Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. “THE VOTES OF EXPIRED AMERICANS MUST NEVER BE SUPPRESSED.”

 9.  ” IF 16 YEAR OLDS WANT TO REGISTER TO VOTE, DO THEY NEED TO READ FIRST?”

 8.  “I’M POSITIVE I CAN CARRY THE NEW SING-SING VOTE.”

 7. “YOU DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ SIGNATURES.”

 6.  “PHOTO I.D.?  THAT’S JUST FOR ENTERING BUILDINGS, LIKE THIS ONE.”

 5.  ” TAXPAYER MONEY FOR POLITICIANS’ CAMPAIGNS?  DID WE RUN OUT OF ILLEGALS NEEDING FREE HEALTH CARE?’

 4.  “SUPPOSE A 17-YEAR OLD IS ON LINE TO VOTE, BUT HE’S READING DR. SEUSS.”

 3.  “WITHOUT 400 MILLION NEW MAIL-IN BALLOTS, HOW WILL WE EVER SAVE THE POST OFFICE?”

 2.  “HARVESTING?  CAN WE GET SOME AG SUBSIDIES FOR MY STATE?”

…and the NUMBER ONE ARGUMENT HEARD in SUPPORT of H.R.1 on the HOUSE FLOOR THIS WEEK is…

1. “IF A PRISONER ON DEATH ROW CAN GET A $1,400 STIMULUS CHECK, WHY SHORE HE CAN VOTE!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  $​16​ million to monitor the meetings, whereabouts, communications and statements of former President Trump​, just like the old days.​

 9. $3 million to replicate Nancy Pelosi’s ​designer ​San Francisco freezer in her Washington office.

 8.  $1.1 billion for 13 new Gulfstream G-700 private jets, to enable Biden administration leaders and environmentalists to bypass commercial airline delays when ​rush​ing​ to​ climate change conferences​.

 7. $250,000 for a solar powered, portable, water-proof microphone​ system​ for US Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY)​,​ so he can issue​ constant​ pronouncements to media​,​ 24/7.

 6.  $6 million for additional “nuclear footballs,” to be issued at the discretion of Vice President Harris.

 5.  ​ $2.1 billion for pogo sticks to enable female varsity athletes to compete with biological males (made necessary by passage of the “Equality Act”).

 4. $500,000 for new business suits for Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY).

 3.  $3.2 billion in “stimulus” checks for felons confined to prison  (oh, wait….   the House bill actually DOES include this!).

 2.  Addendum to the $100 million towards a BART tunnel to serve billionaires in Silicon Valley is​ $900 million earmarked for a high speed, light-rail tunnel connecting K Street lobbying firms with the US Senate Majority Leader’s suites.

 1. “Fiscal impact” clause ​in bill ​states​ that total costs “may not exceed $1.9 trillion, or $40 gazillion, whichever is more…”

10.  $​16​ million to monitor the meetings, whereabouts, communications and statements of former President Trump​, just like the old days.​

 9. $3 million to replicate Nancy Pelosi’s ​designer ​San Francisco freezer in her Washington office.

 8.  $1.1 billion for 13 new Gulfstream G-700 private jets, to enable Biden administration leaders and environmentalists to bypass commercial airline delays when ​rush​ing​ to​ climate change confere​nces​.

 7. $250,000 for a solar powered, portable, water-proof microphone​ system​ for US Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY)​,​ so he can issue​ constant​ pronouncements to media​,​ 24/7.

 6.  $6 million for additional “nuclear footballs,” to be issued at the discretion of Vice President Harris.

 5.  ​ $2.1 billion for pogo sticks to enable female varsity athletes to compete with biological males (made necessary by passage of the “Equality Act”).

 4. $500,000 for new business suits for Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY).

 3.  $3.2 billion in “stimulus” checks for felons confined to prison  (oh, wait….   the House bill actually DOES include this!).

 2.  Addendum to the $100 million towards a BART tunnel to serve billionaires in Silicon Valley: ​ $900 million earmarked for a high speed, light-rail tunnel connecting K Street lobbying firms with the US Senate Majority Leader’s suites.

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER-KNOWN ITEM in the $1.9 TRILLION “STIMULUS” BILL is:

 1. “Fiscal impact” clause ​in bill ​states​ that total costs “may not exceed $1.9 trillion, or $40 gazillion, whichever is more…”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. “What the &%$# is going on here?       -At breakfast in his mansion, the Governor senses that the oatmeal has arrived at 103 degrees, not the required 104.5.

 9. “You have not felt my wrath. I can ruin your life…..    ​Just kidding​, Mom.”

  8. “If we can just get the rich to ‘contribute’ a bit more, we can fully fund the governor’s mansion staff, and a new fleet of state choppers and limos.”

 7. “Sure, Chris, my brutha:   I am single and ready to mingle.   Does CNN have a “Heartless Bachelor” reality show?”

 6. “Who made this guy an arbiter of morality?”   — Andr​e​w reacts to the Cardinal’s legislative agenda.

 5.  “As I move about, from Buffalo to Long Island, I frequently communicate with my subjects.”

  4. “This &#$% pool is over-chlorinated.”   – The Governor takes some free time on the mansion grounds.

 3. “Assemblyman, how about we take a nice, long drive over the Mario M. Cuomo Bridge, if you get my meaning?”

 2. “Look it up.  No governor has ever been impeached while clutching his Emmy award.” 

…and the NUMBER ONE QUOTE OVERHEARD at the GOVERNOR’S MANSION in ALBANY, New York THIS WEEK is:

 1.”How could I have the time to kill all those people?  I was busy writing my book on leadership.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2021 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. “Equity” — In most instances, the opposite of equal opportunity.

 9. “Health Care”  — Terminating life in utero, and even after​ live birth​.

 8. “Gun Safety”   —  Mandatory “buy backs” for non-criminals.

 7. “Circle back”    — We will provide the information you requested, like maybe, but on our schedule, not yours.

 6. “Pandemic relief”  —   Necessary trillions to subsidize $100,000+ government pensions in NY, CAL and ILL;  funeral costs for illegals who expire on US soil; renovating the Kennedy Center; and more fun Solyndra projects!

 5.  “Retraining”   —  Eventually, you can build solar panels in a faraway state, at a fraction of the construction job salary we just terminated.

 4. “Fair share”  —  Dude, you’re working for us now.   And do you really need that second property or your own BMW?

 3.  “Climate change”  — An existential threat to humankind, requiring fleets of private jets and stretch limousines to reverse.

 2.  “Voter suppression”  —  Calling for identification and signatures prior to certifying a citizen’s right to vote.  In close elections, suppression can be triggered by a forecast of cloudy weather.

…and the TOP WATCHWORDS for the BIDEN ERA are….

 1. “Constructive engagement” – Apology Tour 2021 begins with sending taxpayer billions to the mullahs in Iran, in exchange for platitudes about nuclear research and a case of stuffed grape leaves.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2021 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. ​ “OK, ​so ​Dad promised that the family wouldn’t cash in on him being president.   ​He winked, grinned and whispered​,​ ‘​Ceptin’ ​his​ book​!​​’​” 

​ 9.​ “Mr. Xi was so friendly to me and Dad.   His friends gave me $2 billion, and never even asked for a resume.”

  8. “With the right chemical enhancement, even a farm in Delaware can seem like Times Square.”

  7. “Taxiing in on Air Force One is an even better sales tool than getting embossed business cards.” 

6. “How come the Vice President is always chuckling around Dad?” 

5. “With all the scratch we’re pulling in from influence peddling, I’m getting nervous about Dad’s tax hikes.” 

4. “Iran looks like it’s coming around.   Can you spell p-a-y-d-a-y for Uncle Hunter?

 3. “Uncle Jim made more off Dad’s name than me, but nobody cares.” 

2. “Suddenly, even on Linked In, the name Biden is an aphrodisiac.”​

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVANCE EXCERPT FROM HUNTER’S “MEMOIR” is:

1. “Our First Lady is so amazing.   At the end of the family vacation last year, she told me I no longer had to use ‘Dr.’ Biden.   From here on, it’s ‘Professor’ Biden!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2021 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  Executive Order #28:  “Questions from media at White House press briefings must first be published in the Federal Register.”

 9.  E.O. # 59:  “President Trump’s order to make defacing or destroying monuments and statues on Federal property a felony is hereby rescinded.”

 8.  E.O. #60:   “Defacing or destroying monuments and statues on Federal property is henceforth ‘to be frowned upon.'”

 7.  E.O. # 117:  “If you like all the free stuff you are getting, you can keep all the free stuff you are getting.”

 6. E.O. # 62:  “Construction on the Keystone Pipeline is halted immediately.  Title to the existing pipeline is hereby transferred to the U.S. Olympic Luge Team.”

 5. E.O. # 37:  “Department and agency heads take note: all references to ‘Project Warp Speed’ will be deleted and replaced with the preferred:  ‘Biden Vaccine.'”

 4.  E.O. # 71:    “Recognizing the importance of Delaware as a retreat and oasis for this president, press avails in that state will be limited to questions on ice cream flavors.”

 3. E.O. # 23:    “Individuals able to prove they have crossed the U.S. border illegally will be properly welcomed with Medicaid cards and housing vouchers.”

 2.  E.O. #  47:   “Federal employees failing to utilize Dr. Jill Biden’s title appropriately will be eligible for transfer to Plum Island, NY and Thule Air Force Base, Greenland.”

…and the Number One lesser known Executive Order signed by Joseph Biden in January is:

1.  E.O. # 29:  “The ‘nuclear football’ will be assigned to the Vice President, and is approved for use at her discretion in the U.S. Senate.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. PRESIDENT OFFERS OLIVE BRANCH OF UNITY,​ PLUS ​LOTS OF FREE STUFF

 9. GOVERNMENT OF CANADA OUTRAGED IN BIDEN’S FIRST HOURS, BEATING TRUMP’S STANDARD BY MONTHS

 8. WHEW!  PRESIDENT MAKES IT THROUGH SPEECH, SORT OF

 7. AT INAUGURAL BREAKFAST, SCHUMER, PELOSI WOW AUDIENCE WITH ROLLICKING MALAPROPS

 6. BIDEN, INFORMED OF WELL-WISHES FROM SUGA, MACRON, CONTE, MODI, JOHNSON, MERKEL AND TRUDEAU, ASKS “WHICH ONE DELIVERS?”

 5. PROGRESSIVES APPLAUD GIFT OF NUCLEAR FOOTBALL TO VICE PRESIDENT​ HARRIS​

 4. SENSING SECURITY RISK, SECRET SERVICE EMBARRASSES NEW PRESIDENT BY TACKLING CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL DURING CEREMONY

 3. CHECKING OUT HIS DIGS, NEW SENATOR MAKES FIRST OFFICE  CALL TO RAUL CASTRO

 2. COULD BIDEN’S EXECUTIVE ORDER ON GENDER MEAN THAT MS. HARRIS MIGHT NOT BE THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT?

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THIS WEEK is:

1.MIXING METAPHORS, PRESIDENT SHUTS DOWN PIPELINE IN ORDER TO COMBAT WHITE SUPREMACY

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  “Shirtless guys in Viking helmets will be seated over there, sir.”

 9.  “….Yeah, OK, I do sort-of swear to consider defending​, like,​ the Constitution…”

 8.   “Dr. Biden, I mean Jill honey: what is more, a trillion or a gazillion?”

 7. “Here’s the claim check for your body armor, ma’am…”

 6.   “No, we weren’t kidding about free health care for illegals.”

 5.   “The people have spoken.  Now they will get what they voted for, good and hard.” **

 4.    “Ask not what your country can do for you…  simply track the status of your direct deposits.”

 3.   “Where’s Melania?”   –former President William J. Clinton

 2.   “Wow, here’s another 45,000 votes from Georgia.”

…and the NUMBER ONE PHRASE CERTAIN to be UTTERED at the INAUGURATION CEREMONIES is…

 1. “No Kamala, this is Joseph’s time to speak.”

** With thanks to H. L. Mencken…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2021 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2021 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .