Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. 6​5​,000 homeless ​can’t be wrong.

9.   $20 tolls for Every Downtown​ Driver​ in America!

 8. There is too much money in the “wrong hands.”  Now, ​fork it over.

7. ​  Foreign Policy Experience?  ​Bill​ knows Cuba and Nicaragua.

6.    ​People of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina:  You Need to Start Commuting by Subway.

5.    No, he is not Mayor Pete!

4.    As Crazy as Bernie, but Younger & Taller.

3.     ​We Can ​Make Washington the New Caracas.

2.    Open Borders and No Private Guns: Perfect Together!

…and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN for the NASCENT “BILL DeBLASIO for PRESIDENT” CAMPAIGN is….

1. Imagine White House State Dinners with American WEED, not Wine.​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. When meeting with Anita Hill to express regret, offer a teasingly slow shoulder massage.

9. Admit it, Joe.  Admit that growing up in Scranton gave you undeserved privilege.

8. Make really sure you only accept cash donations from Harvey Weinstein.

7.  Try to work in the words “woke,” “me too,” and “multi-gendered” in to every speech, but not all in the same sentence.

6.   There is no need to call Mayor Pete a “whippersnapper,” not yet.

5.  During the Democratic primary debates, resist sniffing Bernie’s hair or rubbing noses with Kamala.

4.  When firing that shotgun off from your back porch, always be sure to yell: “They wanna put y’all back in chains!”

3.  To conclude a hard day of campaigning in Chicago, visit with Jussie Smollett to express concern for his “trauma.”

2.  Reserve your famous “articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking” compliment only for foreign leaders.”

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY that JOE BIDEN can DEMONSTRATE he is “SUFFICIENTLY PROGRESSIVE” is…

1.  Endorse “Cosmetic Surgery for All,” beginning with hair plugs.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.   The White House approved only 3 VIP White House tours for Congressman Swallwell.

9.  In firing James Comey, the President is on tape shouting “… and don’t let the door hit you….”

8. Governor Andrew Cuomo can disband the entire Moreland Commission investigating public corruption.     But if the President just THINKS  about firing a counsel …  that’s impeachable!

7. Mr. Trump just wouldn’t take John Brennan’s word on things.

6. The President had the audacity to call Rep. Adam Schiff a “pencil neck.”   Ain’t that right, Shifty?

5.   Him using that word “hoax” has got to be a high crime, if not a misdemeanor.

4. While renting at “Trump Village” in 1977, Manhattan Congressman Jerry Nadler had to call three times about a leaky faucet.

3.   This House must carry on the relentless “investigative” work of Jim Acosta, Rachel Maddow, Charles Blow and Brian Williams.

2.   Just look at this “collusion” message hidden within a Roger Stone tattoo.

…and the NUMBER ONE SECRET ARTICLE of IMPEACHMENT BEING PREPARED by “PROGRESSIVE” HOUSE MEMBERS is:

1.   Mar-a-Lago just would not offer Joe Biden his usual free room upgrade.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   When vegetarian actress Pamela Anderson visited Julian Assange, she “smuggled” in three Big Macs for him.

9.  Hillary Clinton remains one of the world’s top experts on acid-washing of e-mails.   She will speak to your organization about “Covering Your Tracks” for only $250,000.

8.  Vladimir Putin lusts after Ukraine largely so he can impress a certain anchorwoman in Kiev.

7.   A Barack Obama e-mail once referred to Joe Biden as a “grinning goofball.”

6.  China’s President Xi really wants an American-made Hummer for weekends.

5.    At least five European heads of state secretly believe “climate change” is a scam.

4.      Until April, four Democratic candidates for president were considering creepy lawyer Michael Avenatti as a running mate.

3.   Prior to offering the Nigerian brothers $3,500 to beat him up, Jussie Smollett asked  “Empire” fan George Stephanopoulos to wear a “MAGA” cap and do it for $1,800.

2. For the $1.1 million she paid for the fraudulent Steele and Fusion GPS dossier, Hillary Clinton also received 3 free nights at any Best Western in the country and a month supply of Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

...and the NUMBER ONE YET-to-BE RELEASED WIKILEAKS REVELATION is,,,

1.There are no showers in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. Prior to the election, the Trump Organization was ​only considering a Motel 6 franchise in Moscow.

9.  During his brief tenure in the White House, General Mike Flynn was called 11 times by Senator Elizabeth Warren for VIP White House Tours.

8.  James Comey authorized electronic eavesdropping while Eric and Lara Trump visited heavily Russian Brighton Beach for dinner.

7.  Grand Jury testimony revealed that Roger Stone still has a Richard Nixon tattoo, but none of Vladimir Putin.

6.    Through a personal contact, it was James Brennan who got borscht and Stolychnaya added to the White House Mess menu​ last year​.

5.   Th​at​ “secret hotel video” from Russia shows citizen Trump raiding the mini-bar in his Moscow room.

4.  While Hillary Clinton was deeply involved in meetings about her fake “Steele Dossier,” leading to a fra​u​dulent FISA order, Bill was making new friends at the “Hooters” in White Plains, NY.

3.  Of the 240 subpoenas issued by the Special Counsel’s staff, only two involved glossy photos of Melania Trump.

2. The Mueller staff featured 42 attorneys, which enabled at least one of them to always be free for a coffee-and-doughnuts​ run.

…and the NUMBER ONE FACT or FINDING to be REDACTED PRIOR to the RELEASE of the MUELLER REPORT is…

1. Of the $35 million spent on the Russia Investigation, $1.8 million went to buying FAX machines and beepers.    Hey, this IS the Federal government.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. HOUSE CRITICS OF PRESIDENT, IN WAKE OF MUELLER REPORT, WON’T TABULATE CALLS DEMANDING THEIR RESIGNATIONS -Washington Post

9. PROVEN TO BE ACCURATE ABOUT NO “RUSSIAN COLLUSION,” PRESIDENT TOUTS RECORD LEVELS OF EMPLOYMENT – New York Times

8. PROMISED ANONYMITY, MORE THAN 80 HOUSE DEMOCRATS COMPLAIN OF REP. OCASIO’S “STAGGERING IGNORANCE” -Boston Globe

7. STILL SEEING WHITE HOUSE CONSPIRACIES, CONGRESSMAN SWALLWELL GENERATES OFFERS OF PRO-BONO MENTAL HEALTH ASSISTANCE- Fresno Bee

6. IN WAKE OF​ PRESIDENT’S​ COMPLETE EXONERATION, COMIC BILL MAHER APPEARS AS SOMBER AS JAMES BRENNAN- Hollywood Reporter

5. FEDERAL RESERVE DOWNGRADES ECONOMIC GROWTH PROJECTIONS TO MERELY “VERY POSITIVE”   –  Financial Times

4. EUROPEAN ​LEADER​S COMPLAIN ABOUT PRESIDENT, BUT HEED HIS CALL TO INCREASE NATO COMMITMENTS      – San Francisco Chronicle

3. 109,000 APPREHENSIONS OF ILLEGALS AT BORDER IN FEBRUARY DEEMED “NO EMERGENCY” BY PELOSI, SCHUMER     – Atlanta Constitution

2. CHASTENED BY MUELLER REPORT, CONGRESSWOMAN TLAIB ESCHEWS PUBLIC OBSCENITIES FOR 37 HOURS   – Detroit Free Press

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING THIS WEEK is…

1.NEW TAXES AND TOLLS AWAIT LEGISLATIVE APPROVAL, BUT BOLSTER IMAGES OF CUOMO, DeBLASIO AS OPPONENTS OF WORKING PEOPLE             – NY Daily News

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. –  OK, so there was no collusion.  How about ​”​planning to consider conspiring to commit collusion?​”​   –  CNN

9.  No indictments does not mean innocence.  Suppose The Trump Foundation committed treason?   – Cong. Adam Schiff

8. When Donald Trump interviewed Brett Kavanaugh, you don’t think they talked Russia?   -Sen. Kamala Harris

7.    You watch.   They’re gonna serve borscht at the White House Mess this week.   -NPR
​

6.  Look at​ this photo of the President arriving in London on Aeroflot ​!   They couldn’t photo-shop, that, could they?    – George Stephanopoulos

5. ​What on earth would we investigate Hillary for?   – the New York Times

4.   So there will be no indictments.   Our committee now turns to investigating those dangerous, nasty Tweets.  – Cong. Jerold Nadler

3.   We will be committing staff to look into those Trump rallies in Moscow, Idaho and Russian River, California.  -MSNBC

2.  An unnamed source claims that the former Mrs. Putin may be living in the Lincoln bedroom.     -Michael Moore

…and the NUMBER ONE ALREADY-PREPARED COMMENT PRIOR to the MUELLER REPORT’S RELEASE to the PUBLIC is:

1.  My order for triple-secret-probation remains in force.   – Dean Wormer

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. For the Stanford admission, would you accept $4​8​,000 and the complete DVD set of “Desperate Housewives?”

9.   ​If Mr. Einstein​ takes the SAT, that’ll be $35,000.   But if M​r. Edison​ ​sits for the test, the charge is only $25,000​.

8.  Just think of us as “expeditors,”  like those guys at Motor Vehicles.

7.   I think that pro-Trump admissions essay may not get you the desired result with Harvard.

6. I’ll bet you had no idea that your Shrimpy could dunk. 

5. ​  (An SAT test taker answers a question from the test proctor:)  “Of course I’m a student at Greenville Senior High.   Grey hair just runs early on my mother’s side.”
​

4.   Yes, Bubba has been accepted in to the college and on to the equestrian team.  But how come this photo shows your teen on a horse, with a body really similar to Vladimir Putin’s?

3. Chelsea’s essay already mentions Kamala, Beto and Corey?   She won’t even need us to get in to Princeton. 

2.  I think he may be the first high schooler ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.

..and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL INVESTIGATION is:.

1. Fair enough, you’ve never played soccer.   Can you spell soccer?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. There is no “A” train ​subway ​service to ​the ​Hilton Head beaches.

9. He hadn​’​t​ ​heard the term “Cracker” since​ his buddy​ Al Sharpton incited that famous arson incident.

8.  You mean there are no local income taxes in this state?

7.  Noo Yawk sounds about the same in a Carolina accent.

6.   Voters in Beaufort really appreciated hearing about Mrs. deBlasio’s $1 billion​ in phantom​ mental health spending.

5.   Even the college graduates in ​Columbia​,SC needed a second explanation for that “Sanctuary City” idea.

4.   People can ​really ​carry ​pistol​s for their own protection​ down here​?

3.   Yes, mayor,  no toll is charged to cross this bridge.

2.  Folks down here actually believe that if they tax too much, people will leave the state.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO DURING HIS “EXPLORATORY” VISIT to SOUTH CAROLINA is:

1. South Carolinians kept confusing Big Bill with his fellow presidential hopeful: South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  Bernie hasn’t worn a red military jacket like Maduro’s since the `69 Woodstock Festival.

 9. Even if he has to clear-cut Vermont’s Green Mountain forests, Bernie swears we’ll never have a toilet paper shortage.

 8.  Maduro may have stolen his elections, but even he supports Voter I.D.

 7. Venezuelans don’t need​ Bernie’s “Medicare for All.”    They’ve​ already​ got a Cuban doctor for every 20,000 residents.

 6.  If they pass that “Green New Deal,” what will Maduro do with all those Citgo gas stations?

 5. Mrs. Ines Flores Maduro only maxed out their government credit card during “U. N. Week” in New York.   

Mrs. Jane Driscoll Sanders bankrupted a whole ​university​, leaving Burlington College defunct.

 4.   ​In Venezuela, ​​Maduro has actually run out of other people’s money.​

3.  Maduro’s military would be too large for Bernie’s America.

 2.   Bernie’s base marches in Birkenstocks, Maduro’s prefers polished jackboots.

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOCIALIST CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS and VENEZUELAN SOCIALIST ICON NICOLAS MADURO is….

1. Venezuela has really put the 1% in their place — wherever they might be now.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .