Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.   On the voting line ahead of you are “Brad” AND “Angelina.”

 9.    More votes cast at your polling pace than total population of your town. **

 8.    Your state prevents prisoner balloting, but 20 voters in a row are shackled to each other at the ankles.

 7.    New York Times insists there is no election fraud.  **

 6.    Man in gorilla suit gets his ballot immediately, but you are questioned and frisked prior to voting.

 5.    At the nudist colony, carloads of angry, fully-clothed people show up to vote.

  4.    The Saudi royal family, wearing white robes in a discreet stretch limo, arrive to cast their ballots in Staten Island.

 3.    Entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys is enrolled at your polling place. **

 2.    Absentee ballots are in the mail to former Gov. Rod Blagojevich and Richard M. Nixon.

…and the NUMBER ONE way to Tell IF Your Area MAY be Experiencing Election Fraud is:

 1.    No one asks for your photo I.D. **

( ** – These dubious actions have actually taken place in recent years.)

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10.  Sir Edmund Hillary

 9.   Misogynist

 8.   Deplorable(s)

 7.   What difference does it make?

 6.  Honestly, to tell you the truth…

 5.   My achievements as your Secretary of State…

 4.   The little people…

 3.   All those jobs I created in upstate New York…

 2.   If you want to keep your doctor….

…and the NUMBER ONE REFERENCE HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD not UTTER DURING DEBATES is:

 1.   My loyal subjects!

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 10.   “WIKILEAKS REVEALS FOREIGN DONORS TO CANADIAN ENTITY LAUNDERING MONEY FOR CLINTON FOUNDATION”

   9.    “AS SENATOR REID PONDERS DEPARTURE FROM OFFICE, HE IS AT LOSS TO CITE ANY ACCOMPLISHMENTS”

    8.    “IN FIRST DEBATE, CLINTON FAILS TO DEFEND REVERSALS IN BENGHAZI, SYRIA AND IRAN”

     7.    “AS U.S. NATIONAL DEBT APPROACHES $20 TRILLION, NO CANDIDATE OR CONGRESSIONAL LEADER CAN EXPLAIN HOW ‘FREE’ PUBLIC COLLEGE TUITION AND EXPANSION OF OBAMACARE CAN BE FUNDED”

   6.      “FORMER PRESIDENT FOUND TO BE REGISTERED WITH AT LEAST SEVEN DATING WEBSITES”

    5.     “SENATOR KAINE, ROMAN CATHOLIC, ABANDONS CHURCH POSITION ON LIFE TO CONFORM WITH RUNNING MATE’S RIGID AGENDA”

     4.     “CLINTON DENIES CALLING FOR VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF U.S. GOVERNMENT IN HER 1969 WELLESLEY COLLEGE GRADUATION SPEECH”

      3.    “STUDIES CONFIRM PRIVATE FIREARMS POSSESSION LINKED TO REDUCTIONS IN CRIME”

       2.     “OBAMACARE FAILS TO FULFILL 93% OF PROMISES MADE BY PRESIDENT IN 2009”

     …and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE WE’LL NEVER SEE in the NEW YORK TIMES this AUTUMN is:

       1.     “MRS. CLINTON’S ENDURING SCANDALS HARMING FORTUNES OF DOWN-BALLOT DEMOCRAT CANDIDATES”

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10.  Incoming students will no longer be called “freshmen,” an oppressive male-oriented term.   Instead, they will be called “Future Masters of the Universe.”

9.  Scratch that.  “Masters” is gender-specific, too, darn it.    How about “Mistresses of the Universe?”

8.  No, “mistresses” is out too.   How about a plain and simple:  “Future Nobel Laureates?”

7.   Masculine “Dean” of Students is now “Adult Peer” of entitled youth .

6.   “Prince” -ton is a holdover from male domination and perhaps even misogyny.  Let’s try “Royalton” University.

5.    “Manhole covers” on campus will henceforth become “Human Egress /  Entrance Lids”  (“HEELs”).

4.    Archaic and oppressive gender-specific “Male” and “Female” bathrooms must have new signage offering “Temporary Safe Space.”

             ( Lavatories must not be limited to humans.  How can we anthropromorphise the entire Galaxy?)

3.  “Upper Classmen” terminology must be ended at Princeton / Royalton.    Please see numbers 10, 9, 8 above.

2.   The break from classes beginning around each December 20th will henceforth be known as the “Winter Solstice Respite,” avoiding controversial references to a male Deity.

…and the NUMBER ONE ENTRY IN THE NEW, REQUIRED, PRINCETON UNIVERSITY LEXICON GUIDE is:

1.   Offerings to be removed from Princeton / Royalton’s food and adult beverage menus:   “Po’ Boy,” “Shirley Temple,” the Queen Elizabeth, Oysters Rockefeller, the Longfellow,  the Bloody Mary and Tom Collins for starters.

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Enjoy and Happy Labor Day !