Your Weekly American Top Ten List

 10.    “Statesman John” Kerry bobble-head doll

9.       Samuel L. Jackson and Cher return ticket​ airfares​ to the USA

8.       “Thank you, President Obama” ​coffee mug​s  

                                        (​returns ​re​port​ed in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Haifa and Borough Park,NY)

7.        Harry Reid Chia – Pet kit

6.        Fawning ​Justin Trudeau eulogy to Fidel Castro​ DVD​ 

                                         (musical accompaniment by North Korean Tabernacle Choir)

5.      Expired Freshness Date Nuclear Warheads

                                               (​returns ​reported in Teheran JC Penney and Thrift Shop #8 — Pyong Yang)

 ​

4.       ​Lena Dunham Ugly Christmas Sweater

3.       Joe Biden “Shotgun Cartridge” Cufflinks

2.     Slightly Used AR-15 rifles

                                          (final offerings from “Fast and Furious” campaign)

 …and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH GIFT RETURN OF 2016 is…

1.       Sequined “Inaugural Ball” Knock-Off Pants Suit

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We wish all readers of “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” a blessed and happy 2017.

10.   PM Justin Trudeau:  Require that all “escaping” Hollywood celebrities must use Canadian socialized health care system.

9.    Barack H. Obama:   Finally, I get to play some golf.

8.    Donald J. Trump:   After January 20^th, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

7.    Hillary R. Clinton:    Now we have the time for that four-month tour of Wisconsin.

 6.    William J. Clinton:     While my darlin’ hangs in Green Bay, I do believe I’ll hold down the fort here in Chappaqua.

5.     Raul Castro:    Buy some life insurance from a capitalist American corporation.

4.    Mayor Bill deBlasio (candidate for re-election):           Register all 60,000 NYC homeless by the November election.

3.    President Vladimir Putin: Upgrade wardrobe with new shirts for public horseback riding.

2.    Mayor Rahm Emanuel:  Say one nice thing about the Chicago police prior to next New Year’s eve. 

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2017 is:

  1.     Kim Jong-un: Practice my dunking with visiting Chicago Bulls.            

                      (basket height may be officially “adjusted,” per North Korean Politburo)

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH to all friends of “Your Weekly American Top Ten list”  at gipperten.com.

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THE 12 DAYS of CHRISTMAS  (2016 version)

For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas tree (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung: 

You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order.   But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received.   For example:

 Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.”

 But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song:

 “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

 Try that format with today’s creation, below.  Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Five new sho-o-o-t – guns.” 

 THE TWELVE DAYS of CHRISTMAS (2016)

On the first day of Christmas, my new prez gave to me:   Repealing am – nesty.

On the second day of Christmas, the voters gave to me: Two large swing states.

On the third day of Christmas, the Dems gave to me: Three new scandals.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Paul Ryan gave to me: Four years of tax cuts.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Joe Biden gave to me: Five new shot – guns.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Wisconsin gave to me: Six years of Johnson.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Fox News showed to me: seven Libs-a-quaking.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Bill Clinton gave to me: Eight maids-a-milking.

                                                                             (We had to take one gift from the original song!)

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Prez gave to me: Nine years of low-growth.

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Times gave to me: Ten Hill white-washings.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Putin gave to me:  MIGs buzzing our Navy.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Tom Fitton gave to me: Twelve emails from Hill-ary.

——————————————————————–

Yuletide blessings for Christmas and Hanukkah to all “Top Ten” readers and your families; and good tidings to all for 2017.

——————————————————————–

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10.    “Deck the halls with shotgun pellets…..”

                       –Joe Biden (photo of grinning VP taken on his back porch)

9.    “Sorry we didn’t get together more in 2016.   Let’s connect next year, for sure.”

                                        -Hillary R. Clinton       (sent to all Wisconsin addresses on her mailing list)

8.    “May the festival of lights infuse you and yours with the optimism of Hanukkah.   And let me remind you, as I write, there are only 35 days until January 20th.”

                                                 -Benjamin Netanyahu

7.    “Let us join to celebrate the winter solstice with hope for the future, as our pagan forebears did.”

                     – Generic greeting used by 124 college presidents to date this December

6.     “Though the warming can be delightful, 

                           “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

                                                            – Al Gore

5.     “No, that was just a coincidence on 34th Street!”

– atheist former Congressman Pete Stark

4.    “Happy Final Holidays in the U.S. to you.  Come do lunch with me in (choose one: Canada/ Cuba/ Monaco/ Spain/ South Africa/ Seychelles/ Jupiter)”

                    –  Generic greeting used by Miley Cyrus, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler, Jon Stewart 

3.    “Dashing through the snow, in a Crimean one-horse sleigh…”

                                      -Vladimir Putin

2.    “Until the revolution overcomes the American-generated Cuban sugar shortage, there will be no sugar canes for comrades of any age this proletarian winter.”

                                        -“President” Raoul Castro

…and the NUMBER ONE 2016 CHRISTMAS or HANUKKAH CARD INSCRIPTION is:

1.            “One silver lining is that Hillary and I will be spending each and every evening together now.”

                                     -Bill Clinton, biting his lip violently as he signs

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10.   Joe McCarthy still lives here?

                          -Appleton, Wisconsin

9.   Jill Stein sent over these organic muffins as a thank you.   I had no idea that guava and mango could be “locally sourced” up here.

                          – Saginaw, Michigan

8.    31 votes plus 46 votes equals a 200 vote gain for Hillary, am I right ?

                              – Shickshinny, Pennsylvnia

7.    How can 652 people be registered to vote from Lambeau Field ?    And 97 of them are named “Favre?”

                                 — Green Bay, Wisconsin

6.     Amazing that almost 2,000 paper ballots were just “forgotten” there, behind the dumpster.

                                  — South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

5.     OK,  Edward Snowden, Marilyn Monroe and Warren Spahn vote here.    But Thomas Jefferson ? 

                                   -Deerfield, Wisconsin

4.     No, we don’t tabulate the “legalize dope” write-ins. 

                                    -Ann Arbor, Michigan

3.     This electoral college, it’s not a real school, is it ?

                                    -Milwaukee, Wisconson

2.     Can Michael Moore keep “re-voting” if he wears a different cap each day? 

                                     -Flint, Michigan

 …and the NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD DURING DEMOCRAT VOTE RECOUNTS THIS MONTH is:

1.   You mean we might go through all this for weeks, and Hillary still might not take power ?

                                     -Altoona, Pennsylvania

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10.   Really?   There is a City Ordinance requiring quinoa in turkey stuffing?

                                         – Cambridge, MA

9.    You bagged that 800-pounder with a crossbow?   Needs some hot sauce, though.

                                         -Laramie, WY

8.    Trump might name WHO to run the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission?

                                          -Crockett, TX

7.    Welcome and happy Thanksgiving!    All seven of our bathrooms are gender neutral.

                                    -Central Park West, Manhattan

6.    When I asked for turkey surprise, I was not referring to President Erdogan.

                       -State Department dining room, Washington, DC

 5.    I had no idea John Podesta was an expert on deep-frying the bird.

                                         -Chappaqua, NY

4.    Who would’ve predicted a Clinton eating crow today?

                                         -Chappaqua, NY

3.    All of the ingredients for this vegetarian feast were locally-sourced and organically grown in this community.

                                          -Malibu, CA

2.    Actually, we hunt for all of our food.

                                          -Wasilla, AK

 …and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING THANKSGIVING 2016 was:

1.    Poor Melania has to cook for 28 people today!

                                         – Mar-a-Lago, FL

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10.   Uh, like, we just legalized weed in this state.  Smashing store windows makes it a party!

 9.    I am a gay Unitarian, and I know I’m getting deported!

  8.    Not only did Trump win, but the Portland Hookah Lounge closed.

  7.    On November 7th, Hillary had her “path to 270” locked up.  By November 9th, the Electoral College was fascist and racist.

 6.    If we do nothing, the coal mines will stay open!!

 5.     My grandfather and my father were right.   You can’t beat a protest rally for meeting babes.  (Even if they are a bit gamy.)

 4.     YOU can go to class during this emergency.   Not me.

 3.     Finally, a place to wear my old 1972 psychedelic head band again.

 2.    Now it’s another four years of fossil-fuel vehicles.  This planet is over, dude. 

…and the NUMBER ONE “REASON” for PROTESTING OUR RECENT ELECTIONS is:

 1.    No one cares about your placard’s spelling while you’re blocking ambulances and fire engines!

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10.   Those dang Russians !!

9.     That last rally called for a more tasteful pants suit.

8.     First time voters coming out of public high schools could not comprehend the words “free tuition.”

7.     Not even Bill or Chelsea believed Comey’s “exoneration.” 

6.     Amazingly, Jay-Z could not persuade those West Virginia coal miners.

5.     I guess people really don’t like higher taxes.

4.     Has anyone ever lost an election with Leonardo, Katy and Madonna on board ?

3.     Voter fraud can only get you so far….

2.     I just couldn’t promise “You can keep your doctor” again.

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE of NOVEMBER 8, 2016 is:

1.     We just couldn’t get enough Americans to read the New York Times each day.

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10.    “She has returned nearly all of the furniture she stole from the White House in 2001.”   (Binghamton Journal American)

9.     “Her plans for Obamacare involve spending only triple today’s amounts, NOT quadruple.”

                                                                                                                                                                                        (Fort Worth Post-Intelligencer)

8.     “This time around, Mrs. Clinton has promised to charge reasonable rates when selling the Lincoln bedroom.”             

                                                                                                                                                                        (Atlanta Journal-American)

7.     “Claims that Secretary Clinton is often enraged, unhinged and foul-mouthed are &%$* untrue.”          

                                                                                                                                                                       (Seattle Globe)

6.      “Deleting 33,000 emails through acid scrubbing indicates a level of creativity we really need in our President.”          

                                                                                                                                                                       (Santa Fe Picayune)

5.      “Of course there is no way to pay for free tuition at all US public universities.   But every member of our editorial board has a kid in college.”

                                                                                                                                                                               (Ann Arbor Sun Times)

4.     “If elected, Hillary Clinton would offer a clear break from President Obama.   For example, she would call our terror foes “ISIS,” not “ISIL.”  

                                                                                                                                                                              (Rochester Herald-American)

3.     “As President, Mrs. Clinton has pledged to issue a daily ‘pay-to-play’ report to the American people.  For a fee, of course.”  

                                                                                                                                                                                 (Wall Street Republic)

2.     “If elected, Chicago-born, Boston-schooled Hillary can finally give up her bogus support for the New York Yankees.”            

                                                                                                                                                                                  (Boston Enquirer)

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCERPT from an EDITORIAL ENDORSING HILLARY CLINTON THIS MONTH:

1.     “Hillary was never the actual trigger-person in any of those suspicious deaths involving Clinton opponents.”                                                                                                                                                                                     (Staten Island Progress)

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10.   Tax-chugging Dracula costume with black cape and pale Mayor Bill DeBlasio mask

9.    (Your Choice:)  

           Bernie Sanders as Batman OR Bernie Sanders as the Joker Costume

            (Optional Batmobile:  1987 East German Trabant OR 1990 Yugo)

8.    Star Trek “Evil Queen” pants-suit, with matching Hillary Clinton mask

7.    White Physician’s Jacket, stethoscope, bow tie, and Barack Obama mask.

            (Choose: “You can Keep your Doctor” message OR “Your Premiums will go Down” message for back of white jacket)

6.     Lowest Cost costume of 2016:    

        The “Anthony Weiner” disguise.  

        $6 briefs are your only cost.   Bring your own I-phone .

5.    Harry Reid Angry Clown mask and jumpsuit

4.    Grinning Bill Clinton reading $500,000 speech while wearing chastity belt

3.     Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” mask

2.    Hillary Clinton pants suit, equipped with special belt offering credit card chip reader and old-fashioned money-changer

…and THE #1  MOST TRULY SCARY HALLOWEEN MASK of 2016 is:

1.   Al Franken

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