- Three hashish pipes in the vice president’s outer office (same drawer as a copy of her “The Significance of the Passage of Time” speech)
9. A partially-completed application, in Alejandro Majorkas’ handwriting, seeking asylum in Venezuela
8. A stack of 138 glossy portraits autographed by Hunter, available for only $900 each.
- A large beach cooler packed with subpoenas, speeding tickets, marijuana blunts and broken ankle surveillance monitors.
- A late ‘90s-era women’s bathing suit found in the White House swimming pool filter
- El Chapo’s sweaty t-shirt (DNA confirmed) located in the Briefing Room, under Jim Acosta’s seat
- Pete Buttigieg spotted at 3 AM, simply refusing to leave.
- An original copy of the U.S. Constitution, inexplicably ripped to shreds (The FBI may have fingerprints by 2025)
- Self-serve iced tea dispenser in the White House Mess found to be laced with fentanyl, rushed in from our secure border
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW DISCOVERY by FEDERAL AUTHORITIES in the WHITE HOUSE COMPLEX is…
- Joseph Biden, wearing a robe at 10 AM, alone and sound asleep in the locked Situation Room.
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