10. “THANK YOU FOR THIS WELL-DESERVED AND OVERDUE AWARD.
“NOW, LET’S ALL GET BACK TO OUR FAKE NEWS INTERVIEWS ON THE RED CARPET.”
9. “THE AWARD FOR CINEMATOGRAPHY GOES TO THE ARTISTE WHO PHOTO-SHOPPED THE PRESIDENT’S LIKENESS ON TO A BROWN SHIRT.”
8. “THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID IN THESE DANGEROUS TIMES: NO MORE MICRO AGGRESSIONS AGAINST THOSE COWERING IN FEAR TONIGHT IN COLLEGE ‘SAFE SPACES.'”
7. “MY FILM REALLY NEEDED TO BE MADE IN THIS CLIMATE OF OPPRESSION AND DIRECT THREATS TO OUR FIRST AMENDMENT. INDEED, I COULD BE ARRESTED BEFORE I LEAVE THIS STAGE!! ”
(Speaker waits for 14 minutes and departs platform without incident.)
6. “ISN’T THAT BRANDO’S FRIEND, PRINCESS SASHEEN LITTLEFEATHER? I HAD NO IDEA THAT NATIVE AMERICANS AVOIDED DESIGNER GOWNS.”
5. “BLACK TUXEDOS ARE SO GENDER-OPPRESSIVE.”
4. “NO MA’AM, MGM, PARAMOUNT, FOX AND DREAMWORKS WOULD NOT BE COUNTED IN THE ‘CORPORATE GREED’ CATEGORY.”
3. “IF WE JUST TURN DOWN THE AIR CONDITIONING A LITTLE BIT RIGHT HERE AT THE OSCARS, WE CAN DO OUR PART TO HALT GLOBAL WARMING.
“PLUS, WE’LL HAVE ALL THE A/C WE NEED IN OUR STRETCH LIMOS AND PRIVATE JET TRIPS BACK HOME.”
2. “NO, THAT’S SEAN PENN, NOT MIKE PENCE, HOLLERING.”
…and the NUMBER ONE COMMENT OVERHEARD at the 2017 OSCAR CEREMONIES is:
1. “JUST BECAUSE I “EARN” $23 MILLION PER FILM DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT AN OPPRESSED AMERICAN WOMAN.”
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