Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10. The pre-paid Food Stamp credit cards are fine, but​,​ OH! Those pre-paid “Fan Duel” gambling cards​!

9. Judgmental “illegal migrant” moniker to be replaced with “guest brand ambassador.”

8. “No-photo TSA clearance” to be outdone by No-photo drivers’ licenses.

7.  New ​NYC Adams administration “frequent guest” program:  ​“Stay 10 days in the $383-a-night Roosevelt Hotel, earn two free nights at any non-Trump hotel.​“

6. “Recreation hour’ in migrant housing is operated by Equinox Fitness.

5. Cash prizes at the “Migrant Olympics,” where  competitions include traversing a river, scaling a wall and stealing live poultry.

4.  Looks like we can actually use all these mail-in absentee ballots.

3.  Those “Times Square Gun Free Zone” signs don’t apply to us.

2.  Hey, it’s off-season. Let’s fly back to Martha’s Vineyard !

…and the NUMBER ONE “AMENITY” OFFERED by NYC, as VOTED by ILLEGAL MIGRANTS is…

1. You can trade fentanyl for weed almost anywhere.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was bicycling to Indiana to adopt triplets and “earn” triple paternity leave.

9. Attorney General Garland borrowed John Kerry’s private jet to take his annual “Continuing Legal Education” courses….    in Cuba.

8.  VP Kamala “took no calls” for three days at the Vice President’s Naval Observatory residence, so she could carefully study aerial and satellite images of our southern border.

7.  Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen took a 3-hour “mental health” and espresso break after processing the difference between a billion, trillion and gazillion.

6.  Although staff feared he might be in violent San Francisco, Governor Newsom was finally discovered in a Yountsville, California meadow, 146 yards from his beloved French Laundry, sleeping off the “caviar-and-vodka” tasting menu.

5. Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas flew to an ‘anti-impeachment coaching and spa’ weekend in Lebanon, Kansas, the remote point equidistant from both the Mexican and Canadian borders.

4.  Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm simply got stranded for 46 hours in Bourbon County, Kentucky, seeking a tow to an electric vehicle charging station.

3.  Miguel Cardona, Secretary of Education, was cloistered in “Dr. Jill’s” Northern Virginia Community College, taking the advanced “cursive writing” course.

2.  In full headdress, US Senator Elizabeth Warren drove across the NY state border to personally apply for a coveted “Native American Gaming Casino” license.   The round-trip and paperwork consumed 28 hours of “personal time.”

…and the NUMBER ONE EXCUSE a SENIOR OFFICIAL COULD GIVE for GOING “AWOL” is…

   1. Vladimir Putin was “off the Russian grid” nearly four hours.    Apparently, he was riding a horse in Red Square, shirtless.   There were no witnesses or recorded photographs.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe to newsletter” boxes and submit.

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​10.  Blocking traffic is your “First Amendment right,” but shouting down a campus speaker ends “hate speech.”

​  9.  Paying a “fair share” in taxes is always for someone else.

8. You believe in “cancelling” student loan debts, not transferring unpaid loans to taxpayers.

7. You’ve really learned a lot from Greta Thunberg and Jamal Bowman.

6. “Choice” never includes parental school choice.

5.  On the street, a migrant asked YOU for money!  The nerve.

4.  You hated Joe McCarthy’s goals, but love his methods.

3.  You might try a new gender for 2024.

2.  From your private jet’s mobile phone, you call in to MSNBC to denounce the “climate emergency.”

… and the NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU ARE a CERTIFIED PROGRESSIVE is:

1. Your fashion statement:  that Rashida Tlaib tattoo and the Fidel Castro beret.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. The Secretary was distracted by a Candygram delivery on the day some migrants waded across the Rio Grande.

9. Photo IDs? Migrants don’t need “no” photo IDs to fly.

8. Alejandro enjoys full support from our “Border Czarina.”      (VP Kamala)

7. Without 8 million new migrants, where will America get all the surgeons, engineers, gender studies majors, police and military recruits it needs?

6. Secretary Mayorkas is working diligently with banks to identify potential insurrectionists, angry PTA moms, weekly mass-goers and people searching for “NASCAR” on the Internet.

5. Would a new hairstyle get you to back off?

4.  The President and the Secretary actually delegated border policy to a budget specialist in the “Border Czarina’s” office.

3.  Just listen to the owner of Moe’s Food Truck in Eagle Pass.    He’s making money hand-over-fist.   

2.  There’s nothing like 100,000 migrant arrivals to make your town less-white supremacist.

…and the NUMBER ONE BEST REBUTTAL to the IMPEACHMENT of SECRETARY ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS is: 

1. Look, who’s going to deliver my moo shu beef during a snowstorm?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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Research Sources:  Young America’s Foundation; Campus Reform; Lone Conservative; Catholic Citizens; and Fox News.

NOW, SEVEN of these COURSES HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN OFFERED at ACCREDITED UNIVERSITIES.   CAN YOU GUESS WHICH THREE COURSES WERE TOTALLY INVENTED by YOUR HUMBLE EDITOR?   See answers at very bottom.

10. “Indigenous Queer and Two-‘Sprit’ studies”        (part of BS/BA in “Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies”)  -Oregon State University 

    9.“Angry White Male Studies” course    –  University of Kansas

8. “The Casual Imperialism of the Cis-gendered” – Vassar College                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       7.“Walk the Talk: Institutionalizing Sustainable Anti-Racist DEI Work” (Graduate School of Education)  – Harvard University

   6.“Queering the Bible” (queer and trans readings of bible texts)   – Swarthmore College

5. “Disney and Pop Culture Politics” (receive ‘Gender Equality’ credit) – University of South Florida

     4.“Re-thinking Social Justice in the USSR and Warsaw Pact Regions”  (School of Foreign Service)  -Georgetown University

3. “Black and Queer in Leather: BDSM Material Culture” (Lewis Center for the Arts) – Princeton University                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         2.“Vampires: Evolution of a Sexy Monster”  -University of Kentucky

…and the NUMBER ONE BIZARRE COLLEGE COURSE THESE DAYS is:

1. “The Rousing Words and Sensuality of Fidel Castro” (elective in the Sociology and Public Affairs Departments)  -Oberlin College

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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ANSWERS TO QUESTION NEAR TOP OF THE PAGE:   NUMBERS 8, 4 AND 1 WERE INVENTED BY YOUR EDITOR.    THE OTHER SEVEN COURSES WERE ACTUALLY OFFERED !

10. NAME THAT BORDER CZARINA

9. IVY LEAGUE ANTI-SEMITISM “IN CONTEXT”

8. JOSEPH BIDEN ACHIEVEMENTS

7. TRANSGENDER SPORTS CHAMPIONS

6. ICONIC SPEECHES by FEMALE VICE PRESIDENTS

5. ILLEGAL MIGRANT COLLECTED WORKS

4. NATIONS WHERE SOCIALISM HAS WORKED

           (Producers still searching for such locations…)

3. CASHLESS BAIL WHEEL of FORTUNE

2.  ​HOAXES BY AUTHOR

…and the NUMBER ONE SUGGESTED “JEOPARDY” CATEGORY for 2024 is: 

1. WHO SAID IT: AOC, OMAR or FIDEL?

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. (Andrew Cuomo) When announcing a new run for elective office, (to prevent involuntary groping) wear catcher’s mitts on both hands.

9. (Adam Schiff) Come up with new and better hoax than Russia-Collusion, get elected to U.S. Senate.

8. (Joseph Biden)  Go on vacation once in a while.

7. (Kamala Harris) As “Border Czarina,” relocate official VP residence to Eagle Pass, Texas.  Once there, wait to see if you’re on the `24 ticket.

6. (Kim Jong-un)   Find a new, empty body of water for missile-lobbing.

5. (Donald Trump)  Avoid conviction, take golfing weekend on Taiwan.

4. (Eric Adams)  Figure out how to blame Republicans for the $9 billion NYC deficit caused by spending on 150,000 migrants.

3. (MSNBC and CNN)   Keep saving democracy by cheering Trump removals from ballots.

2. (Chuck Schumer)  Be more open and willing to accept reporters’ questions and free media coverage. 

…and the NUMBER ONE RESOLUTION for 2024 is…

1. (Gavin Newsom)  Build your own border wall, to keep fleeing California taxpayers IN.

                                                         BLESSINGS for 2024 to all “Weekly American Top Ten” list readers!! 

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  For the Cuomo brothers: An all-male detention facility

9.  For Karin Jean-Pierre: some believable material

8.  For Charles Schumer: a “hot” microphone, broadcasting 24/7

7.   For Antony Blinken: a teachable moment from trusting the mullahs in Iran  (though a vigorous “caning” would be part of their tradition)

      6.​  For George Santos:  a professional resume-writing consultation

5.  For Kamala Harris: a 3-D relief map of our southern border, and charm lessons from Hillary

4.  For Kim Jong-un:  trade North Korean nukes in exchange for an NBA franchise

3.  For Elizabeth Warren, AOC and Ilhan Omar:  Free tuition to “Economics for Dummies,”  taught by Larry Kudlow and Kevin Hassett

2.  For Volodymyr Zelensky:  Vital military aid from the EU and the USA, with $99 earmarked for a new suit

… and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS GIFT for our POLITICAL CELEBRITIES is:

1.  For Joseph and Hunter Biden: Full and unconditional pardons from President K. Harris

MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL.  GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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For the uninitiated who want to sing this version around their Christmas trees (also approved for Hanukkah celebrations), here is how the traditional “12 Days” is sung:  You sing each of the song’s 12 lines, in ascending numerical order.   But then you only repeat the “gifts” already received.  

For example:  Start the song with “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree.”  But here is how your verse would sound in mid-song:  “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese-a-laying, five go-o-o-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

 Try that format with today’s creation, below.  Note that singers are expected to dra-a-ag out the syllables on the gift of the “5th Day of Christmas,”in this case “Fi-i-ve impeach – ment probes.”    

Now:   Your NEW 12 Days of Christmas….

1. On the first day of Christmas, my true love game to me:

           –   “Cash for the Big Guy from Xi.”   (JEE)

2. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

             –   “Two Cuomos groping.”

3. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – “Three open borders.”

      4.  On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       –  “Four Rashidas wailing.”

5. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

   –  “F-i-i-ve impeachment probes.”

6. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love to me:

    – “Six healthy justices.”

7. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

       – “Seven spies for Swalwell.”

8. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

         – “Eight million migrants.”

9. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –  “Nine fake newspapers.”

10. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          –  “Ten FBI raids.”

11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

           –  “Eleven trillion new debt.”

12. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

          – “Twelve wars out- breaking.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10. “Dear Occupant: Season’s Greetings! Here are 20 more unsolicited, blank paper ballots for Election Day 2024, just for you.   If you would like an additional supply, just call.”                 -Democrat State Committee

9. “T’is always the season to reach out and touch someone.”    –former NY Governor Andrew “Frisky” Cuomo, considering a run for NYC Mayor

8. “Feliz Navidad from 35,000 feet above the Rio Grande River.”               – ​Your Border Czarina,  Kamala Harris

7. “May you get all treats and no tricks this month.”          – Joseph Biden, writing from his Delaware basement

6. ” I wish you an early Meli Kalikimaka, before climate change floods my state.”     -US Sen. Maisie Hirono (D- Hawaii)

5. “Dear students and ​university staff​: ​We can’t define “woman.”   “Genocide” requires “context” to comprehend.  Hate-driven harassment is protected speech here.   But…  let us celebrate an equitable, secular winter solstice in one of the many ‘Safe Spaces’ on our beloved campus.”  ​                                                                                               – Selected Ivy League & other top university presidents

4. “If you can just believe in Frosty the Snowman… you can believe our southern border is secure.”                                                                                                                                   – Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas

      3.  “​Officially Atheistic H​oliday Greetings to my loyal subjects.  With no gasoline available, we are proudly delivering on our Paris “‘climate’ emissions targets.”                                                                        – Venezuelan Comandante Nicolas Maduro

2. “Thanks for nuthin.” ​ former Congressman George Santos, in his holiday CandyGram messages to all members of the House

…and the NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS/ HANUKKAH/ HOLIDAY CARD INSCRIPTION for 2024 is:

1.  “Dear Mr. President: Thank you in advance for the expected resumption of holiday ‘gratuities’ to our peace-loving nation.    Nevertheless, death to America.”                                                       -Iranian President Hassan Rouhani

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2023 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .