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TOP TEN BILL CLINTON ACTIVITIES with NOTHING to do in a HILLARY WHITE HOUSE :

10.   Hiring new staff to manage speaking invitations from women’s colleges

9.   Daily mantra to his wife:  “Darlin’, y’know there’s never been an impeached President on the Supreme Court before.”

8.   Co-ed roller blade races down those long White House corridors.

7.   Tripling dollar amounts requested when making fund raising calls for Clinton Foundation.

6.   Texting lessons from Anthony Weiner, who’s down the hall in Huma’s conference room.

5.    Dialing up random heads of state to say:  “This is President Clinton.  You have 45 minutes to leave your country.”

4.   Searching for fun items he stashed in the Oval Office before departing in 2001.

3.   Playful leapfrog marathons at White House pool.

2.   Establishing new dress codes for interns.   Hint: it will involve Spandex.

 

AND the #1 BILL CLINTON ACTIVITY with NOTHING to do in a HILLARY WHITE HOUSE:

 

  1. Figuring out daily market rate to charge for Lincoln Bedroom sleepovers.
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TOP TEN ACHIEVEMENTS from PRESIDENT OBAMA’S “HISTORIC” CUBAN TRIP DIARY :

10.    Mr. Raul and I agreed on upgrading to “hourly rafts” for escapees from Cuba.

9.       Bringing back enough hand-rolled cigars for all the smoke-filled rooms in Chicago.    (You’re welcome, Rahm!)

8.       Glossy color photos of cop-killer Joanne Chesimard and mad bomber Guillermo Morales, relaxing on Cuban beaches.

7.        That photo of me in front of Che Guevara !    I’ll be on college dorm walls forever.

6.        Candy machines at new US Embassy replaced with guy selling healthful plantains.

5.         Nostalgic tour of ready-to-use missile silos built by that “regional power” based in Moscow.  (“Those aren’t pointed at the US, are they ?”, I asked

                           Mr. Raul.)

4.         Gift of Mr. Fidel bobble-head fits beautifully in the White House where that bust of Churchill used to be.

3.         Wow!!   I just show up and there are no political prisoners in Cuba !

2.         Mr. Raul will allow Christians to celebrate “Winter Solstice” this year.

…AND THE #1  ACHIEVEMENT from PRESIDENT OBAMA’s “HISTORIC” CUBAN TRIP DIARY is :

1.          Salsa dancing in Havana proved to be excellent practice for tango-striding in Argentina.

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TOP TEN BERNIE SANDERS IDEAS for “MORE FREE STUFF from the GOVERNMENT” :

  1.   Unlimited First Class air travel to Boulder, Berkeley, Woodstock, Ann

Arbor and Cambridge

 

  1.    Annual Superbowl admission   (Game  permanently moved to Utah

           Salt Flats).

 

  1.    Marijuana

 

  1.    That big chocolate brownie in the diner’s display case ?    Free.   (Related

             to #8 above).

 

  1.      Tattoos  (Feel the “Bern!”)   (All political tattoo messages require

             prior approval from new Dept. of Homeland Body Art in    

                 Washington.

 

  1.      Birkenstock shoes  (Job interview model)

 

  1.      Subscriptions to Cuba’s official government “Granma“

newspaper  (with no Cuban Internet, check those exciting job    

                  ads!)

 

  1.       Unlimited “vacations” at communes in Vermont and Oregon

 

  1.      Free tuition at private Bob Jones University (This is not a

                 misprint.   Bob Jones will be a very different place with 450,000   

                 students).

 

  1.      For the first 20 million migrants to cross in to the US, free lessons in

“Brooklyn-accented” (Bernie) English

 

  1.       Bib overalls (Job interview model)

 

 

 

…and the # 1 BERNIE SANDERS IDEA for “MORE FREE STUFF from the

GOVERNMENT”  :

 

  1.      20 body piercings, per year, per commune

 

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TOP TEN SURPRISING FEATURES of OBAMACARE :

10.     Instead of lollipop, doctors now required to give children a likeness of Michelle Obama, crafted from soy and quinoa.
 
9.       In states that have not established insurance exchanges, you apply for coverage directly from local Death Panel.
 
8.        For only a $1200 deductible, your airfare is free and  transplant surgery will be scheduled in Sudan.
 
 7.        HHS establishes new consumer-friendly categories for surgical approval: “Ha-ha-ha-ha,”  “Fat chance,” and “Send this paperwork
                 to Washington.”
 
6.        If you want to keep your doctor, buy a lottery ticket.
 
5.        Lois Lerner assigned to check party registration prior to MRI approval…..
 
4.        Those big premium increases are just “income inequality” surcharges.
 
3.        Even at HHS, “assume the position” means grab and protect your wallet…
 
2.        Your personal data and health records now safely housed in Hillary Clinton’s private server, but marked “classified.”
 
 
…And the number one surprising feature of Obamacare is :
 
1.         No co-payments will be charged  if you agree to play Russian Roulette.
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TOP TEN WAYS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA and SECRETARY KERRY CAN TELL IF IRAN IS CHEATING ON THE NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY SIGNED

TOP TEN WAYS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA and SECRETARY KERRY CAN TELL IF IRAN IS CHEATING ON THE NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY SIGNED :
 
 
10.     Iconic view of Mount Tochal from Tehran obscured by stacks of new ICBM missiles.
 
9.       High-stepping Iranian Guards regiment leading off beloved “Mummers” parade in Philadelphia.
 
8.        Front-page headline on “Cosmopolitan” magazine:   “EXCITING NEW BURQAS TO DRIVE HIM WILD!“
 
7.         Starbucks introduces espresso beverage:   Bani Sadr Tabriz Truffle
 
6.         For six days now, callers to London and Berlin always get that creepy “busy circuit” buzz.
 
5.          “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive?”   — Supreme Leader Ali Khameni    (That vain Supreme Leader!   For the photo shoot, his robes were clearly more form fitting.)
 
4.         Most popular baby names in the USA, 2015:    “Noah” and “Emma”
             Most popular baby names in the USA, 2017:    “Abdul-Fazi” and “Nazanin-Sahra”
 
3.         The good news:   Finally, a woman appears on the $20 bill.
             The bad news:   Thanks to the hijab, we can’t tell who she is.
 
2.         “The Late Show‘s” Steven Colbert goes on vacation.    Guest host:    former President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
 
 
And…. the #1 way President Obama and Secretary Kerry can tell if Iran cheating on the nuclear agreement they signed :
 
1.           At the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley Field, public address announcer intones:
                  “Gentlemen, please rise and remove your turbans, as we chant “Death to the Cardinals.”
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Your Weekly American Top Ten List

TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE E-MAIL ADDRESSES FOR HILLARY CLINTON

10.     “[email protected]”

9.       “[email protected]”

8.       “[email protected]”

7.        “[email protected]”

6.        “[email protected]”

5.        “[email protected]”

4.        “[email protected]

3.        “[email protected]”

2.        “[email protected]”

 

…and the #1 Alternative E-mail Address for Hillary Clinton is:

1.          “[email protected]”

 

 

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Your Weekly American Top Ten List for the week of February 25, 2016

 

(Recently, President Obama’s spokesperson at the State Department declared that the President had “brought peace to Syria.”     Here then are the:)

 

TOP TEN WAYS PRESIDENT OBAMA CAN PROVE HIS CLAIM THAT HE “BROUGHT PEACE TO SYRIA.”

10.     Nowadays, Bashar el-Assad delivers mustard gas mostly in attractive yet practical potpourri packets.

9.        Syrian state TV’s new weekly feature:  “Meet your friendly local Kurd.”    (each week’s guest imprisoned after taping)

8.       Moderate Syrian rebels officially downgraded by government press office from “satanic” to merely “annoying little devils.”

7.        Priceless ancient monuments destroyed by ISIS goons to be replaced with heroic mega-statues of shirtless Vladimir Putin on horseback.

6.         Old war-like Syrian government language:   “We will remove Israel from the face of the map!”   New “Peace in Syria” language:   “The Jewish state will no longer appear on your GPS.”

5.        “Adolf Hitler Boulevard” in Damascus renamed “Eva Braun Nature Appreciation Trail.”

4.        Soviet-supplied MIG jets now equipped with relaxing massage seats for fighter pilots attacking anti-Assad rebels.

3.         To celebrate “Peace in Syria,” White House spokeman Josh Earnest has traded his Prius, even-up, for a camel.

2.         “ISIS” acronym being re-worked and re-branded to spell “NICE.”

…And the # 1 way the President can prove his claim that he has brought “peace to Syria” is:

  1.    “Look, President Assad is wearing western-style neckties and suits.”      (Wait a minute.    He’s always been dressed that way!)

 

 

 

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