michael Moore movie.   Invited guests: Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Bernie Sanders, Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, Jussie Smollett, Cong. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

8:30 – 9:00PM  –  Video call with Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin III to see how implementation is going on Dr. Jill’s decor changes for Air Force I.   This close to bedtime,  avoid all unpleasant foreign affairs matters.

9:15 PM –        President retires to private family quarters.    Brings DNC briefing book:   “Photo I.D. Never Matters”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  When he hears the new term “cis,” he thinks of the nun who rapped his knuckles with a yardstick in 8th grade.

 9.  Inspired by Governor Cuomo, he longs to drive a “muscle car,” even if only to the therapist.

 8.  After radical Congresswomen spoke of “birthing people,” he wondered what to call “Mother’s Day” this​ week​.

 7.  He fantasized about compet​ing​ in female college sports​… ​ but only for a moment.

 6.  Due to her bulky winter clothes, he inadvertently helped an older lady to cross an intersection.

 5.  He refused a free offer to shave “AOC” into his back hair.

 4.  He casually accepts that more men than women go into engineering, fire fighting, lion taming​, ​ Army artillery, Star Trek conventions, Pamplona bull runnings, bear tracking, plumbing, pearl diving, rodeo work,​ and​ street demonstrations in Iran​.​

  3.   While hanging a Helen Reddy poster, he wonders if it’s OK to enjoy using his power tool.

  2.   Offered a complimentary drink with a little umbrella, he opted to pay for a shot of whiskey.

… and the NUMBER ONE SIGN that SOMEONE YOU KNOW MAY be IMBUED with “TOXIC MASCULINITY” is…

  1.  He knows he has more common sense than our Vice President.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  President Biden offered to build him the “West Virginia Comprehensive Subway Authority.”

  9.  Mitch McConnell promised to extend the subway from WVa right to the Senate Hart Building.

  8.  New “Robert K. Byrd Theme Park” near Parkersburg to feature a locally familiar “alternative” to Mount Rushmore.

  7.  There’s nothing like having Chuck Schumer and Dick Durban serving you coffee and croissants on trays each morning.

  6.  As he enters the Senate chambers, John Denver tunes drown out anyone who happens to be speaking.

  5.  Post-pandemic concert tickets are being printed for the “Kennedy – Manchin Center.”

  4.  Open survey of female Senators lists him as the “most magnetically handsome” member of their institution.

  3.  Air Force 2 had previously never been used for commuting. 

  2. Jeff Bezos to order Washington Post to run daily flattering photo and “Manchin Witticism.”

…and the Number One Reason it’s Good to be Senator Joe Manchin in 2021 is:

  1.  During his visit to the House Speaker’s office, she excused herself to “slip into something more comfortable.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  That meeting with Senator Majority Leader Andrea Cousins: don’t bring up ANY kind of poker

 9.  Taxes?    Where on earth would rich New Yorkers move to?

 8.  Check with Counsel: Is it OK to have a business meeting with female staffers in the mansion pool?

7.  Do not drive my 10-miles-per-gallon GTO muscle car to “Earth Week” ceremonies.  Leave GTO in mansion garage, pellegrino.

 6.  “It’s still Trump’s fault.”   “But it’s Bill DeBlasio’s fault, too.”

 5.  My promise of $15,000 for each migrant…    Check with staff:  what if Canadians start coming over for it?

 4.  Remember:  bring baked goods for that nursing home visit.  They’ll love me!

 3.   Put the “nipple ring” controversy to rest:   wear a jacket, guy.

 2.  Be sure security detail is beefed up for my “More Gun Control” outdoor news conference.

…and the NUMBER ONE ANDREW CUOMO “MEMO to SELF” THIS WEEK is:

 1.  Arrange nice photo op with female legislators.  Convey charming best “non-predator” smile.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Expand the court”   New Meaning: More politicians from one party on the taxpayers’ payroll,  now resplendent in black robes

  9.  “Peaceful protests” –  New Meaning:   deaths, injuries, rampant arson and looting

  8. “Equity”      New Meaning:  Judging people by race, ethnicity or sex (best option: “all of the above”)

  7. “Infrastructure ”    New Meaning:  Free health care for illegals, subsidized tuition for the wealthy

  6.  “Green New Deal”   New Meaning:  More Solyndras, but on steroids

  5.  “White Supremacy”      New Meaning:  Support for the family and western civilization

  4. “Climate Justice”    New Meaning: Wait for your new fuel, utility, and transportation bills

  3.  “Paying Their Fair Share”   New Meaning:  This means you

  2.  “Gender”     New Meaning:  A fluid concept of self-identification

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW “WOKE” 2021 GLOSSARY DEFINITION is:

  1.  “Police Brutality”    New Meaning:   Simply wearing a blue uniform

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   Henceforth, all really scary looking guns are banned.

 9.  National gun ​“​buy back​“​ will offer free​ hot dog ​at​ the All Star game in Denver,​ in exchange for your home defense revolver.​

 8. For his past gun felonies, Hunter is pardoned forthwith.

 7.  Free health care is nice, but: AR-15s confiscated from law abiding owners will be issued to​ illegal migrants as part of their “Welcome to America” package.​

 6.  Firing shotguns from back porches in Delaware will ​be permitted while the President is in- state​.

 5.  A Federal “gun free zone” will exist within a 3-mile radius of Dr. Jill, Nancy and Chuck​, at all times​.  ​Naturally, newly enlarged ​Secret Service​ details​ will be issued automatic weapons within these zones.

​ 4. ​(In recognition of their longtime suffering…)  Lifetime Federal concealed carry pistol permits are hereby allotted to Hillary R. Clinton, R. Hunter Biden, Eric Holder, Adam Schiff, and Anthony Weiner.

 3. In the event of home invasion, operators will be available for “chat” on the White House website, 24/7.

 2.  All references to “the Second Amendment” will be blocked on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, as requested by the President of his friends.

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER KNOWN BIDEN EXECUTIVE ORDER REGARDING FIREARMS is:

1.  Federal tax credits will be available to homeowners installing metal detectors at their front doors.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. On election day, the weather is rather cloudy.

9. Elderly volunteer in my polling place did not properly refer to me as “they.”

8. I wanted to “same-day register,” but the police kept chasing me all the way from that bank.

7. Major League Baseball is played somewhere in the state.

6. Board of Elections guy wants me to divulge my address.  Can you imagine?

5. Look, there’s a police officer outside the polling place.

4. It says right here that early voting can only take place in the same year as the election.

3. No portrait-size photos of President Harris on display in or near the voting machines.

2. Fox News truck sighted within 1/2 mile of voting site.

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY THAT STACEY and JOE CAN SPOT “VOTER SUPPRESSION” IS:

1. You live in a state where Coca Cola is available, and Delta flies there.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10. ​ Trickster alters Joe’s teleprompter to keep r​epeat​ing:  “I’m not in Wilmington anymore…. I’m not in Wilmington any more…”

​ 9.​  President s​hout​s “I am speaking!” even when alone in the Oval Office.

​ 8. ​Vice President taunts Joe by using the nuclear football to play “pickle in the middle.”

​ 7.​  Even Dr. Jill refers to the “Harris administration.”

​ 6. ​Stimulus checks are prioritized for looters bailed out by Kamala in Minneapolis.

​ 5.​   Vice President informs Joe that with his new gender rules, he can declare himself the first female president

 4.  Joe requisitions Air Force One only if Kamala isn’t heading out of town.

 3.  During 3AM trip to the bathroom, Joe bumps into Kamala, busy delivering “to do” memos to staff.

 2.  As Marine Corps band plays “Hail to the Chief,” Kamala jumps out of her seat, clenched fist in the air.

….and the NUMBER ONE TIP-OFF that KAMALA is REALLY in CHARGE is:

 1.  Arguing for passage of HR 1, Vice President declares that “death ought not be an impediment to voting.”

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10. Chinese Communist (CCP) diplomats publicly berate the USA, attacking “systemic racism,” quoting the violent BLM.

9. Biden-Harris diplomats publicly berate the USA for “systemic racism,” endorsing the violent BLM.

8. CCP basic training features drilling with fixed-bayonets and hand-to-hand combat against American “devils.”

7. New Biden-Harris executive order “enables all Americans to serve in uniform,” include all genders, orientations and pregnancy statuses.

6.  Chinese generals have nicknames like “Human Butcher” (Gen. Bai Qi) and “War Lord” ( Xiahou Yuan).

5. Biden “Equality Act” and fluid gender selection mean that Defense Secretary (Gen.) Lloyd Austin could choose to be “General Linda.”

4. President Xi Jinping is using coal power plants to drive manufacturing of next-generation CCP weapons systems.

3. President Biden canceled the vital Keystone Pipeline and signed onto Paris Climate Accord rules that would cripple US world influence and our economy.

2.   President Xi’s daughter Xi Mingze graduated from Harvard, and advises her father on the American psyche.

…and the NUMBER ONE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE CCP and the BIDEN-HARRIS APPROACHES to FOREIGN AFFAIRS is:

1. President Biden’s son Hunter stepped off Air Force 2, accepted $1.5 billion in Chinese cash for investment, and thinks he’s a genius.

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​10.​  “Please burn that ‘Cuomo-Sexual’ t-shirt for me.”​

9. ​”This bill is a big deal.   Who else would have thought of stimulus checks for inmates in prison?”​

8. ​”Dr. Biden!  Dr. Biden!  May I call  you ‘Professor Biden?'”​

7. ​”Sure we favor choice….    No, not school choice.”​

6. ​”This nuclear football does not seem user friendly.”​

5. ​”I guess with Joe’s new ‘gender’ rules, I might not be the first female VP.”​

4. “Maybe not all women should be believed, at least not in New York.” 

3. “No worries, it’s not real money.” 

2. “Tell Willie Brown I’ll circle back to him…”​ 

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST MEMORABLE PHRASE HEARD AROUND the VICE PRESIDENT THIS WEEK is:

1. “BOO!! Oh, so sorry, Joe.”  

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10. “THE VOTES OF EXPIRED AMERICANS MUST NEVER BE SUPPRESSED.”

 9.  ” IF 16 YEAR OLDS WANT TO REGISTER TO VOTE, DO THEY NEED TO READ FIRST?”

 8.  “I’M POSITIVE I CAN CARRY THE NEW SING-SING VOTE.”

 7. “YOU DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ SIGNATURES.”

 6.  “PHOTO I.D.?  THAT’S JUST FOR ENTERING BUILDINGS, LIKE THIS ONE.”

 5.  ” TAXPAYER MONEY FOR POLITICIANS’ CAMPAIGNS?  DID WE RUN OUT OF ILLEGALS NEEDING FREE HEALTH CARE?’

 4.  “SUPPOSE A 17-YEAR OLD IS ON LINE TO VOTE, BUT HE’S READING DR. SEUSS.”

 3.  “WITHOUT 400 MILLION NEW MAIL-IN BALLOTS, HOW WILL WE EVER SAVE THE POST OFFICE?”

 2.  “HARVESTING?  CAN WE GET SOME AG SUBSIDIES FOR MY STATE?”

…and the NUMBER ONE ARGUMENT HEARD in SUPPORT of H.R.1 on the HOUSE FLOOR THIS WEEK is…

1. “IF A PRISONER ON DEATH ROW CAN GET A $1,400 STIMULUS CHECK, WHY SHORE HE CAN VOTE!”

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10.  $​16​ million to monitor the meetings, whereabouts, communications and statements of former President Trump​, just like the old days.​

 9. $3 million to replicate Nancy Pelosi’s ​designer ​San Francisco freezer in her Washington office.

 8.  $1.1 billion for 13 new Gulfstream G-700 private jets, to enable Biden administration leaders and environmentalists to bypass commercial airline delays when ​rush​ing​ to​ climate change confere​nces​.

 7. $250,000 for a solar powered, portable, water-proof microphone​ system​ for US Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY)​,​ so he can issue​ constant​ pronouncements to media​,​ 24/7.

 6.  $6 million for additional “nuclear footballs,” to be issued at the discretion of Vice President Harris.

 5.  ​ $2.1 billion for pogo sticks to enable female varsity athletes to compete with biological males (made necessary by passage of the “Equality Act”).

 4. $500,000 for new business suits for Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY).

 3.  $3.2 billion in “stimulus” checks for felons confined to prison  (oh, wait….   the House bill actually DOES include this!).

 2.  Addendum to the $100 million towards a BART tunnel to serve billionaires in Silicon Valley: ​ $900 million earmarked for a high speed, light-rail tunnel connecting K Street lobbying firms with the US Senate Majority Leader’s suites.

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER-KNOWN ITEM in the $1.9 TRILLION “STIMULUS” BILL is:

 1. “Fiscal impact” clause ​in bill ​states​ that total costs “may not exceed $1.9 trillion, or $40 gazillion, whichever is more…”

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10. “What the &%$# is going on here?       -At breakfast in his mansion, the Governor senses that the oatmeal has arrived at 103 degrees, not the required 104.5.

 9. “You have not felt my wrath. I can ruin your life…..    ​Just kidding​, Mom.”

  8. “If we can just get the rich to ‘contribute’ a bit more, we can fully fund the governor’s mansion staff, and a new fleet of state choppers and limos.”

 7. “Sure, Chris, my brutha:   I am single and ready to mingle.   Does CNN have a “Heartless Bachelor” reality show?”

 6. “Who made this guy an arbiter of morality?”   — Andr​e​w reacts to the Cardinal’s legislative agenda.

 5.  “As I move about, from Buffalo to Long Island, I frequently communicate with my subjects.”

  4. “This &#$% pool is over-chlorinated.”   – The Governor takes some free time on the mansion grounds.

 3. “Assemblyman, how about we take a nice, long drive over the Mario M. Cuomo Bridge, if you get my meaning?”

 2. “Look it up.  No governor has ever been impeached while clutching his Emmy award.” 

…and the NUMBER ONE QUOTE OVERHEARD at the GOVERNOR’S MANSION in ALBANY, New York THIS WEEK is:

 1.”How could I have the time to kill all those people?  I was busy writing my book on leadership.”

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10. “Equity” — In most instances, the opposite of equal opportunity.

 9. “Health Care”  — Terminating life in utero, and even after​ live birth​.

 8. “Gun Safety”   —  Mandatory “buy backs” for non-criminals.

 7. “Circle back”    — We will provide the information you requested, like maybe, but on our schedule, not yours.

 6. “Pandemic relief”  —   Necessary trillions to subsidize $100,000+ government pensions in NY, CAL and ILL;  funeral costs for illegals who expire on US soil; renovating the Kennedy Center; and more fun Solyndra projects!

 5.  “Retraining”   —  Eventually, you can build solar panels in a faraway state, at a fraction of the construction job salary we just terminated.

 4. “Fair share”  —  Dude, you’re working for us now.   And do you really need that second property or your own BMW?

 3.  “Climate change”  — An existential threat to humankind, requiring fleets of private jets and stretch limousines to reverse.

 2.  “Voter suppression”  —  Calling for identification and signatures prior to certifying a citizen’s right to vote.  In close elections, suppression can be triggered by a forecast of cloudy weather.

…and the TOP WATCHWORDS for the BIDEN ERA are….

 1. “Constructive engagement” – Apology Tour 2021 begins with sending taxpayer billions to the mullahs in Iran, in exchange for platitudes about nuclear research and a case of stuffed grape leaves.

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10. ​ “OK, ​so ​Dad promised that the family wouldn’t cash in on him being president.   ​He winked, grinned and whispered​,​ ‘​Ceptin’ ​his​ book​!​​’​” 

​ 9.​ “Mr. Xi was so friendly to me and Dad.   His friends gave me $2 billion, and never even asked for a resume.”

  8. “With the right chemical enhancement, even a farm in Delaware can seem like Times Square.”

  7. “Taxiing in on Air Force One is an even better sales tool than getting embossed business cards.” 

6. “How come the Vice President is always chuckling around Dad?” 

5. “With all the scratch we’re pulling in from influence peddling, I’m getting nervous about Dad’s tax hikes.” 

4. “Iran looks like it’s coming around.   Can you spell p-a-y-d-a-y for Uncle Hunter?

 3. “Uncle Jim made more off Dad’s name than me, but nobody cares.” 

2. “Suddenly, even on Linked In, the name Biden is an aphrodisiac.”​

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVANCE EXCERPT FROM HUNTER’S “MEMOIR” is:

1. “Our First Lady is so amazing.   At the end of the family vacation last year, she told me I no longer had to use ‘Dr.’ Biden.   From here on, it’s ‘Professor’ Biden!”

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10.  Executive Order #28:  “Questions from media at White House press briefings must first be published in the Federal Register.”

 9.  E.O. # 59:  “President Trump’s order to make defacing or destroying monuments and statues on Federal property a felony is hereby rescinded.”

 8.  E.O. #60:   “Defacing or destroying monuments and statues on Federal property is henceforth ‘to be frowned upon.'”

 7.  E.O. # 117:  “If you like all the free stuff you are getting, you can keep all the free stuff you are getting.”

 6. E.O. # 62:  “Construction on the Keystone Pipeline is halted immediately.  Title to the existing pipeline is hereby transferred to the U.S. Olympic Luge Team.”

 5. E.O. # 37:  “Department and agency heads take note: all references to ‘Project Warp Speed’ will be deleted and replaced with the preferred:  ‘Biden Vaccine.'”

 4.  E.O. # 71:    “Recognizing the importance of Delaware as a retreat and oasis for this president, press avails in that state will be limited to questions on ice cream flavors.”

 3. E.O. # 23:    “Individuals able to prove they have crossed the U.S. border illegally will be properly welcomed with Medicaid cards and housing vouchers.”

 2.  E.O. #  47:   “Federal employees failing to utilize Dr. Jill Biden’s title appropriately will be eligible for transfer to Plum Island, NY and Thule Air Force Base, Greenland.”

…and the Number One lesser known Executive Order signed by Joseph Biden in January is:

1.  E.O. # 29:  “The ‘nuclear football’ will be assigned to the Vice President, and is approved for use at her discretion in the U.S. Senate.”

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10. PRESIDENT OFFERS OLIVE BRANCH OF UNITY,​ PLUS ​LOTS OF FREE STUFF

 9. GOVERNMENT OF CANADA OUTRAGED IN BIDEN’S FIRST HOURS, BEATING TRUMP’S STANDARD BY MONTHS

 8. WHEW!  PRESIDENT MAKES IT THROUGH SPEECH, SORT OF

 7. AT INAUGURAL BREAKFAST, SCHUMER, PELOSI WOW AUDIENCE WITH ROLLICKING MALAPROPS

 6. BIDEN, INFORMED OF WELL-WISHES FROM SUGA, MACRON, CONTE, MODI, JOHNSON, MERKEL AND TRUDEAU, ASKS “WHICH ONE DELIVERS?”

 5. PROGRESSIVES APPLAUD GIFT OF NUCLEAR FOOTBALL TO VICE PRESIDENT​ HARRIS​

 4. SENSING SECURITY RISK, SECRET SERVICE EMBARRASSES NEW PRESIDENT BY TACKLING CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL DURING CEREMONY

 3. CHECKING OUT HIS DIGS, NEW SENATOR MAKES FIRST OFFICE  CALL TO RAUL CASTRO

 2. COULD BIDEN’S EXECUTIVE ORDER ON GENDER MEAN THAT MS. HARRIS MIGHT NOT BE THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT?

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THIS WEEK is:

1.MIXING METAPHORS, PRESIDENT SHUTS DOWN PIPELINE IN ORDER TO COMBAT WHITE SUPREMACY

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10.  “Shirtless guys in Viking helmets will be seated over there, sir.”

 9.  “….Yeah, OK, I do sort-of swear to consider defending​, like,​ the Constitution…”

 8.   “Dr. Biden, I mean Jill honey: what is more, a trillion or a gazillion?”

 7. “Here’s the claim check for your body armor, ma’am…”

 6.   “No, we weren’t kidding about free health care for illegals.”

 5.   “The people have spoken.  Now they will get what they voted for, good and hard.” **

 4.    “Ask not what your country can do for you…  simply track the status of your direct deposits.”

 3.   “Where’s Melania?”   –former President William J. Clinton

 2.   “Wow, here’s another 45,000 votes from Georgia.”

…and the NUMBER ONE PHRASE CERTAIN to be UTTERED at the INAUGURATION CEREMONIES is…

 1. “No Kamala, this is Joseph’s time to speak.”

** With thanks to H. L. Mencken…

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10.  Kamala will publicly refer to “my administration” at least five times.

 9.  Shockingly, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will ​not ​be photographed seated next to Dennis Rodman.

 8.  ​Exactly zero mainstream news organization​s ​​​will report ​comprehensively​ on​ ​Biden family influence-peddling.

 7.  Hillary Clinton will plead for a pardon​ from a president, any president.​

 6. To avoid commenting on Columbus Day, the Biden administration will declare “Free Health Care for Illegals Week.”

 5.  Mayor Bill DeBlasio will commence snoring during one of his own speeches.

 4.  ​Newly appointed “Climate Czar” John Kerry will utilize private jets and gas guzzling vehicles to speed him to vital “climate change” conferences.​

 3.   During January 20th inaugural ceremonies, Bill Clinton will resume ogling Melania Trump.

 2. Joseph Biden WILL hold one news conference without a teleprompter or family member at his side.   ​(Sorry, no questions, though.​)​

…and the NUMBER ONE PREDICTIONS for 2021 is:

 1. Perhaps accidentally, new Domestic Affairs counselor Susan Rice will tell the truth.

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10.  Sure, she is unrepentant. But be a champ and issue a pardon to Hillary…   (President Trump)

 9.  Figure out how to finagle free golf at Mar-a-Lago…    (former President Obama)

 8.   By Easter for sure, show up one morning at work…  (Mayor Bill DeBlasio) 

7.  Try not to leer in anticipation when Mr. Biden stumbles…    (Kamala)

 6.   Show up at the Holland Tunnel to wave bye-bye to all the New Yorkers escaping your taxes and gun laws…  (Gov. Andrew Cuomo) 

5.   Offer North Korean luxury vehicles in exchange for NBA franchise…  (Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un) 

 4. On the Inauguration grandstand, a stethoscope will make a truly memorable fashion accessory.  (“Dr.” Jill Biden) 

3.   Now’s as good a time as any to re-train all editors and reporters in the principles of even-handed journalism…   (the editors of the New York Times) 

2.   Never drift more than 10 feet from the teleprompter…    (Joseph Biden) 

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTIONS for 2021 is…

1.  Purchase a Hollywood-caliber fake beard for those evenings when you simply must dine at a fine restaurant...   (Gov. Gavin Newsom)  

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On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – A tax hike for you and for me.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

     – Two Georgia Senators.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

   – Three softball questions.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

  – Four screeching Marxists.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

   – F-i-i-ve jus- tice – es.

– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

    – Six ​Swallwell escorts.​

– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

   – Seven abandoned laptops.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

  – Eight righteous pardons.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

 – Nine Space Force Guardians.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

  – Ten Biden interview​s.

​On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

 – Eleven Commies spying.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

 -Twelve million mail votes.​

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10. “Thanks for nuthin,”  – President Trump to seven SCOTUS justices

 9.  “Here’s Morocco for Ya’,”  – Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu

 8.  “Honey, where are those files you borrowed? XX “  –   Congressman Eric Swallwell to Fang-Fang, ​ trusted ​agent of Communist China

 7.  “May you get all treats and no tricks this month.”   — putative President Joseph Biden

 6.  “We will deliver Medicare-for-All, higher taxes and crazy spending, unless an offensive, vile video interrupts us.”   — future Domestic Policy Council chair Susan Rice

 5.   “Feliz Navidad to my loyal subjects.  With no gasoline available, we sure are delivering on our Paris “emissions ​target​s.”    ​– Venezuelan​Comandante Nicolas Maduro

 4. ​”Dear Occupant: here are 20 more unsolicited paper ballots for the December 5th run-offs, just for you.   If you would like an additional supply, just call.” — Stacey Abrams

 3.  ​ “Dear students and all university staff,  Let us celebrate our cherished, secular winter solstice holidays in one of the many ‘Safe Spaces’ on our beloved campus.”                                    – Same message tapped by over 100 college presidents

 2.  “Dear Joseph, may 2021 bring you all the health and cognition you deserve. Reach out if my administration can do anything at all for you.”                                     – Kamala

…and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS or HANNUKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:

​ 1.   “Thank you in advance for the expected resumption of  holiday “gratuities.”    Nevertheless, death to America.”                                                                     -Iranian President Hassan Rouhani

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10. “All I Want for Christmas is Real News”   —   White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEneny

 9. “Mistletoe Me”  —   Bill Clinton

 8. “Feliz Michigan”  — Gov. Gretchen Whitmer toasts the 10,000 deceased Detroiters who voted last month

 7. “Run Run Rudolph”   —  Chuck Berry III in wonderment at the former mayor’s apparent simultaneous presence in Atlanta, Philadelphia, Las Vegas, Milwaukee and Atlanta.

 6. “Rockin’ Around the Dominion Machine” – Stacey Abrams choreographs a Nutcracker ballet with a “voter suppression” theme

 5. “Grandpa Got Run Over by the Fake News”  — Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow and Chuck Todd don red suits

 4. “All I Want for Christmas is Joe”  – Xi Jinping and the Central Committee

 3. “Ballots Roasting O’er an Open Fire”   -Wisconsin Governor Evers keeps warm with votes exceeding actual local populations

 2. “O Come all Ye Faithful” – through voice track mixing, Congresswoman Ocasio and Commandante Maduro beckon lovers of ​expanding​ deep state powers..

…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY SONG WE’D LIKE to HEAR is:

1. “I’m Dreaming of a White Supremacist”  —  The White House Press Corps Chorale

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​10.​  Home Alone III  —  ​In the padded b​asement of ​his​ Delaware mansion​, young Joseph teams with his devoted media friends to thwart any probing or disturbing question from reaching​ his innocent ears.​

9.  ​Miracle on “K” Street — D.C.’s Lobbyists Given the Best ​Gift​ Imaginable

 8.  We’re No Angels II — Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Jerrold Nadler and Hakeem Jeffries finally admit they lied about the Russia Hoax. 

7.  Donald Saves Christmas —  Using his business smarts, the American president presses his aides and the finest private sector scientists in the world to deliver life saving vaccines in months, not years. 

6. Nightmare Before Christmas II  —  A disturbing 10,000 Michiganders rise from the dead to cast live votes for Joseph Biden. 

5. Scrooged II  —  Ebenezer Ocasio-Cortez learns a harsh Yuletide lesson when she calls 911 after defunding the NYPD, only to hear this recording:  “Press 1 for a social worker’s voice mail.” 

4.  It’s a Wonderful Life II –  Initially despondent in snowy Bedford Hills, Andrew McCabe, James Comey, Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Christopher Steele are re-assured there would have been no FISA-driven spying, no Russian hoax, and no impeachment without their determined efforts.

 3. Gremlins II  –  The only plausible explanation for “weighting”  Joseph Biden votes more than Don Trump ballots. 

2. National Lampoon’s Christmas STAYcation  — Santa finally meets his match as Andrew Cuomo, Gavin Newsom and Philip Murphy succeed in terminating the Yuletide season.

…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY MOVIE WE’D LIKE to SEE is:

​1. Elf II — While hosting an hour-long “Town Hall,” ABC’s George Stephanopoulos ​gift-wraps a present for Joseph Biden in the form of ZERO challenging questions.

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10. As you know, Governor Cuomo limits family gatherings to ten people.   You are the 11th to arrive.

  9. Could you pass the turkey and stuffing, made possible by the most vibrant economy in world history?

  8. Who’s that cute friend you brought?  Ya’ think she unmasks on the first date?

  7. The governor says that laughing is forbidden.   It could lead to dancing.  Yeah, that’s illegal too.

  6. Do you think Melania will be cooking next year?

  5. ‘Ceptin’ the Jello-mold, we personally hunted for all this food.

  4.  So, what does the Squad actually say about Thanksgiving?  

  3. The Pilgrims sailed for 3 months, and there was no canned cranberry sauce?

  2.   Are those real mashed potatoes, or are they corrupted, like voting in Philly or Detroit?

…and the NUMBER ONE DIVERSIONARY REMARK, to AVOID DISCUSSING POLITICS at the THANKSGIVING TABLE is…

  1.  All of our bathrooms are gender-neutral, of course.

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​10.​ “The cash from China actually went to ​‘​Dr.​‘​ Jill, not to Joseph.”

​ 9.​ “At least nobody’s said anything about those photos Hunter has on the computer.”

​  8. ​“Kamala didn’t really mean ‘the riots will continue.'”

​  7. ​“Joseph is asking if he can monetize fracking in his own basement.  Then, he will reveal his position on fracking after the election.”

​ 6. ​ ” Whaddya mean, no experience?”

​ 5. ​  “What the Pope meant to say is….”

 4.   “Senator Harris did not intend to bail out looters in Minneapolis.  She intended to buy a gift card at Hooters in St. Paul.”

 3.  “The former Vice President firmly believes that if you like your Ukrainian energy company, you can keep your Ukrainian energy company.”

 2. “After careful consideration,  I really have no objection to a Catholic being a judge.”

…and the NUMBER ONE “REQUIRED” LATE OCTOBER EXPLANATION is:

 1.  “Mr. Biden has a plan where all the jobs lost in oil & gas will be replaced by new positions installing the wind turbines we are building.  Now, the job might be in a different time zone.”

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10.  Mr. Vice President:   Right now, would you prefer a 3-minute massage from me, or four more warm, softball questions in a row?

 9.  Candidates:  If elected, which of your family members would be discouraged from making deals with foreign governments?

 8. Candidates:  Quickly now, what is your best guess as to how many more Americans would have died without the bans on travel from China and Europe?

 7. Candidates: will you commit right now to donating your presidential salary to charity?

 6.  Gentlemen, should Twitter and Facebook allow posts from the Iranian government, while censoring investigative reports from the New York Post and other American news organizations?

 5,  Mr. Vice President, are the police still the “enemy” in your mind?

 4. Mr. President:   What looks better to you at this moment, more questions on white supremacy, masks and your taxes, or a shot to the knee​cap ​from a low-caliber pistol?

 3. Hey Mr. Biden: more than once, you said you’d like to take the President “behind the gym.”  Whadda ya say right here and now, tough guy?

 2.  Sirs, the US Supreme Court has operated with nine justices for 150 years.  Should that number be expanded?​  Please answer in one sentence, prior to the election.​

…and the NUMBER ONE “LIGHTNING ROUND” QUESTION AMERICANS WANT to HEAR from the MODERATOR in the FINAL DEBATE is:

1. Mr. President, you moved from New York to Florida, primarily for tax reasons.  Mr. Vice President, your friend Andrew is Governor of New York.   If your Federal tax plan is enacted​, successful people in New York, California and New Jersey  will pay more than 60% in income taxes.   Is that what you consider “their fair share?”   Yes or no, from both of you, please…

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10.  HILLARY CLINTON E-MAILS REVEAL AS MANY AS 40 LIKELY FELONIES COMMITTED BY FORMER SECRETARY

 9.  PLOT TO KIDNAP MICHIGAN GOVERNOR ​LED BY​ ANTI-TRUMP ZEALOTS

 8.  CHINA’S XI OPENLY EXPRESSES SUPPORT FOR DEMOCRATIC NOMINEES, WONT COMMENT ON INVOLVEMENT IN U.S. ELECTIONS

 7.  JUDGE BARRETT NOW EXPECTED TO LOSE SOME SENATE​ DEMOCRAT​ VOTES FOR BEING “TOO BORING”

 6. SPEAKER PELOSI UNABLE TO​ RECITE HOUSE RULES ​FOR​ REMOV​ING​ A SPEAKER WHO IS “UNABLE TO EXECUTE” HER ​DUTIES​

 5.  BIDEN WILL ANNOUNCE HIS POSITION ON NUDE ADS FEATURING HOLLYWOOD SUPPORTERS “AFTER THE ELECTION”

 4.  SENATOR HARRIS OVERHEARD BY REPORTER, RE-ASSURING MR. BIDEN “IT IS O.K. TO STAY IN THE BASEMENT” TODAY

 3.   SECRET PHOTOGRAPH FROM NORTH KOREA REVEALS “HILLARY’S REVENGE” LOGO ON NEW ICBM MISSILE 

 2.  RARE AGREEMENT BETWEEN CUOMO AND DeBLASIO: RELEASING VIOLENT CRIMINALS HAS NO IMPACT ON CRIME

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE SEEING THIS WEEK is:

1.   PRESIDENT REJECTS “VIRTUAL” DEBATE, BUT REMAINS SILENT ON POTENTIAL CAGE MATCH

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10. Responses from the incumbent will be delivered in writing, and read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

  9. After a candidate interrupts his opponent a second time, moderator may call for a mixed-martial arts cage match.

  8. Through the magic of television, any candidate invoking the term “white supremacist” will himself be fitted with a virtual white hood.

  7.  The challenger shall be afforded a stand-by teleprompter, in the event his earpiece fails.

  6.  There will be no references to “nap time” during any intermissions.

  5.  Since one debate moderator will be a Biden advocate and former intern, final debate will be hosted by Jared Kushner.

  4.  To appear more presidential, both candidates will be required to wear top hats.

  3.  Any candidate who works in a quote from James Madison or Alexander Hamilton will be awarded $50, presented by a descendent of  “You Bet Your Life” host Groucho Marx.

  2. Debaters must provide the costs to taxpayers for any new government spending they advocate.  Lie detectors will be readied.

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW RULE from the COMMISSION on PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is:

  1.  Candidates will arrive in wrestling team Spandex — just in case.

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10.   “Say It.   Say it, NOW Joe… I am not a socialist!”   (Say it every 3 minutes, your turn or not…)

 9.  “We could have saved every life if you just did your job!”  Biden:  “What’s the job, again?”

 8.  “His name is CHRIS Wallace, not George Wallace.”

 7.  “My son Hunter isn’t the one running for mayor….   I mean president.”

 6.  “Joe, your zipper’s open!   Just kiddin’… gotta keep you loose, fella.”

 5.  Tell them: “You can keep your doctor!”

 4.  “We’ll get those monies by taxing the billionaire class, except for Bloomberg, Steyer, Soros and Bezos.”

 3.  “It’s great to be here in OHIO.   That’s OHIO, Joe.”

 2.    “Barack Obama was articulate and CLEAN, Joe…   not MEAN, sir.” 

…and the NUMBER ONE DEBATE TIP PIPED in to JOSEPH BIDEN’S HIDDEN EAR PIECE this TUESDAY is:

 1.  “And when I am president, every illegal will get free health care and we’ll ship planeloads of cash to the terrorists in Iran.”

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Can you guess which six are actual college courses, and which four have been invented by your editor? Read on….

​10.​ “Gender in Gaming  “

​ 9.  ​“Eco/Queer/ Feminist Art Practices”

​ 8. ​  “Unsettling Whiteness”

​ 7.​  “Mike Pence and Joseph Goebbels:  The Eery Parallels”​ (Condensed Graduate Seminar)​

​ 6.​  “Kamala Harris:  a Joan of Arc for Our Times”

​ 5. ​ “Latinx Sexual Dissidence and Guerilla Translation”

​ 4.​ “Queering Childhood”

​ 3.  ​“Humanity or Nah?  Blackness, Gender, Resistance, and Memory in Monuments, Maps and Archives”

​ 2.  ​”Homophobia and Capitalism:  The Road to Exploitation and Genocide”

…and the NUMBER ONE “MOST WOKE” COURSE BEING OFFERED at UNIVERSITIES this SEMESTER is:

 1.  “A Survey of NAMBLA and its Iconoclastic Roots Over the Millenia”​

The real courses are: # 10, 9, 8, 5, 4 and 3 are ACTUAL COURSES. The fake courses are # 7,6, 2 and 1. Here are the references to the actual courses:

10. University of Illinois (ENGL 277)

9. University of Michigan (WOMENSTD 434)

8. Northwestern University (AFAMST 339)

5. Davidson College (LAS 394)

4. Pomona College (GWS 142)

3. Brown University (GNSS 1061)

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10. Mr. Trump, if re-elected, how rapidly will you move this nation toward pure fascism?

 9. Mr. Biden, what powers of persuasion did you deploy to turn Senator Harris into such a starry-eyed enthusiast of yours?

 8. Mr. President, would a million COVID deaths be acceptable to you? 

7. Joe, based on the experience he’s gained in Ukraine and China, do you agree that Hunter has the “creds” to be our Secretary of State? 

6. Sir, haven’t your comments from the White House podium stoked the righteous passions of all those peaceful protesters? 

5. Mr. Vice President, why is it so important for you to condemn Antifa or BLM rioters?   Nobody’s ever asked you to denounce Hitler or Charles Manson, have they? 

4.  Mr. Trump, why is your opponent wrong for merely opposing racism and demanding safety for all Americans? 

3. The policy of the Democratic platform and elected leaders across the nation is to allow abortion right up to the moment of birth.  Joe, you’re a good Catholic, aren’t you? 

2. Mr. President, your mother emigrated from Scotland.    How can you hate immigrants? 

…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION THAT CAN DEMONSTRATE “MODERATOR FAIRNESS” in the UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…

1.  Joe…   Joe…  (Hey, will someone wake this guy up??)   I’m only trying to ask you a leading, softball question.

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10. Joe, if I may be so bold, many observers believe that Mr. Trump won’t leave the White House voluntarily.   What are your thoughts?

9. Mr. Vice President, your hair plugs seem well-tuned up for this election campaign.   Would you agree that such a vital medical procedure should be covered by Medicare?

8.  Boxers or briefs?   Please don’t let our minds run wild.

7. Once you are elected, what should we call your Delaware mansion’s basement?   The Eastern White House?  The Subterranean Shrine of the Oracle?

6. Isn’t it true that you did take that cognitive ability test, and now you are officially “Mensa-light?”

  5. Sir, when you and Senator Harris gaze into each other’s eyes, do you attain a sense of mind-melding?

4. Could you repeat that for the camera, Joseph?  You really are against rioting, killing and even looting, correct?

3. Was it your strong Catholic faith that enabled you to forgive Kamala for her campaign attacks ?

2. For which country would Hunter be the ideal ambassador: China or Ukraine?

…and the NUMBER ONE HARD-HITTING QUESTION JOSEPH BIDEN MAY be ASKED THIS WEEK by REPORTERS is:

1. Is there any world issue for which you don’t have a detailed plan, sir?

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10. CUOMO CLAIMS THE “REPUBLICAN” CDC URGED COVID-19 PATIENTS INTO NURSING HOMES.   THEN ADDS, “SCIENCE SHOULD BE NON-POLITICAL.”

 9. ​STANDING BEFORE A CITY ABLAZE, ​CNN ANCHOR ​REFER​S TO ​“​PEACEFUL PROTESTS​” ​IN KENOSHA​.​

 8. BIDEN WON’T CONFIRM OR DENY THAT CHINESE INTERESTS HELPED HIM TO PURCHASE LARGEST MANSION IN DELAWARE.​

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT THEN TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNS TO BASEMENT.

 7.   GOVERNOR OF OREGON SEES NO REASON WHY “ARSON SHOULD BE A CRIME.”

 6.  BIDEN SAYS HE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO ​THE ​REBATES.    “DR.” JILL WHISPERS, ​“​THOSE ARE DEBATES, HONEY.​“

 5.  “KILLER CUOMO” ​ RECOILS AT NEW NICKNAME, BUT INSISTS ​“​ANY AND ALL​“​ INFECTED PERSONS SHOULD BE RE-DIRECTED TO NURSING HOMES

 4.  BIDEN REPEATS ATTACK THAT BANNING FLIGHTS FROM EUROPE AND CHINA WAS “XENOPHOBIC.”   AIDES THEN PRONOUNCE AND DEFINE THE WORD FOR HIM.

 3.  SENATOR HARRIS ATTACKS TRUMP FOR ‘180,000’ DEATHS.   POINTS TO GOV. CUOMO’S ‘GREAT JOB’ WITH NURSING HOMES.

  2. AS THOUSANDS FLEE HIS CITY, MAYOR DeBLASIO SAYS ​”​WE NEED TO REDISTRIBUTE THE WEALTH OF THOSE TRAPPED IN MY CLUTCHES.”

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE YOU MAY HAS MISSED DURING the LAST TWO WEEKS of CONVENTION COVERAGE is…

 1.  PRESIDENT PROMISES RETURN TO BOOMING FREE ECONOMY AS MEDIA, DEMOCRATS DENOUNCE “DARK, DYSTOPIAN” VISION.

(Editor’s Note: On August 24th, the 10AM “edition” of the TOP TEN actually featured the August 17th TOP TEN list. The 12 Noon version offered the correct August 24th version. If you are unsure if you received both the August 17th and 24th TOP TEN list, simply scroll below…)

********

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10.  Police who are defunded will also be subject to a 50% marginal income tax rate.

 9. The US-Mexico Border Wall shall feature swinging doors, moving walkways and welcome centers with Michelin-starred chefs.

  8.  Cities that experience 20% increases in murders will be eligible to tap a $5 billion Federal pool to hire social workers.

 7. Milwaukee, the host city of the Democrat convention, will be returned to the Chippewa Nation.

 6. Public and private higher education will be billed to the taxpayers, except at faith-affiliated institutions.

 5. Women who have never undergone an abortion will be “referred” to culturally-appropriate Federal re-education camps.

 4. A massive new program within the U.S. Export-Import Bank will be be known as  “Hunter Biden Capital.”

 3.  Failure to refer to Mrs. Joseph Biden as “Dr. Biden” will trigger an automatic 120 hours of community service.

 2.  The “public option” Indian Health Service is an “unmitigated disaster.”    Therefore, Democrats demand a public option for the entire country.

…and the NUMBER ONE LITTLE KNOWN PLANK in the 2020 DEMOCRAT NATIONAL PLATFORM is:

1.  Having already experienced the trauma of expiration, the deceased should not be “suppressed” from voting by this Administration.

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10. “ANTIFA: Good….. Little Sisters of the Poor: Bad.”    –Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler (D)

 9.  “The CHOICE Roundtable (that’s for Abortionists, not for school children)    — AFT Chair Randi Weingarten

 8. “JFK:  White Supremacist.”   – Cong. Ilhan Omar  (D-Minn).

 7.  “Police Don’t Deserve Qualified Immunity….   but I sure do.”   – Sen. Kamala Harris accepts VP nomination 

 6.  “No, you can’t keep your doctor.  Get over it!”  – remarks by Cong. Ra​shida​ Tlaib (D-MI)

 5.  “No Experience Necessary” (How to Profit from a Biden White House) – genius entrepreneur Hunter Biden

 4. “Make ​everyone else​ pay their fair share in taxes.”    –   ​Q & A with​ legendary tax cheat Rev. Al Sharpton

 3. “How Crystals Could Revitalize Joseph Biden’s Mental Capacity”   – with Marianne Williamson

 2.  “Imagine There’s No Israel” (Take the Democratic Socialists “pledge”)  – Cong. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) (& Video Hook Up with Mahmoud Abbas in the Palestinian Territory).

…and the NUMBER ONE SESSION NOT-to-MISS at this WEEK’S DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION is…

1. “Where the Hell am I, man?”   –  Joseph Biden’s speech accepting the presidential nomination

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10. “When Joe checked out these biceps, he cried ‘uncle.'”                                                 -Michelle Obama

 9.  ” No, Joe.   I am your running mate, not the Avon person.”                                                -US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

 8.  “Joe picked me because of a scurrilous video.”                                              – Susan Rice, former National Security Advisor

 7. “When I am your vice president, absolutely no one, in any of our 50 states….        … will be able to buy house paint.”                                            -Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer

 6. “We will not stand by and let those Republicans suppress the votes of the departed.” –Former GA State Legislator Stacey Abrams

 5. “To pay for free health care for illegals, here’s my zippy new wealth tax.”                                           -US Senator Elizabeth Warren

 4. “I just can’t wait to be your Vice Commandante.” -Congresswoman Karen Bass

 3. “As vice president, Joe will let me oversee the critical ‘more free stuff’ give-aways we are planning.”                                             -US Senator Tammy Duckworth

 2. “I am prepared to be your president if the need arises.   In the meantime, I will be the very best caregiver.”  – US Senator Kamala Harris

…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-WRITTEN LINE for THOSE EXPECTING a VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION is:

 1. “He may not realize that I’m his running mate, but give me a few days.”                                             -Generic comment approved for multiple candidates

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10.  Senator Kamala Harris…   nice girl, never gave me any lip.

 9.  I always liked that name, “Stacey.”  She’s really accomplished, right?

 8. I’ve already got the Native American vote, but what the heck?

 7.  Wasn’t Sarah Palin vice president already?

 6.  How about a transgender who’s “articulate, bright, clean and nice looking?”

 5.   Diane Feinstein doesn’t seem old to me at all…

 4.  So Sen. Kirsten Sinema is bi-sexual.   It’s 1996, man…

 3.  That woman who was National Security Advisor…  Frances Perkins, right?

 2.  Suppose I picked a ​male​ named Leslie, Taylor, Pat, Ricki, Jamie or Madison?

…and the NUMBER ONE “NOTE to SELF” SEEN on JOSEPH BIDEN’S “RUNNING MATES” MEMO PAD is:

1. Alright, ​​Karen Bass idolizes Fidel Castro.   Tell me again, is he King of Spain or something?

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10. “OK, SO HE’S NEVER CREATED A JOB…”

 9. “MAYBE, JUST MAYBE…   YOU COULD KEEP YOUR DOCTOR…”

 8. “AS WASHINGTON CROSSED THE DELAWARE, BIDEN PEERED OUT FROM HIS BASEMENT…”

 7. “EVEN IF HE KNEW ABOUT SPYING ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN, HE’S FORGOTTEN SINCE THEN…”

 6. “’DEFUND THE POLICE’ MEANS WE CAN AFFORD MORE SWEETHEART DEALS FOR BIDEN FAMILY MEMBERS…”

5. “IF YOU LIKE THIS SHUTDOWN, YOU’LL LOVE JOE’S GREEN NEW DEAL!”

 4.  “TRULY, FRIENDS: HE IS PLAGIARIZING A LOT LESS THAN HE USED TO…”

 3.  “I WOULD NEVER STEAL WHITE HOUSE FURNITURE LIKE THE CLINTONS…  A FEW CHEVY SUBURBANS…    MAYBE.”

 2.  “MY VICE PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT STATE WE ARE IN…”

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVERTISING THEME BEING CONSIDERED by the JOSEPH BIDEN CAMPAIGN is:

1. “IN CHINA, WHILE JOE WAS GABBING, HUNTER WAS GRABBING…”

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 ​10.  I​n a 6-3 decision written by Justice Gorsuch, employment discrimination against LGBTQ individuals was struck down, based on a new interpretation of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.   

However, in a show of hands, all nine justices agreed that, in the workplace, show tunes ought never to be played above 102 decibels.  

​ 9.​  About ten feet from the Court’s official 2020 photo location, neatly draped over a chair, is one pair of men’s trousers.

​ 8.  ​Following the court’s 5-4 “McGirty v. Oklahoma” decision, ​ recogniz​ing the sovereignty of the Lakota & Cherokee nations, nine free passes to the Dancing Bear Casino arrived by courier from ​a Tulsa address.

​ 7. ​  Upholding the First Amendment’s freedom of religion clause, the Court’s “Little Sisters of the Poor v. Pennsylvania” decision enshrined the right of the Catholic nuns to avoid compulsion to provide benefits for what they consider to be sinful activity.   

In the ladies’ restroom at the court, there was gratuitous graffitto ​comparing the sisters​ to that Sally Field character.  

 6.  In the Justices’ Dining Room, a “bong” stained with lipstick was found near the microwave.

​ 5. ​With many arguments before the court taking place by telephone and “Zoom,” ​during one appeal, ​an unidentified voice referred to a  justice as “an over-educated twerp.”

 4.  The “Barr v. American Association of Political Consultants” decision concluded that robocalls for political causes and debt collection were protected free speech. 

However, two justices admitted, during oral argument, that they had personally stalked and threatened debt collectors.

 3.  A little known decision that strengthens officials’ ability to verify actual, legal residents of the state requires that those on line to vote in Texas must continually dance the two-step.

2.  The mixed ” Vance v. Trump” decision concluded that sitting presidents may be subject to criminal subpoenas, but referred the Congressional quest for the President’s tax records back to lower courts. 

 In his written explanation to the president, the Chief Justice suggested that the most effective way to respond to Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance ​may be a well-executed head lock. 

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE AROUND the U.S. SUPREME COURT BUILDING as this SESSION ENDS is:

 1.  In “Kelmell v. Florida​​,” the court affirmed the long-standing requirement that police ​read the “Miranda rights” to all apprehended persons.   However, police may now inform arrestees about exciting current promotions from Amway, Mary Kay and Avon, as well.

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10. “We’re Hidin’ with Biden.”

9. “This Is Your Summer of Love”

8. ” Here’s the Green New Deal: All Your Flights Home Have Been Cancelled”

7. “More Looting, less Prosecuting”

6. “Win with Sleepy, Creepy and Weepy”   (Biden, Harvey Weinstein & Schumer)

5. “A Convention on Zoom, to Nominate a Loon”

4. “Let’s Vote for Bernie’s Platform Before we Read It”

3. “You May be Able to Keep Your Doctor, Quite Possibly”

2. “No I.C.E., but Lots of Free Stuff”

…and the NUMBER ONE “OFFICIAL THEME” BEING CONSIDERED for the DEMOCRATS’ AUGUST CONVENTION isw:

1. ” Weed, Greed and Lots More Taxes”

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10.  Keep practicing:  “ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh” …   ” ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh…”

 9.  It’s exactly 14 steps up from the basement to the ice maker.  So here’s my 14 point plan where you can actually keep your doctor. 

8. These AOC talking points for halting air travel and gas-powered cars…   That wouldn’t include Air Force One and my limos… would it? 

7. Pull together a plan for ending the Vietnam war. 

6.  Wow, these hair plugs do need a tune-up before my convention speech.  How ’bout rainbow colors? 

5.  How else can I say “tax hike?”   “Contribution?”   “Patriotic gift?”  

4.  Attack Justice Clarence Thomas again. 

3.  What’s my plan if President Trump actually meets me behind that gym? 

2. I can see Hunter as an ambassador, can’t you? 

…and the NUMBER ONE CHECKLIST ITEM for JOSEPH BIDEN this WEEK is:

1. Sure, I’m all for debating.   How about five lightning rounds on the topic of Delaware rest stops?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10.​ “Where’s the shower?”​

9. ​”Thank you, Officer Muldoon.   That IS the guy who stole my I-phone.”

​ 8. ​”Who was that very tall guy in the suit?    His weed was really far-out, man.”​

7. ​”O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light….”​

6. ​ “Oh no, sergeant.   Defund the Police doesn’t mean YOU.”​

5. ​”I’m only here to meet some babes.”​

4.​ “I have to admit, Giuliani’s policies saved about 50,000 black & brown lives in recent decades.”​

3. ​  “What would I need a change of clothes for?”​

2. ​ “My appearance aside,  I was thinking of taking the NYPD entrance exam.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT QUITE UNLIKELY to be HEARD at that “OCCUPY” ENCAMPMENT OUTSIDE CITY HALL in NYC is:

1.   “We ain’t leavin’ until they cut marginal income tax rates.”​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. ” Pelosi​ Pilates​ Lunge”  (for impeachment)

 9.   “​Chuck ​Schumer​ Tai-Chi”  ​(With slow, controlled eastern-inspired motion, the Senate Minority Leader alternates between scowling & high energy bloviating. Triple practice sessions on Sunday when cameras are detected.)

 8. “The Adam Schiff Shuffle”  (Emphatically claim you have evidence of Russian collusion, but never say you’re sorry when proven to be untruthful.)

 7.  “The Di Caprio Dash”  (Leonardo ​sprint​s​ to his private jet​, en route to this week’s climate change symposium​.)

 6.  “The Joe Biden Crawl”   (Up from his basement and over to China…)

 5. “House Bailout Bill bench press”  (Beef up the biceps by pressing a 21-pound [1,800 pages] multi-trillion dollar bill with each arm.)

 4.  The “Jerrold Nadler Promenade”  (Don a frayed suit and carry a bill of impeachment 1/4 mile to the Senate.    Return and repeat.)

 3. “Mayor DeBlasio Run-in-Place news conference”  (Reporters counteract the overwhelming impulse to drift into sound sleep as the Mayor drones on with another 2-hour monologue…  by combining jumping jacks with running-in-place, while re-hydrating with Red Bull.)

 2.  “Pyong Yang Alley-Oop”   (The Supreme Leader of North Korea takes chest-high passes from Dennis Rodman before dunking a basketball on a hoop a full five feet off the ground).

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW FITNESS ROUTINE DEVELOPED DURING IN-HOME LOCKDOWNS is…

1. The “Cuomo (Nursing Home) ​Elliptical​”   (Aerobic hemming-and-hawing, synchronized with two-handed finger pointing at Washington.)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10. ​ ​T​hat​ strangely familiar​ guy in the back of the “Speed Dating” bar party is a former president of the United States.

​ 9. ​With no more Corona virus briefings from Mayor DeBlasio, reporters emerge from NYC City Hall fully alert and awake.

​ 8. ​Protesters advocating a “correct” cause can congregate in crowds, without masks. (No, not YOU, not yet)….

​ 7. ​Joe Biden is spotted in the sunshine, waving to people.   Police soon deliver him back to the family in Wilmington.

 6. Looters pause to apply sun block they’ve just stolen.

 5. Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio emerge from quarantine to hop on their private jets en route to the next Climate Change symposium.

​ 4. ​Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer​‘s husband, Dr. Marc Molloy, manages to avoid​ say​ing ​ “do you have any idea who my wife is?” for ​five whole hours.​

 3. Astronauts return from the space station, only to ask:  “What virus?”

 2. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot no longer feels a need to explain how she “takes her personal hygiene very seriously.”

…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN that YOUR STATE is FINALLY “OPENING UP” is…

 1. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo goes “cruising” in his 1968 GTO convertible, yelling: “I’m available!  I’m available!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.​  “Fraternity Pledge“

9.​  “​Global​ Studies ​honor student​”​

8.​  “​A​ member of Joe Biden’s base”​

7.​  “Concerned Youth”​

6.​ “Our Best and Brightest”​

5.​  “Income Equality Champion”​

4.  “​Ad-Hoc​ ​Gasoline Broker”​

3.​  “Police Brutality opponent”​

2.​  “Human Rights attorney” 

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW MEDIA EUPHEMISM for “LOOTER,” “VANDAL,” “RIOTER,” “ARSONIST,” and ‘GANG-BANGER” is:

1.  “Interim Store Manager”​

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​10.  ​Presidents Trump and Obama share .09% German DNA​.​​ 

9. ​ Joe Biden is a second cousin to malaprop king “Professor” Irwin Corey​.​​ 

8.​  An MSNBC personality discovers he is distantly related to Stalin & Hitler, but responds: “Who?” ​ 

7.​   President Trump, Vice President Pence and actor Jay Silverheels share a common distant ancestor: Geronimo. 

6.  It’s no coincidence that US Senator Bernie Sanders and “Kentucky Colonel” Harlan Sanders share a surname.​ 

5. ​ Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard is a first cousin, thrice removed, of Hillary Clinton. 

4.  CNN’s Jim Acosta is told he is a 5th cousin of William Howard Taft, but asks: “Is he up for re-election?” 

3.  Dan Rather is a long lost nephew of Richard Nixon.

  2.  A re-test may be advised, but former presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke appears to have descended from Bill Clinton.​ 

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING DISCOVERY FROM THOSE HOME-DNA TESTS TAKEN DURING SHUTDOWN is:

1. ​ ​Test after test​, Elizabeth Warren remains zero percent Native American.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  The US Air Force’s new “F-31 Cougar” fighter will somehow be manufactured in Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco district.

 9. If this bill exceeds 1,800 pages, Yosemite National Park’s “El Capitan” will be renamed for Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).

 8.  Residents of foreign birth in “pre-citizenship status” immediately qualify for a $2,400 stimulus check, Food Stamps, a mail-in ballot for November and early admission to Oberlin College (free tuition).

 7. $159 million is appropriated for a new Boeing 787 “Dreamliner,” to shuttle Speaker Pelosi more efficiently to vital climate change rallies.

 6.   $12,500 is appropriated for new suits for Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-Manhattan).

 5.  400 million paper ballots (200 million extra in the event of an “immigration” surge) will be printed in the district of House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC).

 4.  Henceforth, Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib may insist, on the House floor, to be addressed as “highness.” 

 3.  No matter the outcome of the election, $310 million is approved to add likenesses of Michael Avenatti and Joe Biden to Mount Rushmore.

 2.  Of the 6,000 tanks in the Defense Department’s arsenal, 2,500 will be re-purposed to deliver free meals, US grown cannabis and mail-in ballots to low-voting cities and college towns.

…and the NUMBER ONE LITTLE-KNOWN PROVISION IN HOUSE DEMOCRATS’ $3 TRILLION SO-CALLED STIMULUS BILL is…

1. Mere use of the racist term “illegal alien” will be punishable with a 39% marginal income tax rate.

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10. Among likely Joe Biden voters, 34% want him, if elected, to continue operating from his Delaware basement.

 9.  In New Jersey, incumbent U.S. Senator Cory Booker only outpolls Spartacus, 48-45%.

 8.  On Staten Island, NY, 54% of registered voters agree that “Mayor DeBlasio has done more to damage NYC than the virus.”

 7. On the west side of Manhattan, 52% of adults like this “Re-elect Rep. Jerrold Nadler” slogan:

“Our Jerry:  He was impeaching while Wuhan was screeching.”

 6. Fully 62% of Delaware voters want “Senator Chris Coons to do more to assist poor Mr. Biden in his basement.”

5. 71% of self-identified independents believe that “if they debate, Trump will actually put Biden in a headlock.”

 4.   41% of Rhode Islanders are voting to re-elect Senator Jack Reed because they believe he was a Major League outfielder.

 3.  73% of adult Oklahomans support early release for “Tiger King” Joe Exotic….    but only if he is replaced in prison by Hillary.

 2.  Among voters who “support Nancy Pelosi’s $3 trillion stimulus plan,” 62% cannot differentiate among “a trillion, a megazillion and a gazillion” dollars.

.and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING RESULT FROM THIS WEEK’S POLLING RESULTS is

1. A national survey asked 952 respondents about their faith in the “truthfulness of the following list of institutions and individuals”

Percentage of those who believe in the truthfulness of:

         –59%   – Professional wrestling

         –38%   -Lawyers

         –19%    -Speaker Nancy Pelosi

         –15%    -Three-Card Monte sharks

         –11%     -CNN

         —9%     -Michael Avenatti

         —8%     -MSNBC

         —7%      -the New York Times

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10.  By Halloween, Hillary will have figured out how to get paid for “virtual” speeches…

 9.  Environmentalists be danged, Governor Andrew Cuomo will start driving everywhere in his gas-guzzling 1968 GTO.​

8. ​ Joe Biden:  “Why can’t I just get inaugurated right here in the basement?”​

7.  ​President Trump to the White House Press Corps:  “Next time around, no more Mr. Nice Guy.”​

6.  ​Aware of their mortality after months of pandemic, Elizabeth Warren’s brothers confess: “We aren’t Indian at all.”

​ 5. ​Embarrassed by mass snoring, prior to his A.M. briefings​, Mayor deBlasio ​will ​set out a buffet of chilled Red Bull and free “No-Doz”​ for reporters.​ 

4.  ​Michigan “Strongwoman” Governor Gretchen Witmer ​to ​name​ ​Congresswoman Rasheed Tlaib (D-M​I​) as “Director of Re-Education” for the new detention camps ​housing​ disobedient business owners.​

3. ​On his dating profile, Bill Clinton will swear ​to​ abide by social distancing norms for at least 90 minutes. 

2. Following a self-imposed quarantine after the election, Nancy Pelosi will emerge looking mysteriously younger.

…and the NUMBER ONE ASPECT of “NEW NORMAL” LIFE WE CAN EXPECT LATER in 2020 is…

 1. Sign to be seen in front of “progressive” church in Berkeley, California:  ‘WELCOME BACK FROM VIRUS LOCKDOWN!   

Special this Week:    OBEY ANY SIX of the TEN COMMANDMENTS.”

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​10.    Check out Hillary’s “study.”    Isn’t that the furniture she carted out of the White House?

 9.    Gee, you can hear those sounds every time Eric Swallwell is interviewed.

 8.  Isn’t that a 1993 photo of Tara Reade on the credenza behind Joe Biden?

 7.  Wow, I never noticed that “I LOVE AHNOLD” tattoo on Nancy’s forearm…

 6.   How come Mayor deBlasio’s briefings​ have that hazy smoke cloud​?  

 5.  Y’know, I think Chuck Schumer even has a camera and mic in the shower…

 4.  Who knew that Governor Ralph Northam favored the “VA-is-for-Lovers” design on his boxers? 

 3.  Those are new Lakota moccasins by the door. Y’think Senator Warren wears them door-to-door?

 2.  Isn’t that man strolling in to the picture behind Kamala Harris our 42nd president?

…and the NUMBER ONE OBSERVATIONS WE’VE MADE DURING THOSE “ZOOM” INTERVIEWS at V.I.P. HOMES is:

 1.   Bernie Sanders has a copy of “Das Kapital” actually inscribed to him by Karl Marx.

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​10. ​ I am relevant…   I AM relevant!​

9.​ Wh​y​ was I ​gonna​ tak​e​ him behind the gym, sonny?​

8. ​ I’ve got it!   I’ll come out against that damn war in Vietnam.

​ 7. ​Remember… don’t forget… be sure to pronounce that “Z” in “xenophobic.”

​ 6. ​Maybe it’s time to attack Clarence Thomas again.​

5.​ ​Dang, I  did promise a woman for vice president.   Eleanor Roosevelt?   Frances Perkins? 

4. Jill.  Jill!    Get my shotgun.   I haven’t fired it off the back porch in ages!​

3.​ This ​%#$​ basement.   I feel like I’M back in chains!​

2. ​ Barack endorsed me?​  Barack WHO?​

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST JOE BIDEN THOUGHT DURING QUARANTINE is…

​ 1. I was never involved with any woman, Tara ​Lewinsky or ​whomever….

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10.  $155 million to purchase ice cream for every Californian.

                           (Amendment announced in front of Nancy Pelosi’s industrial home refrigerator)

 9.   An amendment to the Urban Mass Transit Administrations’s (DOT) appropriation, providing for $509 billion for construction of a 63-mile under-the-Pacific tunnel linking the Honolulu Rail Transit Project with the island of Kaui.     

 -Sponsored by Reps. Lyndon Schatz (D-HI) and Zoe Cohen (D-TN)

 8.  $21 billion to provide for “individual usage” subway cars in New York City.

                                  -Sponsored by Rep. Nydia Nadler (D-Brooklyn)

 7.  Bill to block access to the Interstate Highway System for any vehicle not mileage-rated at 50 miles-per-gallon (Voila!!  Your permanent Green New Deal lockdown​.​)

                                   -Sponsored by Rep. Ilhan Tlaib (D-Illinois)

 6.  $95 supplemental appropriation for the World Health Organization (WHO) to provide first-class air travel and Michelin-rated restaurant meals for deserving WHO bureaucrats 

                            -Sponsored by Rep. Joaquin Abzug (D-MN)

 5.  An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security’s budget, authorizing the Secret Service to enforce “social distancing” perimeters around  Al Franken, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and Katie Hill.   

                    -Sponsored by Rep. Rose DiSwallwell  (D-MD)

 4.  A bill to impeach Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue  (from the Speaker’s “Why Not?” legislative priorities)  

                      – Sponsored by Rep.Maxine Schiff (D- Ga.)

 3. $41 million for the National Science Foundation (NSF), to study the dating habits of Star Trek convention enthusiasts. 

                       -Sponsored by Rep. Nita Shalala (D-VA

 2.  $67 million to underwrite cultural performances at the Kennedy Center, Wolf Trap Performing Arts Center and the William J. Clinton Adult Film Festival

            -Sponsored by Reps. Tulsi Wasserman Schultz (D-AR), Rep. Major Weiner (D-NY) and Rep. Beto Menendez (D-TX)

…and the NUMBER ONE HOUSE DEMOCRAT “AMENDMENT” to SLOW DOWN EMERGENCY RELIEF to AMERICAN FAMILIES and BUSINESSES is…

1. An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security authorization, to re-name “I.C.E” (US Immigration & Customs Enforcement) as “N.I.C.E” (No Illegal Can be Expelled)     

                    -Sponsored by Rep. Hakeem Pascrell (D-AZ)

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10. ​”​On-line, you said you were 31.​  And nothing about Congress.​​”​

 9.  ​“​Are those children in the background?​“​

 8.  ​“​In all this clutter, I can’t seem to find my Congressional Medal of Honor here.​“​

 7. ​“​I am indeed a fan of John Kennedy.   He’s the current Senator from Louisiana.​“​

 6.  ​“Sure, ​I’m pro-choice….    school choice.​“​

 5.  ​  ​“​​When you said that you loved ‘The Wall,’ you didn’t mean the Pink Floyd song?​“

 4. “Could you turn on some lights?”

 3. “Didn’t I hear the screen name ‘Carlos Danger’ somewhere else?”

 2. ” Zzz.   Sorry… I’m back… I’m back.  That was just my Joe Biden impression.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT HEARD via SKYPE (live video) this MONTH is:

1.  ​”​Mr. ‘Chappaqua,’ aren’t you a former president of the United States?​”​

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10.   NBC’S CHUCK TODD ASSAILED FOR SUGGESTING THAT DUE TO SLOW RESPONSE, GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS “BLOOD ON HIS HANDS”

                                 – Stanford Journalism Review

  9.  STIMULUS PLAN NEGLECTS BAIL OUT CONCERNS OF TRANSGENDER AMERICANS

                                               – Breitbart After Dark

8. OFF THE RECORD, HOUSE DEMOCRATS CONCEDE THAT OBSESSION WITH IMPEACHMENT DIVERTED ATTENTION FROM VIRUS

                                                      – Baltimore Post

7.   ​GLANCING AT HIS SECURITY DETAIL, MIKE BLOOMBERG “​CAN’T FATHOM” AMERICANS’ RUSH TO GUN STORES 

                                                        – Daily Snooze

6.   SURVEYS REVEAL THAT DURING CORONA CRISIS, CONSERVATIVES DONATE MUCH MORE TO CHARITY THAN PROGRESSIVES

                                                – Philanthropy Times

5.  ​ON ​FIRST HEARING OF VIRUS CHALLENGE, SPEAKER PELOSI SAID TO HAVE ASKED ‘CORONA, CALIFORNIA OR NEW YORK?'”

                                                         – San Francisco Tribune

4.    WIDE-ANGLE CAMERA SHOT ​AT MAYOR DeBLASIO NEWS CONFERENCE ​REVEALS MOST REPORTERS ​TO BE SOUND ASLEEP

                                  – Dartmouth Review of Media & Society

3.   GORE, DiCAPRIO REVEL ​IN​ IDLE AIRLINERS AT MAJOR AIRPORTS, ENABLING PRIVATE JETS TO SPEED V.I.P. TRAVEL

                                                          –  Nashville Scanner

​2.  IN ​SKYPE INTERVIEW, JOE BIDEN SEEMS TO CONFUSE “PANDEMIC” WITH NORTH FLORIDA BEACH TOWN 

​                                                            – Jacksonville Gator​

…and the NUMBER ONE MAINSTREAM NEWS HEADLINE WE WON’T be SEEING THIS WEEK is…

1,  EMPTY STREETS, CRASHING ENERGY USAGE, MASS UNEMPLOYMENT PROVIDE WINDOW INTO REALITY OF A FUTURE “GREEN NEW DEAL”

                                                -New York Globe

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10.  I think I’ll be sheltering right here in Caracas.    -Commandante Nicolas Maduro   (just indicted in the US on four narco-terrorism charges)

 9.  I can look sort of normal on Skype, while still wearing my favorite ratty pajama  bottoms.    – Joseph Biden

 8.  Dammit, he’s really being presidential.     

       – MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough & CNN’s Brian Stelter

 7.  By Wednesday, I will have cornered the US market on toilet paper.    – Billionaire Hedge Fund owner Bill Ackerman

 6.  I’ve got the coolest slide show in Albany, don’t I?                – NY Governor Andrew Cuomo

 5.  Ted, when on earth did you grow that beard?      – Mrs. Heidi Cruz

 4.  What virus?      – oceanographer Philippe-Jacques Cousteau Jr., stepping on to land after 34 days in the Pacific

 3.  Bill, did you know our lifestyle here in Chappaqua is called “social distancing?”

  -Hillary Clinton

 2.  After all these years, ah realized she’s a blonde.   -Bill Clinton

…and the NUMBER ONE REVEALING COMMENT DURING our SELF-ISOLATIONS this MONTH is:

1. ​All I’ve got are re-runs of Grampa Kim’s speeches and this “launch” button here.   

  – North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un​

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​10. ​ We prefer to call it the “New Rochelle Virus.”

​  9. ​ “Once he’s told what state he is in, Joe Biden is the sort of leader we can really manipu… er, work with.”

​  8.​  “Self-isolation​ and ​Szechuan beef seem to have turned the tide.​  And we’ve still got the ol’  firing squads in reserve.​“

​  7. ​  “​We have video​—  US warships are trying to bring the virus to those islands we ​built and own​.”

​  6. ​“If you don’t like it, vote against me.  ​On second thought​, you can​ only​ appeal to the​ most honorable Chairman of the​ Central Committee.”

​  5. ​  “​See t​hose American tourists​?    They’re really here to deliver their babies here in China.”

​  4.​  “Why would Hong Kong​ers​ need more than the official government newspaper?”

​   3.​  “COVID does ​NOT​ stand for ‘China Ordered Vicious Infectious Diseases.’”

​  2. ​ “OK, OK, we’ll release those life-saving drugs.  How many free Jackie Chan DVDs you putting up?”

…and the NUMBER ONE CHINESE COMMUNIST COMMENT OVERHEARD in “CHATTER” this MONTH is:

​   1.  ​”Bernie?   No​,​ he’s​ just​ too communist for us.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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Congresswoman Grace Meng and other “progressives” claim that the term “Wuhan ​Corona ​Virus” is racist​ and/or xenophobic​, even though other elected progressives and those on CNN and MSNBC were using that term in February….

​10 . ​”​Central ​Hubei Province Fever”

​ 9. ​”Yankee Dog ​Distemper​”​

8. ​”It’s Trump’s Fault Disease”​

7. ​”Don Lemon Syndrome”​

6. ​”One from Column A Disease”​

5. ​”Chris Cuomo Wouldn’t Lie to Us Condition” 

4. “The-Bidens-Musta-Brought-it-Back-From-Some-Unnamed-Country-They-Were-Shaking-Down Flu” 

3. “Corona, Queens Malady” 

2. “Cancelling-Flights-from-Overseas-is-Racist Virus”

…and the NUMBER ONE POLITICALLY CORRECT ALTERNATIVE to the PHRASE “WUHAN CORONAVIRUS” is:

1.  “COVID Xi Jinping”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “Everyone who’s taken high school math figured out my wealth tax is crazy.”

 9.  “Apparently, height really is a big deal for voters.”

 8.  ” If only I was married to Hunter Biden…”   (excuse shared by male & female candidates)

 7.  “We all believe in free health care for illegals, but maybe my free car lease plan went too far.”

 6. “My internal poll revealed that 39% of Democrats thought Klobuchar was a Czech casserole.”

 5.  “If only my husband didn’t look so ‘South Bend’ in campaign portraits.”

 4.  “They used to say that as Samoa goes, so goes the nation.”

 3.  “Make me your running mate, and I’ll be the Yang to your Ying.”

 2.  “That Biden can rig sweet jobs for his family, but I can’t even throw a phone at my staff?”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE WHILE ENDING YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN is:

 1.  “If I just sacrificed a few Starbucks a week, I coulda found another $620 million.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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Your editor is “on hiatus” this week. We will be back with a new “Top Ten” next week.

Feel free to scroll back to view some oldies-but-goodies going back to ancient 2016.

-HWS

10. “What would I need a gun for?  That’s what you pay your armed guards to handle…”

 9.  “Sure, I tripled property taxes while I was mayor.  None of my friends noticed.”

 8.  “And if elected, there will be no sugar, salt, sodas or Republicans in the White House.”

 7.  “I do know who President Obrador is, and of course I know President Xi Jinping.   They’re both on my payroll.”

 6.  “I did say ‘horse-faced lesbian.’    Your point, ma’am?”

 5.  “The nickname ‘Mini’ is really pronounced the same in French, Italian and Spanish?”

 4.   “I thought stop, question and frisk was our interview process at Bloomberg LP.”

 3.  “Air Force One is basic economy compared to my private Gulfstream.  But if elected, I will suffer it.”

 2. “What rural America needs are subways.”

…and the NUMBER ONE UNUSED DEBATE LINE PURCHASED by MICHAEL BLOOMBERG is:

 1.-  “Wait a minute!   I PAID for this microphone.    In fact, in the Green Room, I bought this network.”​

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10. It will take him longer than that to realize he’s in South Carolina.

 9.  Hunter still needs help in landing sweetly once again.

 8. Joe just HAS to outlast Deval Patrick in this race.

 7.  If he pulls out, when will he ever take President Trump “out behind the school gym?”

 6.  The excitement of Delaware might be just too much for him.

 5.  He’s holding out for a better Ambassadorship in a Bernie Sanders administration.

 4.  What would we do with these five dang rental cars in Myrtle Beach?

​ 3.  If he doesn’t win at least one primary, he’s pledged to wear an Elizabeth Warren mask and wig.

 2.  E-Bay won’t accept an ad for a used bus with that “No Malarkey” slogan.

…and the NUMBER ONE REASON JOE BIDEN JUST CAN’T END HIS CAMPAIGN for PRESIDENT this MONTH is:

1. Joe is all set for the huge March 2nd endorsement from the Mayor of Havre d’Grace, Maryland.​

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10.  So, Senator, so what if you didn’t spend your formative years on an Indian reservation…  no big deal, right?

 9.  Since South Bend is a microcosm for America, are you the second coming of Lincoln or of FDR?

 8.  I see that “MATH” button on your lapel.   Is there really much difference between a trillion and a gazillion dollars?

 7.   Senator, when you return to Brooklyn, do you speak with a Vermont accent?

 6.  Hunter was cleared to fly on Air Force 2, wasn’t he?   No problemo, then, right sir?

 5.  Some people say that your campaign reflects your “Minnesota Nice” personality.    True or false?

 4.  You are amazingly vibrant for someone who had a heart attack last year.   What is your regimen to stay so buff?

 3.  Would you agree that socialism is really just caring about your neighbor?

2.     Some people say you’ve lost your fastball.   But you get by just fine with a curve and a knuckler, right?

…and the NUMBER ONE HARD-HITTING MEDIA QUESTION DURING the DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…

 1.   With all this enthusiasm from the people, you’re in this right to the convention, correct?

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10. Is it true that Federalist Paper 251, Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce all predicted that “a charlatan from southern California will hurl false charges against an American president in the early 21st century?”

 9. Mr. Chief Justice, in summer, when robed, do all of the male justices wear long pants?

 8. Where does the Steele Dossier fall into these charges?

 7. House Managers, how did you discern that John Bolton is now an honest genius, and when did you know it?

 6. Counsel Cipollone, would you say that the House articles of impeachment are more an outgrowth of lawlessness or ignorance?

 5. Mr. Nadler, how much did you pay for those suits?

 4.  Are CNN and the New York Times correct in linking world peace and cleaner water to a Senate conviction?

 3.  Mr. Chief Justice, is that Lev Parnas or Shemp over there?

 2. Where’s Hunter?

…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION that SOMEHOW DIDN’T MAKE it to CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS DURING the U.S. SENATE TRIAL of PRESIDENT TRUMP is:

 1. OK, if we subpoena John Bolton, will your party promise to nominate a Sanders – Omar ticket later this year?

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10.  “A Room With No View” (Chairman Schiff conducts closed meetings in the House basement)

 9.  “How Green is my War Chest”

 8.  “12 Years a Knave”  (Biopic about Pete Buttigieg’s brief life as an adult)

 7. “ Crouching Subpeona, Hidden Dagger”

 6.  “Close Encounters with Zoe Lofgren”

 5. “She Done Him Wrong — Part II”

 4.  “Hakeemian Rhapsody”

 3.  “The Hateful Eight”    (House managers)

 2.  “Nadler Unchained”

…and the NUMBER ONE POTENTIAL HOLLYWOOD SPIN-OFF from the IMPEACHMENT and SENATE TRIAL is:

1.  “A Schiff We’re not Fond’A”                                       (Rhymes with “A Fish Called ….”)

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​10.​  Nadler thinks there is a buffet at the end of the procession.

​  9.   ​Look, even his gait is “shifty.”​ 

8.​ Mommy!   Those scary people went right past the Capitol Police checkpoint!

​  7. ​ Do you really think those Birkenstock shoes convey the image we want today?

​  6. ​Geez, what did she have for lunch?​ 

5.​  Is that Lev Parnas or Shemp over there?​ 

4. ​ They told me Nancy would be leading this parade with her majorette baton.​ 

3.​  Hakeem!  Hey, over here, Hakeem!   What about Burisma?   You down with that?​ 

2.  ​I’m just impressed when any elected official can do the “Monty Python” walk.​ 

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AROUND that ‘PROCESSION” by LIBERAL HOUSE MEMBERS BRINGING their “ARTICLES of IMPEACHMENT” to the U. S. SENATE is:

1. ​There hasn’t been this much excitement in the Rotunda since Arbor Day.

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(To replace those gawdawful Democrat debates, imagine the candidates playing Jeopardy against each other….) Here are your categories for “Presidential Jeopardy“:

10.  CERTIFIED NATIVE AMERICANS

 9.  EXAMPLES WHERE SOCIALISM HAS WORKED             (Jeopardy’s first category with NO verifiable answers)

 8.  HUNTER BIDEN RESUME HIGHLIGHTS

 7.  ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE CURRENT HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

 6. OUR FAVORITE TAX HIKES

 5. EXISTENTIAL THREATS OF THE WEEK

 4. WHO SAID IT…   PELOSI, SCHUMER or El PRESIDENTE MADURO?

 3.  WHERE in the WORLD is the MODERATE?

 2.  SWING STATES GENDER POTPOURRI

…and the NUMBER ONE CATEGORY WE’D LOVE to SEE in “PRESIDENTIAL JEOPARDY” is:

1.THE PUCKISH WIT OF GENERAL SOLEIMANI

Thanks to former Congressman and Ambassador Fred J. Eckert, whose hilarious novel, “Hank Harrison for President,” involves an accidental president who attains office via “Jeopardy.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. 6 month subscription to​ Newsmax​

9. A romantic ​weekend in the DMZ barracks ​(including welcome cocktail party)

8. Prussian blue d​ress shirts ​with nicely​​ complementing solid red Trump ties

7. Joint naval maneuvers with Japan

6. A show of ​Kim’s​ own slam-dunking skills​ (adjustable basket height may be required)​

5. Complete freedom for reporters​ and news organizations

4. Political parties legalized this week

​ 3. New microwavable Kim-Chee TV dinners from Swanson/Pyong Yang​

2. No charge for Fox News Channel in all North Korean hotel rooms

…and the NUMBER ONE UNLIKELY NEW YEAR’S GIFT from KIM JONG-UN is:

1. Will offer nuke-free Korea in exchange for three all-night produce stands in Flushing, NY

Once again : Happy 2020!!

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Bill and Hill:   Figure out a new money-grubbing scheme​ by spring​

9. President Trump:   Limi​t ​tweets to mostly sports​ topics​

8. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez:  read​ (and comprehend)​ “Capitalism for Dummies”

7. Michael Avenatti, Esq.:  Learn a useful skill prior to release from prison

6. Kim Jong-un:  ​Rest in the ​know​ledge​ that your country has never been attacked while being visited by Dennis Rodman​

5. CNN’s Brian Stelter and Chris Cuomo:   Be more assertive in trying to make fake news believable

​ ​4. Billionaire candidate Tom Steyer:    Keep costs in Iowa Caucuses below $50,000 per​ voter

3. Former President Obama:  Cool it on Trump, receive anonymous Mar-a-Lago golf membership

2. Speaker Nancy Pelosi:   Appease your “Squad,” but prevent your husband’s businesses from being nationalized

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2020 is:

1.James Comey:  While the getting’s good, politely and humbly ask your former boss for a presidential pardon

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WISHES ALL READERS and FANS the BEST for a HEALTHY & SUCCESSFUL 2020…….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   Separate French and English muzzles for Pierre Trudeau​.

 9.  One day, just one, of favorable news coverage for you-know-who.

 8. Complete moccasins-&-full-headdress-set for Sen. Elizabeth Warren.​

 7.   Five knee-slapping jokes gift wrapped for Sen. Mitch McConnell.

​ 6. A TV camera constantly recording 24/7 with podium and lighting, for Senator Chuck Schumer.​

 5.   “Free” tuition for ​AOC and “the Squad”​ to attend ​a helpful seminar, “Capitalism for Dummies​,​”​ led by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett.​

 ​4.   A​n all-male environment for Harvey Weinstein, except for visits from BFF Hillary.​

 3. For Nancy Pelosi:  that promised day of prayerful, somber atonement and reflection.   

 2. For President Trump:  a 2020 Dem ticket of Bernie Sanders and Ilhan Omar.

…and the NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS or HANNUKAH GIFT for 2019 is:
 1.   (In exchange for a no-nukes North Korea…)  An NBA franchise for Kim Jong-un (the Pyong Yang Predators?)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” wishes all our readers blessings and good cheer for Christmas and Hannukah….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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– On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         –Burisma jobs for you and for me…

– On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         – Two Harveys leer- ing .

-On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  a Three percent growth rate.

– On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  Four Cuomos preaching.

– On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – Fi-i-i-ve  Kav-a-naughsss.

– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Six Schiff collusions.

– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Seven Bidens grinning.

– On the eighth day of Christmas, BILL CLINTON gave to me:

         – Eight maids-a-milking.   (We had to take one set of gifts from the original song!)

– On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –    Nine fake newspapers.

–  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –  Ten Javelin missiles.

–  On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

           –  Eleven tweeted insults.

–  On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

            – Twelve Nadler verdicts.

Yuletide blessings for Christmas and Hannukah to all “Top Ten” readers and your families, and good tidings to all for 2020.

***

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “Yes, that was me who subpoenaed and got your personal telephone records.   This holiday season, it’s my way of reaching out and touching you.”                –House Intelligence Committee Chairman Alan Schiff

9. “Maybe we did overstate those climate change and rising seas predictions.   With season’s greetings from our new Martha’s Vineyard oceanfront  mansion,”     Yours, Barack and Michelle

8.  “Meli Kalikimaka to all Americans, even Hillary.”            – US Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard

7. “Dashing through the snow, with security guys nearby.”    -North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un

6.   “You better watch out, we better not lose.   That 401 (k) is really ‘on cruise.'”   -official 2019 White House Christmas card

5.   “Dear Occupant, there is always next year.    Your distracted Congressman, Eric Swallwell.”

4. “Let us join to celebrate the winter solstice, just as our prescient pagan forebears did.”    -Generic greeting used by 79 college presidents

3. “May the festival of lights infuse you with the optimism of Hanukkah….  as we cobble another coalition government together.”                                                       – Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu

2. “Don’t make us promise to leave the United States again next year, as we pledged to do after the 2016 elections.”   – Miley Cyrus, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler & Jon Stewart

—and the NUMBER ONE 2019 CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:

1.  “And may all your safe spaces be white.   Err, let me rephrase that.”    -University Vice President for Student Concerns and Sustainability

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10. “Lord…. This is, Donald, your humble servant….   Please let them pick Crazy Bernie.”    –  President Trump

9. “A $100 tax on each turkey wouldn’t even be noticed.  Not in Cambridge.”     – US Senator Elizabeth Warren

8. “Please attack me again.   Please, Hillary.   You have enough bile left for one more fake smear.”                             –US Rep. Tulsi Gabbard

7. “Lord, with your blessing and a mere quadrupling of our ratings, we can defeat this man.”   – CNN President Jeff Zucker

6. “Almighty, steer liberal viewers toward my countless brilliant TV commercials, and not those gawdawful debates.”  – Michael Bloomberg

5. “Dear Pops, wherever you are.  Teach me how to divvy up one medium turkey among 26 million people.”  – North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un

4. “Help us to convince our brethren that Trump was guilty of something in Ukraine, while Biden was not.”    – Simulcast Prayer broadcast from US Reps. Pelosi, Schiff and Nadler

3. “Let us count our blessings.   Hey, at least I am still a prince.”  – Andrew, Duke of York

2. “Turkey?   Can I just have two rolls of toilet paper?”  – Venezuelan shopper

…and the NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING DINNER INVOCATION was:

1. “Shower thy blessings on those who have been so expansively and energetically generous to us at MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post.”    –  Democrat National Committee Chairman Tom Perez

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​10.​  Calm down!  It’s not “impeachment fodder!”     It’s just peach cobbler. 

9.  ​So a tofu turkey is “sustainable,” but this​ ​one is not?​

8.​   Honey, my cousins are here….   Please don’t refer to them as “the Caravan.”​ 

7.​   You mean the real Pocahontas was an honest woman who never ran for office?​ 

6.  ​Looks like the men are “colluding” to turn on the football game.​ 

5. ​Y’know what goes great with Chicken Kiev?   A Moscow Mule.

4. ​ Mommy!  The man on CNN says that Adam Schiff, Hakeem Jeffries, AOC and Jerry Nadler all hunted for their turkeys this morning.

3. ​Bless us oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty and the strongest free economy in the world.​

2.    An anonymous whistleblower says you baked this with canned pumpkin pie mix.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT to HELP YOU GET THROUGH THANKSGIVING DINNER is:

​1.​  The Thanksgiving cures for insomnia? 

A. Re-runs of those impeachment hearings.       

B. Any lecture by a Cuomo.   

C. Large servings of tryptophan-laden  foods.

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10. Hunter Einstein

 9. “Warren Buffett” Biden

 8. ​ Joe’s Albatross

  7.  Co​key Hunter

   6. “T. Boone” Biden

   5.  Choo Choo Biden ​             (from his Amtrak Board expertise)

   4. Thomas Alva Biden

   3.  That Lovable Lobbyist

​   2.  Burisma Biden

…and the NUMBER ONE ACTIVE NICKNAME for HUNTER BIDEN (as translated from the original Ukrainian and Mandarin)

   1.  The Oracle of Wilmington

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10.  Agriculture Secretary Sonny Purdue discussed ag subsidies with the Indiana Governor the same week he requested ​crime ​stats on Mayor Pete​​‘s South Bend!!

 9.  The​ FAA approves new Omaha to Kiev shuttle for Ukraine Airlines.    Coincidence?

 8.   President Trump​ ​was about to refer to “Little Vladimir,” but th​ought​ better of it.    ​Why the change of heart?

 7.    A subject was observed, while in between marriages, hanging out with Bill Clinton one evening.​   

 6.​  ​​ A company erecting border wall in Arizona includes an in-house security guard who donated $100 to “Re-elect Trump.”

​ 5.  ​ Most of Melania’s clothing purchases can be traced to “red” states.

​ 4.  A stranger posing with young Donald Trump for a photo turned out to be G. Gordon Liddy.

 3.  Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross once stayed near the Watergate Hotel in 1972.

 2.  Larry Kudlow gave a hot stock tip for “hedge fund executive” Hunter Biden to ​consider for investing that $1.5 billion ​the ​Chinese ​gave him.

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW “IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE” BEING CONSIDERED by CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF and HIS HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE is…

 1. The mere use of terms like “Crazy Bernie,” “Pocahontas,” “Little Mike” and “Sleepy Joe” violates the First, Fourth and Ninth Amendments.​

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Last week, the Washington Post ran this headline after the terrorist leader of ISIS killed himself and his children as American forces were pursuing him:

“BAKR al-BAGHDADI, AUSTERE RELIGIOUS SCHOLAR at HELM of ISIS, DIES at 48.”

This was a new low for the Wash-Post, to many observers of the once-proud news organization…   Herewith are the Top Ten ways current Post leadership might have treated major American news events:

 10.  PLAN FOR DEVELOPING NATION’S CAPITOL TO DESTROY MILES OF IRREPLACEABLE WETLANDS

 9.  MONDALE CARRIES MINNESOTA, TROUNCING REAGAN STATEWIDE, 51-49%

 8. ECCENTRIC SCULPTOR TO GAIN PERSONALLY FROM DEVIOUS PROJECT AT MOUNT RUSHMORE

  7. IN LANDING 165,000 TROOPS ON NORMANDY  BEACHES, MILITARY BRASS FAIL TO CONSIDER TRANSGENDER CONCERNS

 6. LEAVING DEBRIS ON THE MOON, NASA APPEARS TO THWART FIRST LADY’S BEAUTIFICATION PROGRAM

 5.  JAPANESE AIRCRAFT STRAY IN TO U. S. AIRSPACE OVER OAHU

  4.  SOVIETS AND DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF GERMANY CONSTRUCT WALL and “DEATH ZONE” TO REPEL FORCES OF FASCISM FROM ENTERING THE EAST

  3.  CLINTON WOULD BE FIRST PRESIDENT TO FACE REMOVAL FOR MERE DALLIANCES

  2.  A RUSSIAN ALASKA WOULD SERVE U.S. INTERESTS … Lincoln, Seward still bent on purchase

,,,and the NUMBER ONE WASHINGTON POST HEADLINE RE-WRITE from AMERICAN HISTORY is:

1.LYRICIST FRANCIS SCOTT KEY APPARENTLY OBLIVIOUS to the CARBON and CLIMATE IMPACTS of ‘THE ROCKETS’ RED GLARE”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

(Mayor Bill deBlasio and his “progressive” allies plan to close Rikers Island, which houses an average of 10,000 prisoners on a perfectly located island with only one point of egress. In its place, they want to build four “community jails” in residential neighborhoods that do not want them.)

​10.​  Vote in your cell, no I.D. needed​.​

​ 9.   ​In-house dating now permitted​, with “Skelmatch.com” website preferred​.

​ 8.   ​Coffee hour with lattes served by corrections officers​.​

​ 7.    ​Prison jump suits by Ralph Lauren​.​

​  6.   ​The good news: Rooftop gardening ​will give​ inmates agricultural skills.       ​ The bad news: Prisoners ​hope to consume all the weed they grow.

​  5.   ​Judgmental “inmates” moniker to be replaced by “valued customer.”

​  4.     ​Judgmental “prison cell” references morph into “living spaces.”

​  3.    ​ Individual hot tubs in each living space.

​  2.   ​  “Rec” hour to be managed by Equinox Fitness.

…and the NUMBER ONE AMENITY in the new “COMMUNITY JAILS” to replace Rikers Island is:

 1.  New Corrections department “frequent guest” program:           Earn a future free night ​at a Ritz Carlton for every five nights spent in jail…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.  You noticed that Barack Obama was sounding off on climate change and rising seas, but he bought a huge mansion right on Martha’s Vineyard’s lovely waterfront.

 9. You wonder:  “can anyone go in and vote without proof of I.D.?”

 8.   You read that Mrs. deBlasio spent well over $1 billion on her mental health initiative.  ​For that much money, all the mentally ill ​must be​ off the streets​, correct?

 7.   If you drive into Manhattan, City Council members call you “rich.”     Now you must be taxed and tolled $20 extra for each trip in and out.

 6.  Governor Cuomo forced you to spend hundreds on ​his smaller clip for your ​pistol.    That really solved mass shootings.

5.   Your Mayor “asks” you to “contribute” 2% more of your income, but the budget never seems to truly balance.

 4.  You weren’t able “to keep your doctor.”

 3.   Senator Warren’s new “Wealth Tax” idea is on top of all the other taxes?

​ 2. You thought “choice” was about better schools.   No, it’s about the “right” to late term abortions.​

…and the NUMBER ONE TIP-OFF THAT YOU MAY be LEANING REPUBLICAN is…

 1.  If your life depended on it, you couldn’t name more than seven genders.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

​10.  You are mayor of a city in Indiana or New York.

 9. Voters back home in Minnesota still favor Al Franken over you.

 8. You were remembered mostly for resembling that singer in “Abba.” (Gillibrand) 

 7. “YES!”  (At the debate, you raised your hand to support free health care for illegals​.​ We have the photo.)

 6.  You claimed Native American heritage to ​enter academia, then got paid over $​4​00K NOT to teach at Harvard.

 5.  Your twin brother isn’t running, but is polling ahead of you for president.

 4.  ​Even after your great cardiac care on the campaign trail, ​you still favor Venezuelan-style health “reforms.”

 3.  People remember that you were THAT mayor of Newark. (Booker)

 2.  Voters can only identify “skateboarding” as your primary skill. (O’Rourke and Yang)

…and the NUMBER ONE INDICATOR that you are NOT LIKELY to BECOME PRESIDENT in 2020 is:

1. Even if your son’s name is “Hunter,” that won’t really cut it with gun owners. Or Ukrainian-Americans.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .