10. Audible ping alert whenever Hunter Biden is paid more than $200,000 by foreigners for access to his father
9. Live satellite or drone-camera feed when Nancy Pelosi appears in public without mask
8. Pre-installed app featuring high-decibel air horn when a member of the Congressional “Squad” wanders within 100 yards of the phone
7. As I-phone powers-up, hologram of Tucker Carlson welcomes you
6. “Waze” -prompted directions to all college “Safe Spaces” within 1/4 mile of I-phone
5. High-decibel alarm triggered as Congressman Eric Swallwell initiates verbal conversation with Chinese espionage agents (females only)
4. Phone delivers electric shock to owner when Bill DeBlasio, Don Lemon or any Cuomo uses the word “equity”
3. “Siri” voice-generated command admonishes I-phone user if Jill Biden’s “Dr.” title is not used properly
2. Special “sweep” feature on face of I-phone enables you to leave voicemail for Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas whenever he claims “The border is closed.”
…and the NUMBER ONE FEATURE WE’D LIKE to SEE on the NEW I-PHONE 19, EXPECTED in 2022, is:
1. Text message will be sent to you whenever the Wuhan Institute of Virology cashes a US Treasury check issued to them by the CDC
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