Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. Welcome to Chicago — Still Safer than Guatemala or Gaza

9.  ​Illegal? Mayor ​Brandon Johnson has your first check​ in his pocket.

8.   Chicago:   Where Teachers’ Unions Never let Second Graders Push Them Around

7.    I am pleased to gavel the ​2024 Democrat National Convention to order.   Just for old times’ sake, please wear your old Covid mask​ right now.

6. ​   This is the place where Barack Obama began fooling ​some of the people ​most of the time.

5.  ​  Friends, being homeless in Chicago is still better than being “housed” in ​East Palestine, Ohio.

4.   Senator Durbin Invites You to his “Progressive Heaven” in Lincoln Park

3.     Pro-Hamas Arsonists May Proceed to the Air Conditioned Daley Suite (with buffet)

2.     38 Chicagoans Were  Shot Last Weekend —    Delegates, be Forewarned: Firearms are strictly prohibited within the City

…and the NUMBER ONE SELLING POINT for DELEGATES to the DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENION in CHICAGO is…

1.     This is It – – Caracas  on the Lake !

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. VICE PRESIDENT DECLARES FOR PRESIDENT AT 11 AM ; Wraps up Nomination by Acclamation at 11:30​, Bolstering “Democracy”

9. EXCITEMENT IS UNPRECEDENTED —REMINISCENT OF BEATLEMANIA

8. ATTACKS SEEKING TO LINK MS. HARRIS TO THE BORDER MUST AND WILL FAIL

7. THAT ​“GIRL ON THE SCHOOLBUS​” NOW PREPARES TO ​LEAD THE FREE WORLD 

6. THE “SIGNIFICANCE OF THE PASSAGE OF TIME” SUDDENLY MAKES SENSE TO “K STREET” LOBBYISTS

5. THAT ALLEGED “BAIL FUND FOR RIOTERS, ARSONISTS AND LOOTERS” ​MERELY SOUGHT TO ADVANCE SOCIAL JUSTICE

4. DESPITE PRIVILEGED UPBRINGING, KAMALA HAS ALWAYS BATTLED MISOGYNISTS, RACISTS, OPPRESSORS  

3. “DEFUND” NEVER INTENDED AS CRITICISM OF THE POLICE, HARRIS DECLARES

2. KAMALA DELIBERATELY FORGED IMAGE AS A “MODERATE” IN CALIFORNIA

…and the NUMBER ONE “KAMALA” HEADLINE WE FORESEE FROM YOUR NEUTRAL, LEGACY MEDIA THIS WEEK is…

1. KAMALA HARRIS UNITES AMERICANS OF ALL RACES AND GENERATIONS

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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(“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” was not published last week, owing to:    ** The Assassination Attempt on the former President of the U.S., and ** Surgery Completed on Your Humble Editor.)

10.  If Joe departs prior to January 20th, there is a chance he’ll give up that “Worst president ever” title right quick.

9.   Aides convinced him he can retire next to that ice cream machine in Delaware.

8.     This will give him more time to help Hunter with the family “business.”

7.    When you think about it, Joe could not possibly do any more TO the country.

      6.     Kamala has promised to continue access to the White House Mess, the pool and unlimited cuff links.

5.     There’s only so much Red Bull in the District of Columbia.

4.      Someone on the Internet says that Joseph could keep most of the campaign money for himself or the family “business.”

3.    Joe is much better off cashing out now, versus when the planned Democrat tax hikes kick in next year.

2.   When Joseph saw Dr. Jill using the White House bowling alley for the first time, he knew he was toast.

…and the NUMBER ONE FACTOR INFLUENCING JOSEPH BIDEN to “STAND DOWN” from his RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN is…

1.  He wants to freeze in time his status as the presidency’s greatest debater. 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Given your performance in that debate, will you switch your ice cream flavor from sleepy chocolate chip to caffeinated espresso bean?

9.   Considering the need for student loan “relief” and many more electric cars, how many trillions will you add to your next budget proposal?

8.  Tell us about all that our incredible First Lady’s White House staff has accomplished.

7.   House investigators say they’ve uncovered nine “shell” corporations your son has established, where at least $30 million has been received from foreign dictators,  and then redistributed to Biden family members.    Would you say these claims from your MAGA opponents are more like hogwash or plain old malarkey?

6.   If you win a second term, will you exact any retribution against the South Pacific cannibals who consumed your uncle, without justification?

5.  I know you are proud of the job Kamala Harris has done as your “Border Czarina.”   Will she be on that national security case for the next four years, sir?

4.  How did you keep inflation down to just 20% during your first term?

3. Mr. President, you will turn 82 on November 20th.    That makes you a Scorpio, where power, vulnerability and determination are hallmarks.   Are you a product of your Zodiac sign, sir?

2. Growing up as “Scranton Joe,” did you identify most with the Puerto Rican, Jewish, black, Irish, Italian… or cannibal community?

…and the NUMBER ONE UNASKED QUESTION on GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS’ CLIPBOARD DURING that “HARD HITTING” INTERVIEW with JOSEPH BIDEN is…

1. With all the demands on your time, sir, how did you ever get to be a 6-handicap golfer?   May I caddy for you?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10.  HE REALLY LOOKED VIRILE AND MUSCULAR, DONTCHA THINK?

9.   HE GOT SOME NUMBERS WRONG, BUT SURE SHOWED HIS COMMITMENT TO EQUITY.

8.   WHAT BORDER? 

7.   TO ME, STANDING FOR 90 MINUTES IS A REAL ACHIEVEMENT.

6.   NO, HE DIDN’T ARRIVE HERE IN AN ELECTRIC LIMOUSINE.  YOUR POINT?

5.   WHAT DOES VOTER I.D. HAVE TO DO WITH DEMOCRACY?

4.   WHAT FATHER WOULDN’T WELCOME $30 MILLION, TAX-FREE, FOR HIS FAMILY?

3.    LOOK, HE FOUND THE EXIT, DIDN’T HE?

2.    YES, HIS NEW HAIRPLUGS CAME AT TAXPAYER EXPENSE.    BUT THE BORDER AND INFLATION ARE UNDER CONTROL NOW.

…and the NUMBER ONE ATTEMPT AT “SPIN” FOLLOWING THE DEBATE is….

1.    HAVE CLOONEY, PUTIN AND AMERICA’S SWEETHEART EVER BEEN WRONG AT THE SAME TIME?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   No, Sir.   He is not talking about the Delaware-Maryland border.

9.   We’ve got the Inflation Reduction Act.   Why can’t we have the World Peace Act?

8.  Yes, you should shake hands with him.   It’s summer; just don’t wear mittens.

7.   Can I ask why $3 million from Moscow wound up in his daughter’s account?

6.   Promise me an ice cream cone at the end.

5.  You sayin’ there was no 9% inflation in January 2021?

4.   Here is your Briefing Book on inflation and Federal Reserve  policies.  The executive summary is only two words:  “STOP OVERSPENDING!”

3.  You mean his wife won’t be standing there, either?

2.  What can I wear that’s “inclusive?”

…and the NUMBER ONE PRE-DEBATE PREPPING COMMENT OVERHEARD THIS WEEK is…

     1. Don’t worry.   With Jake and Dana, it’ll be three-against-one.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.  “ARE YOU SURE HANK DONE IT THIS WAY?’​ – Antony Blinken tries to craft a Henry Kissinger image for himself.

9.   “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”​   –  The President calls to Dr. Jill at 10:30, as she departs for the community college.

8.   “MONEY FOR NOTHIN’”​  –   The trillion-dollar “Green New Deal” allows for payoffs to Biden allies and random leftists, but for which ‘climate’ results, exactly?

7.   “EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD”  –  Your Vladimir, ​Xi, Kim​, + Ortega barbershop quartet.

6.  “IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME”​   –    I’d still be ignorant.

5.   “9-TO-5”​   –   “Overtime” in the Oval Office.

4.    “FORTUNATE SON”​ –   Georgetown, Yale Law, then on to collecting $30 million from foreign “dignitaries.”

3.  “DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?”​   –   Kamala calls the evening news anchors to guarantee she’ll be on the ticket.

2.  “JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH”​ –  Trump “documents” prosecutor Jack Smith arranges to be photographed walking from court to buy his own Subway sandwich.

…and the NUMBER ONE POP MUSIC TUNE on BEACH PLAYLISTS this SUMMER is:

1.  “WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES”​   —   For the gullible citizens who agree that Joseph Biden inherited a 9% inflation rate.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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 10. THREE HUNDRED NORMANDY CIVILIANS KILLED IN SURPRISE U.S. ​AND BRITISH RAIDS

​ 9.  PRESIDENT QUICKLY DISMISSES VON RIBBENTROP OFFER OF IMMEDIATE CEASE-FIRE 

 8. LOOKING AHEAD TO ELECTION, PRESIDENT SEEKS TO BURNISH IMAGE AS A STRONG, COMPETENT CHIEF EXECUTIVE

  7. WHY NORMANDY AND NOT PAS de CALAIS?   FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARIES DEBATE.

 6. SOME FEAR D-DAY ATTACK COULD PROVOKE HITLER TO INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS

 5.  AFTERMATH OF LANDINGS AT UTAH AND OMAHA BEACHES REVEALS UNPRECEDENTED ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION​ AND CONSUMPTION OF FOSSIL FUELS

 4.   DO SECRET MEETINGS WITH ALLIED MILITARY GENERALS WARRANT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR? CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS ARE PLANNED.

 3.  WASHINGTON POST OBTAINS DOCUMENTS AND SATELLITE IMAGES REVEALING EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALLIED SHIPS, AIRCRAFT AND TROOPS

 2.   IN PLANNING LAVATORIES FOR 156,000 TROOPS, TRANSGENDER N​EEDS FALL BY THE WAYSIDE

                  …and the NUMBER ONE HEADLINE if TODAY’S MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS COVERING the D-DAY LANDINGS is:

 1.  MUSSOLINI, TOJO, HITLER CRITICIZE D-DAY FOR MASSIVE, UNDENIABLE IMPACT ON CLIMATE CHANGE

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. (Juror:)   “No, I had never heard of Trump or Biden before.  Did they create the ‘Who’s on First’ routine?”

9. “I don’t mind the hair color in the least…   but all those Diet Cokes?”

8. “Your Honor, I love how well you wear those form-fitting robes.”

7.   “The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.    Is that a multiple choice question?

6.   “Nope, this sheet does not have the judge’s instructions….   but it does look like the jury’s lunch orders.”

5.   “I think those are Biden-Harris shorts under those robes.”

4.   “I keep confusing the adult film star and juror #7.”

3.   “So MICHAEL Cohen is NOT the Mets’ owner?  I never connected lying with baseball, anyway.”

2.  (Man on cell phone…)  “Thank you, Mr. President.   But we were just doing our jobs.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD in MANHATTAN COURTROOMS THIS WEEK was…

1.  “Please tell me again.   What was the crime here?”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. No, that can’t be a tiny I.V. running up Joseph’s sleeve…. can it?

9.  A tiny earphone for the president.​   (How else could he hear us?)

8. T​o avoid disinformation, the Biden team will control​ all microphone​s.

7.  Questions and topics to be developed by Hakeem Jeffries, ​Rachel Maddow, Kamala, Stephen Colbert and Kim Jong-un.

6.  Soft candle lighting only, please.

5.  Simultaneous live translations of the President’s responses in Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Russian, Tagalog, Hindi, Japanese, Afrikaans, Swahili, Haitian Creole, Yiddish, but most importantly…  in clear, intelligible ENGLISH.

4.  Three 20-minute coffee or chilled Red Bull breaks.

3.  The President will require two nurses…    err….   Secret Service associates…   at his lectern.

2.  Only President Biden will receive debate questions in advance.   (Hey, CNN did that for Hillary, right?)

… and the NUMBER ONE DEMAND the BIDEN TEAM is MAKING PRIOR to the UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES is…

1. ​To avoid “cackling eruptions,” Kamala will remain in a secure. sound-proof isolation booth until sign-off.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2024 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .