Your Weekly American Top Ten List

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” will return in one week, arriving in email boxes on March 24th.

Blessings for St. Patrick’s Day to you.

10. Bring your E-Z Pass windshield transponder, anticipating a new Kathy Hochul “congestion pricing” toll on the planet.

9.  On Mars, even having ​ a VCR will make you a hit with the local “Red Planet Babes” population.

8.   Bring enough “My Pillows,” and Mike Lindell may give you the franchise for that region of the solar system.

7.    Beg the locals not to remove AM radio from your Mars-Rover vehicles.

6.    When you make your list of animals to breed in the cool Martian climate, don’t fret.   The cockroaches are waiting for you on the starship.

5.    In a high stress, new-planet environment, you may need sleep aids.    Consider “audio book” speeches by Andrew Cuomo, Joseph Biden and Elizabeth Warren.

4.    The strongest astronaut will become the Martian “Philosopher-King.”    It’s kind of like being governor of Minnesota or California.

3.      To keep more of the planet to yourself, try naming new settlements thusly:     “Devil’s Island,” “East Palestine,” “Three Mile Island,” “Love Canal,”  “Chernobyl,” and “Tsunami Shores.”

2.  Don’t yell at the Amazon guy just for double-parking.

…and the NUMBER ONE “STARTER CHECKLIST” ITEM for the FIRST U. S. COLONY on MARS is:

1.    If your local TV news anchor team operates under DEI,                   …remember that means including more Earthlings.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.  Got General Services to repaint my private “Tow Away Zone – Deputy Assistant District Director ONLY” parking spot.

9. Convened three unit-wide meetings to figure out how we can keep doing DEI….   but come up with a new name for it.

8.   Took unexpended money from last fiscal year and bought everyone in the district office new briefcases. They used them at our “team building collective” conference, at the Ritz-Carlton.  

7.  Prepared a helpful “Memo on Memos,” helping my colleagues to keep track of the dozens of memoranda from our Director, other supervisors, peers and subordinates that arrive each week.    ** 

6. During our daily office “Wellness Break,” we created snow angels to spell out:  “Not ever, Mr. Musk!“

5. Update our Federal building lobby directory so that President George W. Bush’s photo is finally replaced. 

4. Encourage participation in the building fire drill by offering massages and cocktails when completed.

3. Create a new private website so that “trans” staff can continue their lascivious “chats” offline   (though on Federal duty, as ever).

2. Requisition a Federal passenger jet to bring our office staff to the poverty conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands.  ***

…and the NUMBER ONE RESPONSE to “WHAT DID YOU ACCOMPLISH LAST WEEK?” is…

1. ​Finalize implementing our new $32 million phone system, so that no American will ever be able to reach a human Federal employee at our agency.

TABLE:

** = At one Federal agency where I toiled, they actually created a “Memo on Memos.”

***= In December of one year, HHS’ anti-poverty “Head Start” program held its national conference in the Grand Hyatt Resort, then on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.  Look, he didn’t kill ALL of New York’s seniors.

9.  Andrew really, really needs another mansion to live in.

8. Was I a perfect governor?    No, I still regret not getting that one woman’s phone number.

7.   Sure, some people mind that he named that bridge for Daddy.   But it was built for only three times the original cost estimate.

6.  Remember “New York has no future as the highest-taxed state…?”      Neither do I.

5.  In my last term, they claimed my “Buffalo Billions” was a corrupt boondoggle.     Who’s up for my new “Tribeca Trillions?”

4.  No cash bail is the least we can do for all the new “guests” we have from the border.

3.  He still needs to impress Mama Matilda and kid bro Chris

      2.   Consider that Mayor Adams got upgraded on Turkish Airlines.  Compared to that, some friendly groping don’t seem so horrible, do it?     

…and the NUMBER ONE “TRIAL BALLOON” TALKING POINT for the NASCENT ANDREW CUOMO for NYC MAYOR CAMPAIGN is:

1.  Why am I running for mayor?   As Henry Kissinger told us, “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.”

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

Note:               Two of these examples are bogus, created by your faithful editor.   Can you guess which two are fakes?   See answer at bottom.

10.  The Social Security Administration paid Federal disability benefits to over 7,000 people who were employed by the Federal government at the same time.

      9.   $15 million to the Taliban for condoms.

8.  $13.5 million to a partnership of the Bolshoi Ballet and the Moscow Philharmonic, to produce “Springtime for Vladdy.”

7.   $7.9 million to Sri Lanka to combat “binary gender language.”

6.   $20 million to create an Iraqi version of “Sesame Street.”

5.    $8 million to purchase subscriptions to “Politico Pro” for Federal employees.

4.    A $21 million challenge grant issued to the Saudi Royal family for a “PG” rated TV pilot of “Sex and the Desert.”

3.   $7.1 million for a “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous and People of Color) speaker series in Canada.

2.   $447,000 to Nepal to “promote an expansion of atheism.”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING, as DISCOVERED by D.O.G.E. is…

1. Syrian national Mahmoud Al Hafyan diverted $9 million in U.S. humanitarian aid to terrorist groups, including the Al-Nusra Front.

Examples #4 and #8 are bogus, created by your editor.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

​10.  An all-season ice cream bar, never to run out of Joe’s chocolate chip​.

9. Welcome video from “Admiral” “Rachel” Levine.

​ 8.   A one-way ATM, where visitors insert cash (minimum $25,000) with instructions for a Biden family member to make a call (but just one) ​and an “ask” ….

​ 7.  An all-gender locker room with open showers.

​

​ 6.   In the place of the traditional Air Force One on display, the Biden Library will feature the C-17 used to evacuate Afghanistan, with life-like dummies in turbans glued to the landing gear.

5. Within a 100 mile radius of Wilmington, seek out the most flamboyant “drag queens” to read scary tales of “climate migration” to little children.

4.  A life-like hologram of Joseph Biden, where he appears to be answering the public’s questions.    No matter what a visitor says, the Biden image responds:  “Yes, we can afford that.”

3. In the 2,000-seat “George Soros Theater,” visitors enjoy a 12-minute cartoon, where characters who seem to resemble Kamala, George Clooney, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama gang up on the president, eventually throwing him through a second-story White House window, with Dr. Jill unable to fend off the attackers.   

2. To honor the memory and spirit of Joseph’s “Green New Deal,” the Biden Presidential Library will be 100% powered by renewable energy, such as wind and solar.

…and the NUMBER ONE “CHECKLIST ITEM” in the EARLY PLANNING for the JOSEPH BIDEN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is…

1. Due to our internal energy policies, the Biden Library’s  ‘Expected Hours of Operation’ will be limited:  1:00 PM to 2:30 PM on Tuesdays only                                              ( we’ll never apologize for electricity shortages). 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10.   ​Military base mess halls will no longer garnish soft drinks with little umbrellas.

    9.    Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets will have the steak tartare option at every meal.

8.     On soldiers’ ammo belts, tampons will be replaced with grenades.

7.   By Valentine’s Day, all M1 Abrams and Pershing tanks will be painted in camouflage colors, covering over ​2024’s pink.

6.   Lecturers at West Point and Annapolis who had been specializing in the threats of “oppression” and “white supremacy” are being replaced by experts in hypersonic missiles.

5.   Traditional and now current 2025 military icons:  Washington, J. P. Jones, von Steuben, Lafayette, von Clausewitz, Grant, Pershing, Eisenhower, MacArthur,  Patton, Nimitz, Mattis and Schwartzkopf.        

            Military Icon during Joseph Biden’s administration:    Surgeon “General” “Rachel” (also has the rank of “Admiral”) Levine.

4.   At remote American bases, USO variety shows replace even the most entertaining Drag Queen reviews.

3.   In basic training, “marksman” award takes the place of “empathy” and “participation” medals.

2.   More bazookas, fewer “Yoo Hoo, soldier” megaphones.

…and the NUMBER ONE CHANGE in the U.S. MILITARY SINCE CANCELLATION of WOKE POLICIES is…

1.   ​Flip-flops are out during maneuvers.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10. High-paying new jobs for teachers of Danish and Inuit.

9.  Pizza Hut to roll out tasty six-slice “blubber” pies nationwide.

8.  Imagine those red, American-made “Gor Greenland Godt Igen”  (​“Make Greenland Great Again,​” in Danish) hats.

7.  The subway from Nuuk to Sisimiut is crime free.   Take that, Chicago.

6.   Quick, buy stock in Air Greenland.

5.    The NBA could expand to include the “Nuuk Musk Oxen.”

4.  Greenlanders seem to have the solution for the homeless problem in winter.

3.    Who doesn’t want a piece of​ “The Igloos at Trump Fjords?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        2.   Leading candidate for governor of the scenic new Territory of Greenland campaigns on slogan: “Og, hvis valgt, jeg lover at holde disse forfærdelige Kathy Hochul ‘trængsel prissætning’ vejafgifter ud af Grønland .”    (“And, if elected, I promise to keep those horrible Kathy Hochul ‘congestion pricing’ tolls out of Greenland!”).

…and the NUMBER ONE BENEFIT WHEN GREENLAND BECOMES an AMERICAN TERRITORY is…

1. No American beauty pageant contestant need ever again fear the swimsuit competition from another “Miss Greenland.” 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

10. “…And thanks to you, the American people who have entrusted us with this sacred authority…  my family and I have already scheduled ‘business’ meetings with some of the deepest-pocketed, most corrupt dictators in the world…”         

                                                 -JBiden,  2021

9. “Echoing the orations of Cicero, Marilyn Monroe once whispered to me…..”                                                                                                                                                                                                                     -JFK, 1961

     8.”We will continue the economic policies of President Hoover, but re-package them as a ‘Great Plan,’ ..er..let’s try:   a ‘New Deal….'”                                                                                                              -FDR, 1933

7. “The hostages have been released, so I have ordered the B-52s to return home.”                                                                                                                                                                                                       -RReagan, 1981

6.     “I said, ‘no new FAXES.'”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             – George H. W. Bush, 1989

    5.”Let me first express my gratitude for the love and support I have enjoyed from my family, beginning with Monica, ​… I mean Hillary….”                                                                                             – WJClinton, 1997

4. “The only thing we have to fear…. are those major bad boys: Adolph, Tojo and Benito.”                                                                                                                                                                                            -FDR, 194​1

3. “With Greenland unavailable this year of our Lord 1803, I am cobbling together an alternative agreement, this one with with France.                                                                                     With any luck, that could amount to a genuine Purchase of Louisiana.  Let me re-work that….”  

                                                                                                           -TJefferson, 1803

2. “And for those of you who think my middle initial should stand for something, I say ‘s—.’”

–                                                             -Harry S Truman, 1949

…and the NUMBER ONE SPEECH WRITER LINE LEFT OUT of an INAUGURAL ADDRESS is…

 1,            “Our long national nightmare is over….    but oh boy, is anyone more relentlessly ambitious than that Nelson Rockefeller?”                                                                                                                   – GRFord, 1974

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .

U. S. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has issued his “Festivus Report,” replete with over $1 trillion in wasteful & unnecessary Federal spending. Seven of the examples below are from Sen. Rand’s report, but three were made up by your faithful editor. Guess which three are phony… it won’t be easy!  (see answers at bottom).

10. HHS spent $419,470 on a “study” to see if “lonely rats seek cocaine more than happy rats.”

9.  GSA and other agencies spend $10 billion annually on maintaining, leasing and managing empty and nearly-empty Federal office buildings.

8.   The Department of Agriculture granted Gavin Newsom’s “Plumpjack Winery” $7.1 million to encourage winemaking in central Greenland.

7.   The Department of State wasted $3 million on “Girl Centered Climate Action” in Brazil.

6.    The National Endowment for the Arts underwrote a “Bearded Ladies Cabaret,” featuring a show of crossdressers on ice skates, focused on climate change.

5.   At the encouragement of US Sen. Bernie Sanders, the Department of Commerce gave the Vermont state government $3.4 million to “encourage transgender New Englanders to become involved in the growing, sustainable maple syrup industry.“

4.   The Department of State issued $2.1 million to the nation of Paraguay for “border security.”

3.    The Department of Energy spent $15.5 billion to push Americans to buy electric vehicles, even if they cannot afford them or have no interest in them.

2.   DOT’s Urban Mass Transit Administration granted Hawaii $7.8 billion to initiate “under-the-Pacific” tunnels that will eventually connect all four of the state’s      most populous islands with subway and rail freight service.

… and the NUMBER ONE MOST EGREGIOUS EXAMPLE of WASTEFUL FEDERAL SPENDING is…

1.     A Florida man stole $8 million in Covid-19 relief funds to buy “Sweetheart Island” for himself, among other personal purchases.   

Numbers 8, 5 and 2 were NOT in Sen. Rand’s report, and are phony.   All the others are true, actual examples of Federal waste.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  herbstupp@gmail.com  .