Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. Martial law imposed in Utah   (just to show them who’s boss).

9.   In perpetuity, nuclear codes can only be activated by guys named Josh or Jeh.

8.    US Supreme Court justices who oppose Obama edicts must wear plaid robes in session.

7.   Real-time eavesdropping on NATO allies available as live streaming on “E” Network.

6.   Mount Rushmore to be relocated by Dept. of the Interior to Obama  Presidential Center near Jackson Park in Chicago.

5.   Hillary Clinton, John Niskanen, Eric Holder, and Lois Lerner offered choice of amnesty, pardon or Nationals season tickets. 

4.   Staten Island and Nantucket will trade names and elected officials.

3.   New improved First Amendment:    “Congress shall make no snide comments besmirching the reputation of Presidents born in Hawaii.”

2.   Those powers not delegated to the United States Government by the Constitution now reserved for the United Nations Climate Change Committee.

…and the NUMBER ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER PRESIDENT OBAMA IS CONSIDERING BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE is:

1.      Voting no longer officially restricted to the living.

10.     Chicago is still safer than Aleppo, Syria.

9.    Police will get to nearly all home invasions within 45 minutes.

8.    Security guards are armed, right??

7.     Prominent “Gun Free Zone” signs keep those wily bad guys away.

6.     Isn’t Obama coming back here in January? Move near him.

5.      At the mall, those new metal detectors should do the trick.

4.      Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says 84% hike in murders “needs to be placed in context.”

3.      Al Capone has been gone a long time.

2.      Reduce chances of being mugged by 43%: 

              Go swimming in Lake Michigan (applicable June-August only). 

…and the NUMBER ONE REASON you don’t NEED a FIREARM in CHICAGO is :

 1.      At the Drake Hotel, Michael Bloomberg, George Soros and their armed security teams don’t look worried at all.

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10.  Near the Rathskeller, someone wrote “Cut Taxes” in chalk on the sidewalk.

9.   Bathrooms still feature oppressive “Male” and “Female” designations.

8.   Even worse, campus bathrooms now explicitly exclude non-humans.

7.   OMG!   Campus security vehicles use fossil fuels!

6.    Board of Trustees names new building for alumnus who paid for it!       (Instead of more deserving Saul Alinsky, Robert Mugabe, Bill Ayers or Gloria Steinem.)

5.      Eight students traumatized by receiving “C” grades from professors oblivious to self-esteem crises.

4.      Varsity teams continue to insist on games ending in a “win” or a “loss,” no matter the psychological harm.

3.      There is talk that a conservative could be invited to speak on campus in 2018.

2.       Those posters of Obama in Cuba, posing in front of Che Guevara portrait?     Bookstore ran out of them!

…and THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOUR COLLEGE CAMPUS NEEDS A “SAFE SPACE” to PROTECT “PROGRESSIVE” STUDENTS:

1.       An ROTC student from a nearby college walked right on to our campus, in full uniform!

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10.   “Jerry Jihad”

      9.  “Ardent Advocates”

      8.  “Spicy Hummus”

      7.   “Omar Sharif Fan Club”

      6.   “Misguided Bombmakers”

      5.   “72 Virgins Caucus”

      4.   “Ramallah Roulette’“

      3.   “Angry Camels”

      2.   “Falafel Jamboree”

…and the NUMBER ONE EUPHEMISM to AVOID SAYING “RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM” is :

1.  “Religious Extremists”

(Special Bonus: You can use this one against US opponents of radical Islamic terrorism.)

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10. Most common response from 911 operators is:  “Like, what ?”

9.   Annual fifty-mile bike tour takes 64 days to complete.

8. Your waitperson brings eggplant parmigiana to your table….    at a Chinese restaurant.

7.   Local TV news anchors begin wearing sunglasses on the air.

6.   Most of the traffic on Interstates now moves in figure-eight patterns.

    

5.   At college graduations, valedictorian speakers can’t stop giggling.

4.   Local airport features lots of planes taxiing around, but very few take-offs.

      3.   Highest-rated television programs: TV “test patterns” and “Cheech & Chong” movies.

     2.    Forty-three percent of residents carry on lengthy conversations with pre-recorded robo-calls.

…and the NUMBER ONE WAY to tell if YOUR STATE has LEGALIZED MARIJUANA USE is:

1. During your governor’s “State of the State” message, he uses the word “toke” eleven times.

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10.   Bill De Blasio seeks to ban beloved horse-drawn carriages from

Central Park.

Kim Jong-un supports De Blasio policy, due to horsemeat shortages under North Korean Communism.

9.      In Pyongyang, all-night fruit stands and dry cleaners are run

by formerly overtaxed New Yorkers.

8.     North Korea has achieved De Blasio goal of income equality!!

(Except, of course, for wealthy “Friends of Kim.”)

7.     Kim Jong-un loves to lob missiles in to the Sea of Japan.

Mayor De Blasio loves to lob billions of taxpayer dollars to

municipal union bosses.

6.     One place is a “genuine workers state in which all the people

are completely liberated from exploitation and oppression.” **

The other place borders China.

( ** – Actual quotation from the website of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. )

5       It’s not the New York Times, but North Korea’s “Workers’

Paper” is quite fawning in support of one-party rule.

4. Pyongyang is a city “reserved only for the elite who are

        trustworthy, healthy and loyal citizens” of the Democratic

People’s Republic of Korea.

That’s also the standard for a job in NY City Hall.

3. Despite annual per capita income of only $1,000, North

Korean students are required to pay for chairs, desks and

heating fuel in their schools.

In New York City, chairs and desks are first utilized as

projectiles and weapons, after which they are burned as fuel.

2. Five-foot-four Kim Jong-un wearing military jackets to avoid

being confused with 6’7 Mayor De Blasio.

…and the NUMBER ONE COMPARISON between NORTH KOREA and NEW YORK CITY under MAYOR BILL De BLASIO is:

1. Across much of the landscape, a harsh bureaucracy rules over the people, while one-party government is led by an executive and a council dominated by dull, tone-deaf lovers of ever-growing statist power.

There aren’t many political options in North Korea, either.

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10.  Favorite charity:

The Hamiltons found the first orphanage in New York City.

The Clinton Foundation’s favorite charity:   the Clintons.

9.   Alexander was primary author of The Federalist Papers, which argue for strong but limited government.

Clintons relish appointing judges to undo Hamilton’s work.

8.   Hamilton: Alexander owns up to having an affair, asking forgiveness in a public letter, paying compensation to the offended husband.

Clinton:   Where do we begin?

7.  Hamilton never compensated for writing The Federalist Papers or giving a speech.

Clinton speech fees range from $200,000 for a “reflection” to $350,000 for a “harangue.”    (Book advances alone = $37 million).

6.     Iconic Hamilton biographical work:    The musical play and book, “Hamilton.”

Iconic Clinton biographical work:   “Porky’s,” the movie.

5. Alexander Hamilton creates the first Central Bank for the the United States.

Clintons create the need for the “Pinocchio Award” at the Washington Post.

4. Noteworthy quotes:

Hamilton:  “I never expect to see a perfect work from an imperfect man.”

Clinton:    “Hey, y’all.  There goes a perfect 10.”

3.      Hamilton appreciates French allies.

Clinton appreciates French films.

2.      Alexander Hamilton crosses the mighty Hudson by rowboat for his fateful duel with Aaron Burr.

The Clintons require limousines and private jets for fateful duels with Bernie Sanders and Judge Ken Starr.

… AND the NUMBER ONE DIFFERENCE between ALEXANDER HAMILTON and BILL CLINTON :

1. In 1804, Alexander Hamilton founds the New York Post.

By 2004, Clinton scandals are the main source of material for the New York Post.

10.    Alaska:   Captain must avoid hitting playful porpoises and whales.

Cuba:     Captain must avoid hitting rafts jammed with people escaping.

9.    Alaska:  Even from miles off shore, you can hear the call of a wolf or an eagle.

Cuba:   Even from miles off shore, you can hear the firing squad.

8.    Docking in Anchorage means fine meals, a selection of newspapers and the ability to load up on ammo.

Docking in Havana means military rations, a party-controlled “newspaper, “ and ammo for secret police only.

7.     Alaska: As you disembark in port, you might spot singer Jewel or former governor Sarah Palin.

Cuba:   As you disembark in port, you might spot former dictator Fidel Castro in his limousine, or fugitive New Jersey cop killer Joanne Chesimard relaxing on a beach.

6.   Alaska:   Hunters’ rifles pointed inland at big game trophies like grizzlies and moose.

Cuba:  Army rifles pointed offshore at your cruise ship, “just to show you who’s boss.”

5.     Alaska:   On some nights, you can see the Northern Lights.

Cuba:      On many nights, electricity is rationed.

4.     Across the Bering Strait, you can actually see Russia from Alaska.

In Cuba, you can see actual Russians on naval maneuvers.

3.      Iconic TV shows available in your ship stateroom:

Nearing Alaska:  “Dangerous Catch” and “Alaska State Troopers”

Nearing Cuba:   “You Bet Your Life” (…and not the Groucho version)

2.    Docking in Alaskan cities, you can receive the most advanced medical care in the world.

In Cuba, “do you happen to know supreme leader Fidel or Raul?”

…AND THE #1 DIFFERENCE  between CRUISING ALASKAN WATERS vs. CRUISING CUBAN WATERS IS:

1.    Alaskan journalist overheard in Anchorage:   “I live in a great country.   I can denounce President Reagan or President Obama any time I like.”

Cuban “journalist” overheard in Havana:     “I live in a great country.   I can denounce President Reagan or President Obama any time I like.”

10.   Hiring new staff to manage speaking invitations from women’s colleges

9.   Daily mantra to his wife:  “Darlin’, y’know there’s never been an impeached President on the Supreme Court before.”

8.   Co-ed roller blade races down those long White House corridors.

7.   Tripling dollar amounts requested when making fund raising calls for Clinton Foundation.

6.   Texting lessons from Anthony Weiner, who’s down the hall in Huma’s conference room.

5.    Dialing up random heads of state to say:  “This is President Clinton.  You have 45 minutes to leave your country.”

4.   Searching for fun items he stashed in the Oval Office before departing in 2001.

3.   Playful leapfrog marathons at White House pool.

2.   Establishing new dress codes for interns.   Hint: it will involve Spandex.

AND the #1 BILL CLINTON ACTIVITY with NOTHING to do in a HILLARY WHITE HOUSE:

1. Figuring out daily market rate to charge for Lincoln Bedroom sleepovers.

10.    Mr. Raul and I agreed on upgrading to “hourly rafts” for escapees from Cuba.

9.       Bringing back enough hand-rolled cigars for all the smoke-filled rooms in Chicago.    (You’re welcome, Rahm!)

8.       Glossy color photos of cop-killer Joanne Chesimard and mad bomber Guillermo Morales, relaxing on Cuban beaches.

7.        That photo of me in front of Che Guevara !    I’ll be on college dorm walls forever.

6.        Candy machines at new US Embassy replaced with guy selling healthful plantains.

5.         Nostalgic tour of ready-to-use missile silos built by that “regional power” based in Moscow.  (“Those aren’t pointed at the US, are they ?”, I asked

                           Mr. Raul.)

4.         Gift of Mr. Fidel bobble-head fits beautifully in the White House where that bust of Churchill used to be.

3.         Wow!!   I just show up and there are no political prisoners in Cuba !

2.         Mr. Raul will allow Christians to celebrate “Winter Solstice” this year.

…AND THE #1  ACHIEVEMENT from PRESIDENT OBAMA’s “HISTORIC” CUBAN TRIP DIARY is :

1.          Salsa dancing in Havana proved to be excellent practice for tango-striding in Argentina.