Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. VICE PRESIDENT’S CACKLING AT NEWS CONFERENCE VISIBLY ALARMS POLISH VIEWERS     -Philadelphia Herald-Tribune

 9. PRESIDENT SAID TO REQUIRE DIRECTIONS TO WHITE HOUSE MEN’S ROOM FOR THIRD TIME 

  -Buffalo Morning Globe

 8. HOCHUL MIMICS GILLIBRAND PLAYBOOK, SHIFTING FROM SECOND AMENDMENT SUPPORT TO GUN CONTROL ZEALOTRY    -Burlington Knickerbocker News

 7. GOVERNOR NEWSOM SIGHTED IN PUBLIC WEARING MASK         -Fresno Intelligencer

 6. BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FAILED TO ANTICIPATE UKRAINE’S NEEDS PRIOR TO INVASION     -Nashville Monitor

 5. E-MAILS REVEAL HUNTER ANGRILY DEMANDED THAT HIS FATHER KEEP the SOUTHERN BORDER WIDE OPEN                                                                                               -Wilmington Star Informant​

4. CONSENSUS OF NOBEL LAUREATES CONCEDES THAT HYPER-INFLATION CAUSED BY MASSIVE FEDERAL SPENDING    – Main Street Journal

 3. CUOMO’S CLOSING OF NUCLEAR PLANT LINKED DIRECTLY TO STARTLING SPIKE IN NYC UTILITY BILLS      – Syracuse Journal-American

 2. STUDY REVEALS THAT RELEASE OF SERIAL VIOLENT OFFENDERS MAY INCREASE CRIME   – The Hartford Obvious

​…and the NUMER ONE HEADLINE WE WON’T BE READING in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA THIS WEEK is…

1. SENATOR HIRONO APPARENTLY UNAWARE THAT HER WEEKLY FLIGHTS TO HAWAII CONSUME FOSSIL FUELS   – Samoa Gazette

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. ​“And​,​ if you pass my “Build Back Better” spending, we can double our national deficit in just months!”

​ 9.​  “Our southern border is secure, thanks to the leadership of Vice President Kam…   Hey,​ ​Kamala, wake up!   This is the part where I talk about you.”

​  8. ​ “As we know, inflation is caused by reckless Federal overspending.”

​  7. ​“We can beat Russia with windmills and solar panels, friends…”​

​  6. ​ “Four score years ago this November, a saviour of this nation was born in Scranton….”

​ ​  5. ​  “The West has not faced a ​violent ​challenge like this since the Cold War.     That is why I am proposing record cuts in our defense budget.”

​  4. ​“Our​ new urban​ strategy is to release ​predator​s and disarm citizens.”

​  3. ​ ” I am drawing a red line in the sand​s​ of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.”

​ 2.​  “Remember​,​ the police are the enemy.”     (actual Biden quote from 2020)

…and the NUMBER ONE LINE THAT SOMEHOW DIDN’T MAKE it INTO JOSEPH BIDEN’S “STATE of the UNION” IS…

​1.​  “​Just this morning, Hunter was saying to me… our​ whole family has a lot at stake in Ukraine!”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  ​“​The Texas Pipeline Massacre​“​    (Joseph Biden puts an end to American energy independence on his first day in office​, earning new billions for Vladimir Putin​)

 9.  ​“​Margaret Trudeau’s Baby​“​

 8. ​“​The Conjuring​ II“​   (A frightening glimpse of the New York City Council in session, moving from defunding NYPD, to removing statues, to new tax hikes, all with the dispatch of super-mega-villains)

 7. ​“​The Chappaqua Witch Project​“​

 6.  ​“​The Silence of the Mainstream Media Lambs​“​

 5.    ​“​An American Werewolf in NATO​“​    (Kamala helpfully reveals to attentive European leaders that we “could be on the brink of war in Europe.”)

 4.    ​“​Bride of Buttigieg​“​   (Even during a lengthy child care-leave sabbatical, our Transportation Secretary presses on with his heroic campaign to obliterate our “car culture”)

 3.     ​”​Son of Biden-stein​”​ (A privileged offspring with zero experience is granted riches wherever he wanders.)

 2.      ​“​They Look Like People​“​   (A news conference with “The Squad” reveals an eerie detachment from reality, including notions that Americans are undertaxed, stealing is social justice, war is peace,  victims are supremacists, first responders are racist…)

…and the NUMBER ONE HORROR MOVIE AWAITING RELEASE in 2022 is…

 1.   ​”​We Need to Talk About Nancy​”​    (With plastic surgery to rival “Chucky,” the Speaker maneuvers to punish the American people while enriching her own family.)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.     Iconic view of Mount Tochal from Tehran obscured by stacks of new ICBM missiles. 

9.       High-stepping Iranian Guards regiment leading off beloved “St. Patrick’s Day Parade” in Manhattan.

  8.        Front-page headline on “Cosmopolitan” magazine:   “EXCITING NEW BURQAS TO DRIVE HIM WILD!”

 7.         McDonalds  introduces espresso beverage:   Bani Sadr Tabriz Truffle

6.        For six days now, callers to Tel Aviv and Paris always get that creepy “busy circuit” buzz. 

5.          “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive?”   — Supreme Leader Ali Khameni    (That vain Supreme Leader!   For the photo shoot, his robes were clearly more form fitting.)

 4.         Most popular baby names in the USA, 2021: ”Liam” and ”Olivia”

 Most popular baby names in the USA, 2022:  “Abdul-Fazi” and “Nazanin-Sahra” 

3.         The good news:   Finally, a woman appears on the $20 bill.           

 The bad news:   Thanks to the hijab, we can’t tell who she is. 

2.         “The Tonight Show’s” Jimmy Fallon goes on vacation.    

Guest host:    former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  

And…. the #1 way Joseph Biden, Kamala and Antony Blinken can tell if Iran is cheating on the nuclear agreement they are planning : 

1.           At the 7th inning stretch in Dodger Stadium, public address announcer intones:                  “Gentlemen, please rise and remove your turbans, as we chant “Death to the Giants.”

****

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the ”Top Ten” for free, please visit www.gipperten.com . Then, complete the ”subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2022 by scrolling back. Enjoy!

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10.  What inflation?

 9.  Ask your question in a Freedom of Information Act request, and we’ll respond in Biden’s second term.  Guaranteed.

 8.  What exactly does your question have to do with “equity?”

  7.  That is a question better posed to Prime Minister Xavier Bettel, of the Grand Duchy of  Luxembourg.

  6.   Our president is indeed standing up for America, drawing a red line in the sands of Rehoboth Beach,

Delaware.

  5.    This administration is ready to ship billions to Iran once again…   Naturally, we don’t have a precise amount for you, at this time.

  4.   It would not be accurate to say that the Biden family has amassed $40 million through the President’s service in government.    Next question to MSNBC.

  3. Vice President Kamala is happy to take your questions.   Please submit them, in writing, in triplicate, to her Naval Observatory address.

  2.  The President is well aware of the difference between a trillion and a gazillion.

…and the NUMBER ONE JEN PSAKI ALTERNATIVE to SAYING ‘WE’LL CIRCLE BACK to YOU’ is:

   1.    The President just won’t have time for a press briefing after the summit.   He’s scheduled to wash his hair plugs at that time.

*****

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2022 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  “Re-elect Biden-Harris” T-shirts for all.

 9.  Make it to Texas, US Homeland Security buys “BBQ Restaurant Week” special for all migrants.

 8.  Enter lottery to become next host of “Reliable Sources” on CNN.   (Ratings would surely improve).

 7.  Set off metal detector, get free massage from three sensitivity-trained agents

 6.  Claim discrimination against the rancher whose tractor you stole, win tractor.

 5.  Each week, three migrants (shoes required) get to compete on “The Bachelorette”

 4. Migrants randomly selected to meet with Kamala to discuss “root causes” of illegal migration (only by Zoom, of course).

 3.   Wade across Rio Grande, audit a “Dr. Jill” course, tuition-free.

 2.   Snap selfie at the border wall, get TV shout out from Jen Psaki.

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT AVAILABLE to ILLEGAL MIGRANTS at the BORDER is…

1. On midnight flights to secret airports, illegals with birthdays this month gets upgraded to business class.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2022 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  During deployment to NATO’s eastern frontier, ensure t​​hat American ​​

t​ransgender ​personnel​ have ​vital​ facilities, clothing and support.

 9. Negotiate furiously with the Kremlin for that Trump hotel tape​.​

 8.  Extend Federal Deposit Insurance to Hunter’s banking and brokerage accounts in Ukraine.

 7.  Uncover roots of the name “Psaki.”

 6.   Priority in training Ukrainian military: got to include Critical Race Theory.

  5.   Deal:  If Ukes repel invasion, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov must vacation at Disneyworld.

 4.     Fox News Channel’s Peter Doocey heads to Vladivostok, and the Stolychnaya recipe comes to the Biden family.

  3.    Get Vlad to stop development of his new “ultrasonic” missile…..   then, he gets to host Super Bowls 57 and 59 in Sochi.

 2.  All vehicles, aircraft and ships transporting  NATO troops must be certified carbon-neutral.

…and the NUMBER ONE JOSEPH BIDEN STRATEGIC GOAL in EASTERN EUROPE is…

 1.   In return for not expanding NATO, Vlad will introduce Hunter to five of Aeroflot’s prime flight attendants.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. Hurriedly call Delaware news conference, publicly destroying his 1970s VCR tape of “Dr. Zhivago.”

9. Instruct Jen Psaki to give “unsatisfactory” rating to Aeroflot Airlines on TripAdvisor.

8. Take that, Nordstream Pipeline!!      Plead with Ayatollah to increase Iran’s oil production.

7.  At official White House dinners, replace Stolichnya vodka with Cuba’s Havana Club rum and North Korean soju liquor…

6. Order an immediate, complete ban on imports of snazzy Russian sports cars.

5. “Unleash” Hunter, so he can score a fresh $6 million from the former mayor of Moscow.

4.   Ask Trump to “collude” with Vladimir, finally, for real.

3. Draw “red line” in the sand, this time on Rehoboth Beach.  

2.     Send more blankets and granola bars to Kyiv.

…and the NUMBER ONE “PUNISHING” SANCTION BEING CONSIDERED by JOSEPH BIDEN if RUSSIA INVADES UKRAINE is…

1. Tell Vladimir very directly that he’s being rude and selfish.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is not a source of real news. To catch up on previous Tops Tens, please visit www.gipperten.com . There, you can subscribe for free, and you can scroll back to catch up on all Top Tens posted, 2016-2022. Enjoy…

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH SEVEN COURSES ARE ACTUALLY BEING OFFERED THIS YEAR…. AND WHICH THREE WERE COMPLETELY MADE UP BY YOUR FAITHFUL EDITOR? READ ON…

(With thanks to Young America’s Foundation, which has catalogued the ridiculous courses below, as well as many others in all 50 states).

10.   Gender & Sexuality Studies 2613:  “Compulsory Couplehood.”   (Vanderbilt University)  Focus on the “marginalization of the single person.”

 9.   Social Work 7004:  “Human Diversity and Oppression.”  (Louisiana State University)   “Social dynamics of human oppression…” studying the effects of ableism, cissexism, heterosexism, racism, etc. and “implications of human oppression… for social work practice and social policy.”

 8.   African-American Studies 339-0-20:   “Unsettling Whiteness.” (Northwestern University)  How whiteness leads to “dominating and violating forms of… doing and ordering, that define, assemble and rule the worlds of white and non-white populations.”

 7.   Gender and Women’s Studies 446:  “Queer of Color Critique.” (University of Wisconsin at Madison)   Study the emergent theoretical “field of queer of color critique, a mode of analysis grounded in the struggles and world-making of LGBTQ people of color. …Articulate the role of queer of color analysis in a vision for racial, gender, sexual and economic justice.”

 6.   Global Studies 3724: “Howard Zinn, Dorothy Day and the Imperatives of Christian Analysis and Life.”  (University of Notre Dame).   “With guest lectures from the Theology Department, we will explore the liberating revelations of Marxist Howard Zinn and the works of Dorothy Day, as instructive pathways for the society of equity, shared resources and inclusion that the Apostles might have envisioned.”

 5.   Comparative Literature 104A:  “Voice. Dissent.  Resistance:  Antiracist and Antifascist Discourse and Action.”    (Stanford University)  The rise of right-wing movements in the United States and Europe signal a resurgence of nativist and ethno-nationalist politics.” “The goal will be to understand how those involved in anti-racist and anti-fascist struggles have invented, created and practiced discourses and actions that attempt to resist racism and fascism.”

 4.   Brookdale Center for Health Aging 557: “20^th Century Struggles of Transgender Elders.”  (Hunter College / C.U.N.Y.)  Identifies transgender leaders, including formerly closeted-heads of state and Fortune 100 corporations, and how they coped with their realities, usually hiding their true selves.  Due to censorship and otherism, this rich historiography has been suppressed from emerging until the 21^st century.”

 3.   Ethnic Studies 3630:  “Reproductive Justice.” (University of Utah) “…We will discuss the reproductive health and access of people across genders, sexualities, social class, and race/ ethnicity and immigration status.  We discuss past and ongoing reproductive oppression of communities of color, but we will also talk about the ways in which society can support pregnant people and parents.”

 2.   Criminal Justice 709: “Shifting Police Resources to Social Service Interventions.”     (University of Arizona).   Building on the consensus that more police action and paramilitary spending is making us less safe, students will explore how social workers, mental health counselors, and nutrition experts can substitute for police response to domestic violence, disturbances of the peace and other situations that we have over-militarized in the past.

…and the NUMBER ONE NUTTIEST COLLEGE COURSE OFFERED THUS FAR in 2022 is:

 1.Gender Studies 113:  “Sex Work.”  (UCLA)  “Analysis of variety of contemporary sex work both in U.S. and abroad, from a feminist perspective.  Examination of how race, class and gender alter experience and perception of erotic labor….”

(“Courses” numbered #6, #4 and #2 were created by your editor. All others are actual courses being taught in the universities listed.)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2022 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

(With thanks to the National Association of Scholars, which maintains a roster of those who have been “canceled” at American colleges and universities.)

Can you tell which three of these “Top Ten” items are pure fiction, and which seven are true?     See answers at bottom.  

10.  Professor of Astronomy at Syracuse University fired for telling class that the planet Venus was “named for the Greek goddess of love.”     A transgender student complained that he/she was made to feel “otherized” by this science lesson.   The professor’s contract was not renewed.

  9.  Professor of economics at Lehigh University created a video on “Three Myths About Poverty.”    He was removed from the university’s “You Tube” channel and denounced on social media. 

 8.  Instructor in East Asian Languages at City College of New York suspended for one semester for referring to Kim Jong-un as “a typical Commie” in response to a student’s question.

  7.   A Chinese-American student at Fordham University posed with a rifle and a “Don’t Tread on Me” slogan as a memorial to those slain in Tiananmen Square by the Chinese Communist government.  Student was “disallowed from entering campus without advance permission” ;  banned from participating in extra-curriculr activities; and required to complete “implicit bias training.”

  6.    The Chancellor of one campus of the University of North Carolina declined to fire a controversial (now dead) professor, and in response to promotions of Black Lives Matter, said that “all lives matter.”  He was officially censured by the UNCW Faculty Senate.

  5.   A Professor of Music and a Professor of Art at Skidmore College attended a “Back the Blue” rally, expressing support for police.  Petitions were circulated throughout the Skidmore campus, urging that both professors be fired.

  4.  At the Cornell University School of Law, a professor and director of a Law Clinic posted two articles on his blog, criticizing BLM.  A serious petition was circulated, demanding that the professor be fired.

  3. Antifa members and other radicals at Princeton University entered the dorm room of the vice chairwoman of the Young Americans for Freedom chapter on campus.  They removed her from the dorm and chained her to a makeshift stockade until early morning, when campus security discovered her dozing, with the word “Capitalist” painted on her sweatshirt.

  2.  At Boise State University in Idaho, a Professor of political science “criticized feminism” in one of his classes.   He was condemned in newspapers, and students organized protests against him on campus.

…and the NUMBER ONE “CANCELATION” at U. S. UNIVERSITIES and COLLEGES is…

1.At the University of Cincinnati, an Adjunct Professor of Mechanical Engineering was placed on administrative leave and then terminated for an e-mail to students in which he referred to COVID-19 as “the Chinese virus.”

      TOP TEN items numbered #10, 8 and 3 above were made up by your editor.    All others are true, as catalogued by the National Association of Scholars.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2022 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .