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TOP TEN ANNOUNCEMENTS from JOSEPH BIDEN on a SLOW NEWS HOLIDAY WEEKEND

10.  Hunter laptops have been confiscated as “official secrets.”   

 9.  Kamala now also designated as “Czarina of the Northern Border and Yukon territories.”

 8. All necessary future Federal re-education camps to be located in rural Delaware.

 7.  Under cover of night, Lafayette Park’s statue of Andrew Jackson to be replaced with 30-foot likeness of “Dr. Jill.”

 6.  In order to vote, really cool tattoos may be substituted for photo ID.

 5. Preventive detention for Jan. 6th protesters to be extended through 2023.

 4.  Full presidential pardon issued to Hillary Clinton.

 3.  First Monday in September henceforth known as “Entitlement Day.”

 2.  A coda to Pride Month​: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg​ pictured​ on new $3 bill, crossing the Potomac…. (on the Metro, of course!)

…and the NUMBER ONE ANNOUNCEMENT from JOSEPH BIDEN on a SLOW NEWS HOLIDAY WEEKEND is:

 1.  Department of the Interior changes Mount Rushmore to “Four White Dudes National Recreation Area.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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