10.       Bernie Sanders “resume,” 1961 – 1981.

9.        Fine cuisine and bimbo preferences of donors to the Clinton Foundation.

8.        Edward Snowden’s favorite Russian sports bars. 

7.     List of donors to NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio and his “advocacy” non-profit who really don’t want anything from City government!

6.       Revealing music video of Taylor Swift   (So sorry!  Our high school intern slipped this one in.)

5.       List of government-owned furniture and “gifts” hauled off by the Clintons as they departed the White House in 2001. 

4.       List of “gifts” hauled off by then-Virginia Governor Tim Kaine when departing the Governor’s mansion in 2010.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          3.    First class vacation plans of Solyndra executives departing with US government golden (“Thank you, Barack”) parachutes.

2.      Transcripts of sexting messages among White House “czars” and US Supreme Court Justices.

          …and the NUMBER ONE NEW HACKING PROJECT on the DRAWING BOARD at WIKILEAKS is:

1. Elizabeth Warren’s stirring narration for PBS’ yet-unreleased series, “Beauty Secrets of the Sandinista Women.”

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   . 10.    While serving as First Lady for eight years, Hillary never killed anyone personally.

•  9.  Only 5 years after being a teen Goldwater girl in 1964, Hillary was a Jimi Hendrix groupie at Woodstock.  

•   8.  Used every State Department and Clinton Foundation connection to achieve ground-breaking advances for gays.   Today, gays in Saudi Arabia may wear pink rope belts.

• 7.  On their 32nd date, Bill got fresh with Hillary, and she placed him in a violent headlock until he screamed “Uncle!”

•   6.  That never-released commencement speech at Wellesley College in 1969?   Her topic:  How corruption can become a viable business plan for you and your spouse.

                         “First, you set up a foundation…” began one of her paragraphs.

          5.    After one phone call, US Navy jets screaming across the Mediterranean were re-scrambled to pick up truffles and pasta sauce in Tuscany.

• 4.    After hearing about Monica Lewinsky, Hillary’s famed “lamp toss” at Bill’s head was clocked at 97 mph.

• 3.    Kim Jong-il requested that his  name be removed as a co-author of the infamous 1994 “Hillarycare” plan.

• 2.  Played at 120 decibels, Hillary’s cackling laugh can shock a-fib patients back into normal heart rhythm.

…and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING FACT ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON is:

.  1.    During election years, Hillary claims she hunts for most of her own food !

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10.    Burning the American flag is protected “speech.” But burning the PLO flag could accelerate climate change.

9.     Women should be granted equal pay for comparable work, except for the State Department, the offices of US Senators from New York, and                                                                             the White House.

8.     To address income inequality, all privately owned swimming pools will henceforth be public.

                                                      (Hey! Check out this cannonball, Mr. Soros!)

7.     You have a human right to free health care, free college and free pants suits. 

6.     New Democrat Party “Path to Citizenship”:   land here illegally, you’re on the path.

       5.   Corporations must pay their fair share in taxes!!   Therefore, we must increase the world’s already-highest corporate tax rate.

       4.   “Micro-aggressions” now qualify Americans for Federal disability benefits.

3.   The Democrat Party’s top priority:   Gender Neutral Bathrooms:  our Final Frontier.   

2.    Of course we believe in the Second Amendment.  And under the new Hillary national gun registration, permits will be expedited by                                                                                                      Lois Lerner.

     …and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING but LITTLE KNOWN PLANK in the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL PLATFORM is:

1.    Free Hillary Now !!     (this plank passed just in case an arrest coincided with her acceptance speech).

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  10.    Look Mom, no handcuffs today.

    9.   That Clinton – Kaine headband really complements your mullet.

     8. Where is Raul Castro speaking ?  

     7.   Gluten-free, non-GMO, locally sourced organic vegan Hoagies!!  Get ’em right here!   

    6.  That’s a cool t-shirt.   Who’s McGovern?

    5.  What e-mails? Hillary’s or Wikileaks?

     4.  I took a “selfie” with Bill Clinton, and he hit on me!

      3.  Why are the Bernie delegates wearing orange jumpsuits and laughing??    

      2.  I am a delegate, a protester and a citizen of this galaxy.

 …and the NUMBER ONE PHRASE YOU can EXPECT to HEAR at the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION in PHILADELPHIA is: 

      1.   Yes, Lois Lerner certainly deserves to be DNC Chair.

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 TOP TEN QUALITIES that RECOMMEND SOMEONE to be a VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE:

10.  The ability to say:  “That’s old news!” …even in one’s sleep.

9.    Able to focus the most fawning, adoring gaze toward the presidential nominee at public events (think Katharine Hepburn glancing at Spencer Tracy)…

8.    Willingness to abandon core beliefs, not excluding support for any three of the first Ten Amendments.

7.     Look like a plausible real-life president, just in case the boss is dragged off to prison during your term.

6.     Comfort level with president’s children and grandchildren, for easy segue into vice presidential baby-sitting assignments.

5.      The somber facial expression of the successful undertaker is fine-tuned for the VP’s most important diplomatic mission:  showing up for photo ops at foreign                 state funerals.

4.       Vocalizing “Of course the president is correct,” with a bit more enthusiasm each day.

3.       The ability to say something nice about a pantsuit or a red tie each day.  

2.        Intellectually and politically experienced enough to chair that critical “Blue Ribbon Vice Presidential Commission on…..on…”

                                             What, again, was that urgent issue we don’t have the guts to fix??

    …and the NUMBER ONE QUALITY THAT RECOMMENDS SOMEONE to be a VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE is:

     1.         Ability to hand wash the Presidential stretch limo, including wheel rims, in under 11 minutes.

                                                                Extra time allotted for vacuuming.

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10.       Wow, it’s hotter here in Phoenix than during my Paula Jones deposition.

9.      Personally, I think a new president should consider keeping the incumbent attorney general in her Cabinet.

8.        Your grandchildren are so cute.  What a shame if they were to grow up during a Trump administration.

7.        Your grandchildren are so cute.    What a shame that both of their grandfathers are felons.

6.       I am hearing more talk of a Clinton – Lynch ticket

5. .      This private jet is cool.   Do the beds have that massage feature??

4.        Got any gum?

3.        Of course I am grateful that you appointed me the US Attorney for Brooklyn. But I’m not grateful in that way, sir.

2.        With guidance, that Comey guy is gonna be alright.

  … and the NUMBER ONE POINT OF DISCUSSION DURING that BILL CLINTON – LORETTA LYNCH PRIVATE-JET-on-the-TARMAC MEETING :

1.         I haven’t been practicing law for a while.   Is sexting illegal ?

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10.    Reading Clinton Cash by Peter Schweizer at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

9.     After just one beverage, keeps saying “This is a big *&$%@ deal” to resort wait staff.

8.     Considering request from the Marx Brothers Foundation to house his Vice Presidential papers.

7.      Firing a shotgun from his back porch for fun, as he advised the other year.

6.     Calling random delegates to the Democrat National Convention to ask, “Now if a presidential candidate were to be indicted…..   Just saying, hypothetically…”

5.      Flipping sprinkler system “on” as President enters Rose Garden.

4.      Checking latest surveys to see what polls best: a. income tax hikes, b. ground troops in the middle east, c. Hillary’s plan to import many more migrants to the US,             or d.  “Bidencare.”

3.      Allows “double shirtless” photo to be taken of himself with Vladimir Putin, both sunbathing at undisclosed Black Sea location.

2.      Meets with focus groups to determine which fellow Democrat he should call   “…articulate, bright and clean and a nice guy”  this year.

…and the NUMBER ONE JOE BIDEN FUN ACTIVITY on SUMMER VACATION THIS YEAR is:

1.    Keeps practicing how to say “They wants to keep y’all in chains” in a southern accent.

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10. Hey, it’s worked for Fidel and Raul so far. 

9. The people, they watch the beisbol, they are happy. 

8. No lights in polling places due to rationed electricity.

     7.  Give them elections, and soon the people demand bread and toilet paper.

     6. A supreme leader is judged not merely by votes, but by his uniform.

5. Need to wait for enough Russian sailors to arrive and vote for Maduro.

4. Hate election fraud?     Problem solved!

           No elections.

      3.  OK, here is your election choice:

             Nicolas Maduro, Si    vs.

             Nicolas Maduro, Yes 

2. Unlike Secretary Clinton, Maduro’s opponents can’t run for president from prison.

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE for CANCELLING a PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION in VENEZUELA :

1. Elections never go well for incumbent during food riots.

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10.  Pantsuit.

  9.  PantsOnFire.

  8.  NotBernie.

  7.  YooHooComey.

  6.  Big-Gov.

  5.   BlameTheVideo.

  4.   TheUnindicted.

  3.   LincolnBedroom.

  2.   OrangeIsTheNewBlack   (jumpsuit).

and the NUMBER ONE NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME for HILLARY CLINTON is:

   1.   ThatCackle!

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10.    Russian disinformation produces fake video “showing” a grinning Joe Biden beating up Angela Merkel and David Cameron.

9.     July’s All-Star game telecast replaces play-by-play icon Vin Scully with Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.

8.      Russian MIGs buzz Marine One returning from Camp David, just to show they can.

7.      That preserved corpse of Lenin ?      Mysteriously on display in the US Senate rotunda.

6.      On Circle Line cruises around Manhattan, Prime Minister Medvedev points out all the Russian skyscrapers, bridges, landmarks & marine life.

5.       Russians appear to withdraw military units from Crimea.    “Just kidding,” Putin laughs the next day.

4.        Every day until January 19th, “soup of the day” at the White House Mess is borscht.

3.        Hourly shuttles connecting DC, New York and Boston operated entirely by Aeroflot.

2.        Slipped into new US Postal Service “National Parks” campaign:  a colorful “Visit the Kremlin” stamp. 

…and the NUMBER ONE VLADIMIR PUTIN PRANK to be COMPLETED by JANUARY 20, 2017:

1.       Fourth race at Hialeah features a strangely familiar jockey, riding shirtless.

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