Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.   He looks sort of normal next to Bill deBlasio.

  9.   As Governor:  He’s chasing away upstate New Yorkers.

           As President:  “Hello, Dustbowl!” 

 8.   Foreign Policy?  I can see Canada from my mansion.

 7.  The charm of Spitzer without the black socks or a fistful of fifties.

  6.  He’s young, he’s fresh, and no one can stand him.

  5.  A 9% state income tax rate is just a healthy incentive to work harder.

  4.   A disarmed citizenry makes for loyal subjects.

  3.   He loves cars….  just not companies that make them.

  2.   Debates are so overrated.

 ...and the NUMBER ONE SLOGAN for NY GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO’S 2020 PRESIDENTIAL RUN is:

 1.    Cuomocare means you can keep your doctor.

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  10.  “Kiss me if you require sanctuary.”  

  9.  “My husband made millions thanks to special legislation I pushed through Congress, but all I got was this lousy tattoo.”    

  8.   “No, I didn’t read this latest bill, either.”    

 7.  “Thank goodness we finally elected a woman.”   (Tattoo drawn November 2, 2016)    

 6.    “Taxes are so-o-o misunderstood.”    

 5.   “What national debt?”    

 4.  “Blame America first.”   (Tattoo created while customer under general anesthesia in Provo, Utah tattoo shop).    

 3.   “You can keep your doctor.”    

 2.  “Press here to relax my artificially tightened facial muscles.”  

   …and the NUMBER ONE MESSAGE TO BE TATTOOED ON NANCY PELOSI’S FOREHEAD  is :    

 1.   “Yes, there actually is a Mr. Pelosi.”  

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10.    That blonde guy from “The Apprentice” might be serious.

 9.     Call Dennis Rodman right now for me.

 8.      It was such a romantic evening.   We watched movie after movie about the Supreme Leader’s father, Kim Jong-Un.

 7.     That’s not a haircut.   THIS is a haircut!

 6.    For the ​big​ endorsement, would ​Elizabeth​ come here, or would I drop by C​ambridge​ ?

 5.    We can ​solve ​income equality if the prisoners just work harder.

 4.    How many more of my uncles are still alive?

 3.    The Communist Party Central Committee gave 97.6% of its votes to the Supreme Leader.    Those are San Francisco-type ​election ​numbers, baby.

 2.   You mean we test ICBM missiles WITHOUT counter-revolutionaries in them?

… and the NUMBER ONE COMMUNICATION INTERCEPTED THIS WEEK from PYONG YANG, NORTH KOREA is:

 1.    This whole showdown will blow over as soon as we ​denounce​ global warming and endorse a bathroom bill.

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10.  If you worry about whether the “Safe-Space” at your college is hyphenated or not.

 9.  You organized a protest against “non-sustainable” coffee service in the campus cafeteria.

 8.  You won’t ever get your “Bernie” tattoo removed.

 7.   Misogyny and sexual assault are horrible and must be punished severely, EXCEPT for Bill Clinton and selected Democrats.

  6.  “It’s just not possible” that “Women’s March” keynote speaker Angela Davis has a hard-line Communist Party USA history.

  5.   “That guy” in the ROTC uniform just freaked you out…   and for two long semesters now!!

  4.  “Conversion therapy” is fine — as long as it only applies to conservatives

  3,   You pause for over 30 minutes before deciding on the “correct” rest room to enter.

   2.    Any campus speaker not having endorsed Bernie or Hillary must be accused of hate speech.

…and the NUMBER ONE to TELL for SURE THAT YOU are a SNOWFLAKE is:

  1.    What do you mean, we can’t buy pot with Food Stamps?

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10.  ” We have ‘re-accommodated’ a maximum of taxpayer victims this year.”

              –  (still unimpeached) IRS Commissioner John Koskinen

 9.    “The aquatic creatures in the Sea of Japan have been ‘re-accommodated’ through missiles of liberation from the

                                         People’s Republic of North Korea.”

                                                          – Supreme Leader Kim Jong–un

 8.    “In the event of a power outage this summer, we will do our best to ‘re-accommodate’ our clients.”

                                                    – “Sparky” McMullen,  Director of Executions, State of Oklahoma

 7.    The former Bruce Jenner was “re-accommodated” by his Los Angeles surgeons today.

 6.   “The Crimean people have been completely ‘re-accommodated’ to their Soviet, I mean Russian, roots.”

                                                              – Vladimir Putin 

 5.    “Those young ladies were a bit groggy, and somebody needed to ‘re-accommodate’ them.”

                                                                 -Bill Cosby

 4.    “It doesn’t matter that Judge Gorsuch is the finest Constitutional scholar around. He needs to be ‘re-accommodated.’”          

                                                                -Sen. Charles Schumer

 3.      “All of us at Middlebury College were happy to ‘re-accommodate’ Dr. Charles Murray when his presence became just too overwhelming.”

​ 2.     “That’s not my hand in your pocket.   I am just ‘re-accommodating’ your paycheck.”

                                                            – NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio​

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY THAT ALL SORTS of PEOPLE MIGHT be “RE-ACCOMMODATED” is: 

 1. “We are always pleased to be able to ‘re-accommodate’ our Israeli neighbors.”

                                                          -Hamas Missile Technician

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10.    The massage therapist here charges ?

9.     As per our union contract, it’s my damn right  to microwave fish here.

8.    Sir, pants are almost always part of a  teacher’s dress code.

7.     Do I still have tenure?

 6.  What comes after the number “8?”

5.   Why do they call it a “rubber” room, if there’s so much fine Corinthian leather in these chairs?

4.   You mean I won’t get raise here this year?

3.  Could you change that channel to Maury Povich?

 2.  Where’s the VIP parking?

 …and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD AMONG “MISBEHAVING” TEACHERS SENT to the NYC DEPARTMENT of EDUCATION’s ‘RUBBER ROOM” is:

 1.    Honestly, you would have thought she was at least 20.

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10.   “Who knew that Steve Bannon was into yoga?

 9.     “No loitering in Trump Tower, Mr. Schumer.   Move along, please.”

  8.    “Radical Islamic terrorism. Radical Islamic terrorism.   Say it again, Joe Biden.   Just say it, Mr. Clapper.”                                                                                                                                             (spoken into the hidden floral arrangement microphone)

 7.     “Wow, Trump Tower uses a lot less energy than my Tennessee compound.”     –-Al Gore

  6.     “No, m’am. Only one former President had a ‘clothing optional’ policy for the Oval Office.”

  5.     “Put your checkbook away.   You can stay in the Lincoln bedroom for free.”

  4.     “They’re upset because all those hacked Hillary e-mails are TRUE?”

   3.     “Ignore the door bell. It’s just their Head Clown once more.”

   2.      “Maybe we could live in Queens again.”

…and the NUMBER ONE AUDIO COMMENT SWEPT UP DURING “INTELLIGENCE” EAVESDROPPING of the WHITE HOUSE and TRUMP CAMPAIGN is:

   1.       “Let’s head into the Cabinet room and say hi to Vladimir Putin.…    April Fool!”

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10.  Rumors swept through campus that rifle-toting hunters were sighted elsewhere in Vermont, creating ​entirely predictable turmoil among sensitive (snowflake) students.

9.  If Charles Murray is allowed to speak on a campus, what’s next?   An Israeli?   A capitalist?

8.  A paucity of “Safe Spaces” on campus compelled emotionally fragile protesters to find solace in the auditorium.

           Then, presto: ​ Dr. Murray ​showed up​!

7.   Students were hoping for extra credit in Phys-Ed classes by beating down an innocent Middlebury professor.

    ​6.   “We college administrators have no moral right to govern.”  **

5.   Was that Charles Murray, Andy Murray or Arthur Murray we were chasing?

4. Availability of rice pudding on Middlebury meal plan led to uncontrollable “sugar highs” for

                      ​already excitable students. 

5. In a truly “living” Constitution, the First Amendment ​must evolve to accommodate the rights of rioters.

2. This whole thing would never have happened if he was married to Senator Patty Murray.

​

…and the NUMBER ONE PRELIMINARY FINDING BY MIDDLEBURY COLLEGE ADMINISTRATORS is…

   ​

1.​The punishment for all those charged with violence and shouting down Dr. Murray will be “time served”  (that is, attending classes at Middlebury!!).​

                     **  (Actually stated by another Vermont college president, Edward J. Bloustein of Bennington College, in the 1970s.   Bloustein went on to become president                                 of the Rutgers system in NJ).​

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