10. A transfer in to the baccalaureate program will be approved for the applicant with a two-year Associate’s degree from a community college…
…who has won a $1.6 billion lottery payout in the same calendar year.
9. The Asian-American applicant with a “superior likability quotient,” who also presents 1500 SAT scores and can dunk a basketball is likely to be admitted.
8. The applicant who attends “Harvard Day” tours for applicants while wearing a black Antifa mask will be accepted, once his/her identity can be confirmed.
7. Applicants named Rockefeller may find their applications will be viewed with approbation.
6. Individuals on the cusp of meeting admission requirements may choose to submit a 4,000 word essay on the topic “Why American is Racist but Harvard is not.”
5. Applicants who can document their presence at Hillary Clinton’s 2016 Election Night Soiree (sans Hillary) at New York’s Javits Convention Center will be accepted into the Kennedy School of Government.
4. Applicants may be judged on the basis of “Multidimensional excellence,” which naturally includes organizing anti- Second Amendment protests.
3. Being “of Harvard parentage” is a positive admissions factor, except for those named Gorsuch, Scalia and Bush.
2. “Race and ethnicity will never be used as a negative factor in assessing Harvard-worthiness.”
Now, if you’re brainy enough for Harvard, you know that impacting one group favorably never means impacting another negatively…. right?
…and the NUMBER ONE NEW ADMISSIONS CRITERION BEING CONSIDERED by HARVARD UNIVERSITY’S VICE PROVOST for STRATEGIC ENROLLMENT MANAGEMENT is…
1. “Wherever in life you may have started, and wherever your destination, there is a place for you at Harvard.”
(Actually from the university website’s “You Belong Here” exhortations. Let’s all grab a no-carbon footprint vehicle and head straight for Cambridge!!)
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