Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. Bill and Hill:   Figure out a new money-grubbing scheme​ by spring​

9. President Trump:   Limi​t ​tweets to mostly sports​ topics​

8. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez:  read​ (and comprehend)​ “Capitalism for Dummies”

7. Michael Avenatti, Esq.:  Learn a useful skill prior to release from prison

6. Kim Jong-un:  ​Rest in the ​know​ledge​ that your country has never been attacked while being visited by Dennis Rodman​

5. CNN’s Brian Stelter and Chris Cuomo:   Be more assertive in trying to make fake news believable

​ ​4. Billionaire candidate Tom Steyer:    Keep costs in Iowa Caucuses below $50,000 per​ voter

3. Former President Obama:  Cool it on Trump, receive anonymous Mar-a-Lago golf membership

2. Speaker Nancy Pelosi:   Appease your “Squad,” but prevent your husband’s businesses from being nationalized

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2020 is:

1.James Comey:  While the getting’s good, politely and humbly ask your former boss for a presidential pardon

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” WISHES ALL READERS and FANS the BEST for a HEALTHY & SUCCESSFUL 2020…….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   Separate French and English muzzles for Pierre Trudeau​.

 9.  One day, just one, of favorable news coverage for you-know-who.

 8. Complete moccasins-&-full-headdress-set for Sen. Elizabeth Warren.​

 7.   Five knee-slapping jokes gift wrapped for Sen. Mitch McConnell.

​ 6. A TV camera constantly recording 24/7 with podium and lighting, for Senator Chuck Schumer.​

 5.   “Free” tuition for ​AOC and “the Squad”​ to attend ​a helpful seminar, “Capitalism for Dummies​,​”​ led by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett.​

 ​4.   A​n all-male environment for Harvey Weinstein, except for visits from BFF Hillary.​

 3. For Nancy Pelosi:  that promised day of prayerful, somber atonement and reflection.   

 2. For President Trump:  a 2020 Dem ticket of Bernie Sanders and Ilhan Omar.

…and the NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS or HANNUKAH GIFT for 2019 is:
 1.   (In exchange for a no-nukes North Korea…)  An NBA franchise for Kim Jong-un (the Pyong Yang Predators?)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” wishes all our readers blessings and good cheer for Christmas and Hannukah….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

– On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         –Burisma jobs for you and for me…

– On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         – Two Harveys leer- ing .

-On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  a Three percent growth rate.

– On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  Four Cuomos preaching.

– On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – Fi-i-i-ve  Kav-a-naughsss.

– On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Six Schiff collusions.

– On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        –  Seven Bidens grinning.

– On the eighth day of Christmas, BILL CLINTON gave to me:

         – Eight maids-a-milking.   (We had to take one set of gifts from the original song!)

– On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –    Nine fake newspapers.

–  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –  Ten Javelin missiles.

–  On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

           –  Eleven tweeted insults.

–  On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

            – Twelve Nadler verdicts.

Yuletide blessings for Christmas and Hannukah to all “Top Ten” readers and your families, and good tidings to all for 2020.

***

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. “Yes, that was me who subpoenaed and got your personal telephone records.   This holiday season, it’s my way of reaching out and touching you.”                –House Intelligence Committee Chairman Alan Schiff

9. “Maybe we did overstate those climate change and rising seas predictions.   With season’s greetings from our new Martha’s Vineyard oceanfront  mansion,”     Yours, Barack and Michelle

8.  “Meli Kalikimaka to all Americans, even Hillary.”            – US Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard

7. “Dashing through the snow, with security guys nearby.”    -North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un

6.   “You better watch out, we better not lose.   That 401 (k) is really ‘on cruise.'”   -official 2019 White House Christmas card

5.   “Dear Occupant, there is always next year.    Your distracted Congressman, Eric Swallwell.”

4. “Let us join to celebrate the winter solstice, just as our prescient pagan forebears did.”    -Generic greeting used by 79 college presidents

3. “May the festival of lights infuse you with the optimism of Hanukkah….  as we cobble another coalition government together.”                                                       – Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu

2. “Don’t make us promise to leave the United States again next year, as we pledged to do after the 2016 elections.”   – Miley Cyrus, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler & Jon Stewart

—and the NUMBER ONE 2019 CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:

1.  “And may all your safe spaces be white.   Err, let me rephrase that.”    -University Vice President for Student Concerns and Sustainability

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10. “Lord…. This is, Donald, your humble servant….   Please let them pick Crazy Bernie.”    –  President Trump

9. “A $100 tax on each turkey wouldn’t even be noticed.  Not in Cambridge.”     – US Senator Elizabeth Warren

8. “Please attack me again.   Please, Hillary.   You have enough bile left for one more fake smear.”                             –US Rep. Tulsi Gabbard

7. “Lord, with your blessing and a mere quadrupling of our ratings, we can defeat this man.”   – CNN President Jeff Zucker

6. “Almighty, steer liberal viewers toward my countless brilliant TV commercials, and not those gawdawful debates.”  – Michael Bloomberg

5. “Dear Pops, wherever you are.  Teach me how to divvy up one medium turkey among 26 million people.”  – North Korean “leader” Kim Jong-un

4. “Help us to convince our brethren that Trump was guilty of something in Ukraine, while Biden was not.”    – Simulcast Prayer broadcast from US Reps. Pelosi, Schiff and Nadler

3. “Let us count our blessings.   Hey, at least I am still a prince.”  – Andrew, Duke of York

2. “Turkey?   Can I just have two rolls of toilet paper?”  – Venezuelan shopper

…and the NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING DINNER INVOCATION was:

1. “Shower thy blessings on those who have been so expansively and energetically generous to us at MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post.”    –  Democrat National Committee Chairman Tom Perez

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10.​  Calm down!  It’s not “impeachment fodder!”     It’s just peach cobbler. 

9.  ​So a tofu turkey is “sustainable,” but this​ ​one is not?​

8.​   Honey, my cousins are here….   Please don’t refer to them as “the Caravan.”​ 

7.​   You mean the real Pocahontas was an honest woman who never ran for office?​ 

6.  ​Looks like the men are “colluding” to turn on the football game.​ 

5. ​Y’know what goes great with Chicken Kiev?   A Moscow Mule.

4. ​ Mommy!  The man on CNN says that Adam Schiff, Hakeem Jeffries, AOC and Jerry Nadler all hunted for their turkeys this morning.

3. ​Bless us oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty and the strongest free economy in the world.​

2.    An anonymous whistleblower says you baked this with canned pumpkin pie mix.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT to HELP YOU GET THROUGH THANKSGIVING DINNER is:

​1.​  The Thanksgiving cures for insomnia? 

A. Re-runs of those impeachment hearings.       

B. Any lecture by a Cuomo.   

C. Large servings of tryptophan-laden  foods.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10. Hunter Einstein

 9. “Warren Buffett” Biden

 8. ​ Joe’s Albatross

  7.  Co​key Hunter

   6. “T. Boone” Biden

   5.  Choo Choo Biden ​             (from his Amtrak Board expertise)

   4. Thomas Alva Biden

   3.  That Lovable Lobbyist

​   2.  Burisma Biden

…and the NUMBER ONE ACTIVE NICKNAME for HUNTER BIDEN (as translated from the original Ukrainian and Mandarin)

   1.  The Oracle of Wilmington

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  Agriculture Secretary Sonny Purdue discussed ag subsidies with the Indiana Governor the same week he requested ​crime ​stats on Mayor Pete​​‘s South Bend!!

 9.  The​ FAA approves new Omaha to Kiev shuttle for Ukraine Airlines.    Coincidence?

 8.   President Trump​ ​was about to refer to “Little Vladimir,” but th​ought​ better of it.    ​Why the change of heart?

 7.    A subject was observed, while in between marriages, hanging out with Bill Clinton one evening.​   

 6.​  ​​ A company erecting border wall in Arizona includes an in-house security guard who donated $100 to “Re-elect Trump.”

​ 5.  ​ Most of Melania’s clothing purchases can be traced to “red” states.

​ 4.  A stranger posing with young Donald Trump for a photo turned out to be G. Gordon Liddy.

 3.  Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross once stayed near the Watergate Hotel in 1972.

 2.  Larry Kudlow gave a hot stock tip for “hedge fund executive” Hunter Biden to ​consider for investing that $1.5 billion ​the ​Chinese ​gave him.

…and the NUMBER ONE NEW “IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE” BEING CONSIDERED by CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF and HIS HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE is…

 1. The mere use of terms like “Crazy Bernie,” “Pocahontas,” “Little Mike” and “Sleepy Joe” violates the First, Fourth and Ninth Amendments.​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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Last week, the Washington Post ran this headline after the terrorist leader of ISIS killed himself and his children as American forces were pursuing him:

“BAKR al-BAGHDADI, AUSTERE RELIGIOUS SCHOLAR at HELM of ISIS, DIES at 48.”

This was a new low for the Wash-Post, to many observers of the once-proud news organization…   Herewith are the Top Ten ways current Post leadership might have treated major American news events:

 10.  PLAN FOR DEVELOPING NATION’S CAPITOL TO DESTROY MILES OF IRREPLACEABLE WETLANDS

 9.  MONDALE CARRIES MINNESOTA, TROUNCING REAGAN STATEWIDE, 51-49%

 8. ECCENTRIC SCULPTOR TO GAIN PERSONALLY FROM DEVIOUS PROJECT AT MOUNT RUSHMORE

  7. IN LANDING 165,000 TROOPS ON NORMANDY  BEACHES, MILITARY BRASS FAIL TO CONSIDER TRANSGENDER CONCERNS

 6. LEAVING DEBRIS ON THE MOON, NASA APPEARS TO THWART FIRST LADY’S BEAUTIFICATION PROGRAM

 5.  JAPANESE AIRCRAFT STRAY IN TO U. S. AIRSPACE OVER OAHU

  4.  SOVIETS AND DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF GERMANY CONSTRUCT WALL and “DEATH ZONE” TO REPEL FORCES OF FASCISM FROM ENTERING THE EAST

  3.  CLINTON WOULD BE FIRST PRESIDENT TO FACE REMOVAL FOR MERE DALLIANCES

  2.  A RUSSIAN ALASKA WOULD SERVE U.S. INTERESTS … Lincoln, Seward still bent on purchase

,,,and the NUMBER ONE WASHINGTON POST HEADLINE RE-WRITE from AMERICAN HISTORY is:

1.LYRICIST FRANCIS SCOTT KEY APPARENTLY OBLIVIOUS to the CARBON and CLIMATE IMPACTS of ‘THE ROCKETS’ RED GLARE”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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(Mayor Bill deBlasio and his “progressive” allies plan to close Rikers Island, which houses an average of 10,000 prisoners on a perfectly located island with only one point of egress. In its place, they want to build four “community jails” in residential neighborhoods that do not want them.)

​10.​  Vote in your cell, no I.D. needed​.​

​ 9.   ​In-house dating now permitted​, with “Skelmatch.com” website preferred​.

​ 8.   ​Coffee hour with lattes served by corrections officers​.​

​ 7.    ​Prison jump suits by Ralph Lauren​.​

​  6.   ​The good news: Rooftop gardening ​will give​ inmates agricultural skills.       ​ The bad news: Prisoners ​hope to consume all the weed they grow.

​  5.   ​Judgmental “inmates” moniker to be replaced by “valued customer.”

​  4.     ​Judgmental “prison cell” references morph into “living spaces.”

​  3.    ​ Individual hot tubs in each living space.

​  2.   ​  “Rec” hour to be managed by Equinox Fitness.

…and the NUMBER ONE AMENITY in the new “COMMUNITY JAILS” to replace Rikers Island is:

 1.  New Corrections department “frequent guest” program:           Earn a future free night ​at a Ritz Carlton for every five nights spent in jail…

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .