Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.    “She has returned nearly all of the furniture she stole from the White House in 2001.”   (Binghamton Journal American)

9.     “Her plans for Obamacare involve spending only triple today’s amounts, NOT quadruple.”

                                                                                                                                                                                        (Fort Worth Post-Intelligencer)

8.     “This time around, Mrs. Clinton has promised to charge reasonable rates when selling the Lincoln bedroom.”             

                                                                                                                                                                        (Atlanta Journal-American)

7.     “Claims that Secretary Clinton is often enraged, unhinged and foul-mouthed are &%$* untrue.”          

                                                                                                                                                                       (Seattle Globe)

6.      “Deleting 33,000 emails through acid scrubbing indicates a level of creativity we really need in our President.”          

                                                                                                                                                                       (Santa Fe Picayune)

5.      “Of course there is no way to pay for free tuition at all US public universities.   But every member of our editorial board has a kid in college.”

                                                                                                                                                                               (Ann Arbor Sun Times)

4.     “If elected, Hillary Clinton would offer a clear break from President Obama.   For example, she would call our terror foes “ISIS,” not “ISIL.”  

                                                                                                                                                                              (Rochester Herald-American)

3.     “As President, Mrs. Clinton has pledged to issue a daily ‘pay-to-play’ report to the American people.  For a fee, of course.”  

                                                                                                                                                                                 (Wall Street Republic)

2.     “If elected, Chicago-born, Boston-schooled Hillary can finally give up her bogus support for the New York Yankees.”            

                                                                                                                                                                                  (Boston Enquirer)

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCERPT from an EDITORIAL ENDORSING HILLARY CLINTON THIS MONTH:

1.     “Hillary was never the actual trigger-person in any of those suspicious deaths involving Clinton opponents.”                                                                                                                                                                                     (Staten Island Progress)

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10.   Tax-chugging Dracula costume with black cape and pale Mayor Bill DeBlasio mask

9.    (Your Choice:)  

           Bernie Sanders as Batman OR Bernie Sanders as the Joker Costume

            (Optional Batmobile:  1987 East German Trabant OR 1990 Yugo)

8.    Star Trek “Evil Queen” pants-suit, with matching Hillary Clinton mask

7.    White Physician’s Jacket, stethoscope, bow tie, and Barack Obama mask.

            (Choose: “You can Keep your Doctor” message OR “Your Premiums will go Down” message for back of white jacket)

6.     Lowest Cost costume of 2016:    

        The “Anthony Weiner” disguise.  

        $6 briefs are your only cost.   Bring your own I-phone .

5.    Harry Reid Angry Clown mask and jumpsuit

4.    Grinning Bill Clinton reading $500,000 speech while wearing chastity belt

3.     Nancy Pelosi “Confused Alien” mask

2.    Hillary Clinton pants suit, equipped with special belt offering credit card chip reader and old-fashioned money-changer

…and THE #1  MOST TRULY SCARY HALLOWEEN MASK of 2016 is:

1.   Al Franken

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10.   “MICRO-AGGRESSIONS DURING THE THIRD ICE AGE”

 9.    “CLIMATE CHANGE and  OCEANFRONT PROPERTIES OF THE OPPRESSED”

 8.    “FREE SPEECH AS AN INSTRUMENT OF MISOGNY”

 7.    “RETHINKING THE SOVIET MINDSET”

 6.    “PACIFIST STRATEGIES IN 1940s GERMANY, JAPAN and ITALY”

 5.    “THE BILL OF RIGHTS:   CHECKLIST for PRIVILEGE”

4.    “THE NEW CHALLENGE OF SEGREGATION: LAVATORIES, LOCKER ROOMS and the LEGACY of WESTERN GENDER IMPERIALISM”

3.    “SAFE SPACES THROUGH THE MILLENIA”

 2.    “THE SUSTAINABLE, EGALITARIAN ECONOMY” 

                                                      (e.g., Devil’s Island)

 …and the NUMBER ONE COURSE OFFERED TO IVY LEAGUE UNDERGRADUATES this FALL is:

 1.    “PROGRESSIVE CENTRAL PLANNING:  ALL THAT MATTERS is the DREAM”

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10.   Drink lots of high test coffee prior to debate.

9.    Make a big deal out of a perfectly legal tax deduction by your opponent’s running mate.

8.    Perfect that “What, me worry?” grin.

7.    The louder you are when interrupting, the more respect you will command.

6.    Navy Seals risked their lives to land in a Pakistani compound and hunt down Osama bin-Laden…

          But give all credit to a politician watching on TV in Washington.

5.    Decide prior to debate if you want to present a rabid image, or just a barkingly aggressive one.

4.    Downplay your running mate’s criminality.  

           (E-mails?   To whom?    Donations to which foundation, again, sir ?)

3.    Pretend not to hear these words:  “Benghazi,”  “pay-to-play,”  “server bleaching.”       

2.    Always refer to your partner / running mate by her first name only.

        Exemptions encouraged for Madonna, Beyonce and Cher, where applicable.

…and the NUMBER ONE TIM KAINE DEBATING POINTER is:

1.    Never stop talking, no matter what.

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10.   At local gas station, attendant tells  you:  “Dollars?”   We don’t take no stinkin’ dollars!!”

9.    Your drive-through ATM line clogged with burros, camels and Yugo convertibles.

8.    City Council of nearby Springfield votes 5-2 to change name to “East Murmansk.”

7.    Blue plate special at historic diner now involves animal-burning ritual on formica table tops.

6.    Your long-time neighbor owns a simple ranch house, but is now digging a moat for security.

5.    At local high school, English now a “foreign language” option.

4.    On Superbowl Sunday in your TV market, the big football game is second in ratings to “Cooking in Caves.”

3.    Nearby college track & field team replaces “pole vaulting” with “fence and wall jumping.”

2.     Daily newspaper cancels “Letters to the Editor” feature in favor of “Supplications to our Supreme Leader.”

…and the Number ONE Sign your Neighborhood COULD be Experiencing Excessive Illegal Immigration is:

1.       Newly-elected mayor in a quandary as to which of his four wives will be featured in his swearing-in ceremony.

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10.   On the voting line ahead of you are “Brad” AND “Angelina.”

 9.    More votes cast at your polling pace than total population of your town. **

 8.    Your state prevents prisoner balloting, but 20 voters in a row are shackled to each other at the ankles.

 7.    New York Times insists there is no election fraud.  **

 6.    Man in gorilla suit gets his ballot immediately, but you are questioned and frisked prior to voting.

 5.    At the nudist colony, carloads of angry, fully-clothed people show up to vote.

  4.    The Saudi royal family, wearing white robes in a discreet stretch limo, arrive to cast their ballots in Staten Island.

 3.    Entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys is enrolled at your polling place. **

 2.    Absentee ballots are in the mail to former Gov. Rod Blagojevich and Richard M. Nixon.

…and the NUMBER ONE way to Tell IF Your Area MAY be Experiencing Election Fraud is:

 1.    No one asks for your photo I.D. **

( ** – These dubious actions have actually taken place in recent years.)

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10.  Sir Edmund Hillary

 9.   Misogynist

 8.   Deplorable(s)

 7.   What difference does it make?

 6.  Honestly, to tell you the truth…

 5.   My achievements as your Secretary of State…

 4.   The little people…

 3.   All those jobs I created in upstate New York…

 2.   If you want to keep your doctor….

…and the NUMBER ONE REFERENCE HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD not UTTER DURING DEBATES is:

 1.   My loyal subjects!

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 10.   “WIKILEAKS REVEALS FOREIGN DONORS TO CANADIAN ENTITY LAUNDERING MONEY FOR CLINTON FOUNDATION”

   9.    “AS SENATOR REID PONDERS DEPARTURE FROM OFFICE, HE IS AT LOSS TO CITE ANY ACCOMPLISHMENTS”

    8.    “IN FIRST DEBATE, CLINTON FAILS TO DEFEND REVERSALS IN BENGHAZI, SYRIA AND IRAN”

     7.    “AS U.S. NATIONAL DEBT APPROACHES $20 TRILLION, NO CANDIDATE OR CONGRESSIONAL LEADER CAN EXPLAIN HOW ‘FREE’ PUBLIC COLLEGE TUITION AND EXPANSION OF OBAMACARE CAN BE FUNDED”

   6.      “FORMER PRESIDENT FOUND TO BE REGISTERED WITH AT LEAST SEVEN DATING WEBSITES”

    5.     “SENATOR KAINE, ROMAN CATHOLIC, ABANDONS CHURCH POSITION ON LIFE TO CONFORM WITH RUNNING MATE’S RIGID AGENDA”

     4.     “CLINTON DENIES CALLING FOR VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF U.S. GOVERNMENT IN HER 1969 WELLESLEY COLLEGE GRADUATION SPEECH”

      3.    “STUDIES CONFIRM PRIVATE FIREARMS POSSESSION LINKED TO REDUCTIONS IN CRIME”

       2.     “OBAMACARE FAILS TO FULFILL 93% OF PROMISES MADE BY PRESIDENT IN 2009”

     …and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE’LL NEVER SEE in the NEW YORK TIMES this AUTUMN is:

       1.     “MRS. CLINTON’S ENDURING SCANDALS HARMING FORTUNES OF DOWN-BALLOT DEMOCRAT CANDIDATES”

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10.  Incoming students will no longer be called “freshmen,” an oppressive male-oriented term.   Instead, they will be called “Future Masters of the Universe.”

9.  Scratch that.  “Masters” is gender-specific, too, darn it.    How about “Mistresses of the Universe?”

8.  No, “mistresses” is out too.   How about a plain and simple:  “Future Nobel Laureates?”

7.   Masculine “Dean” of Students is now “Adult Peer” of entitled youth .

6.   “Prince” -ton is a holdover from male domination and perhaps even misogyny.  Let’s try “Royalton” University.

5.    “Manhole covers” on campus will henceforth become “Human Egress /  Entrance Lids”  (“HEELs”).

4.    Archaic and oppressive gender-specific “Male” and “Female” bathrooms must have new signage offering “Temporary Safe Space.”

             ( Lavatories must not be limited to humans.  How can we anthropromorphise the entire Galaxy?)

3.  “Upper Classmen” terminology must be ended at Princeton / Royalton.    Please see numbers 10, 9, 8 above.

2.   The break from classes beginning around each December 20th will henceforth be known as the “Winter Solstice Respite,” avoiding controversial references to a male Deity.

…and the NUMBER ONE ENTRY IN THE NEW, REQUIRED, PRINCETON UNIVERSITY LEXICON GUIDE is:

1.   Offerings to be removed from Princeton / Royalton’s food and adult beverage menus:   “Po’ Boy,” “Shirley Temple,” the Queen Elizabeth, Oysters Rockefeller, the Longfellow,  the Bloody Mary and Tom Collins for starters.

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Enjoy and Happy Labor Day !