Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. –  OK, so there was no collusion.  How about ​”​planning to consider conspiring to commit collusion?​”​   –  CNN

9.  No indictments does not mean innocence.  Suppose The Trump Foundation committed treason?   – Cong. Adam Schiff

8. When Donald Trump interviewed Brett Kavanaugh, you don’t think they talked Russia?   -Sen. Kamala Harris

7.    You watch.   They’re gonna serve borscht at the White House Mess this week.   -NPR
​

6.  Look at​ this photo of the President arriving in London on Aeroflot ​!   They couldn’t photo-shop, that, could they?    – George Stephanopoulos

5. ​What on earth would we investigate Hillary for?   – the New York Times

4.   So there will be no indictments.   Our committee now turns to investigating those dangerous, nasty Tweets.  – Cong. Jerold Nadler

3.   We will be committing staff to look into those Trump rallies in Moscow, Idaho and Russian River, California.  -MSNBC

2.  An unnamed source claims that the former Mrs. Putin may be living in the Lincoln bedroom.     -Michael Moore

…and the NUMBER ONE ALREADY-PREPARED COMMENT PRIOR to the MUELLER REPORT’S RELEASE to the PUBLIC is:

1.  My order for triple-secret-probation remains in force.   – Dean Wormer

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. For the Stanford admission, would you accept $4​8​,000 and the complete DVD set of “Desperate Housewives?”

9.   ​If Mr. Einstein​ takes the SAT, that’ll be $35,000.   But if M​r. Edison​ ​sits for the test, the charge is only $25,000​.

8.  Just think of us as “expeditors,”  like those guys at Motor Vehicles.

7.   I think that pro-Trump admissions essay may not get you the desired result with Harvard.

6. I’ll bet you had no idea that your Shrimpy could dunk. 

5. ​  (An SAT test taker answers a question from the test proctor:)  “Of course I’m a student at Greenville Senior High.   Grey hair just runs early on my mother’s side.”
​

4.   Yes, Bubba has been accepted in to the college and on to the equestrian team.  But how come this photo shows your teen on a horse, with a body really similar to Vladimir Putin’s?

3. Chelsea’s essay already mentions Kamala, Beto and Corey?   She won’t even need us to get in to Princeton. 

2.  I think he may be the first high schooler ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.

..and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD DURING the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL INVESTIGATION is:.

1. Fair enough, you’ve never played soccer.   Can you spell soccer?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. There is no “A” train ​subway ​service to ​the ​Hilton Head beaches.

9. He hadn​’​t​ ​heard the term “Cracker” since​ his buddy​ Al Sharpton incited that famous arson incident.

8.  You mean there are no local income taxes in this state?

7.  Noo Yawk sounds about the same in a Carolina accent.

6.   Voters in Beaufort really appreciated hearing about Mrs. deBlasio’s $1 billion​ in phantom​ mental health spending.

5.   Even the college graduates in ​Columbia​,SC needed a second explanation for that “Sanctuary City” idea.

4.   People can ​really ​carry ​pistol​s for their own protection​ down here​?

3.   Yes, mayor,  no toll is charged to cross this bridge.

2.  Folks down here actually believe that if they tax too much, people will leave the state.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISE for NYC MAYOR DeBLASIO DURING HIS “EXPLORATORY” VISIT to SOUTH CAROLINA is:

1. South Carolinians kept confusing Big Bill with his fellow presidential hopeful: South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  Bernie hasn’t worn a red military jacket like Maduro’s since the `69 Woodstock Festival.

 9. Even if he has to clear-cut Vermont’s Green Mountain forests, Bernie swears we’ll never have a toilet paper shortage.

 8.  Maduro may have stolen his elections, but even he supports Voter I.D.

 7. Venezuelans don’t need​ Bernie’s “Medicare for All.”    They’ve​ already​ got a Cuban doctor for every 20,000 residents.

 6.  If they pass that “Green New Deal,” what will Maduro do with all those Citgo gas stations?

 5. Mrs. Ines Flores Maduro only maxed out their government credit card during “U. N. Week” in New York.   

Mrs. Jane Driscoll Sanders bankrupted a whole ​university​, leaving Burlington College defunct.

 4.   ​In Venezuela, ​​Maduro has actually run out of other people’s money.​

3.  Maduro’s military would be too large for Bernie’s America.

 2.   Bernie’s base marches in Birkenstocks, Maduro’s prefers polished jackboots.

…and the NUMBER ONE MOST OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOCIALIST CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS and VENEZUELAN SOCIALIST ICON NICOLAS MADURO is….

1. Venezuela has really put the 1% in their place — wherever they might be now.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  It’s a very pleasant 5 block walk from Trump Tower to the Russian Tea Room.

 9.  Showing off memory prowess, Paul Manafort chortingly recited  John Podesta e-mails about Hillary from Wikileaks.

 8.   Until this month, the most credible secret informer claiming collusion with Russians was Jussie Smollett.

 7. In candidate Trump’s office, Roger Stone rolled up his sleeve to reveal a “Vladimir Putin tattoo.”    Turned out to be a prank henna that washed off in 3 days.   That Roger!

 6. Christopher Steele just seemed so sincere and so honest.

 5. During the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow, businessman Donald Trump accepted a cold borscht sent over by the mayor.

 4. Trying out future campaign nicknames on his escalator, Trump was undecided between “Little Vladimir” and “Lyin’ Vladdy.”

 3.   On tape, we can hear candidate Trump wondering if he too could get “$250,000 a speech in Moscow, like Bill Clinton.”

 2. Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was sighted chugging a machiato at the Starbucks in the Trump Tower lobby.

…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY FINDING in the DRAFT MUELLER REPORT is….

 1.  There IS an embarrassing tape from that Moscow hotel room.   A voracious Trump can be seen clearing out that entire mini bar.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.    ” No, I’m Not that Castro.”    – former San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro

 9.   “Kirsten Just Looks Like She Sings Backup in ‘Abba.’ ”   – Gillibrand 2020

 8.   “If we Get High Together, You’ll Forget Who’s President!”        -Kamala’s the One

 7.    “He’s Rested and Ready to be Released from the Attic.”   – Uncle Joe Biden 2020

 6.    “Y’never Know:  Elizabeth Warren Could be Related to You, too.”

 5. “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Walls!   You can “Beto” Your Life on That!”    (Maybe literally…)

 4. “Elect a Vegan President!  We can End Meat & Seafood Consumption Now!”    -Corey Booker for America 2020

     (Slogan will not be targeted to dairy farmers of Wisconsin, pork farmers of Iowa, lobstermen of Maine or cattle ranchers in the Southwest….)

 3.  “Vote Howie, Grab Free Machiato!”  –  (Starbucks founder) Howard Schultz

 2. “No, You Can’t Keep Your Doctor!”   – Vote Bernie Sanders                               (co-sponsor of  ‘Medicare for All’ bill) 

…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY TRIAL SLOGAN for 2020 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES is…

1. “You Could Easily Elect Worse.”   – President Donald Trump

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.   Beginning  January 2, 2022,  public shaming of Americans driving gasoline powered vehicles will commence.

 9.  A 70% marginal income tax rate will be imposed on “wealthy” Americans, except those determined to be “progressive” in a majority vote of Ms. Ocasio, Elizabeth Warren and Nicolas Maduro.

 8.  Airplane travel will be limited to those signing the “Green New Deal” pledge prior to taking their first-class seats.

 7.   Those found idling their vehicles will be shot by escaping Venezuelan “security forces.”

 6.    The Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard, Marina del Ray, San Francisco Bay and Key West will be exempt from off-shore wind farms, to avoid disturbing the ocean views of certified, worthy progressives.

 5.   Solar panels will be mounted on cows, steers and other bovines to offset the greenhouse gases they emit.

 4.  Fracking is henceforth determined to be a hate crime.

 3.   Those exposed as having complained about the “Green New Deal” will have their Internet, telephone and writing privileges withdrawn. 

 2.  Despite billions in private wealth available to enlightened celebrities, tax credits will subsidize luxury private jets for Leonardo Di Caprio, Al Gore, Mark Ruffalo and Michael Bloomberg, so that they might warn about the dangers of our “carbon footprint.”

…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER KNOWN FEATURE IN THE OCASIO-CORTEZ “GREEN NEW DEAL” is:

 1.SUV & truck drivers will be properly humiliated with public shaving of their heads (includes all 64 genders).

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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:

10.  ​ ​Leading off New York’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade​:    ​30 flatbed trucks displaying Soviet-era SS-20 missiles ….

 9.  Jimmy ​Fallon​ takes a week off from The Tonight Show.    Guest host:   Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.

 8.  Angela Merkel, Viktor Orban, Emmanuel Macron and Theresa May arrive on Cape Cod in a rickety raft, seeking asylum.

 7.   For three weeks now, the lunch menu at the White House Mess always features borscht and Stolichnaya.

 6.    Jaded​ Bostonians ​ don’t notice that the “Washington Shuttle” jet they just boarded is operated by Aeroflot.

 5.   ​C​all​ers​ to Warsaw, Rome and Oslo always h​ear​ that creepy “busy circuit.”

​ 4.   The Good News:   Finally, a woman appears on the US $20 bill.    

  The Bad News:   It’s Catherine the Great​.

 3.  Most popular American baby names – 2017:    Liam and Emma   

  Most popular American baby names –    2019:  Nikita and Klementina

 2.  Strangely familiar man without shirt seen driving on Route 66  “road trip,” with Raul Castro, Daniel Ortega and Nikolas Maduro “riding shotgun,” in a manner of speaking.

…and the NUMBER ONE JUST-REVEALED SURE-FIRE SIGN to “TIP OFF” PRESIDENT OBAMA and SECRETARIES CLINTON & KERRY THAT the RUSSIANS are CHEATING on the INF (MISSILE) TREATY is:

 1.  St. Petersburg’s iconic Hermitage Museum partly obscured by casually stacked nuclear warheads.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  ​Is the blonde ​your translator or mine?​

 9.  So, if, ​ ​just IF you were to build a hotel in Moscow,  just if, who would supply you with Stol​i​chnaya?

 8. Yeah, imagine being married to Angela.  

 7.  You stop nagging me about Ukraine, and I’ll ​cut way back on my​ MSNBC​ ads​ next year.

 6. There’s no video, right?  Is there?   Stop grinning.

 5.   I once had a wisemouth like Nancy Pelosi, too.

​4. Really, how did you get down to a 13% flat income tax?

 3.  Yes, Ivana is still single.  Why do you ask?

 2.  If I bought at Mar-a-Lago, would you throw in a golf cart?

…and the NUMBER ONE ACTUAL PHRASE OVERHEARD in RECENT TRUMP – PUTIN CONVERSATIONS is…

 1.  Believe me, you remove shirt, jump on horse, and approval rating will be 60%.  

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. “The North American Olympic Pole Vault Training Center”

 9. “Frozen Dunes”

 8. “The Gladiator Challenge Experience”

 7. “The Pelosi Palisades”

 6. “Big Bend National Park – WEST”

 5. “Schumer – Trump Towers”

 4. “Caravan Welcome Center”

 3.   ‘”Chavez-Maduro Rest Stop” (stocked with good ol’ US toilet paper)

 2.    “Won’t You be my Neighbor Fencing”

…and the NUMBER ONE “ALTERNATIVE” NAME for “the WALL” that MIGHT GAIN DEMOCRAT SUPPORT is….

 1.   “The Ocasio – Cortez Handball Courts”  (applicable to concrete border barriers only)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .