Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.  Senator Kamala Harris…   nice girl, never gave me any lip.

 9.  I always liked that name, “Stacey.”  She’s really accomplished, right?

 8. I’ve already got the Native American vote, but what the heck?

 7.  Wasn’t Sarah Palin vice president already?

 6.  How about a transgender who’s “articulate, bright, clean and nice looking?”

 5.   Diane Feinstein doesn’t seem old to me at all…

 4.  So Sen. Kirsten Sinema is bi-sexual.   It’s 1996, man…

 3.  That woman who was National Security Advisor…  Frances Perkins, right?

 2.  Suppose I picked a ​male​ named Leslie, Taylor, Pat, Ricki, Jamie or Madison?

…and the NUMBER ONE “NOTE to SELF” SEEN on JOSEPH BIDEN’S “RUNNING MATES” MEMO PAD is:

1. Alright, ​​Karen Bass idolizes Fidel Castro.   Tell me again, is he King of Spain or something?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. “OK, SO HE’S NEVER CREATED A JOB…”

 9. “MAYBE, JUST MAYBE…   YOU COULD KEEP YOUR DOCTOR…”

 8. “AS WASHINGTON CROSSED THE DELAWARE, BIDEN PEERED OUT FROM HIS BASEMENT…”

 7. “EVEN IF HE KNEW ABOUT SPYING ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN, HE’S FORGOTTEN SINCE THEN…”

 6. “’DEFUND THE POLICE’ MEANS WE CAN AFFORD MORE SWEETHEART DEALS FOR BIDEN FAMILY MEMBERS…”

5. “IF YOU LIKE THIS SHUTDOWN, YOU’LL LOVE JOE’S GREEN NEW DEAL!”

 4.  “TRULY, FRIENDS: HE IS PLAGIARIZING A LOT LESS THAN HE USED TO…”

 3.  “I WOULD NEVER STEAL WHITE HOUSE FURNITURE LIKE THE CLINTONS…  A FEW CHEVY SUBURBANS…    MAYBE.”

 2.  “MY VICE PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT STATE WE ARE IN…”

…and the NUMBER ONE ADVERTISING THEME BEING CONSIDERED by the JOSEPH BIDEN CAMPAIGN is:

1. “IN CHINA, WHILE JOE WAS GABBING, HUNTER WAS GRABBING…”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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 ​10.  I​n a 6-3 decision written by Justice Gorsuch, employment discrimination against LGBTQ individuals was struck down, based on a new interpretation of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.   

However, in a show of hands, all nine justices agreed that, in the workplace, show tunes ought never to be played above 102 decibels.  

​ 9.​  About ten feet from the Court’s official 2020 photo location, neatly draped over a chair, is one pair of men’s trousers.

​ 8.  ​Following the court’s 5-4 “McGirty v. Oklahoma” decision, ​ recogniz​ing the sovereignty of the Lakota & Cherokee nations, nine free passes to the Dancing Bear Casino arrived by courier from ​a Tulsa address.

​ 7. ​  Upholding the First Amendment’s freedom of religion clause, the Court’s “Little Sisters of the Poor v. Pennsylvania” decision enshrined the right of the Catholic nuns to avoid compulsion to provide benefits for what they consider to be sinful activity.   

In the ladies’ restroom at the court, there was gratuitous graffitto ​comparing the sisters​ to that Sally Field character.  

 6.  In the Justices’ Dining Room, a “bong” stained with lipstick was found near the microwave.

​ 5. ​With many arguments before the court taking place by telephone and “Zoom,” ​during one appeal, ​an unidentified voice referred to a  justice as “an over-educated twerp.”

 4.  The “Barr v. American Association of Political Consultants” decision concluded that robocalls for political causes and debt collection were protected free speech. 

However, two justices admitted, during oral argument, that they had personally stalked and threatened debt collectors.

 3.  A little known decision that strengthens officials’ ability to verify actual, legal residents of the state requires that those on line to vote in Texas must continually dance the two-step.

2.  The mixed ” Vance v. Trump” decision concluded that sitting presidents may be subject to criminal subpoenas, but referred the Congressional quest for the President’s tax records back to lower courts. 

 In his written explanation to the president, the Chief Justice suggested that the most effective way to respond to Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance ​may be a well-executed head lock. 

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE AROUND the U.S. SUPREME COURT BUILDING as this SESSION ENDS is:

 1.  In “Kelmell v. Florida​​,” the court affirmed the long-standing requirement that police ​read the “Miranda rights” to all apprehended persons.   However, police may now inform arrestees about exciting current promotions from Amway, Mary Kay and Avon, as well.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. “We’re Hidin’ with Biden.”

9. “This Is Your Summer of Love”

8. ” Here’s the Green New Deal: All Your Flights Home Have Been Cancelled”

7. “More Looting, less Prosecuting”

6. “Win with Sleepy, Creepy and Weepy”   (Biden, Harvey Weinstein & Schumer)

5. “A Convention on Zoom, to Nominate a Loon”

4. “Let’s Vote for Bernie’s Platform Before we Read It”

3. “You May be Able to Keep Your Doctor, Quite Possibly”

2. “No I.C.E., but Lots of Free Stuff”

…and the NUMBER ONE “OFFICIAL THEME” BEING CONSIDERED for the DEMOCRATS’ AUGUST CONVENTION isw:

1. ” Weed, Greed and Lots More Taxes”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  Keep practicing:  “ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh” …   ” ZEE – know – PHO – bee – uh…”

 9.  It’s exactly 14 steps up from the basement to the ice maker.  So here’s my 14 point plan where you can actually keep your doctor. 

8. These AOC talking points for halting air travel and gas-powered cars…   That wouldn’t include Air Force One and my limos… would it? 

7. Pull together a plan for ending the Vietnam war. 

6.  Wow, these hair plugs do need a tune-up before my convention speech.  How ’bout rainbow colors? 

5.  How else can I say “tax hike?”   “Contribution?”   “Patriotic gift?”  

4.  Attack Justice Clarence Thomas again. 

3.  What’s my plan if President Trump actually meets me behind that gym? 

2. I can see Hunter as an ambassador, can’t you? 

…and the NUMBER ONE CHECKLIST ITEM for JOSEPH BIDEN this WEEK is:

1. Sure, I’m all for debating.   How about five lightning rounds on the topic of Delaware rest stops?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.​ “Where’s the shower?”​

9. ​”Thank you, Officer Muldoon.   That IS the guy who stole my I-phone.”

​ 8. ​”Who was that very tall guy in the suit?    His weed was really far-out, man.”​

7. ​”O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light….”​

6. ​ “Oh no, sergeant.   Defund the Police doesn’t mean YOU.”​

5. ​”I’m only here to meet some babes.”​

4.​ “I have to admit, Giuliani’s policies saved about 50,000 black & brown lives in recent decades.”​

3. ​  “What would I need a change of clothes for?”​

2. ​ “My appearance aside,  I was thinking of taking the NYPD entrance exam.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT QUITE UNLIKELY to be HEARD at that “OCCUPY” ENCAMPMENT OUTSIDE CITY HALL in NYC is:

1.   “We ain’t leavin’ until they cut marginal income tax rates.”​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. ” Pelosi​ Pilates​ Lunge”  (for impeachment)

 9.   “​Chuck ​Schumer​ Tai-Chi”  ​(With slow, controlled eastern-inspired motion, the Senate Minority Leader alternates between scowling & high energy bloviating. Triple practice sessions on Sunday when cameras are detected.)

 8. “The Adam Schiff Shuffle”  (Emphatically claim you have evidence of Russian collusion, but never say you’re sorry when proven to be untruthful.)

 7.  “The Di Caprio Dash”  (Leonardo ​sprint​s​ to his private jet​, en route to this week’s climate change symposium​.)

 6.  “The Joe Biden Crawl”   (Up from his basement and over to China…)

 5. “House Bailout Bill bench press”  (Beef up the biceps by pressing a 21-pound [1,800 pages] multi-trillion dollar bill with each arm.)

 4.  The “Jerrold Nadler Promenade”  (Don a frayed suit and carry a bill of impeachment 1/4 mile to the Senate.    Return and repeat.)

 3. “Mayor DeBlasio Run-in-Place news conference”  (Reporters counteract the overwhelming impulse to drift into sound sleep as the Mayor drones on with another 2-hour monologue…  by combining jumping jacks with running-in-place, while re-hydrating with Red Bull.)

 2.  “Pyong Yang Alley-Oop”   (The Supreme Leader of North Korea takes chest-high passes from Dennis Rodman before dunking a basketball on a hoop a full five feet off the ground).

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW FITNESS ROUTINE DEVELOPED DURING IN-HOME LOCKDOWNS is…

1. The “Cuomo (Nursing Home) ​Elliptical​”   (Aerobic hemming-and-hawing, synchronized with two-handed finger pointing at Washington.)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10. ​ ​T​hat​ strangely familiar​ guy in the back of the “Speed Dating” bar party is a former president of the United States.

​ 9. ​With no more Corona virus briefings from Mayor DeBlasio, reporters emerge from NYC City Hall fully alert and awake.

​ 8. ​Protesters advocating a “correct” cause can congregate in crowds, without masks. (No, not YOU, not yet)….

​ 7. ​Joe Biden is spotted in the sunshine, waving to people.   Police soon deliver him back to the family in Wilmington.

 6. Looters pause to apply sun block they’ve just stolen.

 5. Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio emerge from quarantine to hop on their private jets en route to the next Climate Change symposium.

​ 4. ​Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer​‘s husband, Dr. Marc Molloy, manages to avoid​ say​ing ​ “do you have any idea who my wife is?” for ​five whole hours.​

 3. Astronauts return from the space station, only to ask:  “What virus?”

 2. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot no longer feels a need to explain how she “takes her personal hygiene very seriously.”

…and the NUMBER ONE SIGN that YOUR STATE is FINALLY “OPENING UP” is…

 1. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo goes “cruising” in his 1968 GTO convertible, yelling: “I’m available!  I’m available!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.​  “Fraternity Pledge“

9.​  “​Global​ Studies ​honor student​”​

8.​  “​A​ member of Joe Biden’s base”​

7.​  “Concerned Youth”​

6.​ “Our Best and Brightest”​

5.​  “Income Equality Champion”​

4.  “​Ad-Hoc​ ​Gasoline Broker”​

3.​  “Police Brutality opponent”​

2.​  “Human Rights attorney” 

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW MEDIA EUPHEMISM for “LOOTER,” “VANDAL,” “RIOTER,” “ARSONIST,” and ‘GANG-BANGER” is:

1.  “Interim Store Manager”​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2020 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.  ​Presidents Trump and Obama share .09% German DNA​.​​ 

9. ​ Joe Biden is a second cousin to malaprop king “Professor” Irwin Corey​.​​ 

8.​  An MSNBC personality discovers he is distantly related to Stalin & Hitler, but responds: “Who?” ​ 

7.​   President Trump, Vice President Pence and actor Jay Silverheels share a common distant ancestor: Geronimo. 

6.  It’s no coincidence that US Senator Bernie Sanders and “Kentucky Colonel” Harlan Sanders share a surname.​ 

5. ​ Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard is a first cousin, thrice removed, of Hillary Clinton. 

4.  CNN’s Jim Acosta is told he is a 5th cousin of William Howard Taft, but asks: “Is he up for re-election?” 

3.  Dan Rather is a long lost nephew of Richard Nixon.

  2.  A re-test may be advised, but former presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke appears to have descended from Bill Clinton.​ 

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING DISCOVERY FROM THOSE HOME-DNA TESTS TAKEN DURING SHUTDOWN is:

1. ​ ​Test after test​, Elizabeth Warren remains zero percent Native American.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .