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TOP TEN ITEMS ON PRESIDENT XI’S “TO DO” LIST BEFORE LEAVING SAN FRANCISCO (LAST WEEK’S TOP TEN WAS DELAYED DUE TO WEBSITE GLITCHES…)

10.  Head to “The Tenderloin” in civvies with Gavin Newsom and a fistful of “fifties.”
  9.  Call James Comer to see if those checks issued to Delaware shell corporations can still be canceled.
 8.   Visit one of our CCP “Police Stations,” to lead by example and personally browbeat a critic of our patriotic government.
  7.  Remove tie, apply for renewal of San Francisco County taxi driver hack license.
  6.  Check in to see if Connie Chung is available yet.
  5.  Walk into Mister Jiu’s restaurant, then order a rib-eye with onion rings, just for laughs.
  4.     At “The Punch Line” club downtown, begin stand-up routine with “So an Asian statesman walks into a bar, brandishing 400 nuclear weapons…”
  3.   Leaves a monotone voice mail at the White House:  “The bombing will commence in five minutes.“
 
  2.  Approach one of our sales reps. on Haight Street, to see how the fentanyl is moving.
… and the number one item on President Xi’s “To Do” list before leaving San Francisco was:
  1.    Get Joseph Biden’s autograph …  on that memo cancelling jet fighter sales to Taiwan.
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TOP TEN LIKELY QUESTIONS for GOP CANDIDATES if DEBATES WERE to be MODERATED by the NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL BOARD….

  1.  Do you consider yourself a racist, and if not, when did you stop being one?

 

  1.   What is your plan to end poverty in 2025?

 

  1.    So, the national debt is $31 trillion.   Can’t we just cancel that?

 

  1.  Who amongst you is against confiscation of private firearms?

 

  1.  You say we need a 350-ship Navy.   Couldn’t we just convert some drydocked Staten Island ferries?

 

  1.   Do you have any preferred pronouns, aside from “governor?”

 

  1.    At what age should “drag queens” be part of a toddler’s education?

 

  1.  We used to have a 90% marginal tax rate on higher incomes.    Was that so wrong?

 

  1.  Will your Cabinet look like America, or more like that exclusive, gated enclave you surely sleep in ?

 

…and the NUMBER ONE LIKELY QUESTION for GOP CANDIDATES if DEBATES WERE to be MODERATED by the NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL BOARD is…

 

  1. Is hate a Republican value?

 

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

 

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TOP TEN WAYS THAT JOSEPH BIDEN and SECRETARY BLINKEN WILL be ABLE to TELL if IRAN is CHEATING on the NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY are PUSHING:

(This TOP TEN is a reworked version of an Obama-era TOP TEN from 2016.  When will our elected leaders take the Iranians’ threats seriously?”

 

     10.    Iconic view of Mount Tochal from Tehran obscured by stacks of new ICBM missiles. 

  1.       High-stepping Iranian Guards regiment leading off beloved “Macy’s Thanksgiving parade” on Broadway.
  1.      Fox’s late night host Greg Gutfield goes on vacation.     Guest host: Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah 
  1.       The good news:   Finally, a woman appears on the $20 bill.

              The bad news:   Thanks to the hijab, we can’t tell who she is.

      6.     ​Cover-page headline on “Cosmopolitan” magazine:   “EXCITING NEW BURQAS ​to DRIVE HIM WILD!“

       5,     Starbucks introduces new espresso beverage for middle America:   Bani Sadr Tabriz Truffle

  1.        For six days now, callers to London and Berlin always get that creepy “busy circuit” buzz.
  1.      Most popular baby names in the USA, 2022:    “Noah” and “Olivia”

                 Most popular baby names in the USA, 2023:    “Abdul-Fazi” and “Nazanin-Sahra”

  1.      “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive?”   — Supreme Leader Ali Khameni !!   (That vain Supreme Leader!   For the photo shoot, his robes were clearly more form fitting.)

​…and the NUMBER ONE WAY THAT JOSEPH BIDEN and SECRETARY BLINKEN WILL be ABLE to TELL if IRAN is CHEATING on the NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY are PUSHING is…

  1.      In place of the U.S. national anthem, public address announcer in Philadelphia​’s Wells Fargo Arena intones:  “Gentlemen, please rise and remove your turbans, as we chant ‘Death to the Hoyas!'”

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN MOST SCARY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

 

      10. Chuckling, salivating Xi Jinping, holding glossy 8 x 10s of  “usefuls” Biden, Harris and Gavin Newsom.

 

  1. “Migrant fugitive” costume, including US Treasury check, free phone, Medicaid card, free housing voucher, black-market revolver, and a “Majorkas for President” button

 

  1. “Cackling Kamala,” with broomstick and smaller, personal nuclear football

 

  1. Star Trek “Evil Queen” pants suit, with your choice of AOC, Hillary Clinton or Rashida Tlaib visage

 

  1. Special father/son costume package, featuring Fidel Castro and Justin Trudeau.   For extra Halloween fun, dress Justin in the green fatigues

 

  1. Tax-chugging Kathy “Ms. Dracula” Hochul black cape and mask

 

  1. “Hangin’” Merrick Garland mask, with “See no Biden Crimes” blinders and an electric chair for Republican defendants

 

  1. “Oversized Hands” costume, with your choice of Andrew Cuomo or Bill Clinton mask

 

      2.  Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” costume and mask

 

…. and the NUMBER ONE MOST SCARY HALLOWEEN COSTUME is…

 

  1. Frightening “Delaware Zombie,” festooned with electrodes, hair plugs and stack of executive orders

 

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN REASONS the PRESIDENT KEEPS OUR SOUTHWEST BORDER WIDE OPEN

10.   NOT ENOUGH TOURISM IN TEXAS.
 9.    OTHERWISE, MIGRANTS FROM HAMAS WOULD BE FORCED TO FLY OVER THE BORDER WALL ON HANG GLIDERS.
 8.    WHILE SECRETARY MAJORKAS WAS ASSURING HIM THE “BORDER IS SECURE,” THE PRESIDENT WAS DISTRACTED BY AN ENVELOPE
                                      STUFFED WITH CASH .
  7.     AIRLINE INDUSTRY HAS REALLY PERKED UP  THANKS TO FREE FLIGHTS FOR MIGRANTS.
  6.     BLUE COLLAR WAGES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH.
  5.     THE SAME EAST GERMAN BUREAUCRAT WHO MISTAKENLY OPENED THE BERLIN WALL IS IN CHARGE OF RIO GRANDE PATROLS.
  4.    HOTELS IN NEW YORK CITY ARE FINALLY HOPPIN’ AGAIN.
 3.      FITS IN WITH NATIONAL DEMOCRAT “JUST SHOW UP AND VOTE” STRATEGY.
2.       THE WHITE HOUSE MESS NEEDS MORE FOREIGN ACCENTS.
              …and the NUMBER ONE REASON the PRESIDENT KEEPS OUR SOUTHWEST BORDER WIDE OPEN is…
1.         WHAT BORDER?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN LATEST REVISIONS to the “STYLE GUIDE” for REPORTERS at ‘MAINSTREAM” NEWS ORGANIZATIONS…

​10.  “Right wing” — may be used to describe active Republicans, parents attending school board meetings, or regular attendees at religious services

 

​ 9.  “Left wing”  – – A trigger word better left unused domestically.    May only be invoked to describe opponents of an ayatollah, Communist dictator or strongman overseas.

 

​ 8.   “Militant”  – – descriptive term for a co-ed manning a pro-life literature table on a college campus, OR a Hammas murderer​ of civilians

 

​ 7.  “Gender​“  –​  a fungible term if there ever was one

 

​ 6. “Kamala Harris”  — the most “highly tasked” vice president in history

 

​ 5.  “Iran”   –  ​   There are no consequences for paying $6 billion to homicidal mullahs for the return of five​ U.S.  hostages​.

 

​ 4.  “Threat to Democracy” –  never link this phrase to “Voter ID,” although Americans from all ethnicities and races support it.

 

  1.  “Mother / Father”    –   anachronisms that belong in the 20th century.   “Parent,” “guardian,” and when appropriate, “pregnant person” are preferred.

 

  1.    “Inflation”  —     … is “coming down.”    Do not mention the 20% rise in cost-of-living since the Biden inauguration.

 

…and the NUMBER ONE LATEST REVISION to the “STYLE GUIDE for REPORTERS” at ‘MAINSTREAM” NEWS ORGANIZATIONS is…

 

  1.    “Gun violence”  —   Do not bring up the president’s 41-minute speech on the topic, where he never mentioned the word “crime.”

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

 

WE STAND WITH ISRAEL !

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TOP TEN “CZAR/ CZARINA” JOBS THAT OUR KAMALA is SUCCESSFULLY JUGGLING

(PLEASE NOTE: “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” will be on “hiatus” next week.  So there will be no “Top Ten” delivered on Oct. 9th.)

 

  1.  ​In charge of the (closed) southern border

 

  1.  ​Tasked with reducing “gun violence”   (President Biden’s 41-minute speech announcing Kamala as Czar never mentioned the word “crime.”)

 

  1. Overseeing the cost of energy

 

  1. ​In charge of pronouns   (Just never say “we” the people)

 

  1. ​Directing all home attendants and necessary therapies for the President

 

  1. ​Driving that inflation reduction

 

  1. Advancing universal pre-natal care for “pregnant people”

 

  1.  ​“Bird-dogging​” nationwide round-up of “domestic terrorist” parents at PTA meetings

 

  1.  ​In hot pursuit of on-the-lam “Catholic extremists” who oppose partial-birth abortion

 

…and the NUMBER ONE “CZAR/CZARINA” JOB THAT OUR KAMALA is SUCCESSFULLY JUGGLING is:

 

  1.  ​Critically, she will determin​e whether “czar” or “czarina” is more politically correct

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN REMARKS OVERHEARD THIS WEEK at the 78th GENERAL ASSEMBLY of the UNITED NATIONS

  1. “What does ‘All-Gender Restroom’ mean?”                             -Nana Addo Dankara Akufo Addo, President of Ghana

 

  1.  “Some ambassador asked me to be here today.  That’s who, buddy!”    — “Miss Cha Cha,” Turtle Bay Classy Escorts

 

  1.   “Hey guys, I am flush with cash this week.   Hummus and warheads are on me!”    –   Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Ali Hasseini                                                                                                                Khamenei

 

  1.   “Y’know, some of those climate rioters are REAL Communists!”                 – Oh Joon, Ambassador of North Korea to the United Nations

 

  1.  “That must be Al Gore, John Kerry and Leo DiCaprio hovering overhead in the triple-blade helicopter.”     – Dr. Ozone Shields, chairperson, “Ban                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Fossil Fuels Now, Inc.”

 

  1. “I am so happy to be back here in South Carolina.”       – President Joseph Biden

 

  1. “I am proud to bring you greetings from President Xi, along with spotted lantern flies, secret police surveillance, spy balloons, hypersonic missiles, and a new wave of lab-hatched Covid.”                              – Cao Dung, Ambassador of China to the United Nations

 

  1. “Whether it is cash from a Biden family member or any of the other Excellencies present, your off-shore accounts are always safe with us!”                                                                  -Hampton Rockyfeller, Deputy Premier, Grand Cayman

 

  1. “Yoo-hoo, Vladimir!     Betcha didn’t think we’d be in NATO this quickly, did you?”                  – Sauli Niinisto,  President of Finland

 

…and the NUMBER ONE REMARK OVERHEARD THIS WEEK at the 78th GENERAL ASSEMBLY of the UNITED NATIONS is:

 

  1.   “Sarge, we can’t ticket ANY of these idling limos in the ‘No Standing’ zones?”     – NYPD Officers Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon

 

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN LESSER-KNOWN NEW BIDEN EXECUTIVE ORDERS on GUNS

 

  1. At the 2024 Super Bowl in Las Vegas, your “Biden ​Gun Buy-Back” will provide $5 in casino chips in exchange for your family protection device.

 

  1. Ethnic celebrations that feature firing rifles into the air will receive National Endowment for the Humanities grants.

 

  1. The Secret Service is hereby deployed to provide Chuck Schumer, Dr. Jill, Hakeem Jeffries, Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders with their own moving, square-mile Gun Free Zones.

 

  1.  AR-15s confiscated from law-abiding Americans will be issued to crossing migrants as a “Welcome to America” benefit.

 

  1. In the event of home invasion, operators will be available for “chats” on the White House website, 8AM-to-9PM daily.

 

  1. For all past and future transgressions, Hunter is issued a full and well-deserved Presidential Pardon.

 

  1.   Ordinary Americans can apply for a $100 credit if they decide to hire a personal security detail.

 

  1. New Federal re-branding campaign will attract more visitors to D.C. by referring to it as “Tranquility.”

 

  1. All really scary-looking guns are herewith banned.

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER-KNOWN BIDEN EXECUTIVE ORDER on GUNS is…

  1. You can print out the White House’s “GUN FREE ZONE” decal to protect your home.

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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TOP TEN HEADLINES MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON’T be USING THIS WEEK

  1. MR. BIDEN SAID TO BELIEVE​ IT’S RFK’S FATHER RUNNING AGAINST HIM

 

  1. AIDES REVEAL THAT VICE PRESIDENT’S FAVORITE ASSIGNMENT IS AS ​HIP-HOP DANCER

 

  1. SECRETARY BUTTIGIEG PLANNING TO SYNCHRONIZE NEXT BABY ADOPTION WITH T​HE LATEST TRANSPORTATION CATASTROPHE

 

  1. TO DRAMATIZE HIS FEAR OF CLIMATE CHANGE, JOHN KERRY PERSONALLY THREW TOMATO SOUP AT​ OVAL OFFICE PAINTINGS 

 

  1. ​SHELTERING IN REHOBOTH BEACH, ​DR. JILL TEST​S POSITIVE FOR ​POTOMAC FEVER, NOT COVID

 

  1. HOUSING SECRETARY FUDGE LIKES THE SOUND OF “CZARINA” MORE THAN HER ACTUAL TITLE

 

  1.  ​UPON SEEING KAMALA HONORING THE “50TH ANNIVERSARY of HIP-HOP,” JOE ASKED: “IS IT TIME FOR THAT EASTER EGG ROLL AGAIN?”

 

  1.  NANCY PELOSI DECLARES FOR RE-ELECTION, DESPERATE TO FINALLY ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING

 

  1.  NASHVILLE UTILITY CALCULATES THAT CARBON FOOTPRINT OF AL GORE’S COMPOUND EXCEEDS THAT OF ENTIRE CITY OF MEMPHIS

 

…and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON’T be USING THIS WEEK is:

 

  1.  IN NEWEST LAPTOP DISCOVERY, HUNTER COMPLAINS ABOUT BIDEN-FLATION STEALING TWO MONTHS OF BRIBERY INCOME 

 

 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

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