10. Illegals sporting gang tattoos can join “pot luck” lunch with Mayor every Thursday.
9. “Assault” style weapons banned within the city, except for illegal fugitive felons.
8. “Schaaf” means sheep in German. Like we’re stunned.
7. The City of Oakland respectfully asks that ICE and other Federal agents not converse with Oakland residents, except to explain available Federal benefits.
6. Tough new “3 murders and you’re out” policy for illegals.
5. Apply for your Oakland “no-questions-asked” ID card, get free “NO ONE is ILLEGAL” t-shirt.
4. High-wattage megaphones supplied to key city workers, in case ICE agents are sighted unexpectedly.
3. New “dateillegal.gov” Oakland-dating website attracting interest from 47 states
2. Visit special City Hall kiosk announcing: “I’m illegal and I vote.” Get personal ombudsman and social worker assigned to you.
…and the NUMBER ONE LESSER-KNOWN ASPECT OF OAKLAND MAYOR SCHAAF’S “SANCTUARY CITY” POLICY is:
1. Mayor swears she has a “What is Illegal?” tattoo, but coyly says she can’t show it to us.
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