Your Weekly American Top Ten List

10.  The US Air Force’s new “F-31 Cougar” fighter will somehow be manufactured in Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco district.

 9. If this bill exceeds 1,800 pages, Yosemite National Park’s “El Capitan” will be renamed for Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).

 8.  Residents of foreign birth in “pre-citizenship status” immediately qualify for a $2,400 stimulus check, Food Stamps, a mail-in ballot for November and early admission to Oberlin College (free tuition).

 7. $159 million is appropriated for a new Boeing 787 “Dreamliner,” to shuttle Speaker Pelosi more efficiently to vital climate change rallies.

 6.   $12,500 is appropriated for new suits for Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-Manhattan).

 5.  400 million paper ballots (200 million extra in the event of an “immigration” surge) will be printed in the district of House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC).

 4.  Henceforth, Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib may insist, on the House floor, to be addressed as “highness.” 

 3.  No matter the outcome of the election, $310 million is approved to add likenesses of Michael Avenatti and Joe Biden to Mount Rushmore.

 2.  Of the 6,000 tanks in the Defense Department’s arsenal, 2,500 will be re-purposed to deliver free meals, US grown cannabis and mail-in ballots to low-voting cities and college towns.

…and the NUMBER ONE LITTLE-KNOWN PROVISION IN HOUSE DEMOCRATS’ $3 TRILLION SO-CALLED STIMULUS BILL is…

1. Mere use of the racist term “illegal alien” will be punishable with a 39% marginal income tax rate.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

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10. Among likely Joe Biden voters, 34% want him, if elected, to continue operating from his Delaware basement.

 9.  In New Jersey, incumbent U.S. Senator Cory Booker only outpolls Spartacus, 48-45%.

 8.  On Staten Island, NY, 54% of registered voters agree that “Mayor DeBlasio has done more to damage NYC than the virus.”

 7. On the west side of Manhattan, 52% of adults like this “Re-elect Rep. Jerrold Nadler” slogan:

“Our Jerry:  He was impeaching while Wuhan was screeching.”

 6. Fully 62% of Delaware voters want “Senator Chris Coons to do more to assist poor Mr. Biden in his basement.”

5. 71% of self-identified independents believe that “if they debate, Trump will actually put Biden in a headlock.”

 4.   41% of Rhode Islanders are voting to re-elect Senator Jack Reed because they believe he was a Major League outfielder.

 3.  73% of adult Oklahomans support early release for “Tiger King” Joe Exotic….    but only if he is replaced in prison by Hillary.

 2.  Among voters who “support Nancy Pelosi’s $3 trillion stimulus plan,” 62% cannot differentiate among “a trillion, a megazillion and a gazillion” dollars.

.and the NUMBER ONE SURPRISING RESULT FROM THIS WEEK’S POLLING RESULTS is

1. A national survey asked 952 respondents about their faith in the “truthfulness of the following list of institutions and individuals”

Percentage of those who believe in the truthfulness of:

         –59%   – Professional wrestling

         –38%   -Lawyers

         –19%    -Speaker Nancy Pelosi

         –15%    -Three-Card Monte sharks

         –11%     -CNN

         —9%     -Michael Avenatti

         —8%     -MSNBC

         —7%      -the New York Times

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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​10.  By Halloween, Hillary will have figured out how to get paid for “virtual” speeches…

 9.  Environmentalists be danged, Governor Andrew Cuomo will start driving everywhere in his gas-guzzling 1968 GTO.​

8. ​ Joe Biden:  “Why can’t I just get inaugurated right here in the basement?”​

7.  ​President Trump to the White House Press Corps:  “Next time around, no more Mr. Nice Guy.”​

6.  ​Aware of their mortality after months of pandemic, Elizabeth Warren’s brothers confess: “We aren’t Indian at all.”

​ 5. ​Embarrassed by mass snoring, prior to his A.M. briefings​, Mayor deBlasio ​will ​set out a buffet of chilled Red Bull and free “No-Doz”​ for reporters.​ 

4.  ​Michigan “Strongwoman” Governor Gretchen Witmer ​to ​name​ ​Congresswoman Rasheed Tlaib (D-M​I​) as “Director of Re-Education” for the new detention camps ​housing​ disobedient business owners.​

3. ​On his dating profile, Bill Clinton will swear ​to​ abide by social distancing norms for at least 90 minutes. 

2. Following a self-imposed quarantine after the election, Nancy Pelosi will emerge looking mysteriously younger.

…and the NUMBER ONE ASPECT of “NEW NORMAL” LIFE WE CAN EXPECT LATER in 2020 is…

 1. Sign to be seen in front of “progressive” church in Berkeley, California:  ‘WELCOME BACK FROM VIRUS LOCKDOWN!   

Special this Week:    OBEY ANY SIX of the TEN COMMANDMENTS.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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​10.    Check out Hillary’s “study.”    Isn’t that the furniture she carted out of the White House?

 9.    Gee, you can hear those sounds every time Eric Swallwell is interviewed.

 8.  Isn’t that a 1993 photo of Tara Reade on the credenza behind Joe Biden?

 7.  Wow, I never noticed that “I LOVE AHNOLD” tattoo on Nancy’s forearm…

 6.   How come Mayor deBlasio’s briefings​ have that hazy smoke cloud​?  

 5.  Y’know, I think Chuck Schumer even has a camera and mic in the shower…

 4.  Who knew that Governor Ralph Northam favored the “VA-is-for-Lovers” design on his boxers? 

 3.  Those are new Lakota moccasins by the door. Y’think Senator Warren wears them door-to-door?

 2.  Isn’t that man strolling in to the picture behind Kamala Harris our 42nd president?

…and the NUMBER ONE OBSERVATIONS WE’VE MADE DURING THOSE “ZOOM” INTERVIEWS at V.I.P. HOMES is:

 1.   Bernie Sanders has a copy of “Das Kapital” actually inscribed to him by Karl Marx.

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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​10. ​ I am relevant…   I AM relevant!​

9.​ Wh​y​ was I ​gonna​ tak​e​ him behind the gym, sonny?​

8. ​ I’ve got it!   I’ll come out against that damn war in Vietnam.

​ 7. ​Remember… don’t forget… be sure to pronounce that “Z” in “xenophobic.”

​ 6. ​Maybe it’s time to attack Clarence Thomas again.​

5.​ ​Dang, I  did promise a woman for vice president.   Eleanor Roosevelt?   Frances Perkins? 

4. Jill.  Jill!    Get my shotgun.   I haven’t fired it off the back porch in ages!​

3.​ This ​%#$​ basement.   I feel like I’M back in chains!​

2. ​ Barack endorsed me?​  Barack WHO?​

…and the NUMBER ONE INNERMOST JOE BIDEN THOUGHT DURING QUARANTINE is…

​ 1. I was never involved with any woman, Tara ​Lewinsky or ​whomever….

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

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10.  $155 million to purchase ice cream for every Californian.

                           (Amendment announced in front of Nancy Pelosi’s industrial home refrigerator)

 9.   An amendment to the Urban Mass Transit Administrations’s (DOT) appropriation, providing for $509 billion for construction of a 63-mile under-the-Pacific tunnel linking the Honolulu Rail Transit Project with the island of Kaui.     

 -Sponsored by Reps. Lyndon Schatz (D-HI) and Zoe Cohen (D-TN)

 8.  $21 billion to provide for “individual usage” subway cars in New York City.

                                  -Sponsored by Rep. Nydia Nadler (D-Brooklyn)

 7.  Bill to block access to the Interstate Highway System for any vehicle not mileage-rated at 50 miles-per-gallon (Voila!!  Your permanent Green New Deal lockdown​.​)

                                   -Sponsored by Rep. Ilhan Tlaib (D-Illinois)

 6.  $95 supplemental appropriation for the World Health Organization (WHO) to provide first-class air travel and Michelin-rated restaurant meals for deserving WHO bureaucrats 

                            -Sponsored by Rep. Joaquin Abzug (D-MN)

 5.  An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security’s budget, authorizing the Secret Service to enforce “social distancing” perimeters around  Al Franken, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and Katie Hill.   

                    -Sponsored by Rep. Rose DiSwallwell  (D-MD)

 4.  A bill to impeach Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue  (from the Speaker’s “Why Not?” legislative priorities)  

                      – Sponsored by Rep.Maxine Schiff (D- Ga.)

 3. $41 million for the National Science Foundation (NSF), to study the dating habits of Star Trek convention enthusiasts. 

                       -Sponsored by Rep. Nita Shalala (D-VA

 2.  $67 million to underwrite cultural performances at the Kennedy Center, Wolf Trap Performing Arts Center and the William J. Clinton Adult Film Festival

            -Sponsored by Reps. Tulsi Wasserman Schultz (D-AR), Rep. Major Weiner (D-NY) and Rep. Beto Menendez (D-TX)

…and the NUMBER ONE HOUSE DEMOCRAT “AMENDMENT” to SLOW DOWN EMERGENCY RELIEF to AMERICAN FAMILIES and BUSINESSES is…

1. An amendment to the Department of Homeland Security authorization, to re-name “I.C.E” (US Immigration & Customs Enforcement) as “N.I.C.E” (No Illegal Can be Expelled)     

                    -Sponsored by Rep. Hakeem Pascrell (D-AZ)

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy! To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]

10. ​”​On-line, you said you were 31.​  And nothing about Congress.​​”​

 9.  ​“​Are those children in the background?​“​

 8.  ​“​In all this clutter, I can’t seem to find my Congressional Medal of Honor here.​“​

 7. ​“​I am indeed a fan of John Kennedy.   He’s the current Senator from Louisiana.​“​

 6.  ​“Sure, ​I’m pro-choice….    school choice.​“​

 5.  ​  ​“​​When you said that you loved ‘The Wall,’ you didn’t mean the Pink Floyd song?​“

 4. “Could you turn on some lights?”

 3. “Didn’t I hear the screen name ‘Carlos Danger’ somewhere else?”

 2. ” Zzz.   Sorry… I’m back… I’m back.  That was just my Joe Biden impression.”

…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT HEARD via SKYPE (live video) this MONTH is:

1.  ​”​Mr. ‘Chappaqua,’ aren’t you a former president of the United States?​”​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

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10.   NBC’S CHUCK TODD ASSAILED FOR SUGGESTING THAT DUE TO SLOW RESPONSE, GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS “BLOOD ON HIS HANDS”

                                 – Stanford Journalism Review

  9.  STIMULUS PLAN NEGLECTS BAIL OUT CONCERNS OF TRANSGENDER AMERICANS

                                               – Breitbart After Dark

8. OFF THE RECORD, HOUSE DEMOCRATS CONCEDE THAT OBSESSION WITH IMPEACHMENT DIVERTED ATTENTION FROM VIRUS

                                                      – Baltimore Post

7.   ​GLANCING AT HIS SECURITY DETAIL, MIKE BLOOMBERG “​CAN’T FATHOM” AMERICANS’ RUSH TO GUN STORES 

                                                        – Daily Snooze

6.   SURVEYS REVEAL THAT DURING CORONA CRISIS, CONSERVATIVES DONATE MUCH MORE TO CHARITY THAN PROGRESSIVES

                                                – Philanthropy Times

5.  ​ON ​FIRST HEARING OF VIRUS CHALLENGE, SPEAKER PELOSI SAID TO HAVE ASKED ‘CORONA, CALIFORNIA OR NEW YORK?'”

                                                         – San Francisco Tribune

4.    WIDE-ANGLE CAMERA SHOT ​AT MAYOR DeBLASIO NEWS CONFERENCE ​REVEALS MOST REPORTERS ​TO BE SOUND ASLEEP

                                  – Dartmouth Review of Media & Society

3.   GORE, DiCAPRIO REVEL ​IN​ IDLE AIRLINERS AT MAJOR AIRPORTS, ENABLING PRIVATE JETS TO SPEED V.I.P. TRAVEL

                                                          –  Nashville Scanner

​2.  IN ​SKYPE INTERVIEW, JOE BIDEN SEEMS TO CONFUSE “PANDEMIC” WITH NORTH FLORIDA BEACH TOWN 

​                                                            – Jacksonville Gator​

…and the NUMBER ONE MAINSTREAM NEWS HEADLINE WE WON’T be SEEING THIS WEEK is…

1,  EMPTY STREETS, CRASHING ENERGY USAGE, MASS UNEMPLOYMENT PROVIDE WINDOW INTO REALITY OF A FUTURE “GREEN NEW DEAL”

                                                -New York Globe

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

10.  I think I’ll be sheltering right here in Caracas.    -Commandante Nicolas Maduro   (just indicted in the US on four narco-terrorism charges)

 9.  I can look sort of normal on Skype, while still wearing my favorite ratty pajama  bottoms.    – Joseph Biden

 8.  Dammit, he’s really being presidential.     

       – MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough & CNN’s Brian Stelter

 7.  By Wednesday, I will have cornered the US market on toilet paper.    – Billionaire Hedge Fund owner Bill Ackerman

 6.  I’ve got the coolest slide show in Albany, don’t I?                – NY Governor Andrew Cuomo

 5.  Ted, when on earth did you grow that beard?      – Mrs. Heidi Cruz

 4.  What virus?      – oceanographer Philippe-Jacques Cousteau Jr., stepping on to land after 34 days in the Pacific

 3.  Bill, did you know our lifestyle here in Chappaqua is called “social distancing?”

  -Hillary Clinton

 2.  After all these years, ah realized she’s a blonde.   -Bill Clinton

…and the NUMBER ONE REVEALING COMMENT DURING our SELF-ISOLATIONS this MONTH is:

1. ​All I’ve got are re-runs of Grampa Kim’s speeches and this “launch” button here.   

  – North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un​

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .

​10. ​ We prefer to call it the “New Rochelle Virus.”

​  9. ​ “Once he’s told what state he is in, Joe Biden is the sort of leader we can really manipu… er, work with.”

​  8.​  “Self-isolation​ and ​Szechuan beef seem to have turned the tide.​  And we’ve still got the ol’  firing squads in reserve.​“

​  7. ​  “​We have video​—  US warships are trying to bring the virus to those islands we ​built and own​.”

​  6. ​“If you don’t like it, vote against me.  ​On second thought​, you can​ only​ appeal to the​ most honorable Chairman of the​ Central Committee.”

​  5. ​  “​See t​hose American tourists​?    They’re really here to deliver their babies here in China.”

​  4.​  “Why would Hong Kong​ers​ need more than the official government newspaper?”

​   3.​  “COVID does ​NOT​ stand for ‘China Ordered Vicious Infectious Diseases.’”

​  2. ​ “OK, OK, we’ll release those life-saving drugs.  How many free Jackie Chan DVDs you putting up?”

…and the NUMBER ONE CHINESE COMMUNIST COMMENT OVERHEARD in “CHATTER” this MONTH is:

​   1.  ​”Bernie?   No​,​ he’s​ just​ too communist for us.”

“Your Weekly American Top Ten list” is intended as humorous commentary, and is NOT a source of real news.

To subscribe to the “Top Ten” for free, please visit  www.gipperten.com .  Then, complete the “subscribe” boxes and submit.

While on the site, you can catch up on previous Top Tens from 2016-2019 by scrolling back.   Enjoy!

To communicate with the editor, please e-mail  [email protected]  .