10. “Yes, that was me who subpoenaed and got your personal telephone records. This holiday season, it’s my way of reaching out and touching you.” –House Intelligence Committee Chairman Alan Schiff
9. “Maybe we did overstate those climate change and rising seas predictions. With season’s greetings from our new Martha’s Vineyard oceanfront mansion,” Yours, Barack and Michelle
8. “Meli Kalikimaka to all Americans, even Hillary.” – US Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard
7. “Dashing through the snow, with security guys nearby.” -North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un
6. “You better watch out, we better not lose. That 401 (k) is really ‘on cruise.'” -official 2019 White House Christmas card
5. “Dear Occupant, there is always next year. Your distracted Congressman, Eric Swallwell.”
4. “Let us join to celebrate the winter solstice, just as our prescient pagan forebears did.” -Generic greeting used by 79 college presidents
3. “May the festival of lights infuse you with the optimism of Hanukkah…. as we cobble another coalition government together.” – Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu
2. “Don’t make us promise to leave the United States again next year, as we pledged to do after the 2016 elections.” – Miley Cyrus, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler & Jon Stewart
—and the NUMBER ONE 2019 CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:
1. “And may all your safe spaces be white. Err, let me rephrase that.” -University Vice President for Student Concerns and Sustainability
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