Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.   Deep hatred for Milwaukee Brewers led her to avoid Wisconsin for eight months.

  9.  “Back up, you creep” actually her favorite welcome greeting for returning husband.

 8.    Hillary pondered accepting endorsement from Kim Jong-un, but he would only fly as far as Guam.

 7.   “Delete now, you creep,” she said to John Podesta, after hacked emails revealed what he really thought of her.

 6.   Transfer of American uranium assets to Putin did not gain expected support from Vladimir, but did get her 50, 000 free Aeroflot miles.

 5.   Bernie Sanders complimented​ the snug fit of​  her pants suit after their second debate.

 4.   She had no idea why Michigan crowds were offering that hand gesture, as she toured around in a Toyota Land Cruiser.

 3.  Sending a subtle spousal message, Hillary urged President Obama to pardon all women convicted of shooting their cheating husbands.

 2.   By mid-November, she realized that some people hate taxes more than inequality.

…and the NUMBER ONE OVERLOOKED COMMENT from HILLARY’S NEW BOOK, “WHAT HAPPENED?” is…

 1.    ​Yes, she used her private e-mail over 30,000 times to conduct Federal business, then scrubbed them with acid to prevent scrutiny.   On the other hand, she used her government computer to play “Mortal Kombat.”​

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10.   You meet the neighbor’s 46 year old daughter, “Sloopy.”

 9.    He asks you for a push to jump start his 1963 Volkswagen micro-bus (the one with bumperstickers touting “NORML” ​ and​ “McGovern-Shriver,” alongside “Hope and Change.”)

 8.    He’s never washed his lucky rainbow headband from 1969.

 7.     He’s been living with ​ “Brandi​” Hendrix since meeting in the mud at Woodstock.   Ever the traditionalists, they plan to marry once the children have passed away.

 6.     Both partners ran as “Bernie” delegates last year.

 5.    He will never read another newspaper until they end that darn war in Vietnam.

 4.    He gets the giggles and the munchies simultaneously at his job interview.    ​But still got hired at the “Imagine” Bookstore.

 3.    Wears Birkenstocks actually autographed by Country Joe in 1969.

 2.     You tried those brownies baked by ​Brandi​ and the next morning, called in your first “mental health” day.

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY to TELL THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR has NEVER REALLY GOTTEN OVER the WOODSTOCK MUSIC FESTIVAL is…

 1.      His one necktie is a tie-dye.

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10.   Do not humiliate ​people like Senator Susan Collins or former President Obama JUST for holding extreme right-wing views.

  9.   Remember that criticisms of Commandante Maduro and “President” Castro are attacks on all Spanish-speakers…

   8.   Be aware that raising your eyebrows or staring may be instruments of microaggression.

   7.    Remember that your classmate may identify as one gender in school, and choose another in nearby Washington Square Park.   To ​verbally remark on this is       prima facie bullying ​ (and, yes, microaggression)​.

   6.    Be ready to recite the meaning of the new acronym LGBTQIAGNC.   To be ignorant of this is the equivalent of not knowing ​about​ Martin Luther King Jr. or           Susan B. Anthony.

​ 

   5.     Any references to William Shakespeare, Louis Pasteur, Albert Einstein, William Roentgen, St. Augustine and Leonardo da Vinci will lead to mandatory                 counseling about reversing oppression by white males.

​    4.      Simply looking like Mitt or Ann Romney is a microaggression.

    3.     If you believe that you “may” have committed a microaggression, report immediately to the New School’s Vice President for Diversity so that interrogation          and re-education may commence.

    2.   Any reference to “Police”  on campus must include the proper “racist” adjective, even when discussing non-white officers.

…and the NUMBER ONE “THING YOU SHOULD KNOW” ABOUT the NEW ‘MICROAGGRESSION POLICY” at the NEW SCHOOL in GREENWICH VILLAGE is:

  1.   Be aware of the privilege you are endowed with as a cisgender person….

For fun, why not take a look at the actual policy of The New School regarding microaggressions?    You may conclude that the real thing is more absurd than my attempts at humorous fiction above.  Search for:  “The New School’s new policy on microaggressions,” or log on to:   www.newschool.edu/student-health-services/anti-violence/micro-aggression/  .

To subscribe for free to “Your Weekly American Top Ten list,”  please log on to  www.gipperten.com .    Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.    While on the site,  you can scroll back to catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016 and 2017.   Enjoy!

10.    “Lady, do you have any idea who the #%&@ I am?”

                                         –A. Scarmucci (to several recipients)

 9.   “White House?   So sorry.  This translator in Pyong Yang.   We meant to dial Dennis Rodman.”

 8.   “This is the Camp David security desk.   Is the Schumer Family Reunion really allowed in here?

 7.   “Yes, the top job at Homeland Security is still open.   But you’ll have to apply on-line like everybody else, Mr. Stephanopoulos.”

 6.  “This is Jim Acosta at CNN.   So a Muslim, a Mexican and a media guy walk in to a bar….”

 5.     “Yes, that’s correct.   Forty-six anchovie pies to Senator Mc Connell’s office, rush job.”

                                              –Three unrecognizable voices, laughing.  Call traced to Caucus Room of the Senate Minority.

 4.    “Please inform Mr. Bannon that he is late for his “zumba” class.”

 3,    “What are y’all wearin’, darlin’?”

                      –Raspy-voiced male in Chappaqua, NY calling to “Jasmine” in the Georgetown dorms.

 2.   “If I leave Congress next year, can I get a deal on a ‘Trump Steaks’ franchise?”

…and the NUMBER ONE UNREPORTED EXCERPT from PHONE CONVERSATION TRANSCRIPTS in WASHINGTON, D.C. THIS WEEK is:

 1,    “Jim Comey lost HOW much at the Trump Taj Mahal slots?”

To subscribe for free to “Your Weekly American Top Ten list,” please log on to  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete, the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site, you can scroll back to catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016 and 2017.    Enjoy !

10.     While watching this movie, please be sure to keep the A/C above 8​4 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s 29 degrees Celsius).

 9.        I agree, Mr. Gore.   That white coat makes you seem so truly….    scientific!”

  8.      No, I wouldn’t really call this ​mah ​“private” jet.   In fact, I brought Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo with me​ here​ to ​St. Tropez.  

                                                                                                                                        — ​VP Al Gore

  7.        Is it true that your Nashville ​estate use​s​ more electricity than the Grand Old Opry and Disneyland combined?

  6.      So, natural gas is good, but fracking is bad?

  5.      That iceberg was pretty solid until you landed 3,000 environmentalists on top of it.

  4.     ​ So that’s really why you split up?   Tipper owns four polar bear coats?

   3.    The official sponsor of this film is Vladimir Putin’s “Gazprom” energy company.

   2.      But wouldn’t global warming mean an extension of bikini season?   – –  Bill Clinton

and the NUMBER ONE RECORDED COMMENT LEFT on the FLOOR WHILE EDITING AL GORE’S “AN INCONVENIENT SEQUEL” is:

   1.      Well, Al, I kind of like the idea of growing mangoes right here on Greenland.

To subscribe for free to “Your Weekly American Top Ten list,” please log on to  www.gipperten.com .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes, and submit.     While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens’ from 2016 and 2017.    Enjoy!

10.   Look, ​Hurricane Sandy was only​ four-and-a-half yea​rs ago.

 9.    What do you expect for ​just ​$​18​ billion a year?

 8.    “Don’t blame me, I only have six votes on the MTA Board.”  

                          — NY Governor Andrew Cuomo

 7.    “Don’t look at me, I only have four votes on the MTA Board.”  

                      — NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio

 6.    Define “late” for me in 2017.

5.    Wait here.   A social worker will be assigned to you so you can cope with not getting to work.

 4.     We can’t afford to repair those tracks!  How will we pay a retired subway ​car ​cleaner his $100,000 pension each year ?

​ 3.     If we could only charge rent to the homeless guys who live down there.

  2.    Relax and wait for winter 2020.

 …and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE for the “SUMMER of PAIN” in the METROPOLITAN TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY’S SUBWAYS and COMMUTER TRAINS is:

 1.   Let me check with the Chief Diversity Officer to see why that train was cancelled.

To subscribe for free to “Your Weekly American Top Ten list,” log on to  www.gipperten.com .    Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.     While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016 and 2017.    Enjoy.

10.  The bathrooms are gender specific?   I am so out of here.

  9.  Senator Warren, if we pass a single payer health plan, will that cover my botox and tummy tucks?

   8.   No, I would not consider housing foreign migrants in my servants’ quarters.  The nerve.

   7.  So if I max out for you, Kamala, you’d want to build public housing here in Southampton?

    6.  Wow, Food Stamps won’t pay for lobster tail ?

    5.  Of course I know poor people personally.    Why, there’s the mayor right over there.

    4.   Governor Cuomo, how egalitarian of you to take mass transit here.     Is that a state helicopter?

     3.  I hear that Hillary placed her “Deplorables” tattoo right next to her “Wisconsin” henna.

     2.  Let me get this straight, Senator Schumer.    If I donate $100,000 to your caucus, you’ll raise my taxes by $7 million?

and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD at RECEPTIONS this MONTH to BOOST “PROGRESSIVE” CAUSES at BILLIONAIRES’ MANSIONS is:

    1.   Sorry, President Clinton.    This is not a “suits optional” swimming pool.

To subscribe for free to “Your Weekly American Top Ten list,” please visit  www.gipperten.com  .   Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.   While on the site, you can scroll back to catch up on previous “Top Tens’ from 2016 and 2017.    Enjoy!

10.    “The European Union is here to help you,”   interactive seminar.  (“Incorrect” responses prompt electric shocks delivered to offending participants.)

  9.    “Hot Yoga” ​(​with Zumba​ supplement)​, led by Angela, Donald and Theresa

  8.   “How to differentiate between a rioter, an MSNBC reporter, NYC Mayor De Blasio, a small nation​‘s​ foreign minister and that guy in the chicken suit.”  

             — with Chris Mathews moderating

  7.    “Economics in One Lesson,” with Prof. Larry Kudlow    (Prerequisite: support for any of the following three policies:  

           a. Single-payer health schemes

           b. Income tax rates above 30%

           c. Price controls on any goods or services  ) 

   6.      One-on-one “tours” of Hamburg’s stimulating “Reeperbahn” red light district

   5.     “Creative Surrender”  (a pacifist’s guide to co-existing with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un)      Professor Jeremy Corbyn lecturing

   4.      “Here I am, my Loyal  World Subjects”   —  prepared 75-minute address by NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio

    3.     “How to Mask Your Appearance with Black Fabric”      (-increasingly valuable as voter approval ratings decline)

    2.     Foreign Language Instruction…   Options:  Russian -or-  Korean (northern dialect)

…and the NUMBER ONE “OFF AGENDA” ACTIVITY at the G-20 SUMMIT in HAMBURG is:

     1.     “Water Cannon Target Practice”   (Heads of State only)

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Your devoted editor is in the hospital, recovering from emergency gall bladder surgery.

So please excuse the absence of “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” this week.

While you are on this site, why not catch up on previous “Top Tens” from 2016 and 2017?

Let us pause to reflect on Independence Day and the inspired confluence of such great minds who came to create our Declaration of Independence.

And let us thank those remarkable minds who framed our Constitution and so many more who have taken up arms to safeguard these sacred institutions that have guaranteed our freedom for over 200 years.

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10. Did Vladimir Putin pay for that monogrammed ultra-soft terrycloth bathrobe from Trump Hotels?

9.    How the heck did Russia get down to a flat 13% income tax so quickly?   Collusion with Heritage Foundation?

8.   Why is that guy in the cossack hat swimming in the White House pool?

7.   How did Russia corner the market on American uranium if Hillary was guarding our interests so carefully?

6.    Prior to accessing Air Force One, how many Aeroflot Frequent Flier miles did Trump family members earn?

5.   Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak is being recalled to Moscow.   Is there a “Trump Steaks” franchise in that city he could be running soon?   

4.   Borscht has been served three times in the White House mess since January.   Coincidence?

3.  Why were Russian hackers diverted to the DNC e-mail system when they were only seeking free cable?

2.   Security chief at the main driveway to the White House bears uncanny resemblance to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.

…and the NUMBER ONE “RUSSIA ALLEGATION” to be INVESTIGATED BY ROBERT MUELLER and STAFF:

1.  If time share owners at  “Stoli Towers” in Sochi on the Black Sea included Loretta Lynch, Joe Biden, John Niskanen, Susan Rice, Lois Lerner and James Clapper….                     …..would that be wrong?

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While on the site, you can catch up on previous “Top Tens’ from 2016 and 2017.   Enjoy !