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10. Kamala will publicly refer to “my administration” at least five times.
9. Shockingly, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will not be photographed seated next to Dennis Rodman.
8. Exactly zero mainstream news organizations will report comprehensively on Biden family influence-peddling.
7. Hillary Clinton will plead for a pardon from a president, any president.
6. To avoid commenting on Columbus Day, the Biden administration will declare “Free Health Care for Illegals Week.”
5. Mayor Bill DeBlasio will commence snoring during one of his own speeches.
4. Newly appointed “Climate Czar” John Kerry will utilize private jets and gas guzzling vehicles to speed him to vital “climate change” conferences.
3. During January 20th inaugural ceremonies, Bill Clinton will resume ogling Melania Trump.
2. Joseph Biden WILL hold one news conference without a teleprompter or family member at his side. (Sorry, no questions, though.)
…and the NUMBER ONE PREDICTIONS for 2021 is:
1. Perhaps accidentally, new Domestic Affairs counselor Susan Rice will tell the truth.
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10. Sure, she is unrepentant. But be a champ and issue a pardon to Hillary… (President Trump)
9. Figure out how to finagle free golf at Mar-a-Lago… (former President Obama)
8. By Easter for sure, show up one morning at work… (Mayor Bill DeBlasio)
7. Try not to leer in anticipation when Mr. Biden stumbles… (Kamala)
6. Show up at the Holland Tunnel to wave bye-bye to all the New Yorkers escaping your taxes and gun laws… (Gov. Andrew Cuomo)
5. Offer North Korean luxury vehicles in exchange for NBA franchise… (Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un)
4. On the Inauguration grandstand, a stethoscope will make a truly memorable fashion accessory. (“Dr.” Jill Biden)
3. Now’s as good a time as any to re-train all editors and reporters in the principles of even-handed journalism… (the editors of the New York Times)
2. Never drift more than 10 feet from the teleprompter… (Joseph Biden)
…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTIONS for 2021 is…
1. Purchase a Hollywood-caliber fake beard for those evenings when you simply must dine at a fine restaurant... (Gov. Gavin Newsom)
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For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung: You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order. But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received. For example: Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.” But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song: “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.” Try that format with today’s creation, below. Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Five Jus – tice – es.” |
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– A tax hike for you and for me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Two Georgia Senators.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Three softball questions.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Four screeching Marxists.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– F-i-i-ve jus- tice – es.
– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Six Swallwell escorts.
– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Seven abandoned laptops.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Eight righteous pardons.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Nine Space Force Guardians.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Ten Biden interviews.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Eleven Commies spying.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
-Twelve million mail votes.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. “Thanks for nuthin,” – President Trump to seven SCOTUS justices
9. “Here’s Morocco for Ya’,” – Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu
8. “Honey, where are those files you borrowed? XX “ – Congressman Eric Swallwell to Fang-Fang, trusted agent of Communist China
7. “May you get all treats and no tricks this month.” — putative President Joseph Biden
6. “We will deliver Medicare-for-All, higher taxes and crazy spending, unless an offensive, vile video interrupts us.” — future Domestic Policy Council chair Susan Rice
5. “Feliz Navidad to my loyal subjects. With no gasoline available, we sure are delivering on our Paris “emissions targets.” – VenezuelanComandante Nicolas Maduro
4. ”Dear Occupant: here are 20 more unsolicited paper ballots for the December 5th run-offs, just for you. If you would like an additional supply, just call.” — Stacey Abrams
3. “Dear students and all university staff, Let us celebrate our cherished, secular winter solstice holidays in one of the many ‘Safe Spaces’ on our beloved campus.” – Same message tapped by over 100 college presidents
2. “Dear Joseph, may 2021 bring you all the health and cognition you deserve. Reach out if my administration can do anything at all for you.” – Kamala
…and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS or HANNUKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:
1. “Thank you in advance for the expected resumption of holiday “gratuities.” Nevertheless, death to America.” -Iranian President Hassan Rouhani
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10. “All I Want for Christmas is Real News” — White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEneny
9. “Mistletoe Me” — Bill Clinton
8. “Feliz Michigan” — Gov. Gretchen Whitmer toasts the 10,000 deceased Detroiters who voted last month
7. “Run Run Rudolph” — Chuck Berry III in wonderment at the former mayor’s apparent simultaneous presence in Atlanta, Philadelphia, Las Vegas, Milwaukee and Atlanta.
6. “Rockin’ Around the Dominion Machine” – Stacey Abrams choreographs a Nutcracker ballet with a “voter suppression” theme
5. “Grandpa Got Run Over by the Fake News” — Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow and Chuck Todd don red suits
4. “All I Want for Christmas is Joe” – Xi Jinping and the Central Committee
3. “Ballots Roasting O’er an Open Fire” -Wisconsin Governor Evers keeps warm with votes exceeding actual local populations
2. “O Come all Ye Faithful” – through voice track mixing, Congresswoman Ocasio and Commandante Maduro beckon lovers of expanding deep state powers..
…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY SONG WE’D LIKE to HEAR is:
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10. Home Alone III — In the padded basement of his Delaware mansion, young Joseph teams with his devoted media friends to thwart any probing or disturbing question from reaching his innocent ears.
9. Miracle on “K” Street — D.C.’s Lobbyists Given the Best Gift Imaginable
8. We’re No Angels II — Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Jerrold Nadler and Hakeem Jeffries finally admit they lied about the Russia Hoax.
7. Donald Saves Christmas — Using his business smarts, the American president presses his aides and the finest private sector scientists in the world to deliver life saving vaccines in months, not years.
6. Nightmare Before Christmas II — A disturbing 10,000 Michiganders rise from the dead to cast live votes for Joseph Biden.
5. Scrooged II — Ebenezer Ocasio-Cortez learns a harsh Yuletide lesson when she calls 911 after defunding the NYPD, only to hear this recording: “Press 1 for a social worker’s voice mail.”
4. It’s a Wonderful Life II – Initially despondent in snowy Bedford Hills, Andrew McCabe, James Comey, Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Christopher Steele are re-assured there would have been no FISA-driven spying, no Russian hoax, and no impeachment without their determined efforts.
3. Gremlins II – The only plausible explanation for “weighting” Joseph Biden votes more than Don Trump ballots.
2. National Lampoon’s Christmas STAYcation — Santa finally meets his match as Andrew Cuomo, Gavin Newsom and Philip Murphy succeed in terminating the Yuletide season.
…and the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY MOVIE WE’D LIKE to SEE is:
1. Elf II — While hosting an hour-long “Town Hall,” ABC’s George Stephanopoulos gift-wraps a present for Joseph Biden in the form of ZERO challenging questions.
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10. As you know, Governor Cuomo limits family gatherings to ten people. You are the 11th to arrive.
9. Could you pass the turkey and stuffing, made possible by the most vibrant economy in world history?
8. Who’s that cute friend you brought? Ya’ think she unmasks on the first date?
7. The governor says that laughing is forbidden. It could lead to dancing. Yeah, that’s illegal too.
6. Do you think Melania will be cooking next year?
5. ‘Ceptin’ the Jello-mold, we personally hunted for all this food.
4. So, what does the Squad actually say about Thanksgiving?
3. The Pilgrims sailed for 3 months, and there was no canned cranberry sauce?
2. Are those real mashed potatoes, or are they corrupted, like voting in Philly or Detroit?
…and the NUMBER ONE DIVERSIONARY REMARK, to AVOID DISCUSSING POLITICS at the THANKSGIVING TABLE is…
1. All of our bathrooms are gender-neutral, of course.
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10. “The cash from China actually went to ‘Dr.‘ Jill, not to Joseph.”
9. “At least nobody’s said anything about those photos Hunter has on the computer.”
8. “Kamala didn’t really mean ‘the riots will continue.'”
7. “Joseph is asking if he can monetize fracking in his own basement. Then, he will reveal his position on fracking after the election.”
6. ” Whaddya mean, no experience?”
5. “What the Pope meant to say is….”
4. “Senator Harris did not intend to bail out looters in Minneapolis. She intended to buy a gift card at Hooters in St. Paul.”
3. “The former Vice President firmly believes that if you like your Ukrainian energy company, you can keep your Ukrainian energy company.”
2. “After careful consideration, I really have no objection to a Catholic being a judge.”
…and the NUMBER ONE “REQUIRED” LATE OCTOBER EXPLANATION is:
1. “Mr. Biden has a plan where all the jobs lost in oil & gas will be replaced by new positions installing the wind turbines we are building. Now, the job might be in a different time zone.”
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10. Mr. Vice President: Right now, would you prefer a 3-minute massage from me, or four more warm, softball questions in a row?
9. Candidates: If elected, which of your family members would be discouraged from making deals with foreign governments?
8. Candidates: Quickly now, what is your best guess as to how many more Americans would have died without the bans on travel from China and Europe?
7. Candidates: will you commit right now to donating your presidential salary to charity?
6. Gentlemen, should Twitter and Facebook allow posts from the Iranian government, while censoring investigative reports from the New York Post and other American news organizations?
5, Mr. Vice President, are the police still the “enemy” in your mind?
4. Mr. President: What looks better to you at this moment, more questions on white supremacy, masks and your taxes, or a shot to the kneecap from a low-caliber pistol?
3. Hey Mr. Biden: more than once, you said you’d like to take the President “behind the gym.” Whadda ya say right here and now, tough guy?
2. Sirs, the US Supreme Court has operated with nine justices for 150 years. Should that number be expanded? Please answer in one sentence, prior to the election.
…and the NUMBER ONE “LIGHTNING ROUND” QUESTION AMERICANS WANT to HEAR from the MODERATOR in the FINAL DEBATE is:
1. Mr. President, you moved from New York to Florida, primarily for tax reasons. Mr. Vice President, your friend Andrew is Governor of New York. If your Federal tax plan is enacted, successful people in New York, California and New Jersey will pay more than 60% in income taxes. Is that what you consider “their fair share?” Yes or no, from both of you, please…
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10. HILLARY CLINTON E-MAILS REVEAL AS MANY AS 40 LIKELY FELONIES COMMITTED BY FORMER SECRETARY
9. PLOT TO KIDNAP MICHIGAN GOVERNOR LED BY ANTI-TRUMP ZEALOTS
8. CHINA’S XI OPENLY EXPRESSES SUPPORT FOR DEMOCRATIC NOMINEES, WONT COMMENT ON INVOLVEMENT IN U.S. ELECTIONS
7. JUDGE BARRETT NOW EXPECTED TO LOSE SOME SENATE DEMOCRAT VOTES FOR BEING “TOO BORING”
6. SPEAKER PELOSI UNABLE TO RECITE HOUSE RULES FOR REMOVING A SPEAKER WHO IS “UNABLE TO EXECUTE” HER DUTIES
5. BIDEN WILL ANNOUNCE HIS POSITION ON NUDE ADS FEATURING HOLLYWOOD SUPPORTERS “AFTER THE ELECTION”
4. SENATOR HARRIS OVERHEARD BY REPORTER, RE-ASSURING MR. BIDEN “IT IS O.K. TO STAY IN THE BASEMENT” TODAY
3. SECRET PHOTOGRAPH FROM NORTH KOREA REVEALS “HILLARY’S REVENGE” LOGO ON NEW ICBM MISSILE
2. RARE AGREEMENT BETWEEN CUOMO AND DeBLASIO: RELEASING VIOLENT CRIMINALS HAS NO IMPACT ON CRIME
…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE SEEING THIS WEEK is:
1. PRESIDENT REJECTS “VIRTUAL” DEBATE, BUT REMAINS SILENT ON POTENTIAL CAGE MATCH
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10. Responses from the incumbent will be delivered in writing, and read aloud by Morgan Freeman.
9. After a candidate interrupts his opponent a second time, moderator may call for a mixed-martial arts cage match.
8. Through the magic of television, any candidate invoking the term “white supremacist” will himself be fitted with a virtual white hood.
7. The challenger shall be afforded a stand-by teleprompter, in the event his earpiece fails.
6. There will be no references to “nap time” during any intermissions.
5. Since one debate moderator will be a Biden advocate and former intern, final debate will be hosted by Jared Kushner.
4. To appear more presidential, both candidates will be required to wear top hats.
3. Any candidate who works in a quote from James Madison or Alexander Hamilton will be awarded $50, presented by a descendent of “You Bet Your Life” host Groucho Marx.
2. Debaters must provide the costs to taxpayers for any new government spending they advocate. Lie detectors will be readied.
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW RULE from the COMMISSION on PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is:
1. Candidates will arrive in wrestling team Spandex — just in case.
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10. “Say It. Say it, NOW Joe… I am not a socialist!” (Say it every 3 minutes, your turn or not…)
9. “We could have saved every life if you just did your job!” Biden: “What’s the job, again?”
8. “His name is CHRIS Wallace, not George Wallace.”
7. “My son Hunter isn’t the one running for mayor…. I mean president.”
6. “Joe, your zipper’s open! Just kiddin’… gotta keep you loose, fella.”
5. Tell them: “You can keep your doctor!”
4. “We’ll get those monies by taxing the billionaire class, except for Bloomberg, Steyer, Soros and Bezos.”
3. “It’s great to be here in OHIO. That’s OHIO, Joe.”
2. “Barack Obama was articulate and CLEAN, Joe… not MEAN, sir.”
…and the NUMBER ONE DEBATE TIP PIPED in to JOSEPH BIDEN’S HIDDEN EAR PIECE this TUESDAY is:
1. “And when I am president, every illegal will get free health care and we’ll ship planeloads of cash to the terrorists in Iran.”
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Can you guess which six are actual college courses, and which four have been invented by your editor? Read on….
10. “Gender in Gaming “
9. “Eco/Queer/ Feminist Art Practices”
8. “Unsettling Whiteness”
7. “Mike Pence and Joseph Goebbels: The Eery Parallels” (Condensed Graduate Seminar)
6. “Kamala Harris: a Joan of Arc for Our Times”
5. “Latinx Sexual Dissidence and Guerilla Translation”
4. “Queering Childhood”
3. “Humanity or Nah? Blackness, Gender, Resistance, and Memory in Monuments, Maps and Archives”
2. ”Homophobia and Capitalism: The Road to Exploitation and Genocide”
…and the NUMBER ONE “MOST WOKE” COURSE BEING OFFERED at UNIVERSITIES this SEMESTER is:
1. “A Survey of NAMBLA and its Iconoclastic Roots Over the Millenia”
The real courses are: # 10, 9, 8, 5, 4 and 3 are ACTUAL COURSES. The fake courses are # 7,6, 2 and 1. Here are the references to the actual courses:
10. University of Illinois (ENGL 277)
9. University of Michigan (WOMENSTD 434)
8. Northwestern University (AFAMST 339)
5. Davidson College (LAS 394)
4. Pomona College (GWS 142)
3. Brown University (GNSS 1061)
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10. Mr. Trump, if re-elected, how rapidly will you move this nation toward pure fascism?
9. Mr. Biden, what powers of persuasion did you deploy to turn Senator Harris into such a starry-eyed enthusiast of yours?
8. Mr. President, would a million COVID deaths be acceptable to you?
7. Joe, based on the experience he’s gained in Ukraine and China, do you agree that Hunter has the “creds” to be our Secretary of State?
6. Sir, haven’t your comments from the White House podium stoked the righteous passions of all those peaceful protesters?
5. Mr. Vice President, why is it so important for you to condemn Antifa or BLM rioters? Nobody’s ever asked you to denounce Hitler or Charles Manson, have they?
4. Mr. Trump, why is your opponent wrong for merely opposing racism and demanding safety for all Americans?
3. The policy of the Democratic platform and elected leaders across the nation is to allow abortion right up to the moment of birth. Joe, you’re a good Catholic, aren’t you?
2. Mr. President, your mother emigrated from Scotland. How can you hate immigrants?
…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION THAT CAN DEMONSTRATE “MODERATOR FAIRNESS” in the UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…
1. Joe… Joe… (Hey, will someone wake this guy up??) I’m only trying to ask you a leading, softball question.
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10. Joe, if I may be so bold, many observers believe that Mr. Trump won’t leave the White House voluntarily. What are your thoughts?
9. Mr. Vice President, your hair plugs seem well-tuned up for this election campaign. Would you agree that such a vital medical procedure should be covered by Medicare?
8. Boxers or briefs? Please don’t let our minds run wild.
7. Once you are elected, what should we call your Delaware mansion’s basement? The Eastern White House? The Subterranean Shrine of the Oracle?
6. Isn’t it true that you did take that cognitive ability test, and now you are officially “Mensa-light?”
5. Sir, when you and Senator Harris gaze into each other’s eyes, do you attain a sense of mind-melding?
4. Could you repeat that for the camera, Joseph? You really are against rioting, killing and even looting, correct?
3. Was it your strong Catholic faith that enabled you to forgive Kamala for her campaign attacks ?
2. For which country would Hunter be the ideal ambassador: China or Ukraine?
…and the NUMBER ONE HARD-HITTING QUESTION JOSEPH BIDEN MAY be ASKED THIS WEEK by REPORTERS is:
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10. CUOMO CLAIMS THE “REPUBLICAN” CDC URGED COVID-19 PATIENTS INTO NURSING HOMES. THEN ADDS, “SCIENCE SHOULD BE NON-POLITICAL.”
9. STANDING BEFORE A CITY ABLAZE, CNN ANCHOR REFERS TO “PEACEFUL PROTESTS” IN KENOSHA.
8. BIDEN WON’T CONFIRM OR DENY THAT CHINESE INTERESTS HELPED HIM TO PURCHASE LARGEST MANSION IN DELAWARE.
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT THEN TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNS TO BASEMENT.
7. GOVERNOR OF OREGON SEES NO REASON WHY “ARSON SHOULD BE A CRIME.”
6. BIDEN SAYS HE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE REBATES. “DR.” JILL WHISPERS, “THOSE ARE DEBATES, HONEY.“
5. “KILLER CUOMO” RECOILS AT NEW NICKNAME, BUT INSISTS “ANY AND ALL“ INFECTED PERSONS SHOULD BE RE-DIRECTED TO NURSING HOMES
4. BIDEN REPEATS ATTACK THAT BANNING FLIGHTS FROM EUROPE AND CHINA WAS “XENOPHOBIC.” AIDES THEN PRONOUNCE AND DEFINE THE WORD FOR HIM.
3. SENATOR HARRIS ATTACKS TRUMP FOR ‘180,000’ DEATHS. POINTS TO GOV. CUOMO’S ‘GREAT JOB’ WITH NURSING HOMES.
2. AS THOUSANDS FLEE HIS CITY, MAYOR DeBLASIO SAYS ”WE NEED TO REDISTRIBUTE THE WEALTH OF THOSE TRAPPED IN MY CLUTCHES.”
…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE YOU MAY HAS MISSED DURING the LAST TWO WEEKS of CONVENTION COVERAGE is…
1. PRESIDENT PROMISES RETURN TO BOOMING FREE ECONOMY AS MEDIA, DEMOCRATS DENOUNCE “DARK, DYSTOPIAN” VISION.
(Editor’s Note: On August 24th, the 10AM “edition” of the TOP TEN actually featured the August 17th TOP TEN list. The 12 Noon version offered the correct August 24th version. If you are unsure if you received both the August 17th and 24th TOP TEN list, simply scroll below…)
********
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10. Police who are defunded will also be subject to a 50% marginal income tax rate.
9. The US-Mexico Border Wall shall feature swinging doors, moving walkways and welcome centers with Michelin-starred chefs.
8. Cities that experience 20% increases in murders will be eligible to tap a $5 billion Federal pool to hire social workers.
7. Milwaukee, the host city of the Democrat convention, will be returned to the Chippewa Nation.
6. Public and private higher education will be billed to the taxpayers, except at faith-affiliated institutions.
5. Women who have never undergone an abortion will be “referred” to culturally-appropriate Federal re-education camps.
4. A massive new program within the U.S. Export-Import Bank will be be known as “Hunter Biden Capital.”
3. Failure to refer to Mrs. Joseph Biden as “Dr. Biden” will trigger an automatic 120 hours of community service.
2. The “public option” Indian Health Service is an “unmitigated disaster.” Therefore, Democrats demand a public option for the entire country.
…and the NUMBER ONE LITTLE KNOWN PLANK in the 2020 DEMOCRAT NATIONAL PLATFORM is:
1. Having already experienced the trauma of expiration, the deceased should not be “suppressed” from voting by this Administration.
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10. “ANTIFA: Good….. Little Sisters of the Poor: Bad.” –Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler (D)
9. “The CHOICE Roundtable (that’s for Abortionists, not for school children) — AFT Chair Randi Weingarten
8. “JFK: White Supremacist.” – Cong. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn).
7. “Police Don’t Deserve Qualified Immunity…. but I sure do.” – Sen. Kamala Harris accepts VP nomination
6. “No, you can’t keep your doctor. Get over it!” – remarks by Cong. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI)
5. “No Experience Necessary” (How to Profit from a Biden White House) – genius entrepreneur Hunter Biden
4. “Make everyone else pay their fair share in taxes.” – Q & A with legendary tax cheat Rev. Al Sharpton
3. “How Crystals Could Revitalize Joseph Biden’s Mental Capacity” – with Marianne Williamson
2. “Imagine There’s No Israel” (Take the Democratic Socialists “pledge”) – Cong. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) (& Video Hook Up with Mahmoud Abbas in the Palestinian Territory).
…and the NUMBER ONE SESSION NOT-to-MISS at this WEEK’S DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION is…
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. “When Joe checked out these biceps, he cried ‘uncle.'” -Michelle Obama
9. ” No, Joe. I am your running mate, not the Avon person.” -US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
8. “Joe picked me because of a scurrilous video.” – Susan Rice, former National Security Advisor
7. “When I am your vice president, absolutely no one, in any of our 50 states…. … will be able to buy house paint.” -Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer
6. “We will not stand by and let those Republicans suppress the votes of the departed.” –Former GA State Legislator Stacey Abrams
5. “To pay for free health care for illegals, here’s my zippy new wealth tax.” -US Senator Elizabeth Warren
4. “I just can’t wait to be your Vice Commandante.” -Congresswoman Karen Bass
3. “As vice president, Joe will let me oversee the critical ‘more free stuff’ give-aways we are planning.” -US Senator Tammy Duckworth
2. “I am prepared to be your president if the need arises. In the meantime, I will be the very best caregiver.” – US Senator Kamala Harris
…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-WRITTEN LINE for THOSE EXPECTING a VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION is:
1. “He may not realize that I’m his running mate, but give me a few days.” -Generic comment approved for multiple candidates
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. Senator Kamala Harris… nice girl, never gave me any lip.
9. I always liked that name, “Stacey.” She’s really accomplished, right?
8. I’ve already got the Native American vote, but what the heck?
7. Wasn’t Sarah Palin vice president already?
6. How about a transgender who’s “articulate, bright, clean and nice looking?”
5. Diane Feinstein doesn’t seem old to me at all…
4. So Sen. Kirsten Sinema is bi-sexual. It’s 1996, man…
3. That woman who was National Security Advisor… Frances Perkins, right?
2. Suppose I picked a male named Leslie, Taylor, Pat, Ricki, Jamie or Madison?
…and the NUMBER ONE “NOTE to SELF” SEEN on JOSEPH BIDEN’S “RUNNING MATES” MEMO PAD is:
1. Alright, Karen Bass idolizes Fidel Castro. Tell me again, is he King of Spain or something?
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. “OK, SO HE’S NEVER CREATED A JOB…”
9. “MAYBE, JUST MAYBE… YOU COULD KEEP YOUR DOCTOR…”
8. “AS WASHINGTON CROSSED THE DELAWARE, BIDEN PEERED OUT FROM HIS BASEMENT…”
7. “EVEN IF HE KNEW ABOUT SPYING ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN, HE’S FORGOTTEN SINCE THEN…”
6. “’DEFUND THE POLICE’ MEANS WE CAN AFFORD MORE SWEETHEART DEALS FOR BIDEN FAMILY MEMBERS…”
5. “IF YOU LIKE THIS SHUTDOWN, YOU’LL LOVE JOE’S GREEN NEW DEAL!”
4. “TRULY, FRIENDS: HE IS PLAGIARIZING A LOT LESS THAN HE USED TO…”
3. “I WOULD NEVER STEAL WHITE HOUSE FURNITURE LIKE THE CLINTONS… A FEW CHEVY SUBURBANS… MAYBE.”
2. “MY VICE PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT STATE WE ARE IN…”
…and the NUMBER ONE ADVERTISING THEME BEING CONSIDERED by the JOSEPH BIDEN CAMPAIGN is:
1. “IN CHINA, WHILE JOE WAS GABBING, HUNTER WAS GRABBING…”
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. In a 6-3 decision written by Justice Gorsuch, employment discrimination against LGBTQ individuals was struck down, based on a new interpretation of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
However, in a show of hands, all nine justices agreed that, in the workplace, show tunes ought never to be played above 102 decibels.
9. About ten feet from the Court’s official 2020 photo location, neatly draped over a chair, is one pair of men’s trousers.
8. Following the court’s 5-4 “McGirty v. Oklahoma” decision, recognizing the sovereignty of the Lakota & Cherokee nations, nine free passes to the Dancing Bear Casino arrived by courier from a Tulsa address.
7. Upholding the First Amendment’s freedom of religion clause, the Court’s “Little Sisters of the Poor v. Pennsylvania” decision enshrined the right of the Catholic nuns to avoid compulsion to provide benefits for what they consider to be sinful activity.
In the ladies’ restroom at the court, there was gratuitous graffitto comparing the sisters to that Sally Field character.
6. In the Justices’ Dining Room, a “bong” stained with lipstick was found near the microwave.
5. With many arguments before the court taking place by telephone and “Zoom,” during one appeal, an unidentified voice referred to a justice as “an over-educated twerp.”
4. The “Barr v. American Association of Political Consultants” decision concluded that robocalls for political causes and debt collection were protected free speech.
However, two justices admitted, during oral argument, that they had personally stalked and threatened debt collectors.
3. A little known decision that strengthens officials’ ability to verify actual, legal residents of the state requires that those on line to vote in Texas must continually dance the two-step.
2. The mixed ” Vance v. Trump” decision concluded that sitting presidents may be subject to criminal subpoenas, but referred the Congressional quest for the President’s tax records back to lower courts.
In his written explanation to the president, the Chief Justice suggested that the most effective way to respond to Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance may be a well-executed head lock.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE AROUND the U.S. SUPREME COURT BUILDING as this SESSION ENDS is:
1. In “Kelmell v. Florida,” the court affirmed the long-standing requirement that police read the “Miranda rights” to all apprehended persons. However, police may now inform arrestees about exciting current promotions from Amway, Mary Kay and Avon, as well.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. “We’re Hidin’ with Biden.”
9. “This Is Your Summer of Love”
8. ” Here’s the Green New Deal: All Your Flights Home Have Been Cancelled”
7. “More Looting, less Prosecuting”
6. “Win with Sleepy, Creepy and Weepy” (Biden, Harvey Weinstein & Schumer)
5. “A Convention on Zoom, to Nominate a Loon”
4. “Let’s Vote for Bernie’s Platform Before we Read It”
3. “You May be Able to Keep Your Doctor, Quite Possibly”
2. “No I.C.E., but Lots of Free Stuff”
…and the NUMBER ONE “OFFICIAL THEME” BEING CONSIDERED for the DEMOCRATS’ AUGUST CONVENTION isw:
1. ” Weed, Greed and Lots More Taxes”
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10. Keep practicing: “ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh” … ” ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh…”
9. It’s exactly 14 steps up from the basement to the ice maker. So here’s my 14 point plan where you can actually keep your doctor.
8. These AOC talking points for halting air travel and gas-powered cars… That wouldn’t include Air Force One and my limos… would it?
7. Pull together a plan for ending the Vietnam war.
6. Wow, these hair plugs do need a tune-up before my convention speech. How ’bout rainbow colors?
5. How else can I say “tax hike?” “Contribution?” “Patriotic gift?”
4. Attack Justice Clarence Thomas again.
3. What’s my plan if President Trump actually meets me behind that gym?
2. I can see Hunter as an ambassador, can’t you?
…and the NUMBER ONE CHECKLIST ITEM for JOSEPH BIDEN this WEEK is:
1. Sure, I’m all for debating. How about five lightning rounds on the topic of Delaware rest stops?
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. “Where’s the shower?”
9. ”Thank you, Officer Muldoon. That IS the guy who stole my I-phone.”
8. ”Who was that very tall guy in the suit? His weed was really far-out, man.”
7. ”O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light….”
6. “Oh no, sergeant. Defund the Police doesn’t mean YOU.”
5. ”I’m only here to meet some babes.”
4. “I have to admit, Giuliani’s policies saved about 50,000 black & brown lives in recent decades.”
3. “What would I need a change of clothes for?”
2. “My appearance aside, I was thinking of taking the NYPD entrance exam.”
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT QUITE UNLIKELY to be HEARD at that “OCCUPY” ENCAMPMENT OUTSIDE CITY HALL in NYC is:
1. “We ain’t leavin’ until they cut marginal income tax rates.”
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10. ” Pelosi Pilates Lunge” (for impeachment)
9. “Chuck Schumer Tai-Chi” (With slow, controlled eastern-inspired motion, the Senate Minority Leader alternates between scowling & high energy bloviating. Triple practice sessions on Sunday when cameras are detected.)
8. “The Adam Schiff Shuffle” (Emphatically claim you have evidence of Russian collusion, but never say you’re sorry when proven to be untruthful.)
7. “The Di Caprio Dash” (Leonardo sprints to his private jet, en route to this week’s climate change symposium.)
6. “The Joe Biden Crawl” (Up from his basement and over to China…)
5. “House Bailout Bill bench press” (Beef up the biceps by pressing a 21-pound [1,800 pages] multi-trillion dollar bill with each arm.)
4. The “Jerrold Nadler Promenade” (Don a frayed suit and carry a bill of impeachment 1/4 mile to the Senate. Return and repeat.)
3. “Mayor DeBlasio Run-in-Place news conference” (Reporters counteract the overwhelming impulse to drift into sound sleep as the Mayor drones on with another 2-hour monologue… by combining jumping jacks with running-in-place, while re-hydrating with Red Bull.)
2. “Pyong Yang Alley-Oop” (The Supreme Leader of North Korea takes chest-high passes from Dennis Rodman before dunking a basketball on a hoop a full five feet off the ground).
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW FITNESS ROUTINE DEVELOPED DURING IN-HOME LOCKDOWNS is…
1. The “Cuomo (Nursing Home) Elliptical” (Aerobic hemming-and-hawing, synchronized with two-handed finger pointing at Washington.)
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10. That strangely familiar guy in the back of the “Speed Dating” bar party is a former president of the United States.
9. With no more Corona virus briefings from Mayor DeBlasio, reporters emerge from NYC City Hall fully alert and awake.
8. Protesters advocating a “correct” cause can congregate in crowds, without masks. (No, not YOU, not yet)….
7. Joe Biden is spotted in the sunshine, waving to people. Police soon deliver him back to the family in Wilmington.
6. Looters pause to apply sun block they’ve just stolen.
5. Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio emerge from quarantine to hop on their private jets en route to the next Climate Change symposium.
4. Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer‘s husband, Dr. Marc Molloy, manages to avoid saying “do you have any idea who my wife is?” for five whole hours.
3. Astronauts return from the space station, only to ask: “What virus?”
2. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot no longer feels a need to explain how she “takes her personal hygiene very seriously.”
…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN that YOUR STATE is FINALLY “OPENING UP” is…
1. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo goes “cruising” in his 1968 GTO convertible, yelling: “I’m available! I’m available!”
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10. “Fraternity Pledge“
9. “Global Studies honor student”
8. “A member of Joe Biden’s base”
7. “Concerned Youth”
6. “Our Best and Brightest”
5. “Income Equality Champion”
4. “Ad-Hoc Gasoline Broker”
3. “Police Brutality opponent”
2. “Human Rights attorney”
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW MEDIA EUPHEMISM for “LOOTER,” “VANDAL,” “RIOTER,” “ARSONIST,” and ‘GANG-BANGER” is:
1. “Interim Store Manager”
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10. Presidents Trump and Obama share .09% German DNA.
9. Joe Biden is a second cousin to malaprop king “Professor” Irwin Corey.
8. An MSNBC personality discovers he is distantly related to Stalin & Hitler, but responds: “Who?”
7. President Trump, Vice President Pence and actor Jay Silverheels share a common distant ancestor: Geronimo.
6. It’s no coincidence that US Senator Bernie Sanders and “Kentucky Colonel” Harlan Sanders share a surname.
5. Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard is a first cousin, thrice removed, of Hillary Clinton.
4. CNN’s Jim Acosta is told he is a 5th cousin of William Howard Taft, but asks: “Is he up for re-election?”
3. Dan Rather is a long lost nephew of Richard Nixon.
2. A re-test may be advised, but former presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke appears to have descended from Bill Clinton.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING DISCOVERY FROM THOSE HOME-DNA TESTS TAKEN DURING SHUTDOWN is:
1. Test after test, Elizabeth Warren remains zero percent Native American.
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10. The US Air Force’s new “F-31 Cougar” fighter will somehow be manufactured in Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco district.
9. If this bill exceeds 1,800 pages, Yosemite National Park’s “El Capitan” will be renamed for Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).
8. Residents of foreign birth in “pre-citizenship status” immediately qualify for a $2,400 stimulus check, Food Stamps, a mail-in ballot for November and early admission to Oberlin College (free tuition).
7. $159 million is appropriated for a new Boeing 787 “Dreamliner,” to shuttle Speaker Pelosi more efficiently to vital climate change rallies.
6. $12,500 is appropriated for new suits for Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-Manhattan).
5. 400 million paper ballots (200 million extra in the event of an “immigration” surge) will be printed in the district of House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC).
4. Henceforth, Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib may insist, on the House floor, to be addressed as “highness.”
3. No matter the outcome of the election, $310 million is approved to add likenesses of Michael Avenatti and Joe Biden to Mount Rushmore.
2. Of the 6,000 tanks in the Defense Department’s arsenal, 2,500 will be re-purposed to deliver free meals, US grown cannabis and mail-in ballots to low-voting cities and college towns.
…and the NUMBER ONE LITTLE-KNOWN PROVISION IN HOUSE DEMOCRATS’ $3 TRILLION SO-CALLED STIMULUS BILL is…
1. Mere use of the racist term “illegal alien” will be punishable with a 39% marginal income tax rate.
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10. Among likely Joe Biden voters, 34% want him, if elected, to continue operating from his Delaware basement.
9. In New Jersey, incumbent U.S. Senator Cory Booker only outpolls Spartacus, 48-45%.
8. On Staten Island, NY, 54% of registered voters agree that “Mayor DeBlasio has done more to damage NYC than the virus.”
7. On the west side of Manhattan, 52% of adults like this “Re-elect Rep. Jerrold Nadler” slogan:
“Our Jerry: He was impeaching while Wuhan was screeching.”
6. Fully 62% of Delaware voters want “Senator Chris Coons to do more to assist poor Mr. Biden in his basement.”
5. 71% of self-identified independents believe that “if they debate, Trump will actually put Biden in a headlock.”
4. 41% of Rhode Islanders are voting to re-elect Senator Jack Reed because they believe he was a Major League outfielder.
3. 73% of adult Oklahomans support early release for “Tiger King” Joe Exotic…. but only if he is replaced in prison by Hillary.
2. Among voters who “support Nancy Pelosi’s $3 trillion stimulus plan,” 62% cannot differentiate among “a trillion, a megazillion and a gazillion” dollars.
.and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING RESULT FROM THIS WEEK’S POLLING RESULTS is
1. A national survey asked 952 respondents about their faith in the “truthfulness of the following list of institutions and individuals”
Percentage of those who believe in the truthfulness of:
–59% – Professional wrestling
–38% -Lawyers
–19% -Speaker Nancy Pelosi
–15% -Three-Card Monte sharks
–11% -CNN
—9% -Michael Avenatti
—8% -MSNBC
—7% -the New York Times
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10. By Halloween, Hillary will have figured out how to get paid for “virtual” speeches…
9. Environmentalists be danged, Governor Andrew Cuomo will start driving everywhere in his gas-guzzling 1968 GTO.
8. Joe Biden: “Why can’t I just get inaugurated right here in the basement?”
7. President Trump to the White House Press Corps: “Next time around, no more Mr. Nice Guy.”
6. Aware of their mortality after months of pandemic, Elizabeth Warren’s brothers confess: “We aren’t Indian at all.”
5. Embarrassed by mass snoring, prior to his A.M. briefings, Mayor deBlasio will set out a buffet of chilled Red Bull and free “No-Doz” for reporters.
4. Michigan “Strongwoman” Governor Gretchen Witmer to name Congresswoman Rasheed Tlaib (D-MI) as “Director of Re-Education” for the new detention camps housing disobedient business owners.
3. On his dating profile, Bill Clinton will swear to abide by social distancing norms for at least 90 minutes.
2. Following a self-imposed quarantine after the election, Nancy Pelosi will emerge looking mysteriously younger.
…and the NUMBER ONE ASPECT of “NEW NORMAL” LIFE WE CAN EXPECT LATER in 2020 is…
1. Sign to be seen in front of “progressive” church in Berkeley, California: ‘WELCOME BACK FROM VIRUS LOCKDOWN!
Special this Week: OBEY ANY SIX of the TEN COMMANDMENTS.”
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10. Check out Hillary’s “study.” Isn’t that the furniture she carted out of the White House?
9. Gee, you can hear those sounds every time Eric Swallwell is interviewed.
8. Isn’t that a 1993 photo of Tara Reade on the credenza behind Joe Biden?
7. Wow, I never noticed that “I LOVE AHNOLD” tattoo on Nancy’s forearm…
6. How come Mayor deBlasio’s briefings have that hazy smoke cloud?
5. Y’know, I think Chuck Schumer even has a camera and mic in the shower…
4. Who knew that Governor Ralph Northam favored the “VA-is-for-Lovers” design on his boxers?
3. Those are new Lakota moccasins by the door. Y’think Senator Warren wears them door-to-door?
2. Isn’t that man strolling in to the picture behind Kamala Harris our 42nd president?
…and the NUMBER ONE OBSERVATIONS WE’VE MADE DURING THOSE “ZOOM” INTERVIEWS at V.I.P. HOMES is:
1. Bernie Sanders has a copy of “Das Kapital” actually inscribed to him by Karl Marx.
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10. I am relevant… I AM relevant!
9. Why was I gonna take him behind the gym, sonny?
8. I’ve got it! I’ll come out against that damn war in Vietnam.
7. Remember… don’t forget… be sure to pronounce that “Z” in “xenophobic.”
6. Maybe it’s time to attack Clarence Thomas again.
5. Dang, I did promise a woman for vice president. Eleanor Roosevelt? Frances Perkins?
4. Jill. Jill! Get my shotgun. I haven’t fired it off the back porch in ages!
3. This %#$ basement. I feel like I’M back in chains!
2. Barack endorsed me? Barack WHO?
…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST JOE BIDEN THOUGHT DURING QUARANTINE is…
1. I was never involved with any woman, Tara Lewinsky or whomever….
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10. $155 million to purchase ice cream for every Californian.
(Amendment announced in front of Nancy Pelosi’s industrial home refrigerator)
9. An amendment to the Urban Mass Transit Administrations’s (DOT) appropriation, providing for $509 billion for construction of a 63-mile under-the-Pacific tunnel linking the Honolulu Rail Transit Project with the island of Kaui.
-Sponsored by Reps. Lyndon Schatz (D-HI) and Zoe Cohen (D-TN)
8. $21 billion to provide for “individual usage” subway cars in New York City.
-Sponsored by Rep. Nydia Nadler (D-Brooklyn)
7. Bill to block access to the Interstate Highway System for any vehicle not mileage-rated at 50 miles-per-gallon (Voila!! Your permanent Green New Deal lockdown.)
-Sponsored by Rep. Ilhan Tlaib (D-Illinois)
6. $95 supplemental appropriation for the World Health Organization (WHO) to provide first-class air travel and Michelin-rated restaurant meals for deserving WHO bureaucrats
-Sponsored by Rep. Joaquin Abzug (D-MN)
5. An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security’s budget, authorizing the Secret Service to enforce “social distancing” perimeters around Al Franken, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and Katie Hill.
-Sponsored by Rep. Rose DiSwallwell (D-MD)
4. A bill to impeach Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue (from the Speaker’s “Why Not?” legislative priorities)
– Sponsored by Rep.Maxine Schiff (D- Ga.)
3. $41 million for the National Science Foundation (NSF), to study the dating habits of Star Trek convention enthusiasts.
-Sponsored by Rep. Nita Shalala (D-VA
2. $67 million to underwrite cultural performances at the Kennedy Center, Wolf Trap Performing Arts Center and the William J. Clinton Adult Film Festival
-Sponsored by Reps. Tulsi Wasserman Schultz (D-AR), Rep. Major Weiner (D-NY) and Rep. Beto Menendez (D-TX)
…and the NUMBER ONE HOUSE DEMOCRAT “AMENDMENT” to SLOW DOWN EMERGENCY RELIEF to AMERICAN FAMILIES and BUSINESSES is…
1. An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security authorization, to re-name “I.C.E” (US Immigration & Customs Enforcement) as “N.I.C.E” (No Illegal Can be Expelled)
-Sponsored by Rep. Hakeem Pascrell (D-AZ)
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10. ”On-line, you said you were 31. And nothing about Congress.”
9. “Are those children in the background?“
8. “In all this clutter, I can’t seem to find my Congressional Medal of Honor here.“
7. “I am indeed a fan of John Kennedy. He’s the current Senator from Louisiana.“
6. “Sure, I’m pro-choice…. school choice.“
5. “When you said that you loved ‘The Wall,’ you didn’t mean the Pink Floyd song?“
4. “Could you turn on some lights?”
3. “Didn’t I hear the screen name ‘Carlos Danger’ somewhere else?”
2. ” Zzz. Sorry… I’m back… I’m back. That was just my Joe Biden impression.”
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT HEARD via SKYPE (live video) this MONTH is:
1. ”Mr. ‘Chappaqua,’ aren’t you a former president of the United States?”
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10. NBC’S CHUCK TODD ASSAILED FOR SUGGESTING THAT DUE TO SLOW RESPONSE, GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS “BLOOD ON HIS HANDS”
– Stanford Journalism Review
9. STIMULUS PLAN NEGLECTS BAIL OUT CONCERNS OF TRANSGENDER AMERICANS
– Breitbart After Dark
8. OFF THE RECORD, HOUSE DEMOCRATS CONCEDE THAT OBSESSION WITH IMPEACHMENT DIVERTED ATTENTION FROM VIRUS
– Baltimore Post
7. GLANCING AT HIS SECURITY DETAIL, MIKE BLOOMBERG “CAN’T FATHOM” AMERICANS’ RUSH TO GUN STORES
– Daily Snooze
6. SURVEYS REVEAL THAT DURING CORONA CRISIS, CONSERVATIVES DONATE MUCH MORE TO CHARITY THAN PROGRESSIVES
– Philanthropy Times
5. ON FIRST HEARING OF VIRUS CHALLENGE, SPEAKER PELOSI SAID TO HAVE ASKED ‘CORONA, CALIFORNIA OR NEW YORK?'”
– San Francisco Tribune
4. WIDE-ANGLE CAMERA SHOT AT MAYOR DeBLASIO NEWS CONFERENCE REVEALS MOST REPORTERS TO BE SOUND ASLEEP
– Dartmouth Review of Media & Society
3. GORE, DiCAPRIO REVEL IN IDLE AIRLINERS AT MAJOR AIRPORTS, ENABLING PRIVATE JETS TO SPEED V.I.P. TRAVEL
– Nashville Scanner
2. IN SKYPE INTERVIEW, JOE BIDEN SEEMS TO CONFUSE “PANDEMIC” WITH NORTH FLORIDA BEACH TOWN
– Jacksonville Gator
…and the NUMBER ONE MAINSTREAM NEWS HEADLINE WE WON’T be SEEING THIS WEEK is…
1, EMPTY STREETS, CRASHING ENERGY USAGE, MASS UNEMPLOYMENT PROVIDE WINDOW INTO REALITY OF A FUTURE “GREEN NEW DEAL”
-New York Globe
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10. I think I’ll be sheltering right here in Caracas. -Commandante Nicolas Maduro (just indicted in the US on four narco-terrorism charges)
9. I can look sort of normal on Skype, while still wearing my favorite ratty pajama bottoms. – Joseph Biden
8. Dammit, he’s really being presidential.
– MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough & CNN’s Brian Stelter
7. By Wednesday, I will have cornered the US market on toilet paper. – Billionaire Hedge Fund owner Bill Ackerman
6. I’ve got the coolest slide show in Albany, don’t I? – NY Governor Andrew Cuomo
5. Ted, when on earth did you grow that beard? – Mrs. Heidi Cruz
4. What virus? – oceanographer Philippe-Jacques Cousteau Jr., stepping on to land after 34 days in the Pacific
3. Bill, did you know our lifestyle here in Chappaqua is called “social distancing?”
-Hillary Clinton
2. After all these years, ah realized she’s a blonde. -Bill Clinton
…and the NUMBER ONE REVEALING COMMENT DURING our SELF-ISOLATIONS this MONTH is:
– North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un
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10. We prefer to call it the “New Rochelle Virus.”
9. “Once he’s told what state he is in, Joe Biden is the sort of leader we can really manipu… er, work with.”
8. “Self-isolation and Szechuan beef seem to have turned the tide. And we’ve still got the ol’ firing squads in reserve.“
7. “We have video— US warships are trying to bring the virus to those islands we built and own.”
6. “If you don’t like it, vote against me. On second thought, you can only appeal to the most honorable Chairman of the Central Committee.”
5. “See those American tourists? They’re really here to deliver their babies here in China.”
4. “Why would Hong Kongers need more than the official government newspaper?”
3. “COVID does NOT stand for ‘China Ordered Vicious Infectious Diseases.’”
2. “OK, OK, we’ll release those life-saving drugs. How many free Jackie Chan DVDs you putting up?”
…and the NUMBER ONE CHINESE COMMUNIST COMMENT OVERHEARD in “CHATTER” this MONTH is:
1. ”Bernie? No, he’s just too communist for us.”
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Congresswoman Grace Meng and other “progressives” claim that the term “Wuhan Corona Virus” is racist and/or xenophobic, even though other elected progressives and those on CNN and MSNBC were using that term in February….
10 . ”Central Hubei Province Fever”
9. ”Yankee Dog Distemper”
8. ”It’s Trump’s Fault Disease”
7. ”Don Lemon Syndrome”
6. ”One from Column A Disease”
5. ”Chris Cuomo Wouldn’t Lie to Us Condition”
4. “The-Bidens-Musta-Brought-it-Back-From-Some-Unnamed-Country-They-Were-Shaking-Down Flu”
3. “Corona, Queens Malady”
2. “Cancelling-Flights-from-Overseas-is-Racist Virus”
…and the NUMBER ONE POLITICALLY CORRECT ALTERNATIVE to the PHRASE “WUHAN CORONAVIRUS” is:
1. “COVID Xi Jinping”
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10. “Everyone who’s taken high school math figured out my wealth tax is crazy.”
9. “Apparently, height really is a big deal for voters.”
8. ” If only I was married to Hunter Biden…” (excuse shared by male & female candidates)
7. “We all believe in free health care for illegals, but maybe my free car lease plan went too far.”
6. “My internal poll revealed that 39% of Democrats thought Klobuchar was a Czech casserole.”
5. “If only my husband didn’t look so ‘South Bend’ in campaign portraits.”
4. “They used to say that as Samoa goes, so goes the nation.”
3. “Make me your running mate, and I’ll be the Yang to your Ying.”
2. “That Biden can rig sweet jobs for his family, but I can’t even throw a phone at my staff?”
…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE WHILE ENDING YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN is:
1. “If I just sacrificed a few Starbucks a week, I coulda found another $620 million.”
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Your editor is “on hiatus” this week. We will be back with a new “Top Ten” next week.
Feel free to scroll back to view some oldies-but-goodies going back to ancient 2016.
-HWS
10. “What would I need a gun for? That’s what you pay your armed guards to handle…”
9. “Sure, I tripled property taxes while I was mayor. None of my friends noticed.”
8. “And if elected, there will be no sugar, salt, sodas or Republicans in the White House.”
7. “I do know who President Obrador is, and of course I know President Xi Jinping. They’re both on my payroll.”
6. “I did say ‘horse-faced lesbian.’ Your point, ma’am?”
5. “The nickname ‘Mini’ is really pronounced the same in French, Italian and Spanish?”
4. “I thought stop, question and frisk was our interview process at Bloomberg LP.”
3. “Air Force One is basic economy compared to my private Gulfstream. But if elected, I will suffer it.”
2. “What rural America needs are subways.”
…and the NUMBER ONE UNUSED DEBATE LINE PURCHASED by MICHAEL BLOOMBERG is:
1.- “Wait a minute! I PAID for this microphone. In fact, in the Green Room, I bought this network.”
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10. It will take him longer than that to realize he’s in South Carolina.
9. Hunter still needs help in landing sweetly once again.
8. Joe just HAS to outlast Deval Patrick in this race.
7. If he pulls out, when will he ever take President Trump “out behind the school gym?”
6. The excitement of Delaware might be just too much for him.
5. He’s holding out for a better Ambassadorship in a Bernie Sanders administration.
4. What would we do with these five dang rental cars in Myrtle Beach?
3. If he doesn’t win at least one primary, he’s pledged to wear an Elizabeth Warren mask and wig.
2. E-Bay won’t accept an ad for a used bus with that “No Malarkey” slogan.
…and the NUMBER ONE REASON JOE BIDEN JUST CAN’T END HIS CAMPAIGN for PRESIDENT this MONTH is:
1. Joe is all set for the huge March 2nd endorsement from the Mayor of Havre d’Grace, Maryland.
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10. So, Senator, so what if you didn’t spend your formative years on an Indian reservation… no big deal, right?
9. Since South Bend is a microcosm for America, are you the second coming of Lincoln or of FDR?
8. I see that “MATH” button on your lapel. Is there really much difference between a trillion and a gazillion dollars?
7. Senator, when you return to Brooklyn, do you speak with a Vermont accent?
6. Hunter was cleared to fly on Air Force 2, wasn’t he? No problemo, then, right sir?
5. Some people say that your campaign reflects your “Minnesota Nice” personality. True or false?
4. You are amazingly vibrant for someone who had a heart attack last year. What is your regimen to stay so buff?
3. Would you agree that socialism is really just caring about your neighbor?
2. Some people say you’ve lost your fastball. But you get by just fine with a curve and a knuckler, right?
…and the NUMBER ONE HARD-HITTING MEDIA QUESTION DURING the DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…
1. With all this enthusiasm from the people, you’re in this right to the convention, correct?
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10. Is it true that Federalist Paper 251, Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce all predicted that “a charlatan from southern California will hurl false charges against an American president in the early 21st century?”
9. Mr. Chief Justice, in summer, when robed, do all of the male justices wear long pants?
8. Where does the Steele Dossier fall into these charges?
7. House Managers, how did you discern that John Bolton is now an honest genius, and when did you know it?
6. Counsel Cipollone, would you say that the House articles of impeachment are more an outgrowth of lawlessness or ignorance?
5. Mr. Nadler, how much did you pay for those suits?
4. Are CNN and the New York Times correct in linking world peace and cleaner water to a Senate conviction?
3. Mr. Chief Justice, is that Lev Parnas or Shemp over there?
2. Where’s Hunter?
…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION that SOMEHOW DIDN’T MAKE it to CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS DURING the U.S. SENATE TRIAL of PRESIDENT TRUMP is:
1. OK, if we subpoena John Bolton, will your party promise to nominate a Sanders – Omar ticket later this year?
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10. “A Room With No View” (Chairman Schiff conducts closed meetings in the House basement)
9. “How Green is my War Chest”
8. “12 Years a Knave” (Biopic about Pete Buttigieg’s brief life as an adult)
7. “ Crouching Subpeona, Hidden Dagger”
6. “Close Encounters with Zoe Lofgren”
5. “She Done Him Wrong — Part II”
4. “Hakeemian Rhapsody”
3. “The Hateful Eight” (House managers)
2. “Nadler Unchained”
…and the NUMBER ONE POTENTIAL HOLLYWOOD SPIN-OFF from the IMPEACHMENT and SENATE TRIAL is:
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10. Nadler thinks there is a buffet at the end of the procession.
9. Look, even his gait is “shifty.”
8. Mommy! Those scary people went right past the Capitol Police checkpoint!
7. Do you really think those Birkenstock shoes convey the image we want today?
6. Geez, what did she have for lunch?
5. Is that Lev Parnas or Shemp over there?
4. They told me Nancy would be leading this parade with her majorette baton.
3. Hakeem! Hey, over here, Hakeem! What about Burisma? You down with that?
2. I’m just impressed when any elected official can do the “Monty Python” walk.
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AROUND that ‘PROCESSION” by LIBERAL HOUSE MEMBERS BRINGING their “ARTICLES of IMPEACHMENT” to the U. S. SENATE is:
1. There hasn’t been this much excitement in the Rotunda since Arbor Day.
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(To replace those gawdawful Democrat debates, imagine the candidates playing Jeopardy against each other….) Here are your categories for “Presidential Jeopardy“:
10. CERTIFIED NATIVE AMERICANS
9. EXAMPLES WHERE SOCIALISM HAS WORKED (Jeopardy’s first category with NO verifiable answers)
8. HUNTER BIDEN RESUME HIGHLIGHTS
7. ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE CURRENT HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
6. OUR FAVORITE TAX HIKES
5. EXISTENTIAL THREATS OF THE WEEK
4. WHO SAID IT… PELOSI, SCHUMER or El PRESIDENTE MADURO?
3. WHERE in the WORLD is the MODERATE?
2. SWING STATES GENDER POTPOURRI
…and the NUMBER ONE CATEGORY WE’D LOVE to SEE in “PRESIDENTIAL JEOPARDY” is:
1.THE PUCKISH WIT OF GENERAL SOLEIMANI
Thanks to former Congressman and Ambassador Fred J. Eckert, whose hilarious novel, “Hank Harrison for President,” involves an accidental president who attains office via “Jeopardy.”
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10. 6 month subscription to Newsmax
9. A romantic weekend in the DMZ barracks (including welcome cocktail party)
8. Prussian blue dress shirts with nicely complementing solid red Trump ties
7. Joint naval maneuvers with Japan
6. A show of Kim’s own slam-dunking skills (adjustable basket height may be required)
5. Complete freedom for reporters and news organizations
4. Political parties legalized this week
3. New microwavable Kim-Chee TV dinners from Swanson/Pyong Yang
2. No charge for Fox News Channel in all North Korean hotel rooms
…and the NUMBER ONE UNLIKELY NEW YEAR’S GIFT from KIM JONG-UN is:
1. Will offer nuke-free Korea in exchange for three all-night produce stands in Flushing, NY
Once again : Happy 2020!!
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10. Bill and Hill: Figure out a new money-grubbing scheme by spring
9. President Trump: Limit tweets to mostly sports topics
8. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez: read (and comprehend) “Capitalism for Dummies”
7. Michael Avenatti, Esq.: Learn a useful skill prior to release from prison
6. Kim Jong-un: Rest in the knowledge that your country has never been attacked while being visited by Dennis Rodman
5. CNN’s Brian Stelter and Chris Cuomo: Be more assertive in trying to make fake news believable
4. Billionaire candidate Tom Steyer: Keep costs in Iowa Caucuses below $50,000 per voter
3. Former President Obama: Cool it on Trump, receive anonymous Mar-a-Lago golf membership
2. Speaker Nancy Pelosi: Appease your “Squad,” but prevent your husband’s businesses from being nationalized
…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2020 is:
1.James Comey: While the getting’s good, politely and humbly ask your former boss for a presidential pardon
“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WISHES ALL READERS and FANS the BEST for a HEALTHY & SUCCESSFUL 2020…….
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10. Separate French and English muzzles for Pierre Trudeau.
9. One day, just one, of favorable news coverage for you-know-who.
8. Complete moccasins-&-full-headdress-set for Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
7. Five knee-slapping jokes gift wrapped for Sen. Mitch McConnell.
6. A TV camera constantly recording 24/7 with podium and lighting, for Senator Chuck Schumer.
5. “Free” tuition for AOC and “the Squad” to attend a helpful seminar, “Capitalism for Dummies,” led by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett.
4. An all-male environment for Harvey Weinstein, except for visits from BFF Hillary.
3. For Nancy Pelosi: that promised day of prayerful, somber atonement and reflection.
2. For President Trump: a 2020 Dem ticket of Bernie Sanders and Ilhan Omar.
…and the NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS or HANNUKAH GIFT for 2019 is:
1. (In exchange for a no-nukes North Korea…) An NBA franchise for Kim Jong-un (the Pyong Yang Predators?)
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” wishes all our readers blessings and good cheer for Christmas and Hannukah….
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| THE 12 DAYS of CHRISTMAS (2019 version)… For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung: You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order. But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received. For example: Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.” But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song: “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.” Try that format with today’s creation, below. Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Five Kav-a-naughs.” |
– On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
–Burisma jobs for you and for me…
– On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Two Harveys leer- ing .
-On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– a Three percent growth rate.
– On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Four Cuomos preaching.
– On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Fi-i-i-ve Kav-a-naughsss.
– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Six Schiff collusions.
– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Seven Bidens grinning.
– On the eighth day of Christmas, BILL CLINTON gave to me:
– Eight maids-a-milking. (We had to take one set of gifts from the original song!)
– On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Nine fake newspapers.
– On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Ten Javelin missiles.
– On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Eleven tweeted insults.
– On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
– Twelve Nadler verdicts.
Yuletide blessings for Christmas and Hannukah to all “Top Ten” readers and your families, and good tidings to all for 2020.
***
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10. “Yes, that was me who subpoenaed and got your personal telephone records. This holiday season, it’s my way of reaching out and touching you.” –House Intelligence Committee Chairman Alan Schiff
9. “Maybe we did overstate those climate change and rising seas predictions. With season’s greetings from our new Martha’s Vineyard oceanfront mansion,” Yours, Barack and Michelle
8. “Meli Kalikimaka to all Americans, even Hillary.” – US Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard
7. “Dashing through the snow, with security guys nearby.” -North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un
6. “You better watch out, we better not lose. That 401 (k) is really ‘on cruise.'” -official 2019 White House Christmas card
5. “Dear Occupant, there is always next year. Your distracted Congressman, Eric Swallwell.”
4. “Let us join to celebrate the winter solstice, just as our prescient pagan forebears did.” -Generic greeting used by 79 college presidents
3. “May the festival of lights infuse you with the optimism of Hanukkah…. as we cobble another coalition government together.” – Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu
2. “Don’t make us promise to leave the United States again next year, as we pledged to do after the 2016 elections.” – Miley Cyrus, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler & Jon Stewart
—and the NUMBER ONE 2019 CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:
1. “And may all your safe spaces be white. Err, let me rephrase that.” -University Vice President for Student Concerns and Sustainability
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10. “Lord…. This is, Donald, your humble servant…. Please let them pick Crazy Bernie.” – President Trump
9. “A $100 tax on each turkey wouldn’t even be noticed. Not in Cambridge.” – US Senator Elizabeth Warren
8. “Please attack me again. Please, Hillary. You have enough bile left for one more fake smear.” –US Rep. Tulsi Gabbard
7. “Lord, with your blessing and a mere quadrupling of our ratings, we can defeat this man.” – CNN President Jeff Zucker
6. “Almighty, steer liberal viewers toward my countless brilliant TV commercials, and not those gawdawful debates.” – Michael Bloomberg
5. “Dear Pops, wherever you are. Teach me how to divvy up one medium turkey among 26 million people.” – North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un
4. “Help us to convince our brethren that Trump was guilty of something in Ukraine, while Biden was not.” – Simulcast Prayer broadcast from US Reps. Pelosi, Schiff and Nadler
3. “Let us count our blessings. Hey, at least I am still a prince.” – Andrew, Duke of York
2. “Turkey? Can I just have two rolls of toilet paper?” – Venezuelan shopper
…and the NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING DINNER INVOCATION was:
1. “Shower thy blessings on those who have been so expansively and energetically generous to us at MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post.” – Democrat National Committee Chairman Tom Perez
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10. Calm down! It’s not “impeachment fodder!” It’s just peach cobbler.
9. So a tofu turkey is “sustainable,” but this one is not?
8. Honey, my cousins are here…. Please don’t refer to them as “the Caravan.”
7. You mean the real Pocahontas was an honest woman who never ran for office?
6. Looks like the men are “colluding” to turn on the football game.
5. Y’know what goes great with Chicken Kiev? A Moscow Mule.
4. Mommy! The man on CNN says that Adam Schiff, Hakeem Jeffries, AOC and Jerry Nadler all hunted for their turkeys this morning.
3. Bless us oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty and the strongest free economy in the world.
2. An anonymous whistleblower says you baked this with canned pumpkin pie mix.
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT to HELP YOU GET THROUGH THANKSGIVING DINNER is:
1. The Thanksgiving cures for insomnia?
A. Re-runs of those impeachment hearings.
B. Any lecture by a Cuomo.
C. Large servings of tryptophan-laden foods.
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10. Hunter Einstein
9. “Warren Buffett” Biden
8. Joe’s Albatross
7. Cokey Hunter
6. “T. Boone” Biden
5. Choo Choo Biden (from his Amtrak Board expertise)
4. Thomas Alva Biden
3. That Lovable Lobbyist
2. Burisma Biden
…and the NUMBER ONE ACTIVE NICKNAME for HUNTER BIDEN (as translated from the original Ukrainian and Mandarin)
1. The Oracle of Wilmington
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10. Agriculture Secretary Sonny Purdue discussed ag subsidies with the Indiana Governor the same week he requested crime stats on Mayor Pete‘s South Bend!!
9. The FAA approves new Omaha to Kiev shuttle for Ukraine Airlines. Coincidence?
8. President Trump was about to refer to “Little Vladimir,” but thought better of it. Why the change of heart?
7. A subject was observed, while in between marriages, hanging out with Bill Clinton one evening.
6. A company erecting border wall in Arizona includes an in-house security guard who donated $100 to “Re-elect Trump.”
5. Most of Melania’s clothing purchases can be traced to “red” states.
4. A stranger posing with young Donald Trump for a photo turned out to be G. Gordon Liddy.
3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross once stayed near the Watergate Hotel in 1972.
2. Larry Kudlow gave a hot stock tip for “hedge fund executive” Hunter Biden to consider for investing that $1.5 billion the Chinese gave him.
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW “IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE” BEING CONSIDERED by CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF and HIS HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE is…
1. The mere use of terms like “Crazy Bernie,” “Pocahontas,” “Little Mike” and “Sleepy Joe” violates the First, Fourth and Ninth Amendments.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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Last week, the Washington Post ran this headline after the terrorist leader of ISIS killed himself and his children as American forces were pursuing him:
“BAKR al-BAGHDADI, AUSTERE RELIGIOUS SCHOLAR at HELM of ISIS, DIES at 48.”
This was a new low for the Wash-Post, to many observers of the once-proud news organization… Herewith are the Top Ten ways current Post leadership might have treated major American news events:
10. PLAN FOR DEVELOPING NATION’S CAPITOL TO DESTROY MILES OF IRREPLACEABLE WETLANDS
9. MONDALE CARRIES MINNESOTA, TROUNCING REAGAN STATEWIDE, 51-49%
8. ECCENTRIC SCULPTOR TO GAIN PERSONALLY FROM DEVIOUS PROJECT AT MOUNT RUSHMORE
7. IN LANDING 165,000 TROOPS ON NORMANDY BEACHES, MILITARY BRASS FAIL TO CONSIDER TRANSGENDER CONCERNS
6. LEAVING DEBRIS ON THE MOON, NASA APPEARS TO THWART FIRST LADY’S BEAUTIFICATION PROGRAM
5. JAPANESE AIRCRAFT STRAY IN TO U. S. AIRSPACE OVER OAHU
4. SOVIETS AND DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF GERMANY CONSTRUCT WALL and “DEATH ZONE” TO REPEL FORCES OF FASCISM FROM ENTERING THE EAST
3. CLINTON WOULD BE FIRST PRESIDENT TO FACE REMOVAL FOR MERE DALLIANCES
2. A RUSSIAN ALASKA WOULD SERVE U.S. INTERESTS … Lincoln, Seward still bent on purchase
,,,and the NUMBER ONE WASHINGTON POST HEADLINE RE-WRITE from AMERICAN HISTORY is:
1.LYRICIST FRANCIS SCOTT KEY APPARENTLY OBLIVIOUS to the CARBON and CLIMATE IMPACTS of ‘THE ROCKETS’ RED GLARE”
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(Mayor Bill deBlasio and his “progressive” allies plan to close Rikers Island, which houses an average of 10,000 prisoners on a perfectly located island with only one point of egress. In its place, they want to build four “community jails” in residential neighborhoods that do not want them.)
10. Vote in your cell, no I.D. needed.
9. In-house dating now permitted, with “Skelmatch.com” website preferred.
8. Coffee hour with lattes served by corrections officers.
7. Prison jump suits by Ralph Lauren.
6. The good news: Rooftop gardening will give inmates agricultural skills. The bad news: Prisoners hope to consume all the weed they grow.
5. Judgmental “inmates” moniker to be replaced by “valued customer.”
4. Judgmental “prison cell” references morph into “living spaces.”
3. Individual hot tubs in each living space.
2. “Rec” hour to be managed by Equinox Fitness.
…and the NUMBER ONE AMENITY in the new “COMMUNITY JAILS” to replace Rikers Island is:
1. New Corrections department “frequent guest” program: Earn a future free night at a Ritz Carlton for every five nights spent in jail…
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. Bill was simply ”advising” Kamala in Des Moines.
9. Ronald Reagan was a Russian asset, too.
8. Whoever acid washed my 33,000 emails will also lead us to the “real killers” from the O.J. case….
7. Yes, there have been UFO sightings in my Westchester area. Why do you ask?
6. Sure, I sold American uranium to Russia. But how about those 100,000 Aeroflot miles I got in return?
5. Chelsea can just be appointed to that Congressional seat… can’t she?
4. What Steele Dossier?
3. I’m sure it was that Tulsi flirting with Bill!
2. Jimmy Hoffa has already taped a secret endorsement for the Iowa Democrat Caucuses
…and the NUMBER ONE PRONOUNCEMENT from HILLARY CLINTON this WEEK is….
1. I asked Elizabeth Warren what “Chappaqua” means in the Algonquin language. She said it means “separate bedrooms.”
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. You noticed that Barack Obama was sounding off on climate change and rising seas, but he bought a huge mansion right on Martha’s Vineyard’s lovely waterfront.
9. You wonder: “can anyone go in and vote without proof of I.D.?”
8. You read that Mrs. deBlasio spent well over $1 billion on her mental health initiative. For that much money, all the mentally ill must be off the streets, correct?
7. If you drive into Manhattan, City Council members call you “rich.” Now you must be taxed and tolled $20 extra for each trip in and out.
6. Governor Cuomo forced you to spend hundreds on his smaller clip for your pistol. That really solved mass shootings.
5. Your Mayor “asks” you to “contribute” 2% more of your income, but the budget never seems to truly balance.
4. You weren’t able “to keep your doctor.”
3. Senator Warren’s new “Wealth Tax” idea is on top of all the other taxes?
2. You thought “choice” was about better schools. No, it’s about the “right” to late term abortions.
…and the NUMBER ONE TIP-OFF THAT YOU MAY be LEANING REPUBLICAN is…
1. If your life depended on it, you couldn’t name more than seven genders.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. You are mayor of a city in Indiana or New York.
9. Voters back home in Minnesota still favor Al Franken over you.
8. You were remembered mostly for resembling that singer in “Abba.” (Gillibrand)
7. “YES!” (At the debate, you raised your hand to support free health care for illegals. We have the photo.)
6. You claimed Native American heritage to enter academia, then got paid over $400K NOT to teach at Harvard.
5. Your twin brother isn’t running, but is polling ahead of you for president.
4. Even after your great cardiac care on the campaign trail, you still favor Venezuelan-style health “reforms.”
3. People remember that you were THAT mayor of Newark. (Booker)
2. Voters can only identify “skateboarding” as your primary skill. (O’Rourke and Yang)
…and the NUMBER ONE INDICATOR that you are NOT LIKELY to BECOME PRESIDENT in 2020 is:
1. Even if your son’s name is “Hunter,” that won’t really cut it with gun owners. Or Ukrainian-Americans.
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This week’s “Top Ten” is not funny. It is truthful and sad.
10. Delay and block all efforts by patriotic organizations to obtain 501(c)3 tax exempt status for which they are qualified. Don’t prosecute or terminate anyone involved. Guarantee Federal pensions for perpetrators who retire.
9. Release $150 billion to the world’s #1 sponsor of terrorism, concealing your connections to that regime. Then claim “we got a good deal.”
8. Bring your ne’er-do-well son on your official VP trips to Ukraine and China, then watch him reap riches Marco Polo could only imagine.
7. Bleach and destroy 30,000 government-owned e-mails, even after they were subpoenaed.
6. Use taxpayer dollars to send weapons to Mexican drug gangs, leading to the deaths of Federal agents and citizens. Then, stonewall efforts by the Congress to investigate the operation, leading to the first “Contempt of Congress” majority vote for a sitting Attorney General.
5. Bully an ally’s government into firing their attorney general who is investigating your son’s company, then release $1 billion in aid to that government.
4. Pay millions for an entirely fabricated “dossier” from a hostile power, snarling Washington with two years of tail-chasing investigations.
3. Seek votes for president by calling for the impeachment of a US Supreme Court Justice, even after you realize the charges against him are bogus.
2. Make foreign policy decisions as Secretary of State, then see millions pour in to your personal foundation and your husband’s speaking-for-pay career from nations that you favored.
…and the NUMBER ONE ACTIVITY THAT DOESN’T SEEM to RISE to the STANDARD of “HIGH CRIMES and MISDEMEANORS” is…
1. Prosecute & eavesdrop on more journalists than all other presidents combined, then claim our current president is a threat to press freedom.
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10. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau searches for an Al Jolson Film Festival (French subtitles preferred).
9. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un switches to Mets t-shirt, blends in on the #7 Flushing line subway.
8. British PM Boris Johnson heads to Washington Heights for a buzz cut with “Brexit” shaved into his head.
7. French President Emmanuel Macron dons his predecessor’s motorcycle helmet to avoid recognition on his ride to Trump Tower to discuss future career possibilities.
6. The UN’s Secretary-General, Antonio Guterres, makes executive decision and firmly declares the drone bombing of major oil refineries “could possibly be an infraction.”
5. Greenland Premier Kim Kielsen shares blubber tacos with President Trump, asks if statehood could mean a “free” subway system for his island.
4. German Chancellor Angela Merkel buys up the 8 remaining copies of that “Time” magazine anointing her as the 2015 “Person of the Year” (That was the PRE-migrant crisis year…).
3. Mayor Bill deBlasio hosts breakfast for dictators of Cuba, Nicaragua and Venezuela, asking for tips on making NYC more “progressive.”
2. Al Gore, Mark Ruffalo and Leonardo diCaprio fly in synchronized (but separate, of course) private jets to arrive on time for the plenary session on “What ordinary folks can do to fight climate change.”
…and the NUMBER ONE NYC “BUCKET LIST” ACTIVITY DURING UNITED NATIONAL GENERAL ASSEMBLY WEEK is…
1.Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khameini files to renew his NYC Taxi Driver’s “hack” license….
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. More Marxists on that stage in Houston than in any vodka party in Soshi.
9. Julian Castro : what does he know from borscht ?
8. No, your “congestion pricing” is just too communist for Moscow.
7. If Elizabeth Warren gets her new tax on wealthy, how many Americanskis will move here for the 13% flat tax?
6. When CNN quotes a CNN source, who relied on another CNN source, is not like Izvestia quoting Pravda?
5. Retire in Style: “Leisure Village – Siberia”–condos still available. Best of all, Lake Baikal region means no Cuomo-deBlasio taxes!
4. You could elect Bernie Sanders…., or just see that future on your exciting Venezuela vacation.
3. Have your case of Stoli delivered, get your own free bonus copy of the phony Steele Dossier.
2. We have secret Trump tape! (He was eating cheeseburger in St. Petersburg)….
…and the NUMBER ONE RUSSIAN POST in AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA THIS WEEK is….
1.If Russian man flaps arms like your “Beto,” we help him right away in Murmansk mental hospital.
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Last week, conservative Tucker Carlson and leftist Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed on the potential for dramatic job losses due to robotics and other forms of automation and artificial intelligence. The most likely occupations to be threatened are those with predictable work processes and near-certain, foreseeable job results. Hence, this list.
10. “Climatologist,“ as anointed by Al Gore, AOC and Beto O’Rourke
9. Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee (this human job could be saved by 2021)
8. Madonna
7. Leonardo diCaprio’s private jet captain (auto-pilot always set toward the next Global Warming Conference)
6. Al Sharpton
5. General Secretary of the United Nations
4. MSNBC host
3. Majorities in the San Francisco and New York City Councils…
2. Keith Olbermann
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING JOB THAT COULD BE LOST DUE to ROBOTICS and AUTOMATION is….
1. New York Times editor
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Eight of these courses are actually being offered at major U.S. universities. Two are bogus. Can you guess which are which? (Answers follow the Top Ten list:)
10. Eco/ Queer/ Feminist Art Practices
9. Lenin, Castro and Manson — Misunderstood Populists?
8. The Rights and Wrongs of Killing People
7. Unsettling Whiteness
6. Zombies: The Anthropology of the Undead
5. Senior Seminar: The Drag of Black Masculinity
4. Queering the History of Emotions
3. Queer Theory and the Bible
2. Can There be Too Many Genders? An analysis of the 100 most popular choices.
…and the NUMBER ONE POLITICALLY CORRECT COLLEGE COURSE BEING OFFERED THIS FALL is:
1. Geographies of the Sexiness: Dance and Politics of (Dis)Respectability Across the Americas
ANSWERS: 10. Actual course offered at University of Michigan 9. Fake — created by your humble editor. 8. Offered at the University of Maryland. 7. Offered at Northwestern University. 6.Offered at Ohio State University. 5. Offered at Williams College. 4. Offered at Swarthmore College. 3. Offered at Pomona College. 2. Fake — created by your humble editor. 1. Offered at Bowdoin College.
THANKS GO TO YOUNG AMERICA’S FOUNDATION (Reston, VA) for PROVIDING THESE and COUNTLESS MORE RIDICULOUS COURSES NOW OFFERED AT AMERICAN COLLEGES & UNIVERSITIES…
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10. Quick! Buy “Air Greenland” stock this morning!
9. Leading candidate for governor of the great new State of Greenland campaigns on slogan: “Og, hvis valgt, jeg lover at holde disse forfærdelige Cuomo “trængsel prissætning ” vejafgifter ud af Grønland .” (And, if elected, I promise to keep those horrible Cuomo ‘congestion pricing’ tolls out of Greenland!”)
8. Save tax dollars by copying state flag of California, but photo-shop polar bear on to it.
7. Pizza Hut to roll out tasty “blubber” toppings nation-wide.
6. Just imagine those red, American-made hats: “Gor Gronland Godt Igen” (“Make Greenland Great Again,” in Danish).
5. “Miss USA” will no longer face swimsuit competition from “Miss Greenland.”
4. Your next NBA franchise: The “Nuuk Musk Oxen”
3. Believe it or not, the homeless issue really recedes here in winter.
2. Cheeky, newly-elected state legislators can re-name municipality of “Upernavik” as “Clothing Optional Dunes.”
…and the NUMBER ONE ADVANTAGE to GREENLAND BECOMING the 51st STATE is:
1. Who doesn’t want their own piece of “The Igloos at Trump Fjords?”
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Eight of these 10 “gaffes” are accurate quotes. The other two were made up by your humble editor. Can you guess which two are fake?
10. “We choose truth over facts…”
9. “This is a big $%&@#$% deal!” (heard over open microphone at the White House Obamacare bill signing ceremony)
8. “It’s great to be back here in North Carolina.” (during remarks in Danville, VA.)
7. “…Avoid planes, subways and classrooms.” (comment while other officials discouraged overreaction during swine flu epidemic)
6. “This isn’t a real massage, honey.”
5. “Why is it that Joe Biden is the first in his family ever to go to a university?” (part of a speech plagiarized from British political extremist Neil Kinnock)
4. “Folks, I can tell you I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.”
3. “Believe me, Barack Obama has a big stick.”
2. “Tulsi, Tulsi… If I was only 30 years younger.”
…and the NUMBER ONE GAFFE from a CERTAIN FORMER VICE PRESIDENT is:
1. “I mean, you get the first African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. I mean, that’s storybook, man.”
(Quotes #2 and #6 are completely fake. The rest were actually uttered by former VP Joe Biden).
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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10. So, you’re a “vegan,” Senator Booker? I liked that Mr. Spock character too.
9. Sorry, Congresswoman Gabbard. Ain’t no “lettuce on a stick” around here.
8. A huge cow made out of butter? Back in San Francisco, we have a 20-foot rat made from marijuana joints.
7. No, I won’t eat meat. But as your president, I would defend Lady Gaga’s right to wear it.
6. Senator Warren, does the Constitution really protect cannibalism?
5. I thought Pork Rinds played the fiddle for Rascal Flatts.
4. Maybe if I told you this steer died of natural causes…
3. Governor Enslee, the most carbon-friendly meat is actually squirrel. Boiled or grilled?
2. If your magic crystals can make this watercress taste like pulled pork, y’got my vote, Miss Williamson.
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT MADE to a PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE at the MEAT-FRIENDLY IOWA STATE FAIR is:
1. Senator Sanders, the “Wing Ding” dinner isn’t named for the entrees, but for your crazy platform.
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10. If you win the nomination, can I be the Ying to your Yang?
9. No, this isn’t a sugar high. I hop-scotch around El Paso like this all the time.
8. Suppose, just suppose… instead of giving everybody cash, we gave ’em a grand’s worth of weed each month…?
7. No, I’m not the “chrystals” lady, I’m a US Senator.
6. So your vacation White House would be in Newark?
5. So your winter White House would be in Minnesota?
4. Would you support giving each “undocumented“ person a free electric car? Show of hands, please.
3. Please, please. Just put this Indian headdress on just once, just for me…..
2. OK, there was no Gillibrand singing in “Abba.” Are you in the “tribute” band?
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AFTER or PRIOR to the DEMOCRAT DEBATES is:
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Guess which 8 entries are from an actual dating site, and which 2 were created by your editor…
10. 31, gender unimportant. Hitchhike with me along Comrade Che’s South American motorcycle paths this fall. Along the way, we will sleep under the stars and steal from plutocrats.
9. (He/they) baby anarchist, a tad religious, super queer, early 20s, Dumb brain w/ social anxiety impedes me from mtg people the old fashioned way…..
8. 38, he/him likes women. Sometimes described as an eclectic mix of value form theory, autonomism, Maoism, and Star Trek. Here to cook dinner or argue about social reproduction theory and Gritty. Just trying to keep socialism weird.
7. 23, black&puertorican pan trans girl (she/her) socialist looking for something casual/non/monog. Fairly reformist. w/ an appetite for the rich. Love biking+dancing in pretty dresses.
6. 26 he/him genderless, looking for she/her, they/them. unaffiliated. writes poetry. grand ambitions (delusional). silly.
5. significantly left (maybe anarcho-syndicalist) cis hetero male, 23yo looking for fwp, something casual, convos, possibly somethin’ serious. Interested in imperialism, feminist legal theses, Palestinian rights, food & movies.
4. 28 trans-fem queer socialist satanist (she/her) seeking any/all genders for fun and book recommendations. tell me queer county commune must-haves. no cops, no chasers.
3. 26 yr old cornbread communist. trans and queer gentlethem. misandry-adjacent. giallo-obsessed. graphic designer, artist and occasional gaymer. let’s cook dinner, build a fire, or go on a hike!! into moral clarity, painterly distraction.
2. 29, straight, autistic, n.b. acid convert, Music and literature, but nowadays mostly music. Let’s jam and get rid of right to work laws together.
…and the NUMBER ONE AD GLEANED FROM a LEFT-OF-CENTER DATING SITE is:
Which two entries were written by your editor? Numbers 10 and 1. All others actual ads are from a lefty dating site.
“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.
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(Whew! We had a 14-hour power and Internet outage, so we barely got this “Top Ten” to your inbox on time….)
10. Why wait? Call for the immediate
abolition of the gasoline-powered engine. Hold your “press
avail” at the Indianapolis 500.
9. Find and announce another five genders.
8. When comparing air-conditioned processing centers for illegals to Nazi death camps, be brave and do so at a gathering of Holocaust survivors.
7. Try to reclaim a former stronghold of Democrat voters. Hold your next “Green New Deal” news conference outside the Marshal County Coal Mine in West Virginia.
6. If your government health plan is enacted, tell us if Medicare will go bankrupt before Congresswoman Ocasio becomes eligible to run for president (2024).
5. Historically, ladies, how often does “democratic” socialism remain democratic?
4. Kindly explain how criticism of ideas equals racism.
3. Of course “the Squad” has ideas on dealing with the Strait of Hormuz, nukes in Korea, the South China Sea and eastern Ukraine. Back to-ya in a minute.
2. Prank Speaker Pelosi by wearing your Antifa masks on the floor of the House.
…and the NUMBER ONE WAY the FOUR RADICAL CONGRESSWOMEN can PROMOTE THEIR “PROGRESSIVE” AGENDA is:
1. As soon as US Senator Mazie Hirono lands in Honolulu’s Daniel K. Inouye Airport, make good on your promise to shut down airplane travel.
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10. Is that anything nutritious on your head?
9. Hair? That is so 2015.
8. As a matter of fact, I actually do keep a weapon up there.
7. I have found that my mohawk has assisted me in closing high-end sales.
6. Indeed, I have other similarities to Rasputin….
5. That message I shaved in to my skull says: “GIVE ME THIS JOB.” Impressed?
4. I just prefer housepaint to shampoo…
3. My hairdresser says this is “Friar Tuck light.”
2. Yes, others have also called me “aerodynamic.”
…and the NUMBER ONE WORKFORCE DISCUSSION POINT NOW THAT “HAIRSTYLE DISCRIMINATION” is to BE DISCOURAGED is:
1. And if you hire me, you’ll find that cell phone reception improves in the vicinity of my skull…
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10. Drivers’ licenses are one thing, but how how about free Priuses ? (a worthy addendum to that ‘Green New Deal!’)
9. Oppose all efforts to build a border wall, which would unfairly exclude non-track & field athletes from immediate government benefits in the U.S.
8. Cross the border, marry an American (-but not the punitive, patriarchal kind of marriage so horribly typical in America).
7. Vote against any Congressional funding to create more facilities and hire needed staff for the border.
6. Refer to all the migrants in an endless caravan of thousands as “refugees.”
5. By all means, have a photo-op and a high-volume news conference , but never speak with actual Federal agents.
4. Remember, this is all Trump’s fault.
3. Free buses to El Paso, Tucson, Tempe and San Diego. Sorry, only chilled food service available.
2. Sanctuary cities? States? We need a sanctuary nation, baby!
…and the NUMBER ONE WAY “PROGRESSIVES” ARE REALLY PROVING THEY WANT to END ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION is:
1.Have all current candidates for President support free care for illegals in America’s oppressive, inferior health care system.
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10. Which is preferable to you : President Trump’s strong sanctions against Russia, or Hillary Clinton’s sale of American uranium assets to Vladimir Putin?
9. When and where did you last hunt for your own food?
8. You have all been running for president for months now. Who wants to admit that your city or state is operating better without you? Show of hands, please.
7. How many illegal immigrants have you granted sanctuary to in your own house?
6. Senator Bernie Sanders doesn’t seem to comprehend the difference between “revenue” and “profit.” Can any of you explain this to him?
5. If it was wrong for past members of Congress to work with segregationist Senators…. what about anti-semitic extremists like Representatives Omar and Tlaib today?
4. Do you agree with Secretary Castro that transgender women require abortion rights?
3. If Presidents Harry S. Truman, John F. Kennedy or Lyndon B. Johnson were running for re-election today, would you or another “progressive” deserve support in opposing them?
2. You all agree that illegal aliens deserve free, unlimited health care at taxpayer expense. What other “free stuff” do you propose for illegals?
…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED “LIGHTING ROUND” QUESTION for the NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE is:
1. Most of your states have decriminalized marijuana possession. Are you high at this very moment?
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10. A CREEPY GUY for EVERY LADIES ROOM !!
9. NOBODY WILL EVER HAVE to PAY for ALL THIS FREE STUFF I am PROMISING.
-Kamala
8. “I’LL do for the COUNTRY WHAT MY WIFE did for BURLINGTON COLLEGE!”
(–Bernie Sanders’ wife drove the college in to bankruptcy.)
7. MAKE AMERICA LIKE NEWARK!
-former Newark Mayor Cory Booker
6. MAYBE VENEZUELA ISN’T MY IDEAL MODEL….
-Elizabeth Warren
5. AS SOUTH BEND GOES, SO GOES the NATION!
– Mayor Pete Buttigieg
4. REPARATIONS NATION, BABY!
– Kirsten Gillibrand
3. FULL EMPLOYMENT is OVER-RATED
– Joe Biden
2. WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE, 170,000 FLEEING NEW YORKERS….. or YOUR LYING EYES?”
– Mayor Bill DeBlasio
… and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN to COUNTER “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” is:
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10. “LA LA LAND” ( Kamala Harris and the bizarre California culture that spawned her.)
9. “ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK II” (Bill De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo co-star in an all-too-real drive to depopulate a great city)
8. “LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE” starring Congresswoman Ilhan Omar
7. “JURASSIC BIDEN: The Resurrection”
6. “12 YEARS a MODERATE” (Presidential hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand explains her time representing a mostly rural Congressional district)
5. “CROUCHING SOCIALIST, HIDDEN STRONGMAN” (Bernie Sanders really believes that bigger government is the answer – to everything!)
4. “THE CHARGE of the REALLY, REALLY LIGHT BRIGADE” (All 24 Democrat candidates for President are willing to fall for any scheme that inflates government and raises taxes.)
3. BARACK’S LABYRINTH (The untold story of real Americans struggling to navigate a hopelessly complex and unaffordable Obamacare).
2. ETERNAL SUNSHINE of the CLUELESS MIND (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explains voting for bills prior to reading them…)
…and the NUMBER ONE SUMMER MOVIE RELEASE WE’D LIKE to SEE in JULY is…
1.THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (The definitive Elizabeth Warren biopic…)
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10. THREE HUNDRED NORMANDY CIVILIANS KILLED IN SURPRISE U.S. RAIDS
9. LOOKING AHEAD TO ELECTION, PRESIDENT SEEKS TO BURNISH HIS “AMERICA FIRST” IMAGE
8. WHY NORMANDY AND NOT BRITTANY? STRATEGISTS DEBATE.
7. SOME FEAR THAT ATTACK COULD PROVOKE HITLER TO INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS
6. AFTERMATH OF LANDINGS AT UTAH AND OMAHA BEACHES REVEALS UNPRECEDENTED ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION
5. CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE QUESTIONS PRESIDENT’S LACK OF TRANSPARENCY IN PLANNING INCURSION ACROSS ENGLISH CHANNEL
4. SOME BELIEVE THAT SECRET MEETINGS WITH RUSSIAN MILITARY WARRANT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR
3. WASHINGTON POST OBTAINS DOCUMENTS THAT REVEAL EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALLIED SHIPS, AIRCRAFT AND TROOPS
2. IN PLANNING LAVATORIES FOR 156,000 TROOPS, TRANSGENDER ISSUES FALL BY THE WAYSIDE
…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE if TODAY’S MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS COVERING the D-DAY LANDINGS is:
1.MUSSOLINI CRITICIZES D-DAY FOR PALPABLE IMPACT ON CLIMATE CHANGE
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(YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS AFTER THIS POST. SEE YOU SOON…)
10. “That rum-soaked Russkie!”
9. “Yes, there is a secret American hotel video of Vladimir Putin. And it’s from Branson, Missouri.”
8. “True, there was no collusion between the President’s campaign and any Russian national or their agents. But there was this pushy, annoying Canadian guy.”
7. ‘That’s an irrelevant question, you pipsqueak!”
6. “Of the $35 million you gave us to investigate the election, we spent $2.1 mil on obsolete FAX machines. Hey, this IS our Federal government, y’know.”
5. “No, YOU should resign, Senator!”
4. “Let me answer you in the form of a limerick.”
3. “M’am, you want me to trust the word of that certified boozehound?”
2. “I know the President did not engage in obstruction of justice. But sometimes he’s got this, like, ‘obstructive personality,’ y’know?”
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING COMMENT BOB MUELLER WILL USE in HIS TESTIMONY to the HOUSE & SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEES is…
1. “Congressman, I can explain my answer again. But I can’t comprehend it for you.”
REMINDER: “YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WILL BE “ON HIATUS” for a FEW WEEKS. SEE YOU SOON.
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10. 65,000 homeless can’t be wrong.
9. $20 tolls for Every Downtown Driver in America!
8. There is too much money in the “wrong hands.” Now, fork it over.
7. Foreign Policy Experience? Bill knows Cuba and Nicaragua.
6. People of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina: You Need to Start Commuting by Subway.
5. No, he is not Mayor Pete!
4. As Crazy as Bernie, but Younger & Taller.
3. We Can Make Washington the New Caracas.
2. Open Borders and No Private Guns: Perfect Together!
…and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN for the NASCENT “BILL DeBLASIO for PRESIDENT” CAMPAIGN is….
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10. When meeting with Anita Hill to express regret, offer a teasingly slow shoulder massage.
9. Admit it, Joe. Admit that growing up in Scranton gave you undeserved privilege.
8. Make really sure you only accept cash donations from Harvey Weinstein.
7. Try to work in the words “woke,” “me too,” and “multi-gendered” in to every speech, but not all in the same sentence.
6. There is no need to call Mayor Pete a “whippersnapper,” not yet.
5. During the Democratic primary debates, resist sniffing Bernie’s hair or rubbing noses with Kamala.
4. When firing that shotgun off from your back porch, always be sure to yell: “They wanna put y’all back in chains!”
3. To conclude a hard day of campaigning in Chicago, visit with Jussie Smollett to express concern for his “trauma.”
2. Reserve your famous “articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking” compliment only for foreign leaders.”
…and the NUMBER ONE WAY that JOE BIDEN can DEMONSTRATE he is “SUFFICIENTLY PROGRESSIVE” is…
1. Endorse “Cosmetic Surgery for All,” beginning with hair plugs.
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10. The White House approved only 3 VIP White House tours for Congressman Swallwell.
9. In firing James Comey, the President is on tape shouting “… and don’t let the door hit you….”
8. Governor Andrew Cuomo can disband the entire Moreland Commission investigating public corruption. But if the President just THINKS about firing a counsel … that’s impeachable!
7. Mr. Trump just wouldn’t take John Brennan’s word on things.
6. The President had the audacity to call Rep. Adam Schiff a “pencil neck.” Ain’t that right, Shifty?
5. Him using that word “hoax” has got to be a high crime, if not a misdemeanor.
4. While renting at “Trump Village” in 1977, Manhattan Congressman Jerry Nadler had to call three times about a leaky faucet.
3. This House must carry on the relentless “investigative” work of Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow, Charles Blow and Brian Williams.
2. Just look at this “collusion” message hidden within a Roger Stone tattoo.
…and the NUMBER ONE SECRET ARTICLE of IMPEACHMENT BEING PREPARED by “PROGRESSIVE” HOUSE MEMBERS is:
1. Mar-a-Lago just would not offer Joe Biden his usual free room upgrade.
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10. When vegetarian actress Pamela Anderson visited Julian Assange, she “smuggled” in three Big Macs for him.
9. Hillary Clinton remains one of the world’s top experts on acid-washing of e-mails. She will speak to your organization about “Covering Your Tracks” for only $250,000.
8. Vladimir Putin lusts after Ukraine largely so he can impress a certain anchorwoman in Kiev.
7. A Barack Obama e-mail once referred to Joe Biden as a “grinning goofball.”
6. China’s President Xi really wants an American-made Hummer for weekends.
5. At least five European heads of state secretly believe “climate change” is a scam.
4. Until April, four Democratic candidates for president were considering creepy lawyer Michael Avenatti as a running mate.
3. Prior to offering the Nigerian brothers $3,500 to beat him up, Jussie Smollett asked “Empire” fan George Stephanopoulos to wear a “MAGA” cap and do it for $1,800.
2. For the $1.1 million she paid for the fraudulent Steele and Fusion GPS dossier, Hillary Clinton also received 3 free nights at any Best Western in the country and a month supply of Popeye’s Fried Chicken.
...and the NUMBER ONE YET-to-BE RELEASED WIKILEAKS REVELATION is,,,
1.There are no showers in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.
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10. Prior to the election, the Trump Organization was only considering a Motel 6 franchise in Moscow.
9. During his brief tenure in the White House, General Mike Flynn was called 11 times by Senator Elizabeth Warren for VIP White House Tours.
8. James Comey authorized electronic eavesdropping while Eric and Lara Trump visited heavily Russian Brighton Beach for dinner.
7. Grand Jury testimony revealed that Roger Stone still has a Richard Nixon tattoo, but none of Vladimir Putin.
6. Through a personal contact, it was James Brennan who got borscht and Stolychnaya added to the White House Mess menu last year.
5. That “secret hotel video” from Russia shows citizen Trump raiding the mini-bar in his Moscow room.
4. While Hillary Clinton was deeply involved in meetings about her fake “Steele Dossier,” leading to a fraudulent FISA order, Bill was making new friends at the “Hooters” in White Plains, NY.
3. Of the 240 subpoenas issued by the Special Counsel’s staff, only two involved glossy photos of Melania Trump.
2. The Mueller staff featured 42 attorneys, which enabled at least one of them to always be free for a coffee-and-doughnuts run.
…and the NUMBER ONE FACT or FINDING to be REDACTED PRIOR to the RELEASE of the MUELLER REPORT is…
1. Of the $35 million spent on the Russia Investigation, $1.8 million went to buying FAX machines and beepers. Hey, this IS the Federal government.
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10. HOUSE CRITICS OF PRESIDENT, IN WAKE OF MUELLER REPORT, WON’T TABULATE CALLS DEMANDING THEIR RESIGNATIONS -Washington Post
9. PROVEN TO BE ACCURATE ABOUT NO “RUSSIAN COLLUSION,” PRESIDENT TOUTS RECORD LEVELS OF EMPLOYMENT – New York Times
8. PROMISED ANONYMITY, MORE THAN 80 HOUSE DEMOCRATS COMPLAIN OF REP. OCASIO’S “STAGGERING IGNORANCE” -Boston Globe
7. STILL SEEING WHITE HOUSE CONSPIRACIES, CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL GENERATES OFFERS OF PRO-BONO MENTAL HEALTH ASSISTANCE- Fresno Bee
6. IN WAKE OF PRESIDENT’S COMPLETE EXONERATION, COMIC BILL MAHER APPEARS AS SOMBER AS JAMES BRENNAN- Hollywood Reporter
5. FEDERAL RESERVE DOWNGRADES ECONOMIC GROWTH PROJECTIONS TO MERELY “VERY POSITIVE” – Financial Times
4. EUROPEAN LEADERS COMPLAIN ABOUT PRESIDENT, BUT HEED HIS CALL TO INCREASE NATO COMMITMENTS – San Francisco Chronicle
3. 109,000 APPREHENSIONS OF ILLEGALS AT BORDER IN FEBRUARY DEEMED “NO EMERGENCY” BY PELOSI, SCHUMER – Atlanta Constitution
2. CHASTENED BY MUELLER REPORT, CONGRESSWOMAN TLAIB ESCHEWS PUBLIC OBSCENITIES FOR 37 HOURS – Detroit Free Press
…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…
1.NEW TAXES AND TOLLS AWAIT LEGISLATIVE APPROVAL, BUT BOLSTER IMAGES OF CUOMO, DeBLASIO AS OPPONENTS OF WORKING PEOPLE – NY Daily News
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10. – OK, so there was no collusion. How about ”planning to consider conspiring to commit collusion?” – CNN
9. No indictments does not mean innocence. Suppose The Trump Foundation committed treason? – Cong. Adam Schiff
8. When Donald Trump interviewed Brett Kavanaugh, you don’t think they talked Russia? -Sen. Kamala Harris
7. You watch. They’re gonna serve borscht at the White House Mess this week. -NPR
6. Look at this photo of the President arriving in London on Aeroflot ! They couldn’t photo-shop, that, could they? – George Stephanopoulos
5. What on earth would we investigate Hillary for? – the New York Times
4. So there will be no indictments. Our committee now turns to investigating those dangerous, nasty Tweets. – Cong. Jerold Nadler
3. We will be committing staff to look into those Trump rallies in Moscow, Idaho and Russian River, California. -MSNBC
2. An unnamed source claims that the former Mrs. Putin may be living in the Lincoln bedroom. -Michael Moore
…and the NUMBER ONE ALREADY-PREPARED COMMENT PRIOR to the MUELLER REPORT’S RELEASE to the PUBLIC is:
1. My order for triple-secret-probation remains in force. – Dean Wormer
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10. For the Stanford admission, would you accept $48,000 and the complete DVD set of “Desperate Housewives?”
9. If Mr. Einstein takes the SAT, that’ll be $35,000. But if Mr. Edison sits for the test, the charge is only $25,000.
8. Just think of us as “expeditors,” like those guys at Motor Vehicles.
7. I think that pro-Trump admissions essay may not get you the desired result with Harvard.
6. I’ll bet you had no idea that your Shrimpy could dunk.
5. (An SAT test taker answers a question from the test proctor:) “Of course I’m a student at Greenville Senior High. Grey hair just runs early on my mother’s side.”
4. Yes, Bubba has been accepted in to the college and on to the equestrian team. But how come this photo shows your teen on a horse, with a body really similar to Vladimir Putin’s?
3. Chelsea’s essay already mentions Kamala, Beto and Corey? She won’t even need us to get in to Princeton.
2. I think he may be the first high schooler ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.
..and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL INVESTIGATION is:.
1. Fair enough, you’ve never played soccer. Can you spell soccer?
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10. There is no “A” train subway service to the Hilton Head beaches.
9. He hadn’t heard the term “Cracker” since his buddy Al Sharpton incited that famous arson incident.
8. You mean there are no local income taxes in this state?
7. Noo Yawk sounds about the same in a Carolina accent.
6. Voters in Beaufort really appreciated hearing about Mrs. deBlasio’s $1 billion in phantom mental health spending.
5. Even the college graduates in Columbia,SC needed a second explanation for that “Sanctuary City” idea.
4. People can really carry pistols for their own protection down here?
3. Yes, mayor, no toll is charged to cross this bridge.
2. Folks down here actually believe that if they tax too much, people will leave the state.
…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO DURING HIS “EXPLORATORY” VISIT to SOUTH CAROLINA is:
1. South Carolinians kept confusing Big Bill with his fellow presidential hopeful: South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg.
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10. Bernie hasn’t worn a red military jacket like Maduro’s since the `69 Woodstock Festival.
9. Even if he has to clear-cut Vermont’s Green Mountain forests, Bernie swears we’ll never have a toilet paper shortage.
8. Maduro may have stolen his elections, but even he supports Voter I.D.
7. Venezuelans don’t need Bernie’s “Medicare for All.” They’ve already got a Cuban doctor for every 20,000 residents.
6. If they pass that “Green New Deal,” what will Maduro do with all those Citgo gas stations?
5. Mrs. Ines Flores Maduro only maxed out their government credit card during “U. N. Week” in New York.
Mrs. Jane Driscoll Sanders bankrupted a whole university, leaving Burlington College defunct.
4. In Venezuela, Maduro has actually run out of other people’s money.
3. Maduro’s military would be too large for Bernie’s America.
2. Bernie’s base marches in Birkenstocks, Maduro’s prefers polished jackboots.
…and the NUMBER ONE MOST OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOCIALIST CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS and VENEZUELAN SOCIALIST ICON NICOLAS MADURO is….
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10. It’s a very pleasant 5 block walk from Trump Tower to the Russian Tea Room.
9. Showing off memory prowess, Paul Manafort chortingly recited John Podesta e-mails about Hillary from Wikileaks.
8. Until this month, the most credible secret informer claiming collusion with Russians was Jussie Smollett.
7. In candidate Trump’s office, Roger Stone rolled up his sleeve to reveal a “Vladimir Putin tattoo.” Turned out to be a prank henna that washed off in 3 days. That Roger!
6. Christopher Steele just seemed so sincere and so honest.
5. During the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow, businessman Donald Trump accepted a cold borscht sent over by the mayor.
4. Trying out future campaign nicknames on his escalator, Trump was undecided between “Little Vladimir” and “Lyin’ Vladdy.”
3. On tape, we can hear candidate Trump wondering if he too could get “$250,000 a speech in Moscow, like Bill Clinton.”
2. Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was sighted chugging a machiato at the Starbucks in the Trump Tower lobby.
…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY FINDING in the DRAFT MUELLER REPORT is….
1. There IS an embarrassing tape from that Moscow hotel room. A voracious Trump can be seen clearing out that entire mini bar.
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