(Correction: in last week’s Top Ten, the #1 headline “we are not likely to see in the New York Times this month” was: “FAILURE TO PROVIDE CORROBORATION BY DR. JONES ENABLES JUDGE KAVANAUGH TO MOUNT PERSUASIVE REBUTTAL.” Of course, “Dr. Jones” was incorrect. I meant to write “Dr. Blasey Ford.”)
TOP TEN QUESTIONS in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES:
10. Have you ever consumed an excessive amount of alcohol?
9. Have you ever consumed ANY amount of Night Train, Bali Hai, Apple Wine, Malt Liquor or Tango?
(Investigator: If nominee responds “YES,” disqualify candidate immediately.)
8. During your high school and college studies, have you ever relied on “Cliffs’ Notes,” or other prepared summaries of your assigned readings or other classwork?
7. Did you ever rely on such sources for that truly dull keynote address at a political or bar association convention?
6. Have you ever expressed support or sympathy for an “originalist” view of the US Constitution?
(Investigator: you may now disqualify nominee OR… recommend re-education camp.)
5. What have you done personally to eradicate income inequality?
(Investigator: Merely voting for liberal redistribution programs will do.)
4. Whom do you admire most, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Robert Mugabe or Elizabeth Warren?
3. If you were flying in a doomed aircraft with Speaker Paul Ryan and Venezuelan Commandante Maduro , but found only 2 parachutes, what would you do?
2. Have you ever consumed illegal controlled substances? Did you at least share your bounty with your degenerate stoner friends in that room?
(Investigator: Relax. Apparently, there is no “wrong” answer to this one.)
…and the NUMBER ONE QUESTION in the NEW VETTING PROTOCOL for FEDERAL APPOINTEES is:
1. Thinking about the gender(s) to which you have been attracted, have you ever expressed, vocally or in writing, an interest in a person from that category (/those categories)? Please elaborate, under penalty of perjury, in reverse chronology, back to age 10.
(Investigator: If candidate responds “NO,” you have the perfect nominee!)
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