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Monthly Archives: March 2016

TOP TEN ACHIEVEMENTS from PRESIDENT OBAMA’S “HISTORIC” CUBAN TRIP DIARY :

10.    Mr. Raul and I agreed on upgrading to “hourly rafts” for escapees from Cuba.

9.       Bringing back enough hand-rolled cigars for all the smoke-filled rooms in Chicago.    (You’re welcome, Rahm!)

8.       Glossy color photos of cop-killer Joanne Chesimard and mad bomber Guillermo Morales, relaxing on Cuban beaches.

7.        That photo of me in front of Che Guevara !    I’ll be on college dorm walls forever.

6.        Candy machines at new US Embassy replaced with guy selling healthful plantains.

5.         Nostalgic tour of ready-to-use missile silos built by that “regional power” based in Moscow.  (“Those aren’t pointed at the US, are they ?”, I asked

                           Mr. Raul.)

4.         Gift of Mr. Fidel bobble-head fits beautifully in the White House where that bust of Churchill used to be.

3.         Wow!!   I just show up and there are no political prisoners in Cuba !

2.         Mr. Raul will allow Christians to celebrate “Winter Solstice” this year.

…AND THE #1  ACHIEVEMENT from PRESIDENT OBAMA’s “HISTORIC” CUBAN TRIP DIARY is :

1.          Salsa dancing in Havana proved to be excellent practice for tango-striding in Argentina.

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TOP TEN BERNIE SANDERS IDEAS for “MORE FREE STUFF from the GOVERNMENT” :

  1.   Unlimited First Class air travel to Boulder, Berkeley, Woodstock, Ann

Arbor and Cambridge

 

  1.    Annual Superbowl admission   (Game  permanently moved to Utah

           Salt Flats).

 

  1.    Marijuana

 

  1.    That big chocolate brownie in the diner’s display case ?    Free.   (Related

             to #8 above).

 

  1.      Tattoos  (Feel the “Bern!”)   (All political tattoo messages require

             prior approval from new Dept. of Homeland Body Art in    

                 Washington.

 

  1.      Birkenstock shoes  (Job interview model)

 

  1.      Subscriptions to Cuba’s official government “Granma“

newspaper  (with no Cuban Internet, check those exciting job    

                  ads!)

 

  1.       Unlimited “vacations” at communes in Vermont and Oregon

 

  1.      Free tuition at private Bob Jones University (This is not a

                 misprint.   Bob Jones will be a very different place with 450,000   

                 students).

 

  1.      For the first 20 million migrants to cross in to the US, free lessons in

“Brooklyn-accented” (Bernie) English

 

  1.       Bib overalls (Job interview model)

 

 

 

…and the # 1 BERNIE SANDERS IDEA for “MORE FREE STUFF from the

GOVERNMENT”  :

 

  1.      20 body piercings, per year, per commune

 

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TOP TEN SURPRISING FEATURES of OBAMACARE :

10.     Instead of lollipop, doctors now required to give children a likeness of Michelle Obama, crafted from soy and quinoa.
 
9.       In states that have not established insurance exchanges, you apply for coverage directly from local Death Panel.
 
8.        For only a $1200 deductible, your airfare is free and  transplant surgery will be scheduled in Sudan.
 
 7.        HHS establishes new consumer-friendly categories for surgical approval: “Ha-ha-ha-ha,”  “Fat chance,” and “Send this paperwork
                 to Washington.”
 
6.        If you want to keep your doctor, buy a lottery ticket.
 
5.        Lois Lerner assigned to check party registration prior to MRI approval…..
 
4.        Those big premium increases are just “income inequality” surcharges.
 
3.        Even at HHS, “assume the position” means grab and protect your wallet…
 
2.        Your personal data and health records now safely housed in Hillary Clinton’s private server, but marked “classified.”
 
 
…And the number one surprising feature of Obamacare is :
 
1.         No co-payments will be charged  if you agree to play Russian Roulette.
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TOP TEN WAYS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA and SECRETARY KERRY CAN TELL IF IRAN IS CHEATING ON THE NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY SIGNED

TOP TEN WAYS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA and SECRETARY KERRY CAN TELL IF IRAN IS CHEATING ON THE NUCLEAR AGREEMENT THEY SIGNED :
 
 
10.     Iconic view of Mount Tochal from Tehran obscured by stacks of new ICBM missiles.
 
9.       High-stepping Iranian Guards regiment leading off beloved “Mummers” parade in Philadelphia.
 
8.        Front-page headline on “Cosmopolitan” magazine:   “EXCITING NEW BURQAS TO DRIVE HIM WILD!“
 
7.         Starbucks introduces espresso beverage:   Bani Sadr Tabriz Truffle
 
6.         For six days now, callers to London and Berlin always get that creepy “busy circuit” buzz.
 
5.          “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive?”   — Supreme Leader Ali Khameni    (That vain Supreme Leader!   For the photo shoot, his robes were clearly more form fitting.)
 
4.         Most popular baby names in the USA, 2015:    “Noah” and “Emma”
             Most popular baby names in the USA, 2017:    “Abdul-Fazi” and “Nazanin-Sahra”
 
3.         The good news:   Finally, a woman appears on the $20 bill.
             The bad news:   Thanks to the hijab, we can’t tell who she is.
 
2.         “The Late Show‘s” Steven Colbert goes on vacation.    Guest host:    former President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
 
 
And…. the #1 way President Obama and Secretary Kerry can tell if Iran cheating on the nuclear agreement they signed :
 
1.           At the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley Field, public address announcer intones:
                  “Gentlemen, please rise and remove your turbans, as we chant “Death to the Cardinals.”
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