- Incoming students will no longer be called “freshmen,” an oppressive male-oriented term. Instead, they will be called “Future Masters of the Universe.”
- Scratch that. “Masters” is gender-specific, too, darn it. How about “Mistresses of the Universe?”
- No, “mistresses” is out too. How about a plain and simple: “Future Nobel Laureates?”
- Masculine “Dean” of Students is now “Adult Peer” of entitled youth .
- “Prince” -ton is a holdover from male domination and perhaps even misogyny. Let’s try “Royalton” University.
- “Manhole covers” on campus will henceforth become “Human Egress / Entrance Lids” (“HEELs”).
- Archaic and oppressive gender-specific “Male” and “Female” bathrooms must have new signage offering “Temporary Safe Space.”
( Lavatories must not be limited to humans. How can we anthropromorphise the entire Galaxy?)
- “Upper Classmen” terminology must be ended at Princeton / Royalton. Please see numbers 10, 9, 8 above.
- The break from classes beginning around each December 20th will henceforth be known as the “Winter Solstice Respite,” avoiding controversial references to a male Deity.
…and the NUMBER ONE ENTRY IN THE NEW, REQUIRED, PRINCETON UNIVERSITY LEXICON GUIDE is:
- Offerings to be removed from Princeton / Royalton’s food and adult beverage menus: “Po’ Boy,” “Shirley Temple,” the Queen Elizabeth, Oysters Rockefeller, the Longfellow, the Bloody Mary and Tom Collins for starters.
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Enjoy and Happy Labor Day !