- Bring your E-Z Pass windshield transponder, anticipating a new Kathy Hochul “congestion pricing” toll on the planet.
- On Mars, even having a VCR will make you a hit with the local “Red Planet Babes” population.
- Bring enough “My Pillows,” and Mike Lindell may give you the franchise for that region of the solar system.
- Beg the locals not to remove AM radio from your Mars-Rover vehicles.
- When you make your list of animals to breed in the cool Martian climate, don’t fret. The cockroaches are waiting for you on the starship.
- In a high stress, new-planet environment, you may need sleep aids. Consider “audio book” speeches by Andrew Cuomo, Joseph Biden and Elizabeth Warren.
- The strongest astronaut will become the Martian “Philosopher-King.” It’s kind of like being governor of Minnesota or California.
- To keep more of the planet to yourself, try naming new settlements thusly: “Devil’s Island,” “East Palestine,” “Three Mile Island,” “Love Canal,” “Chernobyl,” and “Tsunami Shores.”
- Don’t yell at the Amazon guy just for double-parking.
…and the NUMBER ONE “STARTER CHECKLIST” ITEM for the FIRST U. S. COLONY on MARS is:
- If your local TV news anchor team operates under DEI, …remember that means including more Earthlings.
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