Your Weekly American Top Ten List

“YOUR WEEKLY AMERICAN TOP TEN LIST” will return in one week, arriving in email boxes on March 24th.

Blessings for St. Patrick’s Day to you.

10. Bring your E-Z Pass windshield transponder, anticipating a new Kathy Hochul “congestion pricing” toll on the planet.

9.  On Mars, even having ​ a VCR will make you a hit with the local “Red Planet Babes” population.

8.   Bring enough “My Pillows,” and Mike Lindell may give you the franchise for that region of the solar system.

7.    Beg the locals not to remove AM radio from your Mars-Rover vehicles.

6.    When you make your list of animals to breed in the cool Martian climate, don’t fret.   The cockroaches are waiting for you on the starship.

5.    In a high stress, new-planet environment, you may need sleep aids.    Consider “audio book” speeches by Andrew Cuomo, Joseph Biden and Elizabeth Warren.

4.    The strongest astronaut will become the Martian “Philosopher-King.”    It’s kind of like being governor of Minnesota or California.

3.      To keep more of the planet to yourself, try naming new settlements thusly:     “Devil’s Island,” “East Palestine,” “Three Mile Island,” “Love Canal,”  “Chernobyl,” and “Tsunami Shores.”

2.  Don’t yell at the Amazon guy just for double-parking.

…and the NUMBER ONE “STARTER CHECKLIST” ITEM for the FIRST U. S. COLONY on MARS is:

1.    If your local TV news anchor team operates under DEI,                   …remember that means including more Earthlings.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  Got General Services to repaint my private “Tow Away Zone – Deputy Assistant District Director ONLY” parking spot.

9. Convened three unit-wide meetings to figure out how we can keep doing DEI….   but come up with a new name for it.

8.   Took unexpended money from last fiscal year and bought everyone in the district office new briefcases. They used them at our “team building collective” conference, at the Ritz-Carlton.  

7.  Prepared a helpful “Memo on Memos,” helping my colleagues to keep track of the dozens of memoranda from our Director, other supervisors, peers and subordinates that arrive each week.    ** 

6. During our daily office “Wellness Break,” we created snow angels to spell out:  “Not ever, Mr. Musk!“

5. Update our Federal building lobby directory so that President George W. Bush’s photo is finally replaced. 

4. Encourage participation in the building fire drill by offering massages and cocktails when completed.

3. Create a new private website so that “trans” staff can continue their lascivious “chats” offline   (though on Federal duty, as ever).

2. Requisition a Federal passenger jet to bring our office staff to the poverty conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands.  ***

…and the NUMBER ONE RESPONSE to “WHAT DID YOU ACCOMPLISH LAST WEEK?” is…

1. ​Finalize implementing our new $32 million phone system, so that no American will ever be able to reach a human Federal employee at our agency.

TABLE:

** = At one Federal agency where I toiled, they actually created a “Memo on Memos.”

***= In December of one year, HHS’ anti-poverty “Head Start” program held its national conference in the Grand Hyatt Resort, then on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

 “Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2025 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .