Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. You sayin’ the massage therapist expects tips?

9.  Honestly, you would have thought she was at least 18.

8.  It’s my right to microwave fish here.

7.  Sir, pants are almost always part of a dress code.

6. What comes after the number “8?”

5. ​If this is a “rubber” room, ​ how come there’s so much fine Corinthian leather in these chairs?

4.  Could you change that channel to Maury Povich?

3.   Where’s the “Palestinian” flag in this place?

2.   If we call a wildcat strike here in the Rubber Room, ​do I still have tenure?

   …and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD in the NYC. DEPT. of EDUCATION’S “RUBBER ROOM” is…

1. ​ If the Rubber Room is a “reassignment center,” do we expect a public school to be a “learning center?”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. They tell me that if a Baltimore teen has an “MS-13” shirt, he has pride in his “Middle School.”

9. Abrego, if I may call you that, sir…    You would never raise your hand in anger against a woman, would you?

8.  Kilmar Abrego Garcia….   Kilmar Abrego Garcia…    I love how lyrical that sounds.   Did you ever play for the Orioles?

7.  I am filing a bill next week to rename Francis Scott Key National Monument in Baltimore as “Kilmar Abrego Garcia National Recreation Area.”

6.  Kilmar Abrego means “tender father” in English, does it not?

5.   Do they serve margaritas to the general prison population here?

4.  OK, Mr. Garcia.    They are moving you to your own quarters for now.     Can I come over and watch HBO tonight?

3.  One beautiful thing about being a U.S. Senator, sir, is that long-sleeve dress shirts cover any and all gang tattoos.

2. “Tren de Aragua” really refers to the “A” train in New York, I’m told.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING “THAT SENATOR’S” TRIP to EL SALVADOR is…

1. What the heck kind of progressive are you, flying commercial instead ofprivate ??

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe to newsletter”” boxes and submit.

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 10.    Israel and Ukraine are aggressors.

9.    New York City can raise taxes with no consequences.

8.  Kamala will be California’s salvation.

7.     This nation will be fine with less energy production.

6.      The world is safer with hypersonic missile ownership limited to Russia, Red China and Iran.

5.      “Violence interrupters” and social workers reduce the need for police.

4.    The pledge of allegiance is racist, but a “Meet your transgender neighbor” assembly is perfect for middle-schoolers.

3.      Voter I. D. is r​eaction​ary and suppresses voting.

2.     ​The question that has no correct answer is: “What is a woman?”

… and the NUMBER ONE RUMOR THAT is LESS BELIEVABLE THAN the EASTER BUNNY is…

1.       WHAT $37 trillion national debt??   We really “need” lots more free stuff!

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe to newsletter”” boxes and submit.

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10.  ​ The Taliban has a 10,000% tariff on DVDs of ​ the film“Lone Survivor​.”

9. Italy has a 30% tariff on canned Chef Boy-ar-Dee products.   No one ever took the blame for this​.

8. ​ In response to talk of annexation, Greenland ​has retaliated with a 2,000% tariff on American seal blubber.

7.  For ​uttering a joke about the Supreme Leader​ during trade negotiations, ​the Islamic Republic of Iran demands $2​,000 to cover the costs of ​your funeral.

6. Albania and France impose a 50% fee on all of Liam Neeson’s  tourism-killing​ “Taken” movies.

5.  Mexico adds a 25% fee on “Casamigos” tequila imports, ​excepting Clooney​-autograph​ed bottle​s.

4.  ​Prior to your “pre-import” meeting with Kim Jong-un, drop the names of three NBA stars and you will only have to kiss the beloved North Korean leader’s ring…

3.  On 5-day old sushi from the USA, Japan offers no barriers or tariffs at all.  

2. Manufacturers of “transgender swimwear” have been waiting for a customs decision from Pakistan for three years.

…and the NUMBER ONE QUIRK in the INTERNATIONAL TRADE and TARIFF LANDSCAPE is…

1. The president has fast-tracked a zero tariff policy on all imported high-pressure shower heads.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe to newsletter”” boxes and submit.

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                                                                                                                                        (Sorry that last week’s posting did not occur, due to a tech glitch.)

10.  I had no idea that Barack went into acting.

9.  Is that da​ng S.O.B. Clooney playing opposite him?

8. Jill, tell me the truth:   is this the same box Lincoln sat in?

7. Is that S.O.B. Clooney I see tending bar back there?

6.   Of course these tickets were free.  The last thing I paid for was a term paper in college.

5.  Wow, the west side of Manhattan with thousands of people who can afford $1,500 tickets.    That’s my base !

4.  I haven’t heard any “Lion King” songs at all.

3.  ​Call Hunter and Jim.    We can’t make a single dollar in this place.

2.  Where is the ice cream machine?

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST THOUGHT of JOSEPH BIDEN WHILE ATTENDING the PREMIERE of “OTHELLO” on BROADWAY was:

1. If we made the rich “pay their fair share,” I guess this theater would be empty.   

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  I had no idea that Barack went into acting.

9.  Is that da​ng S.O.B. Clooney playing opposite him?

8. Jill, tell me the truth:   is this the same box Lincoln sat in?

7. Is that S.O.B. Clooney I see tending bar back there?

6.   Of course these tickets were free.  The last thing I paid for was a term paper in college.

5.  Wow, the west side of Manhattan with thousands of people who can afford $1,500 tickets.    That’s my base !

4.  I haven’t heard any “Lion King” songs at all.

3.  ​Call Hunter and Jim.    We can’t make a single dollar in this place.

2.  Where is the ice cream machine?

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST THOUGHT of JOSEPH BIDEN WHILE ATTENDING the PREMIERE of “OTHELLO” on BROADWAY was:

1. If we made the rich “pay their fair share,” I guess this theater would be empty.   

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.   E​SCAPE from NEW YORK II​ —  (Former Governor Andrew Cuomo declares for Mayor, threatening to do for NYC what he did to NY State, chasing more millions out of his jurisdictions).

9. THE WITCHES of CONGRESS​   —  (Still in production, your nominees are welcome).                                    

8. RIO BRAVO​ II   —   (Water pistol gunslingers Kamala and Majorkas finally take the S-L-O-O-O-W road to the southern border,​  for the first time.    ​Driver Alejandro has to keep recharging their electric vehicle).

     ​ 7.  T​HE NUTTY PROFESSOR​ II   —  (T​his one is the Elizabeth Warren biopic…)

     ​ 6.   TWELVE YEARS A MODERATE     (US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand delves deeply into the recesses of her distant memories, when she represented a rural, pro-gun upstate Congressional district).

     ​ 5.   ARRIVAL II  —   (Cheered on by Joseph Biden and his “Transgender Ideology” allies, large muscular humans easily achieve first-place medals in Collegiate Women’s Swimming & other sports, capped off by long, hot showers as terrified, innocent co-eds await their turns in university locker rooms)   (Rated “ X “).

   ​ 4,   NO COUNTRY for YOUNG TAXPAYERS  —    (With the Trump I tax cuts soon to expire, mobs led by Schumer, Jeffries, the New York Times and MSNBC  seek to block this vital policy,  forcing trillions in new taxes upon long suffering, hard-working, taxpaying Americans).

  ​ 3.   LOST IN TRANSLATION  II —  (No matter what the US Supreme Court rules, or what the Secretary of Transportation vocally mandates, Governor Kathy Hochul remains hell-bent on denying New Yorkers’ Second Amendment rights, as well as keeping her hated & illegal “Dracula Tolls” in place).

  ​ 2. GET OUT II  —   (After mere weeks, career criminal migrants take heed of Border Czar Tom Homan’s subtle message….     and self-deport).        

…and the NUMBER ONE MOVIE SEQUEL RELEASE EXPECTED in 2025 is:

1. THE GRIFTERS II   —   (The Biden crime family outdoes any Cosa Nostra syndicate in scoring ill-gotten millions…..     and all while on the public payroll!).

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” will return in one week, arriving in email boxes on March 24th.

Blessings for St. Patrick’s Day to you.

10. Bring your E-Z Pass windshield transponder, anticipating a new Kathy Hochul “congestion pricing” toll on the planet.

9.  On Mars, even having ​ a VCR will make you a hit with the local “Red Planet Babes” population.

8.   Bring enough “My Pillows,” and Mike Lindell may give you the franchise for that region of the solar system.

7.    Beg the locals not to remove AM radio from your Mars-Rover vehicles.

6.    When you make your list of animals to breed in the cool Martian climate, don’t fret.   The cockroaches are waiting for you on the starship.

5.    In a high stress, new-planet environment, you may need sleep aids.    Consider “audio book” speeches by Andrew Cuomo, Joseph Biden and Elizabeth Warren.

4.    The strongest astronaut will become the Martian “Philosopher-King.”    It’s kind of like being governor of Minnesota or California.

3.      To keep more of the planet to yourself, try naming new settlements thusly:     “Devil’s Island,” “East Palestine,” “Three Mile Island,” “Love Canal,”  “Chernobyl,” and “Tsunami Shores.”

2.  Don’t yell at the Amazon guy just for double-parking.

…and the NUMBER ONE “STARTER CHECKLIST” ITEM for the FIRST U. S. COLONY on MARS is:

1.    If your local TV news anchor team operates under DEI,                   …remember that means including more Earthlings.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  Got General Services to repaint my private “Tow Away Zone – Deputy Assistant District Director ONLY” parking spot.

9. Convened three unit-wide meetings to figure out how we can keep doing DEI….   but come up with a new name for it.

8.   Took unexpended money from last fiscal year and bought everyone in the district office new briefcases. They used them at our “team building collective” conference, at the Ritz-Carlton.  

7.  Prepared a helpful “Memo on Memos,” helping my colleagues to keep track of the dozens of memoranda from our Director, other supervisors, peers and subordinates that arrive each week.    ** 

6. During our daily office “Wellness Break,” we created snow angels to spell out:  “Not ever, Mr. Musk!“

5. Update our Federal building lobby directory so that President George W. Bush’s photo is finally replaced. 

4. Encourage participation in the building fire drill by offering massages and cocktails when completed.

3. Create a new private website so that “trans” staff can continue their lascivious “chats” offline   (though on Federal duty, as ever).

2. Requisition a Federal passenger jet to bring our office staff to the poverty conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands.  ***

…and the NUMBER ONE RESPONSE to “WHAT DID YOU ACCOMPLISH LAST WEEK?” is…

1. ​Finalize implementing our new $32 million phone system, so that no American will ever be able to reach a human Federal employee at our agency.

TABLE:

** = At one Federal agency where I toiled, they actually created a “Memo on Memos.”

***= In December of one year, HHS’ anti-poverty “Head Start” program held its national conference in the Grand Hyatt Resort, then on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.  Look, he didn’t kill ALL of New York’s seniors.

9.  Andrew really, really needs another mansion to live in.

8. Was I a perfect governor?    No, I still regret not getting that one woman’s phone number.

7.   Sure, some people mind that he named that bridge for Daddy.   But it was built for only three times the original cost estimate.

6.  Remember “New York has no future as the highest-taxed state…?”      Neither do I.

5.  In my last term, they claimed my “Buffalo Billions” was a corrupt boondoggle.     Who’s up for my new “Tribeca Trillions?”

4.  No cash bail is the least we can do for all the new “guests” we have from the border.

3.  He still needs to impress Mama Matilda and kid bro Chris

      2.   Consider that Mayor Adams got upgraded on Turkish Airlines.  Compared to that, some friendly groping don’t seem so horrible, do it?     

…and the NUMBER ONE “TRIAL BALLOON” TALKING POINT for the NASCENT ANDREW CUOMO for NYC MAYOR CAMPAIGN is:

1.  Why am I running for mayor?   As Henry Kissinger told us, “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.”

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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Note:               Two of these examples are bogus, created by your faithful editor.   Can you guess which two are fakes?   See answer at bottom.

10.  The Social Security Administration paid Federal disability benefits to over 7,000 people who were employed by the Federal government at the same time.

      9.   $15 million to the Taliban for condoms.

8.  $13.5 million to a partnership of the Bolshoi Ballet and the Moscow Philharmonic, to produce “Springtime for Vladdy.”

7.   $7.9 million to Sri Lanka to combat “binary gender language.”

6.   $20 million to create an Iraqi version of “Sesame Street.”

5.    $8 million to purchase subscriptions to “Politico Pro” for Federal employees.

4.    A $21 million challenge grant issued to the Saudi Royal family for a “PG” rated TV pilot of “Sex and the Desert.”

3.   $7.1 million for a “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous and People of Color) speaker series in Canada.

2.   $447,000 to Nepal to “promote an expansion of atheism.”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING, as DISCOVERED by D.O.G.E. is…

1. Syrian national Mahmoud Al Hafyan diverted $9 million in U.S. humanitarian aid to terrorist groups, including the Al-Nusra Front.

Examples #4 and #8 are bogus, created by your editor.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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​10.  An all-season ice cream bar, never to run out of Joe’s chocolate chip​.

9. Welcome video from “Admiral” “Rachel” Levine.

​ 8.   A one-way ATM, where visitors insert cash (minimum $25,000) with instructions for a Biden family member to make a call (but just one) ​and an “ask” ….

​ 7.  An all-gender locker room with open showers.

​

​ 6.   In the place of the traditional Air Force One on display, the Biden Library will feature the C-17 used to evacuate Afghanistan, with life-like dummies in turbans glued to the landing gear.

5. Within a 100 mile radius of Wilmington, seek out the most flamboyant “drag queens” to read scary tales of “climate migration” to little children.

4.  A life-like hologram of Joseph Biden, where he appears to be answering the public’s questions.    No matter what a visitor says, the Biden image responds:  “Yes, we can afford that.”

3. In the 2,000-seat “George Soros Theater,” visitors enjoy a 12-minute cartoon, where characters who seem to resemble Kamala, George Clooney, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama gang up on the president, eventually throwing him through a second-story White House window, with Dr. Jill unable to fend off the attackers.   

2. To honor the memory and spirit of Joseph’s “Green New Deal,” the Biden Presidential Library will be 100% powered by renewable energy, such as wind and solar.

…and the NUMBER ONE “CHECKLIST ITEM” in the EARLY PLANNING for the JOSEPH BIDEN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is…

1. Due to our internal energy policies, the Biden Library’s  ‘Expected Hours of Operation’ will be limited:  1:00 PM to 2:30 PM on Tuesdays only                                              ( we’ll never apologize for electricity shortages). 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.   ​Military base mess halls will no longer garnish soft drinks with little umbrellas.

    9.    Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets will have the steak tartare option at every meal.

8.     On soldiers’ ammo belts, tampons will be replaced with grenades.

7.   By Valentine’s Day, all M1 Abrams and Pershing tanks will be painted in camouflage colors, covering over ​2024’s pink.

6.   Lecturers at West Point and Annapolis who had been specializing in the threats of “oppression” and “white supremacy” are being replaced by experts in hypersonic missiles.

5.   Traditional and now current 2025 military icons:  Washington, J. P. Jones, von Steuben, Lafayette, von Clausewitz, Grant, Pershing, Eisenhower, MacArthur,  Patton, Nimitz, Mattis and Schwartzkopf.        

            Military Icon during Joseph Biden’s administration:    Surgeon “General” “Rachel” (also has the rank of “Admiral”) Levine.

4.   At remote American bases, USO variety shows replace even the most entertaining Drag Queen reviews.

3.   In basic training, “marksman” award takes the place of “empathy” and “participation” medals.

2.   More bazookas, fewer “Yoo Hoo, soldier” megaphones.

…and the NUMBER ONE CHANGE in the U.S. MILITARY SINCE CANCELLATION of WOKE POLICIES is…

1.   ​Flip-flops are out during maneuvers.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. High-paying new jobs for teachers of Danish and Inuit.

9.  Pizza Hut to roll out tasty six-slice “blubber” pies nationwide.

8.  Imagine those red, American-made “Gor Greenland Godt Igen”  (​“Make Greenland Great Again,​” in Danish) hats.

7.  The subway from Nuuk to Sisimiut is crime free.   Take that, Chicago.

6.   Quick, buy stock in Air Greenland.

5.    The NBA could expand to include the “Nuuk Musk Oxen.”

4.  Greenlanders seem to have the solution for the homeless problem in winter.

3.    Who doesn’t want a piece of​ “The Igloos at Trump Fjords?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        2.   Leading candidate for governor of the scenic new Territory of Greenland campaigns on slogan: “Og, hvis valgt, jeg lover at holde disse forfærdelige Kathy Hochul ‘trængsel prissætning’ vejafgifter ud af Grønland .”    (“And, if elected, I promise to keep those horrible Kathy Hochul ‘congestion pricing’ tolls out of Greenland!”).

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT WHEN GREENLAND BECOMES an AMERICAN TERRITORY is…

1. No American beauty pageant contestant need ever again fear the swimsuit competition from another “Miss Greenland.” 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. “…And thanks to you, the American people who have entrusted us with this sacred authority…  my family and I have already scheduled ‘business’ meetings with some of the deepest-pocketed, most corrupt dictators in the world…”         

                                                 -JBiden,  2021

9. “Echoing the orations of Cicero, Marilyn Monroe once whispered to me…..”                                                                                                                                                                                                                     -JFK, 1961

     8.”We will continue the economic policies of President Hoover, but re-package them as a ‘Great Plan,’ ..er..let’s try:   a ‘New Deal….'”                                                                                                              -FDR, 1933

7. “The hostages have been released, so I have ordered the B-52s to return home.”                                                                                                                                                                                                       -RReagan, 1981

6.     “I said, ‘no new FAXES.'”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             – George H. W. Bush, 1989

    5.”Let me first express my gratitude for the love and support I have enjoyed from my family, beginning with Monica, ​… I mean Hillary….”                                                                                             – WJClinton, 1997

4. “The only thing we have to fear…. are those major bad boys: Adolph, Tojo and Benito.”                                                                                                                                                                                            -FDR, 194​1

3. “With Greenland unavailable this year of our Lord 1803, I am cobbling together an alternative agreement, this one with with France.                                                                                     With any luck, that could amount to a genuine Purchase of Louisiana.  Let me re-work that….”  

                                                                                                           -TJefferson, 1803

2. “And for those of you who think my middle initial should stand for something, I say ‘s—.’”

–                                                             -Harry S Truman, 1949

…and the NUMBER ONE SPEECH WRITER LINE LEFT OUT of an INAUGURAL ADDRESS is…

 1,            “Our long national nightmare is over….    but oh boy, is anyone more relentlessly ambitious than that Nelson Rockefeller?”                                                                                                                   – GRFord, 1974

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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U. S. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has issued his “Festivus Report,” replete with over $1 trillion in wasteful & unnecessary Federal spending. Seven of the examples below are from Sen. Rand’s report, but three were made up by your faithful editor. Guess which three are phony… it won’t be easy!  (see answers at bottom).

10. HHS spent $419,470 on a “study” to see if “lonely rats seek cocaine more than happy rats.”

9.  GSA and other agencies spend $10 billion annually on maintaining, leasing and managing empty and nearly-empty Federal office buildings.

8.   The Department of Agriculture granted Gavin Newsom’s “Plumpjack Winery” $7.1 million to encourage winemaking in central Greenland.

7.   The Department of State wasted $3 million on “Girl Centered Climate Action” in Brazil.

6.    The National Endowment for the Arts underwrote a “Bearded Ladies Cabaret,” featuring a show of crossdressers on ice skates, focused on climate change.

5.   At the encouragement of US Sen. Bernie Sanders, the Department of Commerce gave the Vermont state government $3.4 million to “encourage transgender New Englanders to become involved in the growing, sustainable maple syrup industry.“

4.   The Department of State issued $2.1 million to the nation of Paraguay for “border security.”

3.    The Department of Energy spent $15.5 billion to push Americans to buy electric vehicles, even if they cannot afford them or have no interest in them.

2.   DOT’s Urban Mass Transit Administration granted Hawaii $7.8 billion to initiate “under-the-Pacific” tunnels that will eventually connect all four of the state’s      most populous islands with subway and rail freight service.

… and the NUMBER ONE MOST EGREGIOUS EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING is…

1.     A Florida man stole $8 million in Covid-19 relief funds to buy “Sweetheart Island” for himself, among other personal purchases.   

Numbers 8, 5 and 2 were NOT in Sen. Rand’s report, and are phony.   All the others are true, actual examples of Federal waste.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Stick the taxpayers with the bill for your final “hair plugs tune up” at Walter Reed Hospital

9. Spend more well-deserved time in Delaware

8. Hold a news conference every day until January 20^th (!!)

7.  Sign that executive order requiring the White House Mess and banquet kitchen to serve wines only from Delaware and China

6. Pick a title for my coming presidential memoir, like:    “The Kid from Scranton Cashes In, Big Time“

5. Get staff to find and hunt down any Democrats who have NOT received the “Presidential Medal of Freedom”

4.  Obtain a State of Delaware taxi cab drivers’ license

3.   Check with the boys in China, Ukraine and Moscow to see if continued grifting will be possible from Wilmington

2.   Put my home movie camera to work when Czarina Kamala convenes her first “border security” meeting in the Situation Room   (maybe January 19th?)

…. and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN 2025 RESOLUTION is…

1. Sure, his comments about me were brutal, but be gracious when President Eisenhower gets sworn in

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10.  (Donald​ J. Trump)   Sure, they are unrepentant.   But​ imagine the facial expressions when you pardon Hillary, and then Joseph and James Biden

​  9.  (Barack Obama)    Figure out how to finagle free golf at Mar-a-Lago… 

​  8.   (Adam Schiff)     Now that you are moving from the House to the U.S. Senate, come up with a new and better hoax than Russia collusion

​  7.  (J.D. Vance & Pete Hegseth)    To relax the week before taking your oaths, take a golfing vacation on Taiwan

​  6.  (Bill and Hill)   Come up with a new money-grubbing scheme by February

​  5. (Pete Buttigieg)    Learn a useful skill prior to moving back to South Bend

​  4. (Gov. Kathy Hochul)    Invent new ways to force car drivers in NYC to pay for mass transit boondoggles

​   3.  (Gov. Gavin Newsom)    Build your own border wall, but​ only to keep taxpayers and normal folk from escaping to other states

​  2.  (US Education Secretary nominee Linda McMahon)   Be sure to use wrestling (WWF) metaphors to get US-ED bureaucrats to toe the line

​    …… and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2025 is…

​   1.  (Alejandro Majorkas and Kamala Harris)   Finally, take a tour of the Texas border.   Flip a coin to determine which limo you use

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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​10.  For Karin Jean-Pierre: ​ a new job with (finally) some believable material​ to promote

​ 9. ​ For top U.S. jurists:  Red-and-green robes​ ​to be worn through ​ Three Kings Day (January 6th​)

 ​ 8.  For Kim Jong-un:     A new U. S. Ambassador, Dennis Rodman

​  7.  For Hunter Biden:  ​Imagine his “art career” thriving without a White House connection

​  6.  For Kamala Harris:  ​With Whoopi moving to Broadway, “The View” is a venue that prizes both craziness and cackling!

5. For George Stephanopoulos:  A 7-second delay, so ABC staff can save him from defaming again

​  4.  For​ AOC​, Gavin Newsom and ​Elizabeth Warren:  Free tuition to “Economics for Dummies,”  taught by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett

​  3.    For Volodymyr Zelensky:  New military aid from ​NATO members, ​including $99 earmarked for a new suit

2.   Color-coded French and English muzzles for Justin Trudeau

…and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS and HANUKKAH GIFT for 2024 is:

​  1.   ​For Alejandro Majorkas:  a waterfront cabin on the Rio Grande, but with no doorlocks

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “​I coulda been a contender.”

                                          -Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, still befuddled as to why candidate Kamala passed him by

​ 9.    “Just consider that hypersonic missile landing in Kyiv as a dry run for St. Nikolaus’ sleighride…”

                                                  Your friend, Vladimir

​ 8. “Dear Mr. President​ (Joe): Thank you ​so much for y​our four years of ​ faithful holiday ‘gratuities’ to our peace-loving nation.    Nevertheless, death to America.”                                                                                                                   -Iranian President ​Masoud Pezeshkian

​ 7. “Dashing through the dreck, in a ​costly E.V. car,”

                                   – Gavin Newsom , ​writing about avoiding “mishaps” in downtown San Francisco

​ 6.  ” Jill and I wish you a merry Presidents’ day.”

                                        – Joseph Biden

5.  ” I was only playing Mrs. Santa Claus.”

                          -Governor Kathy Hochul explains her exploding budget

​  4.  “Th​is university proudly announces new ‘Safe Spaces’ for students celebrating the Winter Solstice.” 

​                                       – University Vice President for Safety, Equity, Diversity, Sustainability and Mumbo-Jumbo.”

​ 3.  “Feliz Navidad ,   from Air Force 2,  circling above the Rio Grande.”       – Border Czarina Kamala Harris

​ 2.   ”We wish you a holiday filled with equity, prior to climate change submerging our beloved oceanfront mansion on Martha’s ​                                               Vineyard.” ​                       – Barack and Michelle

                  ...and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS and HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is…

1.   “We hope that the aroma of roasting chestnuts and burning tires wafts into your living room, where you meet loved ones under the mistletoe and dangling Tampons.”

                                             – Tim and Gwen Walz

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung:  You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order.   But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received.  

For example:  Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.”  But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song:  “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

 Try that format with today’s creation, below.  Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Fi-i-ve Musks-a-trimming.”    

Now:   Your NEW 12 Days of Christmas….

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

–   A Tim Walz fibbing to me

–   Two Cuomos Scheming

–    Three Doug Imhoffs leering

–   Four Trump sneakers selling

–    Fi-i-ive Musks-a-trimming

–      Six Biden pardons

–      Seven Kamalas cackling

–       Eight Putins rattling

–       Nine Hunters grinning

 –       Ten mics for Schumer

  –      Eleven million migrants

–     Twelve fake newspapers 

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WILL BE ON HIATUS FOR THE HOLIDAY.   WE WILL BE BACK IN DECEMBER.

                                                        BLESSINGS TO ALL FOR THANKSGIVING…

10. Congressional “Squad” will declare that “Black Friday” sales are arranged exclusively for the benefit of capitalist predators.

9. Since they are not back in the White House yet…  Will McDonald’s be catering for Mar-a-Lago?

8. Prices have gotten so that even George Soros and Bill Gates are switching from turkey to tofu and Brussel sprouts.

7.  At a Portland “birthing center,” “Pregnant people” in labor on Thanksgiving Day will be gifted with gender-fluid “Liberace-style” robes.

6. Insurance salesman in Springfield, Missouri:   “Honey, my cousins are here…  please don’t refer to them as ‘that migrant caravan’ again.”

5. On Wednesday, the President is hoping that, while pardoning a large turkey…     no one will notice low-key clemencies for Hunter and Hillary.

4.  Kim Jong-un:    “With enough kimchi, we can divvy up this turkey among 26 million loyal North Korean subjects.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        3. Another whopper from Gov. Timothy Walz:   “We personally hunted for all this food today!”

2.  Prince Harry and Meghan:    “We applaud all concerned citizens of the world, who join us in celebrating a ‘sustainable’ Thankgiving this year.”          (MESSAGE FAXED FROM THEIR PRIVATE JET, CIRCLING LAX WHILE THE COUPLE FINISHES THEIR THANKSGIVING DINNER.)

               …and the NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT THANKSGIVING IS “DIFFERENT” IN 2024 is….

1. New York Times editorial headline to read:  “GRATITUDE, FOR WHAT?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “​DESERVING WOMEN CANDIDATES and VOTER MISOGYNY​“

                    by Kamala Harris​ and Doug​las Imhoff  

9. “GLAMOR TIPS FROM ABC’S ‘THE VIEW’“

8. “HOW TO SUCCEED IN POLITICS ​AFTER ONLY 1,459 OUTDOOR RALLIES”

                                       by Donald J. Trump

7. “WHAT BORDER PROBLEM?”

                        by Alejandro Majorkas

6. “22% IS REAL INFLATION, AFTER ALL”

                         by Janet Yellen, Charles Schumer and Jerome Powell

5. “BARACK AND BIDEN:   AN APPRECIATION”

               by Ali Khameni, Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran

4. “DRESS FOR (Pickleball) SUCCESS”

             by U.S. Senator John Fetterman

3. “HOW TO FEED YOUR FAMILY IN THE AGE OF BIDENFLATION”

             by Dr. Jill Biden

  2.  “PRESIDENTIAL TRANSGENDERISM THROUGH THE CENTURIES”

               by ​ (OUTGOING!) Assistant Secretary “Rachel” Levine

… and the NUMBER ONE ‘HOLIDAY’ BOOK WRITTEN by the “UN-” SELF-AWARE is…

1. “YOU CAN TELL A GENTLEMAN BY HIS TAMPONS: A Campaign Memoir”                                                                                                                                                                                                               by Timothy Walz

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  “Let’s be honest, why would Montana cowboys keep electing a liberal like me to the U.S. Senate, just ‘cause I have a crew cut?”

9.  “AOC can only take you so far, even in New York.”

8. “Most of the brothers just aren’t buying that ‘gender fluidity​‘ stuff.”

7.   “I just couldn’t get around the image of Bill Clinton and Andrew Cuomo, grinning in my ladies’ locker room.”

6.    “Which would you choose:   the same bag of groceries for $100… or for $130 ??”

5.     “I ​just wanted to be left alone to keep my gas-powered car.”

4.      “There were too many dang coal miners in my state.”

3.     “Maybe I got dumped just in time.”       –Joseph Biden

2.   “Those Keystone Pipeline workers still want their jobs back.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  …and the NUMBER ONE HONEST EXPLANATION for the ELECTION RESULTS is :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 1. “​I knew there’d be a backlash against re-naming the Cleveland Indians.”  – US Sen. Sherrod Brown

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  Frightening “Delaware Zombie,” replete with electrodes and hair plugs.

9.  A cackling combination “border-czarina-and-tax-chugging-vampiress,” already eviscerating Americans’ savings and budgets as VP.    Accessories:  flowing black cape and a mock “nuclear football” to toss around.

8. (this one’s too easy) The Governor of Minnesota appears in a 6-foot Tampon costume.   Accessories:  a classroom of normal, innocent 6th grade boys.

7. Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” costume and mask.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        6.   “Migrant fugitive” costume.  Accessories: US Treasury check, free phone, Medicaid card, free housing voucher, black-market revolver, and a “Majorkas for President” button.

5. “Oversized Hands” costume, with your choice of Andrew Cuomo or Bill Clinton mask.

4. U.S. Senator John Fetterman as Uncle Fester.

3. RFK Jr. mask, with simple white coat and stethoscope

2. U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren identifies (in costume) as “John Smith,” just to underscore Pocahontas’ 17th century “gender fluidity.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COSTUME from HALLOWEEN 2024 is…

1. Ex-Congresswoman Liz Cheney mask.   Accessories: Michael Dukakis’ helmet and tank.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “THE EVE OF DESTRUCTION”   –  ‘J.D. and the Hillbillies’ devote an entire ballad to the wars started and lives lost by Harris-Biden blunders

9. “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”    – Joseph Biden sings to wife Jill, asking for an 11 AM wake-up call

8. “DOWN IN THE BOONDOCKS”   – ‘Kamala and the Transitions’ complain and whine that that they must campaign in the backwaters of Georgia, Pennsylvania and North Carolina, where they might run into “real” deplorable Americans

7.  “WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE”    –     Tim Walz exits the National Guard before his unit deploys to Iraq

6.   “I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING”   –     Kammy and Timmy harmonize about ending the inflation they created, closing the border they opened and reversing positions on fracking, health policy and women’s sports

5. “YOU’RE HAVIN’ MY BABY”    – ‘Dougie and the Playboys’ croon on…

4. “I’M ON FIRE”         – Gwen Walz can’t get enough of that “burning tires smell” during husband Tim’s week of riots and arson in Minneapolis

3.    “I GOT THE SHERIFF”      –   During the ABC debate, anchor David Muir gleefully ‘fact checks’ Mr. Trump with erroneous data, but allows the Democrat to repeat falsehoods, unchecked.

2.  ” DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?”       -Kamala, Joseph and Janet Yellen can’t believe that flooding the economy with trillions of printed dollars could lead to 21% inflation over three years 

…and the NUMBER ONE ‘Bill-BORED’ HIT for LATE OCTOBER 2024 is… 

1. “THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN”   –   the Barbershop Quartet of ‘Vlad, Xi, Kim and the Supreme Leader’ are stunned to learn that one candidate for president might create a hypersonic missile and ‘Iron Dome’ defense for the United States

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  What is more important to you, bailing out looters and rioters, or delivering life-saving vaccines to the American people?

9.  Thinking about the Catholic vote, would it be smarter to skip the Al Smith dinner…. or to attack the Knights of Columbus at a Senate hearing?

8.  This Halloween, do you think someone who promises huge tax increases has earned the right to wear a Dracula costume?

7.  Have you ever personally handed a Tampon to a 12-year old boy?

6.  If men can get pregnant, can dogs give birth to bison?

5.  President Obama bought a huge Martha’s Vineyard mansion just feet from the Atlantic Ocean.    Does that make him a “climate denier?”

4.  Do you think that an hour of “Paint Ball” qualifies you to claim “combat” experience?

3.  Quickly now:  D.E.I….     or merit and qualifications??

2.  When you were a child, how much pro-Marxist propaganda did you get around the dinner table?

                      …and the TOP “LIGHTNING ROUND” QUESTION WE’D LIKE to SEE ASKED of CANDIDATES for  PRESIDENT and VICE PRESIDENT is…

1.   In ten seconds or less: what causes inflation?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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    10   AMERICA, LAND OF THE HANDOUT…   HOME OF THE EASILY OFFENDED 

9.    I LOVE MY BOSS.    I’M SELF-EMPLOYED.

      8.   THE WELFARE OF HUMANITY IS ALWAYS THE ALIBI OF TYRANTS

7.   THE FIRST POCAHONTAS NEVER RAISED MY TAXES

6.     WHAT DID YOU MISS MOST?   THE PEACE, THE PROSPERITY, OR ME?

5.    TAMPONS FOR SCHOOL BOYS!   CATCH “WALZ FEVER” YOURSELF!

4.    I THOUGHT SOCIALISM MADE SENSE, BUT THEN I TURNED NINE

3.     HONK IF YOU LIKE PEACE AND QUIET

2.    RE-ELECT INFLATION, WAR, OPEN BORDERS AND CRIME.

…and the NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER SPOTTED on AMERICAN HIGHWAYS is…

1. REPUBLICANS BELIEVE EVERY DAY IS JULY 4TH.   DEMOCRATS BELIEVE EVERY DAY IS APRIL 15TH.

                                                                                                                                        -Ronald Reagan

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.     ​Does “Minnesota Nice” include burning down police stations?

9.    Were you suspicious when your Chinese-paid trips were led by tour guide ​Cai Qi, secretary of the CCP Central Committee?

8.   If your wife needed to open the windows to smell burning tires during your ​week of riot​s…   what was she cooking?

7.  During the Trump years, what bothered you more, the peace or the prosperity?

6.   In this envelope, I have news​.    One of your kids is demanding sex change surgery.    Do you have the right to open it?

5.  Who is the best at forcing taxpayers to leave their state, Gavin Newsom, Kathy Hoch​ul or you?

4.    Can you identify which one of these is a “weapon of war?”​   You sure?

​      3.   What is more important to you: applause from Congresswoman Ilhan Omar or a victory over terrorism for Israel??

2.   Do you think you will drift into “knucklehead” mode less often as vice president than you do as governor?

…and the NUMBER ONE DEBATE LINE LEFT in the BRIEFING BOOK DURING the V.P. DEBATE is…

1.    Did you bring me a Tampon​, Tim?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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SEVEN OF THE COURSES BELOW ARE ACTUALLY BEING TAUGHT AT THE UNIVERSITIES/ COLLEGES LISTED.   THE OTHER THREE COURSES WERE MADE UP BY YOUR EDITOR.    TO SEE IF YOU CAN IDENTIFY  WHICH COURSES ARE REAL, SEE THE P.S. AT THE END OF THE TOP TEN LIST.

Thanks to YOUNG AMERICA’S FOUNDATION for their annual survey of crazy college courses, which provided the real courses below, and hundreds of others.

10. Music and Socialism  – Brown University

9. Settler Colonialism Across Our Solar                       

             System    –     University of Alaska at Fairbanks

8. The Queer Bible     – Swarthmore College

7. Howard Zinn, Kamala Harris & Franz Fanon:  Synthesis for a Humane Future     – Sarah Lawrence College

6. Feminism Without Women   -Yale University

5.  Woke Nature:  Towards an Anthropology of Non-Human Beings   – Carleton College

4. Street Dance Activism:  Co-choreographic Praxis as Activism     – Harvard University

3.  Anthropology 101:   Cannibalism, Shamanism and Alterity       -Pomona College

2.  The Historiography and Intersectionality of Me-Too, Imperialism and Predatory Capitalism     –  Community College of the Ozarks

…and the NUMBER ONE NUTTY COURSE on COLLEGE CAMPUSES THIS AUTUMN, 2024, is:

1.  Critical Fat Studies     – Northwestern University

PS:  Numbers 2, 7 and 9 were created out of whole cloth by your editor.   Fakes.    The other seven college courses are really being offered and “taught” on America’s campuses.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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In her infamous interview, Oprah Winfrey’s opening question for VP Harris was “Can you feel the joy rising for you in here?”In that vein, here are the top pre-approved questions for any Harris-Walz interview:

10.   We know that President Biden’s favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate chip.    What’s yours??

9.  Will you pledge to fight inflation on Day One?

8.  Governor, how do you deal with mean people who don’t even want Tampons in Minnesota’s high schools?

7. Who is the most evil, Trump, Manson or Vance?

6.   Which would you want to make over first, the Oval Office or Air Force One?

5.  Tim, as a gun owner, do you see yourself more in the mold of Clint Eastwood or Charlton Heston?

4.  Is my massage getting that knot out of your neck, Ma’am?

3.  Do you think misogyny remains a potent factor in American elections?

2.  Kamala, if elected, which designer do you plan on wearing to your inaugural?

…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-APPROVED “SOFTBALL” QUESTION FOR ANY HARRIS-WALZ INTERVIEW is…

1.    Have you ever been interviewed in a hot tub before?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.     TRUMP WAS CORRECT ON LATE TERM ABORTIONS TAKING PLACE, AFTER ALL                                                                                                                                                                                                       -The Niskayuna Breeze

9.    HARRIS PLAN FOR “BUYBACK” OF GUNS SIMILAR TO CONFISCATIONS FROM THE PEOPLE IN BRUTAL DICTATORSHIPS                                                                                                                   -Jacksonville Post-Intelligencer

8.   TRUMP OPPOSES TAXPAYER-FUNDED SURGERIES FOR TRANSSEXUAL ILLEGALS, HARRIS SUPPORTS THEM                                                                                                                               -New Amsterdam Journal of Medicine

7.    DAVID MUIR’S ABC-TV  “FACT CHECKER” TOLD TO NEVER QUESTION KAMALA WHOPPERS                                                                                                                     ​                                                 – New York Herald-Mirror

6.   ECONOMISTS SUPPORTING KAMALA “PLAN” FOR SPENDING HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT WEATHER                                                                                        -Investors’ Hourly

5.      HARRIS MAY ACTUALLY BE FOR “FRACKING,” BUT THINKS THE TERM MEANS FREE STUFF FOR ILLEGALS                                                                                                                                  -Los Angeles Republic

4.  SWING STATE AMERICANS PREFER THE TITLE “BORDER CZARINA” FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT                                                                                                                                                             – Savannah Picayune

3.    IN VP DEBATE, GOVERNOR WALZ MAY BE QUESTIONED ON TRAVEL EXPENSES PAID BY THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY                                                                                              – Minneapolis Democrat-Volunteer

2.  ​  PROSECUTIONS OF FORMER PRESIDENT BOLSTER HIS SUPPORT AMONG INDEPENDENTS WHO VALUE “A NON-POLITICAL JUDICIAL SYSTEM,” SAY        POLLS                                                          –  St. Louis Courier-Express

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1.    HARRIS PLAN TO TAX UNREALIZED GAINS WOULD WREAK HAVOC, SAY EUROPEAN LEADERS WHO TRIED IT                                                                                                                                                              – Provincetown Crusader“

Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2024 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY REAL.   HE LET ME YANK IT DURING KAMALA’S OPENING.

9.   SHE REALLY DOES CALL IT “PRICE-GAUGING.“

8.  NOBODY WOKE ​BIDEN UP TO WATCH THIS?

7.   IS THAT REALLY NICOLAS MADURO IN THE ​VICE PRESIDENT’S S​UITE?

6.  NO, THAT’S RANDY WEINGARTEN WITH SHADES AND A CAP.

5.   HOW DID TRUMP CONVINCE WILLIE BROWN TO FLY IN HERE?

4.   SO ORANGE-MAN IS OFFERING TO TREAT “SLOPPADOPOULOUS” TO A PHILLY CHEESE STEAK AFTER THIS?”

3.    WOW, JUST LIKE OBAMA…    SHE THINKS THERE ARE 58 STATES.

2.   NOT A GOOD LOOK…   TIM WALZ HANDING A TAMPON TO THE “FIRST GENTLEMAN.”